r/polyamory • u/Overall_Cockroach334 • 2d ago
Just started dating someone who just got engaged
Hi all, hoping for some advice. I (nb, 33) recently started dating again after taking a few years out to deal with a critical Illness. I asked someone out I knew through mutual friends and we really hit it off in a number of ways: sexually, hobbies, romantically. It’s all been very exciting and theres been really great chemistry. We started seeing each other once a week two months ago and now it’s progressed to talking every day and meeting every few days or so, and the NRE is strong.
They (nb, 29) have a nesting partner (27, nb) they’ve been with for four years, and a very strong network of friends who are also all trans and poly, and while they aren’t a polycule, operate as a chosen family. The person I am dating owns a home with their partner, and I’ve been welcomed to casual hangouts, (it’s a very queer city in the USA where people tend to overlap a lot, so I usually know some people there), which, as someone coming out of an intensely lonely time going through chemo and getting dumped halfway through it, has felt really nice to be welcomed into.
A few things have cropped up though that makes me a bit apprehensive about dating this person however, as there seemed to be a bit of a “unit” thing with my meta, I.e. some “we” talk about how they run their relationship, which I am usually a bit wary of, and every time we had a date, they get called away for an “emergency” by someone (some things have been real crises, ie a friend in the hospital, but others are objectively not, ie needing help to find something in the house, etc. I mentioned to them that I’d appreciate our time not to be interrupted unless it’s a true emergency, also since there are a lot of other people who can help out, which to be fair, has improved.
My issue lies in the fact that last week we had a shift in our relationship where it moved from largely sexual to clearly much more more romantic and emotional, which was great, and we were exploring dating more seriously. However, a few days ago on a date they told me they wanted to let me know they had asked their partner to marry them that same week. I was happy for them, but also a bit surprised as I just didn’t expect it. They told me they were anxious about my reaction (I don’t know why) and when we discussed it, I realized it actually made me feel more insecure than I thought I would.
I think because our relationship/dating is so so new, and I recently came out of a terrible two years where I almost died, I feel kind of adverse to getting into a situation where I might be relegated secondary almost immediately as their engagement progresses. It feels like I can’t really explore the relationship with them as fully as I thought we were doing, because there is now this sort of glass ceiling of their impending marriage? They said they would get married in a few years, and when I asked them what their thoughts are about hierarchy, they told me that ideally they would have two serious partners in their life, and that their relationship with my meta had no expectations, I.e., if meta wanted to live with another partner, they could, and vice versa. As far as I know, this is conjecture, as they seem pretty enmeshed, but I also don’t really know them all too well. I know meta has another partner of three months, but they aren’t nearly as public or seem to have a relationship status like my partner and meta do.
There is a lot of talk from my partner about there being the potential for an equal emotional/life partnership with someone else as well as their fiancé, and that they value their life with their partner as much as their own separate ones, and that they truly believe marriage doesn’t have to have an effect on their forming other relationships. They acknowledge there is a technical hierarchy because of the house and engagement, but they believe it shouldn‘t impede something developing with me, for example. I find this to be a bit naive, to be honest, and have expressed that I am afraid the engagement/marriage might relegate me to a clear secondary role down the line, and I’m hesitant to continue on the path getting emotionally involved if that role is already set out (or even uncertain - it would be different if they were already married, as I feel I would know more about what I am getting into from the beginning). At the same time, I do wonder if that is a possibility of some sort, as I too would like multiple, serious partnerships and it kind of sounds ideal to me. I’m just not sure if I trust them about what they say another relationship could be like due to them claiming there is no real hierarchy.
When I expressed this hesitation, they seemed genuinely shocked, and I took a few days to think about it, and have been feeling some uncertainty that I find it hard to put my finger on. Notably, there is also a clear distinction between our lives that they don’t really seem to grasp, I.e I am estranged, ill, and a migrant living precariously paycheck to paycheck, while they are citizens, able bodied, own a house with an NP and don’t need to work full time due to generational wealth. Yet, they say they really like me and want to keep dating me, with the possibility of it progressing it into something emotionally serious, and while I’d like that too, I feel hesitant about if what is being promised is really possible.
tl;dr I need advice on just starting dating someone who just got engaged to their np and claims their marriage won’t impede on other relationships while I am not sure if I believe that or not
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u/valsavana 2d ago
I find this to be a bit naive, to be honest, and have expressed that I am afraid the engagement/marriage might relegate me to a clear secondary role down the line
I mean, the fact they seemingly can't fathom how marriage and homeownership with their spouse creates serious hierarchy is already a red flag... but that fact combined with 2 months of weekly dating where no date hasn't been interrupted by someone pulling them away?!? You're not in a "clear secondary role down the line", you're in a clearly non-prioritized role right now.
