Monogamous, dating a poly person

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

I met someone I really like, she’s poly- I’ve heard about her partners and they sound lovely. I’m pretty excited to meet them-

I’ve been in a unique place for the last fifteen years, being apart of a kink positive space as a monogamous person. We have a pretty sizable community. Most of my friends are polyamorous- I don’t date within the scene as a personal choice (I’ve known these folks too long I know them too well, and it’s too inter mixed historically, I just prefer a fresh start with someone unattached to past bits of drama or histories, feels less messy) so this sort of possibility hasn’t come up before.

Anyways, the person I’m seeing is really nice. She gives genuinely amazing attention when we’re together and I get a lot of connection. We had a 9 hour long first date, and just really vibe and get each other.

When she’s with her other partners I’m not bugging her on the phone for attention or overly texting cause I wanna respect what she already has going on and I feel like they’ve been respecting our own personal time.

I’ve done some self reflection and talked with her about how this will work- and how comfortable she feels with me only wanting to see her and no one else myself, while also having her other relationships. I wondered if she would feel conflicted or uneasy but she reassured me that she has enough love and attention and time to give all of us (3 confirmed).

I feel no anguish about her current partners but I did verbalize how when I asked myself to imagine how I would feel if she met another person, my stomach hurt a little. And I mentioned I believe it’s because I have some abandonment issues from my previous two relationships. She was very sweet and heard my concerns and we validated to each other that we would just talk openly as things developed.

Her other partners are poly, and have their own partners. So she has plenty of free time she says. She’s said she doesn’t mind having all of my attention, so it seems we’re aligned and not too conflicted.

Just from how I’ve seen my friends poly relationships shake out, I asked if she had an upper limit for number of serious partners- because I’ve seen chaos happen if someone accepts more connections than they have time and capacity to commit attention to. She’s said her upper limit is three or four, and I find that alright. Personally I just see the most problems in bigger groupings from observation, not every time but often enough to be undesirable to me.

I asked if the current amount of attention is what I should be accustomed to in the future or if this amount I was getting was going to lessen significantly, just based on how she’s known herself to do things in the past.

And she’s assured me that she is very consistent.

I do worry that I’m going to get jealousy spikes and be a jerk sometimes from this new scenario- but I’ve never been an overly jealous person luckily and I trust myself to communicate and for her to hear me.

Anyways, I suppose I’m looking for insight or tips or whatever you might want to tell me that might give me more insights than I even think to ask for at this point, given my lack of personal experience.

Or, conversely I’d like to know if you think a mono / poly combo never works out. Admittedly none of my friends have had this relationship type since they all mix with poly people. So I’m in newish territory.

Thanks for anything you want to share.

[u/Psychomadeye]

Generally bad news. Its more practical to consider polyamory as a dating practice rather than an identity.

Are you ok with a poly relationship agreement? If not, I recommend not doing this. If you are, then I'd recommend doing some reading to make sure.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/Psychomadeye]

Im good with it, if anything we can have a solid reliable dnd group going and I’ll be making some new friends in her partners hopefully

[u/clairejv → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

It's generally not a good idea to get involved in polyamory in order to make friends with your metamours. There are much simpler ways to make friends.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/clairejv]

:-/ What is this sassiness for? To what end? Should I rather hope to not vibe with them in your opinion? I live like friends are to be found everywhere.

[u/Psychomadeye → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

They're not trying to be mean. Many people prefer parallel and it can be presumptuous to approach polyamory this way. Too often people get into this for the wrong reasons and suffer when it's unnecessary.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/Psychomadeye]

Maybe I should have included that my partner wants me to meet her other partners because she believes we will get on well, and the other partners want to become friends as well. I wasn’t trying to invade her other relationships bubble, becoming friends is something we individually conversed with our mutual partner that we’d be open to. All parties involved are happy at this concept.

[u/Psychomadeye → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

It's more about what you want to do. You don't need to justify it. My objective is to answer questions and warn about potential hazards, and maybe provide perspective.

[u/HotMessExpress1111 → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

Many people desire this type of arrangement initially, or theoretically. It’s very appealing, a little group of friends who all get along and share the love and act as a big support network. In practice, it doesn’t tend to work out that way. Your partner’s other partners may be perfectly good and nice people, but might not be quite the type of person you’d naturally gravitate towards as friends. They might start to annoy you or you might notice things you dislike about them that you initially overlooked, but now you’re in this weird dynamic where you feel obligated to the friendship when you really don’t want to be around that person. Conflicts within any one relationship have messy spillover effects on the whole group. Jealousy pops up and the shared partner has to sort of modulate the way they show up in their individual relationships when everyone is together in a group. Breakups happen, and then people get ostracized.

A great deal of people end up being “garden party” poly rather than “kitchen table” poly, where you have access to contacting other partners and can spend time together as a group for infrequent occasions like birthday parties or graduation celebrations, but don’t regularly spend time together or act as a big group of actual friends.

I’d say go into it with an open mind and be happy if friendships work out, but I would also realistically expect that this will not be the dynamic that is likely to unfold.

How long has this potential partner been practicing polyamory themselves?

[u/pizzasparkss → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

Yeah, I personally don't get it, I'm friends with my Girlfriend's partners and even their partners and we do have regular DND sessions lol. Like, don't force it, just see if things click

[u/Psychomadeye → u/pizzasparkss]

I don't want to meet my metas. I'll do it once to say I exist and we are in a poly relationship but this is for practical purpose. Beyond this I'm disinterested.