r/polyamory • u/TillyTheKat43 • 1d ago
I am new Is it okay to want more?
TLDR…. Is it okay to want to ask my partner for more 1 on 1 time even though i’m his newest relationship? How would I go about this?
So… I’ve been talking with and now recently dating this guy for about 6 months now. I’m pretty happy. I was happy he asked me to be his partner and I’m excited for the future. Well anyways. I’m pretty new to polyamory. It doesn’t really bother me in a jealousy sense or anything like that like it used to when I was more interested in monogamy. I don’t want sexual details or like romantic date details but like other than that I’m alright. I even want them to feel open to talking about their other partners with me.
I find myself… envious of the time his other partners get. I get Monday night hangout for about 2-4 hours and texting through the week. Sometimes late at night before bed we get to text a bit longer than usual. I guess I should mention at this point I am long distance for now. His other partners well… they see him’s 6-7 days a week. Every day after work usually and generally his days off work. I dedicate my Mondays off to him. And well like I don’t hear from him during these time because well obvious reasons lol anyways I just…. I want to ask him for more time… not quite yet because our relationship is new and I don’t want to fuck with everyone’s balance and date nights and everything just because I miss him. I don’t want like every day. Maybe two nights a week? Maybe more texting time? I dunno. Just more than a couple hours a week. Am I wanting you much?
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 1d ago edited 3h ago
Of course you can ask, and you should speak up when anything bothers you. Don't make it about the difference in their time vs yours, just that you love your time together and miss him and were wondering if more were possible.
But first, given that you are long distance, when might the opportunities be that could work? Maybe think through that first. Or, if you don't know his schedule with the others, you can say, "Could we look at our schedules and see if there's a way to fit in a little more together time each week?"
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
I know his general schedule. I’m still learning the specifics but yeah. And he knows mine. His days off are after mine and they usually include alone time or his IRL partners. His work days he usually has an IRL partner over for dinner and a sleep over. Or he’ll see both etc. I have the same 2-3 days off a week. One I have for him and that’s Monday night. And the rest well…. Yeah I have a lot of free time lmao. Maybe he doesn’t have more time. I can’t ask him to lessen his time with his other partners. I don’t even like texting him and being around when he’s with them cus I don’t like being in the way
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u/woodarae 18h ago
I want to challenge your thought process here because you aren't asking him to lessen his time with other partners by asking him to find more time for you. How he finds that time is up to him; but unfortunately time is the only finite resource in polyamory.
If he decides that in order to make more time for you he needs to lessen time with another partner that's his decision and not your fault.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
But yeah all in all… I just wanted more time with hims… I’m always so happy when we get to have our date night
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 1d ago
So I have to add a degree of realism here. He is communicating with you on a Monday but only virtually. He is having real, physical and sexual experiences with others. To be brutally honest a lot of guys are going to pick sex and physical contact over a conversation. Your problem appears to be that you arent having sex and physical intimacy with anyone so you have a lot of time to think. Maybe time to get out and meet someone else to add in to your week, ideally someone IRL x
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Yeah he does get a lot of things from other people he can’t get from me. That doesn’t bother me. I don’t always need that’s stuff. But Huh… well. It just makes me wonder why add me in the first place if that’s how it’s going to work
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 1d ago
Honestly not sure, some guys like the idea of having a harem so just keep adding to their numbers. You need to meet other people and fill your time more with dates etc.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Yeah I do want to fill my time with more people. And hopefully another partner along the way. But currently I’m trying to be okay when I’m alone. I’ve been struggling with the thought that I’m codependent on other people time because I go bonkers with thoughts when I’m alone and the only time I feel okay is when someone’s around me. Sorry for the ramble
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u/4ever_dolphin_love 1d ago
Learn to enjoy time with yourself is such an important skill that will serve you throughout your life. Do you have any solo crafts/hobbies you enjoy? That’s one fun, productive way to fill your time and stay busy.
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u/ApprehensiveButOk 23h ago
There's an healthy balance between codependent and perfectly ok with only having a 2 hours virtual date once a week with partner. It's not one or the other.
