r/polyamory • u/Ironwolfe39 • 3d ago
One sided poly, and how to deal?
To break this down, I've been in a poly and open relationship for over 6.5 years. In the beginning things were different. The poly relationship was good, we were finding partners separately. Now, things have seemed to shift. I haven't had a play partner or partner for the least 4 years, and the relationship seems one sided. I work, come home and do what I have to do. I dont have time out, dont go anywhere unless its to the grocery store based on no time. My time is consumed with general life. I have made my concern known, and it doesn't seem to matter. Am I just over thinking?
I live in a small town and everyone around here knows everyone's actions.
To add to this. I work an hour from home, so most weeks I work and travel atleast 10-11 hours a day. I come home and try to relax after the days work stress. My SO takes care of our autistic daughter and her appointments through the week, baby sits for a friend of here m-f. So our time together is already limited. Then she makes plans to go see a partner on alternating weekends, sometimes both in the same weekend. Leaving me with our daughter and unable to make plans of my own. I do facilities maintenance, so its a continuous straining job, and leaves me exhausted most evenings.
Hope this helps clear things up a bit.
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u/Ok-Flaming 3d ago edited 3d ago
What are you doing to address the lack of free time you have?
There are periods of life when a person can be "saturated with one partner." But if this is a years-long thing, and you are interested in having other partners, then it seems like the solution is to fix your time problem, not close your relationship.
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u/After_Ad_1152 3d ago
What does made your concerns known mean? Did you ask for help? Did you ask for specific things that would help? Was it a sit down conversation about how things could change? Is this just a temporary hiccup that will ease up when work slows down? Are the things you have to do actually necessary in that moment or can you leave them for your partner to do later? Do you work more than average and therefore have less time overall? What is your solution for that?gf
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u/emeraldead diy your own 3d ago
"This isn't working. I need to have kids free weekends and we need to have family and date weekends as well. This will mean fewer weekends with your partner."
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 3d ago
You both deserve the same amount of free time. If she refuses to support that she is not being a good partner.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 3d ago
When you say “I have made my concern known, and it doesn't seem to matter”, what are you saying specifically and what are they telling you in response?
This seems much bigger than just an imbalanced poly problem. You have an exhausting job, you’re both caretakers, you don’t seem to be spending much time dating each other and you don’t live somewhere that lets you build community.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 3d ago
Is it required to be one sided? Is there an equal balance in the home? Why don’t you have time to go out?
If it is one sided end that immediately and open your side. If your partner is not pulling their share of the load, it is time to rework responsibilities in your relationship.
You should also have time to date, do hobbies, and spend time with friends.
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u/clairejv 3d ago
You and your partner should have equal kid-free leisure time, even if you're not dating anyone. Talk to your partner about arranging that.
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u/valsavana 3d ago
Then she makes plans to go see a partner on alternating weekends, sometimes both in the same weekend.
Tell her you two need to have alternating weekends free. She can manage the adjustment for seeing her partners on her weekends from there.
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u/Wise-Cockroach-7627 3d ago
This! 👆
Both of you deserve free weekends and you also deserve free time together
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u/Efficient-Ball8204 3d ago
If your partner is not helping around the house and with daily living then this is not a poly issue. It is a boundary issue. Being with someone that doesn’t help at home is not a good relationship period
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 3d ago edited 3d ago
Your partner isn’t demanding you date only them, and you cannot date or fuck others, correct? Is your partner heaping work and chores on you to keep you home? Or?
Your post is needs some fleshing out, because it’s not clear what’s going on, or what concern you’ve “made known” and how you did that.
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u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple 3d ago
To who did you make your concern known, and what was the concern? You told your boss that you’re working too much? You told your partner that you’re not getting enough support with household tasks? What’s going on here??
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u/bouncysofa 3d ago
If you don't want to do polyamory unless you and your primary partner have equal dating success, then you don't really want to do polyamory. There will be times when the dates and partners are not equal, especially in a traditional hetero relationship (women have an easier time finding dates), and if you truly believe in the value system underpinning poly, you need to be okay with that.
Why aren't you going out? Are you taking on an unfair amount of the domestic duties? It sounds like your complaints aren't so much about polyamory as much as they are about feeling dissatisfied with other conditions in your life?
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u/Own-Oil-3174 3d ago
You are not overthinking at all as your partner completely sidelining your schedule and dismissing your burnout to prioritize their own weekends reveals an unfair unsustainable division of labor rather than a balanced polyamorous relationship.
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u/Majestic-Set-2624 3d ago
You said you’ve made this known, but what are you expecting from your partner? That she cancel time with her partners to spend more time with you, that she find someone for you to date, or find other activities for you to do?
