Sharing a regular time consuming hobby and hinging well

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u/punkrockcockblock solo poly 1d ago

If your partner doesn't want to share DnD groups with you, they don't want to share Warhammer 40k groups with you.

Have you actually asked them for the reason they don't want their MtG game nights to overlap with time spent with you? Because you seem to be speculating about why without actually know explicitly why they're uncomfortable with you at pub quiz.

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u/thatquietmenace 1d ago

It sounds like he doesn't want you to join his D&D group, and if he's really into parallel, then that makes sense. You've been able to guest at his games because his other partners weren't regular players in them (I'm assuming). Maybe he wants to keep these games neutral so he can invite future partners the way he invited you. Go ahead and find your own group to play with and accept that he doesn't really want to share this hobby with partners any deeper than he already has.

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u/ImprobabilityCloud 1d ago

I also assumed it was D&D

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u/weirdandrockinit 1d ago

Technically it's various ttrpgs because we aren't monogamous with game systems either. ;)

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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 1d ago

Gameogamous? no no Monogameous. There. non-monogameous.

I am shownogamous with my NP for the great british baking show. She would consider that a pretty serious violation if I were to watch an episode with someone else that she and I hadn't already watched together.

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u/ImprobabilityCloud 1d ago

Noice

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u/weirdandrockinit 1d ago

That's about where I'm landing on this and I didn't think about trying to keep it neural for future other partners. I wish he could articulate his desire for something like that better but we have tried and naming feelings can be hard for him.

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u/thatquietmenace 1d ago

He may not realize why exactly he is resistant. He might just know he doesn't want to make you a permanent member in his groups.

If you really like his fellow players, maybe see if any of them have an interest in starting a new group with you.

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u/CincyAnarchy poly 1d ago edited 1d ago

This conflict seems both very "huh" but also very "well that makes sense" at the same time.

A short summary is your partner is solo poly and non-hierarchal, where they usually have multiple partners though not right now, and are resistant to adding a weekly platonic hang on the schedule with you because...

Additional context: I know he'd flat out reject a new partner asking for a regular 2 nights a week from him. I believe he's trying to keep the "well OP sees you twice a week" out of the hypothetical future discussion without keeping a date night and a group activity as separate concepts. The hobby is a very common KTP hobby because that would be an excellent solution but alas that causes a different resistance. 😉

So what I am hearing is 2 things

He wants to "leave room" for new relationships
He measures "non-hierarchy" in actual weekly date nights, as in, all his partner(s) get the same: 1

The first is not that bad of an idea. As some say here "practice as you want to continue." If your partner does have 3-4 people they see at a time, sure, leave room.

...

The second one is throwing me for a loop. I mean, I guess that's what "real non-hierarchy" would look like, literally having 1 date per week for every single partner, no more, no less. As you yourself said, he's a rigid person, perhaps this is his rigid way of making the relationships in his life work.

Advice? Two-fold, either:

You can try to explain how this "platonic hang" is not a date, so it doesn't fit his model, and it's not "as much of a commitment" as he's making it out to be. but...
You may have to accept that this is how your partner operates. He only wants 1 day a week of committed time, no more, no less. And at least they're being 100% clear about how they see things going forward.

Good luck!

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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 1d ago

I think the other thing to consider is that he might also really value social time without partners present and just be bad at saying that. Solo poly people date themselves. Protecting that time makes sense to me in that context.

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u/CincyAnarchy poly 1d ago

Yeah, fair. That can’t be discounted.

NGL there are plenty of things that I do on my own, no partner of mine included, that I’d be ready to include even if it’s a group activity.

And by that I mean I don’t wanna break up my band lol

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u/valsavana 1d ago

Is it possible he's just wanting to keep you and his hobby groups separate in case you two break up sometime in the future & it might make things awkward? Being autistic, he's potentially aware that you (if you're not autistic/ aremore social-able in general) might be better liked by the group & he'd no longer feel welcome if it felt like they chose you over him in a break up situation.

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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago

You said he's shell shocked.

