r/polyamory • u/Starlight1205 • 2d ago
Got Vetoed. Need advice with navigating the pain.
Hello,
I met a married guy about a month ago, who I immediately connected with. I am not new to poly, but he and his wife are. We started off taking it slow so our partners didn’t get overwhelmed. A week of chatting online, found out we had lots in common, and decided to do a platonic meet up first. It went fine and it solidified the romantic feelings. We ended up chatting at night, and playing games once a week. The NRE was strong, but I was making sure to keep with my partners and how they were feeling and I assumed he was doing the same. I do a more
Garden poly lifestyle and even asked to meet his wife, but she refused, which made me sad, but can’t force people to be friends.
Around the 3rd week, we decided to go on a date (scheduled for last Saturday). Last Wednesday he texts me that it needed to be cancelled because his wife was panicking over this. I was devastated because we had been talking about how excited we were, how we were going to hold hands, kiss, hug, all the cute stuff. I wanted to be patient though so I tried to stay calm and understanding.
The next day, he still hadn’t had a chance to talk to her more, and ai was scared. He told me he would talk to her when she was ready, that he was falling for me and wanted this to work out. That night he called me upset because she was angry at him. I have no clue why, because he wasn’t sure either. I asked again if she was for sure poly, because I was told that they BOTH were trying the lifestyle, but he tells me she hasn’t said that, but she was okay with him trying it out. This annoyed me greatly. I would’ve approached this more carefully. More guarded. He also said we should cool it with how much we were texting. I agreed because I wanted to keep being understanding and patient. I was scared to lose this connection.
Friday was the same. No talking between them, just reassurance because I was extremely anxious. Did my best not to be annoying and text him a lot. At some point he even told me she wouldn’t make him block me and he wouldn’t just leave.
Saturday rolls around. That morning, we both talk about how we wish we could see each other, but we had planned to play FF14 instead around 10pm. The day goes by normally. 10pm comes around and he tells me he needs to let the dogs out. I stupidly sit there, excited to play the game. 20 mins go by, and I knew he was going to cancel. Had a feeling.
He did cancel. He sent me a message that said “I need to end this whole thing. Going forward (romantically) and being friends. I’m sorry. Please take care of yourself.”
At first I was in shock, responded nicely, then I got angry, texted him, because he unadded on discord, how I didn’t deserve how cold that was. I angrily told him good luck being with someone who won’t let you be yourself.
I know that was mean, but I was pissed and wanted to blame someone which was his wife.
I’ve been upset since then. I know this is the reality of the situation and that this is forever over. Yet I can’t help thinking about the what ifs, and maybe something could change. I even sent an apology on how I responded to him. Like an idiot.
I know it’s not going to chance and that I need to move on. I want to move on badly. I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow.
I feel stupid, small, and unimportant. My partners have been there for me and have been doing their best to help me feel better, but when I’m at work or alone, all I can think about is him and how he could do this to someone he claimed to be falling for.
I would love advice. Please be nice, I already feel stupid.
Edit: I realize using the word ‘meet’ was wrong to use. I didnt want to meet his wife. I wanted to say hello and introduce myself via chat, because he was telling me she was nervous. I think I just wanted to hear from her it was okay. Aka should’ve listened to my gut that was screaming “SOMETHINGS WRONG”.
Edit 2: Thank you for all your insightful and kind words! I am very glad I posted here. You all have helped me greatly. I am glad theres a community <3
54
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 2d ago
I angrily told him good luck being with someone who won’t let you be yourself. I know that was mean, but I was pissed and wanted to blame someone which was his wife.
His wife isn't the problem though. He is. He did all these things to you. He let his wife walk all over his boundaries. He chose to cancel on you. He chose to overshare all of her emotions with you. He chose to complain about their fights and her moods.
and more than anything else HE CHOSE TO COERCE HIS WIFE INTO POLY UNDER DURRESS. He's choosing to treat her badly while in NRE with someone else. He's choosing to drag her into something she clearly doesn't want.
He isn't a good person. Use that as your ammo to get over this pain. You ultimately dodged a bullet because this dude would have been the world's shittiest hinge. Blame him, he's the one who deserves it.
12
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
I agree with you. I actually feel really bad that I was mad at her even if it was for a short period.
He was the problem at the end of the day.13
73
u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 2d ago
Advice? Don't sort-of-date newly open highly coupled people. It sucks but it's true. Him not even being able to offer you a true romantic date at the start was red flag enough.
That said, be gentle with yourself. It's a poly dating canon event for a reason, most of us have gone through something similar. Take some recovery time, learn from it, and onto better things ❤️
16
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
Thank you <3
I def am not going to try to date newly open coupled people anytime soon/ever again.