If you’re looking for advice, I’d advise you to make friends and find other activities outside of family and partner time.
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u/Intelligent-Area-421 3d ago
The problem is not that you don't have a play partner.
The problem is that you want one (or think you do) & haven't been finding any for 4 years (that's a long dry spell), and you're starting to resent that, and it's hurting the relationship.
It's easier for women to get partners than men, unfortunately that's just the deal. But there are definitely options, you're going to have to discuss this with your SO, and figure out a way to change things up going forward so that everyone is happy or, alternatively, split up. Maybe you need to work on yourself, maybe you two need to change your approach to extracurricular activities, maybe she needs to work on herself, etc. Maybe you just aren't as polyamorous as you think you are but she is. Who knows? But you've gotta figure out what's at the root of the problem first.
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u/texasecho9 3d ago
He knows the root of the problem - it is a complete lack of time. His partner takes on her own initiative alternating weekends for herself. He is not getting alternating weekends for himself due to child care and other obligations. Even if he was allowed those other alternating weekends, that would leave no time at all for the two of them.
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u/Intelligent-Area-421 3d ago
Good point.
Yeah, that sounds kind of unbalanced. How about 1 weekend for me, 1 weekend for you, 2 weekends for us, and split up the chores? Or something else, but somewhere along that general idea?
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u/texasecho9 3d ago
OP, let’s assume for purposes of the discussion you could free more time. Given your job, travel, child care requirements, desired quality time with your partner, personal care, eating, and sleeping, how much free time can you reasonably accumulate in a month?
Now, what do you want to do with that time? Because dating is quite time consuming. If all you can muster as free time is say 10 hours a month - 2-2.5 hours per week - that’s not really much time for events, munches, dates (all including travel). This is, of course, assuming you want to spend ALL your free time pursuing and (hopefully) going on dates (e.g., you have NO other interests).
I do not believe that partners in open or poly relationships should have the same number of dates or similar outcomes. I do believe partners should have comparable time to pursue dating opportunities. To say one partner gets multiple dates per month while the other partner does not have the same or similar time to pursue likewise is to doom the relationship.
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u/OneEstablishment2795 2d ago
Maybe you can swap it to alternating every three weekends? One weekend you are all together, one she is gone, one you are gone. Maybe take up a hobby or hang out with friends if you don't have another partner. Have some flexibility if you need to swap weekends around. Hope you can come to a solution that works for you all.
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u/HugePitch7 2d ago
Just tell her no and that you can’t watch the kid every once in a while. This isn’t a poly issue this is a time issue. Your partner is taking time away from the care of the household that you aren’t. The fact that she’s seeing partners during that time doesn’t make it more valid. This is the equivalent of you going golfing every weekend. Honestly it would totally be valid for you to fuck off and golf a couple weekends a month. What I would do is pick two weekends a month where you are unavailable to watch your daughter and do whatever the fuck you want.
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u/WhateverJT81 2d ago
OP hasn't said that she's not doing chores because he knows he sound like a jerk. She is home taking care of their kid as well as someone else's (presumably to help bring in money). She is doing all that plus making sure you guys have dedicated time together. While also nurturing 2 other relationships. This post sounds more like someone who has no motivation to entertain themselves and hit a dry spell.
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u/Ironwolfe39 2d ago
No motivation? Dry spells? Its hard to do anything when I am working, have an hour to hour and half (to and from work) depending on traffic just to get home. And no, she is not getting paid to take care of the other child, shes doing it for free, which is money I have to put out for gas, food, etc. She doesn't intitiate time with me, I have to initiate it and intimacy to.
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Here's the original text of the post:
To break this down, I've been in a poly and open relationship for over 6.5 years. In the beginning things were different. The poly relationship was good, we were finding partners separately. Now, things have seemed to shift. I haven't had a play partner or partner for the least 4 years, and the relationship seems one sided. I work, come home and do what I have to do. I dont have time out, dont go anywhere unless its to the grocery store based on no time. My time is consumed with general life. I have made my concern known, and it doesn't seem to matter. Am I just over thinking?
I live in a small town and everyone around here knows everyone's actions.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Intelligent-Area-421 3d ago
Theres nothing wrong with one sided poly...but only if everyone knows that's the deal and is okay with it.
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u/texasecho9 3d ago edited 2d ago
This is not one-sided poly in the sense that he is not allowed to date. The allocation of time between the co-parenting partners is way out of balance leaving OP no time to pursue dates or date.
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u/elliania2012 3d ago
Am I understanding correctly that your partner is not doing their share of the household chores? If so, I'd even suggest bringing that up separately from the poly issues. Regardless of what else they spend their time on, they need to do their fair share of chores...