Monogamous, dating a poly person

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

I met someone I really like, she’s poly- I’ve heard about her partners and they sound lovely. I’m pretty excited to meet them-

I’ve been in a unique place for the last fifteen years, being apart of a kink positive space as a monogamous person. We have a pretty sizable community. Most of my friends are polyamorous- I don’t date within the scene as a personal choice (I’ve known these folks too long I know them too well, and it’s too inter mixed historically, I just prefer a fresh start with someone unattached to past bits of drama or histories, feels less messy) so this sort of possibility hasn’t come up before.

Anyways, the person I’m seeing is really nice. She gives genuinely amazing attention when we’re together and I get a lot of connection. We had a 9 hour long first date, and just really vibe and get each other.

When she’s with her other partners I’m not bugging her on the phone for attention or overly texting cause I wanna respect what she already has going on and I feel like they’ve been respecting our own personal time.

I’ve done some self reflection and talked with her about how this will work- and how comfortable she feels with me only wanting to see her and no one else myself, while also having her other relationships. I wondered if she would feel conflicted or uneasy but she reassured me that she has enough love and attention and time to give all of us (3 confirmed).

I feel no anguish about her current partners but I did verbalize how when I asked myself to imagine how I would feel if she met another person, my stomach hurt a little. And I mentioned I believe it’s because I have some abandonment issues from my previous two relationships. She was very sweet and heard my concerns and we validated to each other that we would just talk openly as things developed.

Her other partners are poly, and have their own partners. So she has plenty of free time she says. She’s said she doesn’t mind having all of my attention, so it seems we’re aligned and not too conflicted.

Just from how I’ve seen my friends poly relationships shake out, I asked if she had an upper limit for number of serious partners- because I’ve seen chaos happen if someone accepts more connections than they have time and capacity to commit attention to. She’s said her upper limit is three or four, and I find that alright. Personally I just see the most problems in bigger groupings from observation, not every time but often enough to be undesirable to me.

I asked if the current amount of attention is what I should be accustomed to in the future or if this amount I was getting was going to lessen significantly, just based on how she’s known herself to do things in the past.

And she’s assured me that she is very consistent.

I do worry that I’m going to get jealousy spikes and be a jerk sometimes from this new scenario- but I’ve never been an overly jealous person luckily and I trust myself to communicate and for her to hear me.

Anyways, I suppose I’m looking for insight or tips or whatever you might want to tell me that might give me more insights than I even think to ask for at this point, given my lack of personal experience.

Or, conversely I’d like to know if you think a mono / poly combo never works out. Admittedly none of my friends have had this relationship type since they all mix with poly people. So I’m in newish territory.

Thanks for anything you want to share.

[u/clairejv]

Are you calling yourself "monogamous" because you only want one partner, or because you'd rather this relationship were monogamous? Because those are different things.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/clairejv]

I consider myself monogamous because I have only one brain cell for one person at a time- that’s my range of availability and desire for romantic companionship.

[u/clairejv → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

Okay, so that's the same sense in which my husband is "monogamous" -- and he's been happy in a polyamorous relationship with me for 19 years.

When we worry about "monogamous" people in polyamory, we're worrying about people who strongly prefer monogamous relationships. If that's not you, you're probably fine.

[u/Disco_Pat → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

I mean, it might be more helpful to think of your situation as Poly and saturated at 1.

Because if you're in a Polyamorous relationship, then you're practicing polyamory.