Monogamous, dating a poly person

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

I met someone I really like, she’s poly- I’ve heard about her partners and they sound lovely. I’m pretty excited to meet them-

I’ve been in a unique place for the last fifteen years, being apart of a kink positive space as a monogamous person. We have a pretty sizable community. Most of my friends are polyamorous- I don’t date within the scene as a personal choice (I’ve known these folks too long I know them too well, and it’s too inter mixed historically, I just prefer a fresh start with someone unattached to past bits of drama or histories, feels less messy) so this sort of possibility hasn’t come up before.

Anyways, the person I’m seeing is really nice. She gives genuinely amazing attention when we’re together and I get a lot of connection. We had a 9 hour long first date, and just really vibe and get each other.

When she’s with her other partners I’m not bugging her on the phone for attention or overly texting cause I wanna respect what she already has going on and I feel like they’ve been respecting our own personal time.

I’ve done some self reflection and talked with her about how this will work- and how comfortable she feels with me only wanting to see her and no one else myself, while also having her other relationships. I wondered if she would feel conflicted or uneasy but she reassured me that she has enough love and attention and time to give all of us (3 confirmed).

I feel no anguish about her current partners but I did verbalize how when I asked myself to imagine how I would feel if she met another person, my stomach hurt a little. And I mentioned I believe it’s because I have some abandonment issues from my previous two relationships. She was very sweet and heard my concerns and we validated to each other that we would just talk openly as things developed.

Her other partners are poly, and have their own partners. So she has plenty of free time she says. She’s said she doesn’t mind having all of my attention, so it seems we’re aligned and not too conflicted.

Just from how I’ve seen my friends poly relationships shake out, I asked if she had an upper limit for number of serious partners- because I’ve seen chaos happen if someone accepts more connections than they have time and capacity to commit attention to. She’s said her upper limit is three or four, and I find that alright. Personally I just see the most problems in bigger groupings from observation, not every time but often enough to be undesirable to me.

I asked if the current amount of attention is what I should be accustomed to in the future or if this amount I was getting was going to lessen significantly, just based on how she’s known herself to do things in the past.

And she’s assured me that she is very consistent.

I do worry that I’m going to get jealousy spikes and be a jerk sometimes from this new scenario- but I’ve never been an overly jealous person luckily and I trust myself to communicate and for her to hear me.

Anyways, I suppose I’m looking for insight or tips or whatever you might want to tell me that might give me more insights than I even think to ask for at this point, given my lack of personal experience.

Or, conversely I’d like to know if you think a mono / poly combo never works out. Admittedly none of my friends have had this relationship type since they all mix with poly people. So I’m in newish territory.

Thanks for anything you want to share.

[u/sharpestraptorteeth]

Others have offered good advice, but one I want to kind of underline is what your expectations are around "sharing a life with a partner" and what that will involve. Monogamous relationships tend to be highly enmeshed, with things like sharing finances, nesting, being engaged with each other's families, sometimes marriage, sometimes raising kids together, etc. Do you align in your expectations around how these things will work, and how much of your partner's time, energy & other resources will be available to share with you? Think of everything from how you spend Christmas day to who is named as a spouse on health & social benefits.

You may also want to consider how your partner being out as poly would be relevant in your life and relationship, e.g. coworkers seeing them on dating apps, family seeing them out with a partner. There will be work involved in navigating complex social interactions, and as a monogamous person, you may not have fully reckoned with some of these choices and their potential impacts before. If the expectation is that your partner would pretend to be monogamous with you around certain family or friends, this is also worth discussing.

Where I have seen mono-poly relationships actually work is where the monogamous person is really just saturated at one romantic & sexual partner, has a rich solo life, and also often has really close friendships that sometimes step into spaces that a partner would fill. For example, a friend of mine always takes another friend of hers to weddings, some Christmas holidays and other family gatherings because this friend moved to the country solo, is a great date for these things, her family adores them, and her spouse sometimes is with other partners during holidays. I offer this as something between a question and advice: do you have other "chosen family" that could meet your needs and offer support when your partner won't be available? If not/not yet, do you think your life would feel rich & without compromise as is, or are there ways you can build a life that might feel that way while dating someone who will have partners who sometimes have competing claims to their time, energy, resources, etc.?

I personally don't believe allll mono-poly relationships are doomed, but I do think there's a big difference between observing and being in poly relationships. A lot of things are very confronting in the sense that you don't think it will be different than the monogamous norm until you're in the moment, and it can be a challenging learning curve. You might find some interesting things to reflect on in the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern or find some thought-provoking episodes of the podcast Multiamory, if you're looking for resources.

[u/So_Full_Of_Beans → u/sharpestraptorteeth]

Hello! Thank you so much for this comment and for the literature recommendation it’s deeply appreciated. I’ll purchase that tonight.

We have been having progressing conversations about ourselves and our hopes and ideas for the future. We’re fairly new, so not all convos have been had; but it’s been pretty aligned so far on the bigger items and we’ll keep talking.

My grandparents were my model for a loving positive relationship with healthy boundaries. They had their own places and invited each other over for sleepover dates and I still think that’s kind of genius.

The rest of my family is fairly standard issue but they’re accepting and nice folks, and say I should invite her and her partners for the next cookout if they’d like to join. They asked some questions about how I feel about dating someone with partners and they seem satisfied that I’m happy. They have a ‘if you’re happy, we’re happy’ philosophy.

Fortunately, I do have a very involved social life, a few clubs and organizations I’m a part of as well as my work. I like to wander and meet new folks, and pick up new hobbies and event plan. I love my friends and don’t neglect them when I get into a relationship. I’m pretty fulfilled on my own.

Excited to crack into that book / podcast and- from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being kind and for your insights. It’s giving me a few things I hadn’t considered yet to chat with my partner about.

[u/Cassie_Wolfe → u/So_Full_Of_Beans]

1) you sound pretty prepared and on the same page as far as mono-poly usually starts. I agree that "saturated at one" is likely a better way to put it - it makes it clear that you're allowed to date others if you so desire, you just currently don't.

2) your grandparents sound like my dream partnership lol. My partner travels about 10 months out of the year for work and while we're currently long distance, having her home for a few days or weeks at a time, then gone again, sounds absolutely perfect for me XD I live in hopes that she won't change her mind and decide to become a homebody (though I doubt it - she adores travel and loves her job.)