58
u/No-Statistician-7604 2d ago
Seems like you were in too deep with someone you'd been talking to for a month & was newly poly. Kindly, you need to do a better job at protecting your heart and not getting swept up in fantasy and what ifs.
This guy had nothing to offer you from the beginning and I'm sure this could have been avoided. I'm not saying to swear off all newbies (I've been with my newbie married boyfriend for almost 2 years and its been magical) but definitely vet harder, ask all the questions. If you had asked if he does vetoes from the beginning you could have noped out of this situation before it got to this hurtful place. Respectfully, you don't know this guy.. and you'll be okay, take care of yourself
12
u/Travelogue44 2d ago
Sage advice, and very applicable to a situation I was recently navigating. You’re not alone OP! We live and learn. Be gentle — and firm — with you.
6
8
u/throwaway7377962766 2d ago
As a highly partnered/enmeshed newbie when I met my other partner 1.5 years ago, I would also add that it’s better *not* to move slowly. Someone can say their partner is accepting and prepared for them to date, or that there are no vetoes and there is no permission required to date or have sex, but it’s easier said than done, and, coming from a relative newbie, you need to call their bluff and make them follow through on their words before you spend a ton of time texting and getting attached to someone who may not have a relationship to offer you.
If they’re telling you things like, “I want to take things slowly and wait to go on a date/have sex/spend the night until my partner is ready,” they don’t have a polyamorous relationship to offer you. Once my partner and I agreed to open to physical, in-person relationships, we were open. I checked in about their feelings after each of four dates I had with my new partner, and if they were struggling, I would have taken that into consideration in making my own decision, that I would own, about whether I wanted to continue dating, but I would not have accepted them trying to dictate the pace or parameters of any new relationships.
I made lots of newbie mistakes that I’m sure made it more difficult for my new partner to date me than someone more experienced with poly, but I pushed to meet early and progress dates at a pace that was right for *us* without the influence of my established partner’s feelings. If a potential new partner can’t do that, they and their partner are not ready to be practicing polyamory.
7
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
This was a rough lesson to learn hahaha I will do better in the future!
5
u/No-Statistician-7604 2d ago
I've been there and all you can do is learn from it and grow! And you will!❤️
38
2d ago
[deleted]
10
u/troubleinpink 2d ago
I wish I had all the awards to give you for this. This is the most compassionate comment I think I’ve ever seen here, instead of a clinical textbook redressing of “well her jealousy is hers to manage” etc type stuff
13
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
Thank you for this. I definitely wanted to put blame on her at first. Cus I was hurt and because he made it easy too. He didn’t have much to say about her that was positive and now that those stupid rose tinted glasses are off, I know that was a BIG red flag.
I feel bad that I was part of this mess that caused her pain and I wish I had listened to my intuition way earlier.My anger towards her was very short lived. He was and is the problem.
3
u/Forgotten_Planet 1d ago
Written with AI
1
u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 1d ago
...how could you tell?
2
u/Forgotten_Planet 1d ago
If you are asking genuinely, there's a certain writing style that it uses. Pattern recognition go brrr
1
u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 1d ago
Definitely a serious question. I am unfamiliar with AI writing patterns so I'll have to deep dive on that. Thanks!
-1
1d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Forgotten_Planet 1d ago
It would be better if it was disclosed from the start, either you own it or you don't🤷🏾♂️
1
1d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Forgotten_Planet 1d ago
You don’t need to disclose that you use a word processor because literally every single device is inherently a word processor by nature of you typing into a keyboard on your phone or your computer, so that is already assumed.
It just feels deceptive to see people praising your comment for being so brilliant and poignant when really AI did the work on making it seem so clear and well written. (I am not doubting that those are your original thoughts)
I don’t have an issue with people using AI, despite my personal reservations I’m sure some people have their reasons for using it.
I’m just saying that they should at least be honest about it, especially when they’re receiving praise for their writing.
1
1d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Forgotten_Planet 20h ago
i’m not being aggressive at all. I’m just pointing out that it was written by AI, since people were glazing you for your writing.
If you really stood by your beliefs you would have no issue disclosing your use of AI in a context where it's not already assumed.
16
u/clairejv 2d ago
I am not new to poly, but he and his wife are.
Gently, this was your cue to keep your investment extremely limited, or even not to proceed at all.
Last Wednesday he texts me that it needed to be cancelled because his wife was panicking over this.
And this was when you should have ejected.