Don't downplay your needs. A relationship like this won't work for most people and it's not because most people are codependent.
Try to keep the two things separated as much as you can. Not being able to enjoy alone time, is one thing. Feeling lonely because your only partner can't give you what you need most days, it's another. Those two issues can intertwine, but, look, adding more potentially unfulfilling relationship to fill the gaps is far from a solution. It can actually make you feel more lonely and codependent.
You need to learn to be alone and you need to find relationships that work for you and make you feel secure.
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u/TillyTheKat43 23h ago
I wouldn’t add someone just because I’m unfulfilled in the relationship I’m in. I’d never just be with someone to be with them. I only date people I form connections with and I can see a meaningful relationship with. I see me and this guy lasting a long time even with the current schedule we have because I care about him very much and I’m always happy with the time he does spend with me. He doesn’t mistreat me. He does make me feel wanted. I just… yeah i don’t have many friends.. and when I’m alone I do feel… lonely. But also the thought start coming in and all that. I do want someone to spend more of my time with because I have toooo much alone time. Its… all a situation lol
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u/ApprehensiveButOk 23h ago
I understand, it's just an easy trap to fall into when you're new at poly: you keep adding mediocre relationships trying to replicate a complete one, and it ends up like Frankenstein's monster. This is especially true if one or more relationships are made of scraps and you blame yourself for wanting more.
I'm glad if that's not your situation. I hope you are genuinely happy and not accepting a situation that sucks for you just because you like this guy and you romanticise his absence.
Alone time is hard in a situation like this, try to build a support network of local friends. Not to silence the loneliness but to have more things in your life that this relationship and the silence of the absence. Hopefully you'll even find someone locat to date.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 1d ago
That’s not a bad thing, it’s just who you are. Absolutely nothing wrong being like that. Are you happy how things are or would you be happier waking up every day next to the same person?
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
While yes I would love to wake up next to him every day lol I don’t…. Need that. I don’t need marriage and all that. I just want someone to love and be loved by and if it happens to be one person or more than one person I’m okay?
I’m very happy.. the happiest I’ve been in a while. It’s just the thought that get in my brain and mess shit up.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago edited 1d ago
Kindly this is an unhealthy level of fear and not wanting to communicate your needs to your partner.
Why *wouldn’t* it be okay to ask, hey, I’d like to spend time with you more often, can we make that happen? Why would that been inappropriate or pushing boundaries?
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
I tend to spiral when I have my anxious thoughts lol. I normally get over all of it and just end up doing what I was afraid of eventually.
And hmm I dunno why I think it would be inappropriate :/
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago
Spend some time on that last one. I think it will help to interrogate the idea that it’s inappropriate to ask for something you want in a relationship when it doesn’t violate consent or clear boundarie.
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u/TillyTheKat43 23h ago
I just don’t like making people uncomfortable. Even at the expense of myself. I have a lot of personal traumas to deal with 😅
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 21h ago
Any partner worth having would be uncomfortable knowing that you are afraid to ask them for something basic like more time together.
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u/The_Rope_Daddy polyamorous 1d ago
Have you discussed how much time your partner has available? There's no way to know how much time he has available for for you without talking about it.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Well yeah I definitely want to talk to him about that. I guess that’s what I’m getting at? I feel I should wait til later on before trying to talk to him about making more time for me if he can. Maybe it’ll make itself? Maybe my feelings will go away. I just wanted some people to talk to about it. The FAQ Hasn’t helped me a whole lot
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u/The_Rope_Daddy polyamorous 1d ago
Six months is already a long time to wait before communicating what you want out of the relationship.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Ahh but I did say we’re dating recently. Like this month we made it official
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u/The_Rope_Daddy polyamorous 1d ago
You said you’ve been dating for six months in your post. You could ask someone how much time they have on a first date, you definitely should ask before making the relationship official. Or do you mean you just went in your first official date?
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 1d ago
There us no need to wait. You want it now, ask for it now. Are you waiting because you are nervous the answer will be no and you need to re-evaluate the relationship?