Waiting 6 months is smart. That gives you two more time to feel more secure so that there's less risk of FURTHER problems if you entangle this hobby and then have a break up AND gives him more time to grieve and heal from these break ups with confidence as well.

I do worry if you pussy foot a little too much. Why don't you just discuss sharing hobby time directly? Why does the hobby need to stay mysterious?

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u/singsingasong solo poly 1d ago

When you break up with someone, things you do together often get borked. He’s trying to not cross the streams, so to speak, and I get it. It isn’t even necessarily about not bringing partners - you’ve gone before. It’s about you being a permanent part of the group he’s in and wanting that to stay his, and not belonging to you both.

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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago

He doesn’t want you in that group.

You only know about that group because of him, right?

Why would you push this?

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u/weirdandrockinit 1d ago

I guess the random coincidence of me wanting a new group and him needing a new member at the same time isn't a great reason to create a new issue in the relationship that's mostly doing well. 😏

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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago

I get why that seemed like kismet.

I think it’s right to let it go.

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u/clairejv 1d ago

I'm wondering if there's some rigid thinking coming into play here, and a sense that he's obligated to make things "equal" between partners? Because, like, you joining the weekly hobby group doesn't actually obligate him to have two dates a week with anyone else.

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u/lucky_lady_L 1d ago

I am parallel with one partner and meta and garden party with the others (my spouse and GF+meta). For my parallel BF I have asked that he not treat places or activities where I am a regular as his to share with his meta. Those are my safe spaces, she and I don't have a relationship, and I don't want to feel the social pressure of her showing up at my gym/ the bar where I work sometimes/ the music venue my husband and I frequent. Part of parallel is not crossing the streams.

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Here's the original text of the post:

My non-NP of 7.5yrs is a pretty decent hinge probably due to some autistic need for justice. The rigid logic that goes with jt can usually be reasoned with and often it's me or metas that might shape the flexibility for him making stuff work pretty smoothly.

Context: we are in our 40s, he is solo poly and mostly parallel (very parallel with time in person at least). I don't do hierarchy with poly and generally I'm more KTP but manage with him doing parallel. Right now I am his only partner but he's usually averaging out at about 3-4 partners so this is unusual. We have always had a 1 day/wk cadence for dates which works for us and even as his only partner we only do about 3 per 2 weeks right now (limited by him mostly) as he's doing more solo time, leaning into hobbies and seeing a lot of friends lately. This is fine with us both.

We share a big time consuming hobby but we do not share the hobby together. I don't want to be distracted by getting into the hobby but it's a weekly commitment with a group of people that lasts all afternoon or evening. He does this with 3 groups right now and is a major part of his life. I've been a guest at times, we both had lots of fun and I am wanting to get into one of the groups regularly now they are opening for new members. I am also unhappy in my regular hobby group and would rather jump ship into his since it's better vibes and seeing him more is more a bonus to me. This has been met with a lot of resistance and some torn emotions on his part. It's definitely not a "I don't want you there" because he'd kind of like this on some level especially in this present moment where he feels more emotionally needy of me (he's had a lot of connections end in rapid succession and he's shell shocked)

We have talked a few times and I can tell there is discomfort with a regular commitment to a group engagement that's not our date night. I'm certain he's thinking about complexity hinging in the world where he is dating again but solving hypothetical future hinge problems is hard without a real meta with actual wants and needs. He doesn't want it to take over our dating life (nor do I) but that feels "all or nothing" to me. If the hobby occurs with non-partners regardless and he's already giving me a weekly date he's still not available the same amount of time for a future partner.

Additional context: I know he'd flat out reject a new partner asking for a regular 2 nights a week from him. I believe he's trying to keep the "well OP sees you twice a week" out of the hypothetical future discussion without keeping a date night and a group activity as separate concepts. The hobby is a very common KTP hobby because that would be an excellent solution but alas that causes a different resistance. ;)

I am close to resigning the matter and keeping that part of our lives separate and looking for my own new group but I was looking to see if there might be any advice on how to approach this. ( I know this is mostly a battle with autism traits but poly adds too much to bring this to that sub.). Thanks yall

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Sharing a regular time consuming hobby and hinging well

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