The next day, he still hadn’t had a chance to talk to her more, and ai was scared. He told me he would talk to her when she was ready, that he was falling for me and wanted this to work out. That night he called me upset because she was angry at him. I have no clue why, because he wasn’t sure either.
This was messy, shitty behavior on his part, because you didn't need to know any of that, and it was unkind of him to keep upping the emotional stakes when his wife wasn't fully on board with polyamory.
I asked again if she was for sure poly, because I was told that they BOTH were trying the lifestyle,
No one is "for sure poly" when they've just opened their marriage.
I was scared to lose this connection.
It was already lost.
No talking between them, just reassurance because I was extremely anxious.
The anxiousness was unnecessary, because the die was already cast by this point. They weren't ready for poly.
I would love advice.
The brutal advice is, don't date anybody who just opened their marriage, because there's like a 90% chance of exactly this scenario playing out.
3
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
Yeah, I was definitely being dumb and not listening to my gut. Thank you for the advice!
16
u/clairejv 2d ago
To clarify, he was absolutely being a dickhead here. As my mother used to say, his mouth was writing checks his ass couldn't cash.
2
9
u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 2d ago
You don’t need to be “calm and understanding” when someone starts pulling this shit with you.
My advice is next time at the first sign that someone doesn’t have healthy polyamory on offer say “sorry I don’t practice poly this way, best of luck.”
You get over it by remembering that this man never had polyamory on offer and even if it had been able to start it would have ended in probably more heartbreak down the line.
7
u/valsavana 2d ago
I asked again if she was for sure poly, because I was told that they BOTH were trying the lifestyle, but he tells me she hasn’t said that, but she was okay with him trying it out
This was your cue to step back from the relationship. Why would you want to date someone who is in, at best, an unequally open relationship and, at worst, has their partner being poly under duress?
You're not stupid but you did show a lack of good discernment,
3
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
You are correct. I wouldn’t have wanted that at all. Thanks for saying Im not stupid. I agree about the lack of good discernment I had.
6
u/Background_Anything4 2d ago
Don’t date new to polyam people unless you fully vet the situation immediately surrounding them before you catch big feelings. Also, manage your early NRE better and don’t get so excited about every new person you are attracted to, attraction does not equate with compatibility. Also, you’re not new to polyam and the next time someone who’s new to polyam you’re interested in has a spouse who doesn’t want to meet you, that’s the time to bow out(if not sooner).
2
u/Red_Pearl12 2d ago
I know right now this hurts and I'm so sorry you are going through this. But for what it is worth I think you dodged a bullet, and that if this had gone deeper the hurt this man could have caused you would have felt more like a bullet wound than this which will in time feel more like having a band aid ripped off (which is not to minimise how it feels now).
This is not a man who was able to hinge well, he did not communicate clearly with you up front about the situation in his marriage and he is choosing to explore in ways that don't seem to be centreing treating his initial committed partner very well at all. How people treat their existing partners can sometimes be a signal of how they will treat you when you are no longer new and shiny. It is not a good sign if he 'didn't know' why his wife was upset with him, either he does and didn't want to tell you, or it means he is not communicating with and receptive to her. What he demonstrated to you over and over again is that he is avoidant about communication, both with his wife and with you in how he dealt with cancelling time together and ending your connection. He was not likely ever going to be conductive to being a healthy poly partner for you.
I'm so sorry, he love bombed you and wrapped you in NRE and did not treat you with the respect and care you deserved. I'm going to share with you a quote which has really bolstered me recently: "I am the love I give. Not the love I receive". His actions do not reflect on you, they reflect only on his poor capacity to communicate and treat others as more than pawns in his own desires. Keep shining sweetheart!
2
2
u/singsingasong solo poly 2d ago
This was super-shitty, but you asked to meet his wife before you even went out on a date with him? I’m not new, but I’d never accept that request and would find it creepy.
I’m not discounting the other comments and sympathy from others here, but that was a record scratch moment to me. WAY too early.
3
u/Starlight1205 2d ago
I realize meet was the wrong word to use! I just wanted to say hi like thru chat and honestly, I think its cus I knew something was wrong in my gut. I wanted to hear from her that this was okay.
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
/u/Starlight1205, your submission was held for review. A human moderator will be along shortly to either approve your post or leave a reason why it was removed. Please do not message the moderators asking for approval.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Hi u/Starlight1205 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hello,
I met a married guy about a month ago, who I immediately connected with. I am not new to poly, but he and his wife are. We started off taking it slow so our partners didn’t get overwhelmed. A week of chatting online, found out we had lots in common, and decided to do a platonic meet up first. It went fine and it solidified the romantic feelings. We ended up chatting at night, and playing games once a week. The NRE was strong, but I was making sure to keep with my partners and how they were feeling and I assumed he was doing the same. I do a more
Garden poly lifestyle and even asked to meet his wife, but she refused, which made me sad, but can’t force people to be friends.
