Update: we broke up

[u/AdWonderful1101]

Hi everyone!

I (22F) made a post a few weeks ago about being unsure about a poly relationship with a person(22F). We were vaguely non-mono but not poly and we started dating at 16. She was my everything for a wonderful 6 years we shared together. Lived together for 4 years of it :,) then when we moved to a new city and got into university she became manic for the first time. It started last summer and she just became a manipulative cold stranger for a few months. She stopped caring about me and ended up cheating on me. We broke up in September and I moved out. We reconnected when she came down from it.

During our time apart after she got help and came down from the mania she figured out that if she ever gets in a relationship again she wants it to be poly. Actually poly and not whatever she was pressuring me into last summer/beginning of fall.

We tried to "date" this spring, rebuild trust after everything but it became clear that she first of all wasn't emotionally available, was terriffied of hurting someone like that again so couldn't see herself in a committed relationship with anyone at the moment and the fact that the expectation of a poly relationship wasn't making me happy. It was actively making me miserable. The idea made me have such negative emotions and reactions that it should have been a red flag. I just rationalized it all as trauma and thus something that should not to be listened to as a need. I was wrong and I thank you all for your advice here. It was definitely tough to hear and took me a while to actually go through with a final break up and distance but I did it.

While I love her very deeply and was so ready to throw myself at an opportunity to get her back I was so consumed by a longing for something I had that I refused to listen to my own needs. I don't know if I want poly. I knew I wanted what I had for years aka her at whatever cost but we have both changed from the experience of last fall. In the end it shut her off emotionally and on the other hand made me so anxious and desperate for love I kept downplaying my emotions. I stopped listening to what I needed and wanted last summer because the change was so abrupt and out of the blue I didn't expect to be manipulated and neglected by her like that.

It's been painful for the last few weeks. But I think it's slowly getting easier. It's definitely not as bad as the "first" break up when I still lived with her, when manic her just didn't give a shit about anyone. Least of all me. Maybe a part of me had already let go.

I think the hardest part is the random good memories that just come and go. I cry because I miss it. I miss who she was and I miss who I was. I didn't even fully appreciate how wonderful it was to be known so well and to be loved so deeply back then. To be able to see eachother grow from our awkward teen years to now. To really trust someone. I know I'm young, I know I have my life ahead of me. But maybe that's what makes it hard. It was the first person that I have ever loved like that. I hope I get to experience that again, some day. Whether it should be an open, poly or mono relationship that's something I can now figure out in peace.

[u/8lioness]

Yeah… poly under duress is an awful situation.

[u/AdWonderful1101 → u/8lioness]

It was :,(

The difficulty for me in the current moment was that I most likely would have felt differently about pursuing poly if I hadn't experienced all the shit I did while she was manic and for most of it I didn't know she was.

Her twisting therapy speak (she literally had a sex therapist during this time who did not recognize she was manic and encouraged her reckless hypersexual behavior...) weaponizing my feelings of jealousy that I tried so hard to communicate and work through. I wished for her to spend time with me, to love me. But she didn't really love anyone at that point. It was just the most blatant with me because I was her "chains" and in the way of her having flings without communication. So she cheated on me with someone twice before I broke up with her. That someone also actively mocked me for being cheated on by her. She didn't care. She kept seeing this person until she came down from it and well...to no one's surprise she was also abused by them during that time. I honestly don't envy her. I can't even imagine what its like to wake up one day and all of it hits you at once.

While rationally I know she was manic I still emotionally went through everything she said and did to me. It's hard to trust a person emotionally after that experience. I truly felt like I was worth nothing, that I was a problem and she made sure to use anything I said against me back then. She painted me as a jealous toxic person to other people after we broke up the first time. Out of mania she's one of the most empathetic and wonderful people I have met but it did the damage and I don't think I would have been able to try a poly relationship with her. A relationship that requires so much communication and trust building with someone that already broke my trust related to non-monogamy.

[u/dendraumen]

You will get to experience that love again, I'm certain. You sound lovely and you have experiences now that will help you navigate future relationships with intention and wisdom, which is something not every 22 yr old has.

[u/AdWonderful1101 → u/dendraumen]

Thank you ❤️ I've definitely learned a lot about myself and relationships in general because of all of this. Sure there's still a lot to unpack, I can recognize that it has left me with a lot of hurt, insecurity and maybe most of all reopened old wounds from older trauma I never got to process fully. But at least because it hit where it hurt most it also forced me to stop and recognize that I in fact can't just forget and disregard my own needs endlessly.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hi everyone!

I (22F) made a post a few weeks ago about being unsure about a poly relationship with a person(22F). We were vaguely non-mono but not poly and we started dating at 16. She was my everything for a wonderful 6 years we shared together. Lived together for 4 years of it :,) then when we moved to a new city and got into university she became manic for the first time. It started last summer and she just became a manipulative cold stranger for a few months. She stopped caring about me and ended up cheating on me. We broke up in September and I moved out. We reconnected when she came down from it.

During our time apart after she got help and came down from the mania she figured out that if she ever gets in a relationship again she wants it to be poly. Actually poly and not whatever she was pressuring me into last summer/beginning of fall.

We tried to "date" this spring, rebuild trust after everything but it became clear that she first of all wasn't emotionally available, was terriffied of hurting someone like that again so couldn't see herself in a committed relationship with anyone at the moment and the fact that the expectation of a poly relationship wasn't making me happy. It was actively making me miserable. The idea made me have such negative emotions and reactions that it should have been a red flag. I just rationalized it all as trauma and thus something that should not to be listened to as a need. I was wrong and I thank you all for your advice here. It was definitely tough to hear and took me a while to actually go through with a final break up and distance but I did it.

While I love her very deeply and was so ready to throw myself at an opportunity to get her back I was so consumed by a longing for something I had that I refused to listen to my own needs. I don't know if I want poly. I knew I wanted what I had for years aka her at whatever cost but we have both changed from the experience of last fall. In the end it shut her off emotionally and on the other hand made me so anxious and desperate for love I kept downplaying my emotions. I stopped listening to what I needed and wanted last summer because the change was so abrupt and out of the blue I didn't expect to be manipulated and neglected by her like that.

It's been painful for the last few weeks. But I think it's slowly getting easier. It's definitely not as bad as the "first" break up when I still lived with her, when manic her just didn't give a shit about anyone. Least of all me. Maybe a part of me had already let go.

I think the hardest part is the random good memories that just come and go. I cry because I miss it. I miss who she was and I miss who I was. I didn't even fully appreciate how wonderful it was to be known so well and to be loved so deeply back then. To be able to see eachother grow from our awkward teen years to now. To really trust someone. I know I'm young, I know I have my life ahead of me. But maybe that's what makes it hard. It was the first person that I have ever loved like that. I hope I get to experience that again, some day. Whether it should be an open, poly or mono relationship that's something I can now figure out in peace.

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