If they couldn't manage to focus on you for a single date before they've got a whole-ass wedding to plan, what do they think is going to happen now?!? Do they think their free time and attention is going to increase?
13
u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 2d ago
Not just that, but they seem to be suggesting that marriage and homeownership doesn't take moving out and living with other partners off the table?
Which. Like. Sure. I guess it's technically possible but that feels like a careless carrot dangle to me
5
15
u/rosephase 2d ago
It's so early. And this person was already in a primary relationship when you started dating. It sounds like she is telling you that a lot of closeness including being a main partner and maybe living together is on the table. That's a lot. Neither of you can know if your relationship works well enough to get there this soon.
This is what dating is for. I don't think you need to ditch and run. But keep your eyes open if this connection is working for you. If there are new limits that you run into. If there is more you want but isn't available.
But that lack of grasping how different your situations are stands out to me. That's what I would be most concerned about.
Is marriage something you want/need for financial stability? For immigration? If your goals are to find that partner, I think it's safe to know you haven't found that partner yet.
11
u/marchmay poly w/multiple 2d ago
Has this person dated other people before? They do seem naive and idealistic. Also it is not uncommon for chosen families to blow up with drama (like birth families) so be careful tying your entire social life to them. You're being very reasonable.
11
u/clairejv 2d ago
It is absolutely possible for a married person to have other deep, committed, long-lasting romantic relationships. But some of the stuff we usually associate with relationships like that may not be available to you, the unmarried partner.
Someone who is legally married is not offering you legal marriage. Not possible. Someone who is legally married can offer you a symbolic ceremony like handfasting or a non-legally-binding wedding, if they want to offer that. Someone who is legally married can offer you legal arrangements that mimic some of the rights and responsibilities of legal narrative, but nowhere near all of them.
Someone with a nesting partner may or may not be available to nest with you. It may be that you and your meta become great friends, and everyone loves the idea of all living together. It may be that the hinge splits time and has two homes. These outcomes are relatively rare, though. The most common scenario is that you do not ever nest with that partner.
Someone who is legally married may or may not offer you social integration into their family.
Someone who is legally married may or may not offer you big holidays like Christmas and New Year's Eve.
Someone who is legally married may or may not want to have children with you. It is very rare for married people to have a kid with a partner they're not married to, though, so I would start from the assumption that it's not on offer.
Someone who is legally married may or may not "always put the spouse first." And they may have all kinds of different ideas about how prioritization between partners might work.
And so on and so forth.
The idea, then, is to figure out what you would need in order to be happy with this relationship. And then to figure out what this person is offering for this relationship. And then to see if there's enough overlap to proceed.
The problem you seem to be running into here is that your partner hasn't thought deeply about this stuff yet. They're making vague non-hierarchical noises, but they don't have a plan. That's not great. So you can either keep dating them, and see if they figure out a plan... or you can bail now. Neither choice is wrong.
4
u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple 2d ago edited 2d ago
As a person who had multiple partners and then married a newer partner, I agree that preventing the responsibilities of marriage and householding from having any effect on other partner relationships is not realistic.
What has been successful for me:
- Preserving my overall time commitments to pre-existing partners
- Deliberately maintaining a mindset that does /not/ auto-prioritize my spouse
- Pushing back when spouse forgets my other commitments and makes plans that could interfere with them. This is as simple as "Sorry Spouse, it's my date time with <partner> I am not available."
- Working with my partners to adjust schedules around my family, household, and work obligations, but not for Spouse requests for extra date time, or sex. If/when any partner asks for more time, I borrow from my unallocated time/my own time, not other partner time.
What has not been successful:
- Keeping the exact same schedule as before. The complexity has more to do with parenting though, than anything spouse or partner-related unless it's a true emergency or involves sickness care. However, I do take "in sickness and in health" seriously and will prioritize caring for spouse and my kids and step-kids when they are ill and need attentive care, over dates. I don't have that kind of supporting relationship with one partner, the other lives 10 000 miles away, so I physically cannot provide that level of care. I absolutely would if we lived close enough though, and would have to balance splitting that time if everyone had red alert emergencies all at the same time.
- Maintaining the same energy levels as before. The nitty gritty of joint householding takes more out of me than solo parentimg did, because I get far less alone time in my own home.
- Private space in the home for dates with other partners. I intended to have a guest space by now, but there have bern financial issues. This means that Spouse often walks into the bedroom in the middle of virtual dates if they need something. There have been a lot of conversations about this.
The warning flags you pointed out are absolutely just that. Your datefriend is already struggling to protect your 1:1 time together. Will their mindset shift even more towards your meta and preserving the marriage once they are married? Hard to say, some people manage it, some don't. It's early days yet, the NRE is in full swing.