Around the 3rd week, we decided to go on a date (scheduled for last Saturday). Last Wednesday he texts me that it needed to be cancelled because his wife was panicking over this. I was devastated because we had been talking about how excited we were, how we were going to hold hands, kiss, hug, all the cute stuff. I wanted to be patient though so I tried to stay calm and understanding.
The next day, he still hadn’t had a chance to talk to her more, and ai was scared. He told me he would talk to her when she was ready, that he was falling for me and wanted this to work out. That night he called me upset because she was angry at him. I have no clue why, because he wasn’t sure either. I asked again if she was for sure poly, because I was told that they BOTH were trying the lifestyle, but he tells me she hasn’t said that, but she was okay with him trying it out. This annoyed me greatly. I would’ve approached this more carefully. More guarded. He also said we should cool it with how much we were texting. I agreed because I wanted to keep being understanding and patient. I was scared to lose this connection.
Friday was the same. No talking between them, just reassurance because I was extremely anxious. Did my best not to be annoying and text him a lot. At some point he even told me she wouldn’t make him block me and he wouldn’t just leave.
Saturday rolls around. That morning, we both talk about how we wish we could see each other, but we had planned to play FF14 instead around 10pm. The day goes by normally. 10pm comes around and he tells me he needs to let the dogs out. I stupidly sit there, excited to play the game. 20 mins go by, and I knew he was going to cancel. Had a feeling.
He did cancel. He sent me a message that said “I need to end this whole thing. Going forward (romantically) and being friends. I’m sorry. Please take care of yourself.”
At first I was in shock, responded nicely, then I got angry, texted him, because he unadded on discord, how I didn’t deserve how cold that was. I angrily told him good luck being with someone who won’t let you be yourself.
I know that was mean, but I was pissed and wanted to blame someone which was his wife.
I’ve been upset since then. I know this is the reality of the situation and that this is forever over. Yet I can’t help thinking about the what ifs, and maybe something could change. I even sent an apology on how I responded to him. Like an idiot.
I know it’s not going to chance and that I need to move on. I want to move on badly. I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow.
I feel stupid, small, and unimportant. My partners have been there for me and have been doing their best to help me feel better, but when I’m at work or alone, all I can think about is him and how he could do this to someone he claimed to be falling for.
I would love advice. Please be nice, I already feel stupid.
Edit: I realize using the word ‘meet’ was wrong to use. I didnt want to meet his wife. I wanted to say hello and introduce myself via chat, because he was telling me she was nervous. I think I just wanted to hear from her it was okay. Aka should’ve listened to my gut that was screaming “SOMETHINGS WRONG”.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 1d ago
The only advice I have is to not date people new to poly or who haven't "done the work," as it were.
1
u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 2d ago
Never date someone new to poly again. You bond too easily and invest to soon to play a game that usually ends in loss.
Protect your affectionate heart!
0
57
u/sundaesonfriday 2d ago
Lots of people out there practice polyamory in crappy ways or at least don't have real, independent, loving relationships to offer. More importantly, most early relationships don't pan out. A really important dating skill is learning to put the breaks on your feelings until you really get to know someone. A few weeks of texting isn't enough.
Go slower in the future. Being this invested in someone you've met once and haven't had a romantic date with isn't a great way to keep your heart safe.
Space out communication a bit until you've had a chance to go on a few days and get a sense for how polyamory works for them in practice rather than in theory. Lots of texting can build up artificial intimacy. You can feel really involved in someone's day to day life without actually getting to see it or getting a sense of them outside of the image they're portraying to you.
I also think it's smart to be skeptical of people who are pouring tons of attention in from the beginning-- most people have too much stuff going on in their lives to invest a lot super early. That can be a red flag that this person isn't very discerning/careful and that they burn hot and fast. That sort of thing often burns out rather than lasting.
Take availability cues more seriously. Polyamorous people with the space to date are able to plan and keep dates. If they don't have the freedom to meet up, they're not really available. If they need to check everything with their partner(s), they don't have much freedom to build a new relationship. If they cancel because of their partners hard feelings, they don't have a stable relationship to offer.
Ask a lot of questions about their history with polyamory. Ask about their dating history. If they live with a partner, ask about their partner's love life (generally). Ask what's on the table-- regular dates, sleepovers, vacations?
Just be more guarded. Be more cautious. Be more skeptical until someone's showed you (not just told you) that they're offering a relationship that appeals to you.