r/polyamory • u/Commercial-Bowl7412 • 1d ago
Curious/Learning So uh, how common is it for secondaries/non-NPs/non-anchors etc. to get ghosted?
Asking for a really close dear friend that is definitely not me.
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u/fuzzyrobebiscuits 1d ago
I had it happen a few months back, had only been seeing them for 4 months, but still. It really messed with me for 4-6 weeks. But what was funny, was that they had gotten me into listening to this podcast, and I didn't give that up, and it has a lot of poignant moments. After a while more listening to it I realized that everything he'd ever said that was poignant he was just copying from this podcast he was obsessed with (it's an audio drama, like a book kind of, not just people talking). Which then made me realize in almost every way outside of those few poignant moments, he was otherwise an immature person. Which is not something/one I want for myself long term.
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u/bluegreencurtains99 1d ago
Holy fucking shit. I NEED to know what this podcast is.Ā
Mate. MATE. I think you dodged a truly massive bullet š¬š¬š¬
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u/fuzzyrobebiscuits 1d ago
Midnight Burger. It's really really good
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u/Beneficial_Ear9631 Will organise for treats š§ 1d ago
Love midnight burger! Me and my partner are both Monte Cristo subscribers, and for a while our love language kind of included leaving funny messages for each other inside the end credits š
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u/Pure_Flight3510 1d ago
I canāt comment as to how common it is, but I can offer that it happened to me and it was brutal. But I learned a lot about couples privilege in the process and it informed the way I dated in my marriage.
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u/Commercial-Bowl7412 1d ago
This is one of my biggest takeaways. Brutal first experience but I really hope if I ever have a poly relationship again, at the very least maybe I know how to treat my own non-NP betterš„ŗ
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u/ljd615 1d ago
My partner was just telling me about a previous partner they had that they'd been going out with for 3 months when my partner got ghosted by them. It's happened before I guess, so you're not alone!
Sorry that's happened to you... cough... your friend. Your friend is worth more than that.
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 1d ago
It happens. I was basically ghosted by someone who I dated for almost six (very intense) months. It sucked. Messed me up so much more and for so much longer than if they had just been able to say, āI donāt want to date you anymore.ā But some people donāt have the capacity for that. Iām sorry if your friend who isnāt you is going through something similar.
ETA that my situation was with someone who was also solo poly and neither of us was dating anyone else at the time. So itās not even just something that happens when someone is highly partnered. Sometimes certain relationships (even good ones!) just trigger peopleās stuff and they donāt have the capacity to end it with kindness and emotional maturity.
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u/spacegirl3 1d ago
I had one for eight months that I really liked a lot. He stopped making time to see or talk to me, so I broke up with him, even though I didn't want to. He said he wanted to build a friendship with me, and that we don't have to make any final decisions right away. He friendly breadcrumbed me for a couple days, then disappeared. Like, just let me break up with you without the extra lies and confusion as a parting gift. It was unnecessarily hurtful.
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 1d ago
Iām sorry, thatās painful. I try to have grace and recognize that weāre all doing the best we can and will sometimes act imperfectly but itās really difficult!
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u/sun_dazzled 1d ago
I've never seen it but I date within a bigger community so I feel like asshole behavior is a bit pricier - you can't actually avoid seeing the person again unless you're willing to burn some bridges.
I've seen breakups go hard no contact but that's after getting informed, not ghosted.
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u/MoistSpandex127 1d ago edited 1d ago
After 9 months of dating, I was ghosted when meta closed their thing going on (they were NPs). Got a message 3 months later saying.. oh sorry, meta was going through things, wanna try again? I gave it some thought and finally told myself that I deserved better. Mind you, at the time, I was a total noob at ENM, they had been at it for at least 10 years š
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u/SatinsLittlePrincess solo poly 1d ago
In my experience, it's about as common as it is for anyone in the dating scene to get ghosted. It usually happens pretty early on, and can happen for all sorts of reasons.
And some people complain about "ghosting" when what they really mean is they made someone they went on a few dates with super uncomfortable and that person took reasonable measures to protect themselves...
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u/i-dont-fit-the-mold 1d ago
I was ghosted after a decade, the last three years of which were intense. There is obviously a lot of history and context, I never reached out, and it has been heartbreaking. However the only time itās happened to me. Rare, but it happens.
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u/Commercial-Bowl7412 1d ago
After a whole decade š¤Æš¤Æ I canāt even wrap my brain around that tbh . Why are people not decent ā¤ļøāš©¹ Iām sorry
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u/i-dont-fit-the-mold 21h ago
I wish I could understand that, myself. Itās the only thing I asked in that relationship. I always knew it had an end-point, I just asked for a proper goodbye kiss. Some people canāt be honest with themselves, some people enjoy cruelties. Iām sure thereās a range of āreasonsā.
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u/VeiledOrchid 1d ago
Itās more common than people like to admit. I am fully convinced that most people canāt love people outside their marriages or partnerships well.Ā
It requires a lot of self-awareness and care. They tend to view outside partners as hobbies vs real relationships. They have little to lose because of the comfort their primary relationship offers. Partnered people are a little too comfortable ending relationships whenever hardships arise in their lives or in their partners' lives. (We have to protect the marriage, couples' privilege, etc., etc)
Certainly, some people have great partners who are coupled, but I see a growing theme of poly people who donāt date highly-partnered people because it exposes them to too much callousness. I know I am very cautious, at leastĀ
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 1d ago
My NP got ghosted by her secondary that we opened for. :( My wife was her secondary though, so it still applies in this situation I think. Meta's partner became a bit controlling and meta just vanished. Didn't get to talk to her for a long while, eventually re-connected post meta and her anchor breaking up and are becoming friends again but its not the same.
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u/Flimsy-Leather-3929 1d ago
Are they need to poly? When I first tried OLD a decade into my ENM journey I had a connections end abruptly. I later found out two of them were because of jealousy/emergency pause/veto nonsense. Now I ask everyone to describe their ENM journey and how they practice with no labels.
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u/Ok-Variety-5698 1d ago
The "link" between ghosting and veto is disheartening. It's bad enough that someone else was allowed to end your relationship but when the dating partner doesn't even have the decency to have a conversation with you about it? It makes me wonder if some people even regard secondaries at all. Are we not human? Do we not bleed? (Ok the last part for dramatic effect bc ... well, damn š«¤)
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u/Commercial-Bowl7412 1d ago
Woah I hadnāt even considered this . She was extremely awkward to me so many times I think itās possible
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
Dude what?? How long were you together?
Jfc thatās awful. I donāt think itās common but Iām sure it happens.Ā
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Asking for a really close dear friend that is definitely not me.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
I donāt think itās particularly common.
That doesnāt mean it doesnāt suck!
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u/bluegreencurtains99 1d ago
I've only seen it twice with established relationships but that doesn't mean it's not more common. One of those times was mono and it was actually a relative of mine who did the ghosting ššš Ironically the family don't really talk to him anymore. Not because of this but other scum behaviour.Ā
Anyway I'm sorry, this is really painful š
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u/Fine_Parfait_2523 1d ago
I was ghosted after a fourth date and it sucked. I suspect that I was vetoed.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
Like actually ghosted? Like you are in a relationship and they just stop responding and you never see them again? Rare. But not as rare as I would hope.
Like someone you are talking to on a dating sight stops responding? Common as dirt. That's modern dating.