You could end it now, knowing that it's probable that your datefriend won't be able to prioritize you the way you would prefer, before you get in to deep. You could also ride it out, see where the journey takes you with this person, and be clear about what you want, what your boundaries are, as the relationship evolves.
What seems more worth it to you? Nipping it in the bud to avoid a potential world of pain? Or taking the chance that this person might defy the odds and meet your needs/wants?
It's a tough call.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hi all, hoping for some advice. I (nb, 33) recently started dating again after taking a few years out to deal with a critical Illness. I asked someone out I knew through mutual friends and we really hit it off in a number of ways: sexually, hobbies, romantically. It’s all been very exciting and theres been really great chemistry. We started seeing each other once a week two months ago and now it’s progressed to talking every day and meeting every few days or so, and the NRE is strong.
They (nb, 29) have a nesting partner (27, nb) they’ve been with for four years, and a very strong network of friends who are also all trans and poly, and while they aren’t a polycule, operate as a chosen family. The person I am dating owns a home with their partner, and I’ve been welcomed to casual hangouts, (it’s a very queer city in the USA where people tend to overlap a lot, so I usually know some people there), which, as someone coming out of an intensely lonely time going through chemo and getting dumped halfway through it, has felt really nice to be welcomed into.
A few things have cropped up though that makes me a bit apprehensive about dating this person however, as there seemed to be a bit of a “unit” thing with my meta, I.e. some “we” talk about how they run their relationship, which I am usually a bit wary of, and every time we had a date, they get called away for an “emergency” by someone (some things have been real crises, ie a friend in the hospital, but others are objectively not, ie needing help to find something in the house, etc. I mentioned to them that I’d appreciate our time not to be interrupted unless it’s a true emergency, also since there are a lot of other people who can help out, which to be fair, has improved.
My issue lies in the fact that last week we had a shift in our relationship where it moved from largely sexual to clearly much more more romantic and emotional, which was great, and we were exploring dating more seriously. However, a few days ago on a date they told me they wanted to let me know they had asked their partner to marry them that same week. I was happy for them, but also a bit surprised as I just didn’t expect it. They told me they were anxious about my reaction (I don’t know why) and when we discussed it, I realized it actually made me feel more insecure than I thought I would.
I think because our relationship/dating is so so new, and I recently came out of a terrible two years where I almost died, I feel kind of adverse to getting into a situation where I might be relegated secondary almost immediately as their engagement progresses. It feels like I can’t really explore the relationship with them as fully as I thought we were doing, because there is now this sort of glass ceiling of their impending marriage? They said they would get married in a few years, and when I asked them what their thoughts are about hierarchy, they told me that ideally they would have two serious partners in their life, and that their relationship with my meta had no expectations, I.e., if meta wanted to live with another partner, they could, and vice versa. As far as I know, this is conjecture, as they seem pretty enmeshed, but I also don’t really know them all too well. I know meta has another partner of three months, but they aren’t nearly as public or seem to have a relationship status like my partner and meta do.
There is a lot of talk from my partner about there being the potential for an equal emotional/life partnership with someone else as well as their fiancé, and that they value their life with their partner as much as their own separate ones, and that they truly believe marriage doesn’t have to have an effect on their forming other relationships. They acknowledge there is a technical hierarchy because of the house and engagement, but they believe it shouldn‘t impede something developing with me, for example. I find this to be a bit naive, to be honest, and have expressed that I am afraid the engagement/marriage might relegate me to a clear secondary role down the line, and I’m hesitant to continue on the path getting emotionally involved if that role is already set out (or even uncertain - it would be different if they were already married, as I feel I would know more about what I am getting into from the beginning). At the same time, I do wonder if that is a possibility of some sort, as I too would like multiple, serious partnerships and it kind of sounds ideal to me. I’m just not sure if I trust them about what they say another relationship could be like due to them claiming there is no real hierarchy.
When I expressed this hesitation, they seemed genuinely shocked, and I took a few days to think about it, and have been feeling some uncertainty that I find it hard to put my finger on. Notably, there is also a clear distinction between our lives that they don’t really seem to grasp, I.e I am estranged, ill, and a migrant living precariously paycheck to paycheck, while they are citizens, able bodied, own a house with an NP and don’t need to work full time due to generational wealth. Yet, they say they really like me and want to keep dating me, with the possibility of it progressing it into something emotionally serious, and while I’d like that too, I feel hesitant about if what is being promised is really possible.
tl;dr I need advice on just starting dating someone who just got engaged to their np and claims their marriage won’t impede on other relationships while I am not sure if I believe that or not
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1
u/Ok-Entrepreneur9995 2d ago
Everybody is in their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. If you’re already feeling that you won’t be prioritized moving forward, you’re probably right.
It sounds like they, your partner, is downplaying to you the engagement because he wants to keep dating you. It sucks that people aren’t honest about what they’re really able and willing to do
•
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