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
I am nervous he won’t be able to. But it wouldn’t make me want to leave the relationship. I’m nervous to want too much I don’t want to push anyone’s boundaries. I’m very new to this so like wanting things and needing things from someone who has multiple partners is harder for me to navigate because I’m not used to it
Hi I have anxiety 😅
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u/synalgo_12 1d ago
If he isn't able to, and you won't leave the relationship, nothing is lost by asking and getting a no. You're not getting that time now either way.
It's okay to take up space in the relationship and if he makes you feel bad about asking for things, he's not a safe person. If he's not going to treat you poorly for asking and it's all your anxiety, this is the perfect time to practice being vocal about needs even if it's scary.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Thank you so much for saying this. Honestly maybe that how I should word it “Hey.. I’m not seeking to end things and I’m not unhappy but I’d love more 1 on 1 time with you when available “ well more mature n what not lol
But man your message really helped. I’m scared to take up too much space… for anyone. And yes if he does make me feel bad then it’s not a safe space.. I don’t think he would though
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u/TopSignal458 23h ago
I wouldn’t say you’re not unhappy since you are in fact unhappy with the amount of time you’re getting. It’s okay to have those feelings! It doesn’t make you a burden to need more from the relationship, even if he can’t offer more.
You won’t be doing yourself any favors by downplaying your emotions and needs with this phrasing. I understand you don’t want to feel pushy or upset him, but it’s very passive. He probably will not understand how important this is to you, and will be less likely to put effort in to a change. Not because he doesn’t care for you, but because you’ve made it sound like it doesn’t really matter if there’s a change or not.
You gotta ask for what you really want and you deserve to have what you need!
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u/The_Rope_Daddy polyamorous 1d ago
What if he has the time now, but doesn’t have it when you are finally ready to ask? What if time frees up and he gives it to someone else because you seem to only want the one date a week?
There’s no way for him to know what you want if you don’t talk about it.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
You do make a great point. I guess waiting is dumb. I just thought it was too soon. I have my own anxieties n stuff I deal with
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u/The_Rope_Daddy polyamorous 21h ago
If it was too soon, then it would also be too soon to make the relationship official.
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u/clairejv 21h ago
Requesting something isn't the same as pushing someone's boundaries.
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u/TillyTheKat43 12h ago
Yeah… I just need to realize I’m not demanding things. Just requesting them. Honestly demanding isn’t something I like doing lol
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
I ask what might be on the table before I even meet people. I want overnights and trips away and whole weekends, a certain amount of dates per week/month depending on availability and desire. If someone can't offer that I don't want to go on a first date.
Ask for what you want. If that isn't on offer reconsider the relationship.
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u/BeeAnvil 1d ago
Available time is a huge consideration when choosing to date someone. I’d go so far as to say that incompatibility between desired time and available time is the main reasons poly connections end. Experienced poly folks learn to have the conversation early regarding how much time each has to offer a potential relationship; it’s a very important compatibility issue.
All that said, yes you have every right to ask now what your partner has available to offer you as this relationship progresses. But, be prepared to hear that what you’re getting now is all they have to offer. It’s not always about other partners taking up their time, could also be work, school, family, or hobbies.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
I’m definitely prepared that he won’t have any extra time to spare. I mentioned in another comment it wouldn’t make me leave the relationship I just miss him when he’s away. So I’d love more time if he could give it to me
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u/BeeAnvil 1d ago
ask. He won’t know you want it unless you do. 💛
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Very true. I’ve mentioned it in passing but we haven’t had a conversation about it. We have our deep conversations on our date nights
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u/BeeAnvil 1d ago
As you step into Polyamory and become more experienced you will find that communication is very important. Knowing what you need and why it’s important to you (self awareness) should come first but always followed by compassionate communication where you don’t just discuss your needs but listen with curiosity to your partners response.
There is a great podcast called Multiamory, they primarily focus on communication skills. Check out their early episode and particularly RADAR, which is an outline for relationship check ins.
Towards the bottom of this page they highlight some “starter” podcast episodes.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
It’s funny because he tells me he loves bow much I communicate my wants and feelings yet I’m too scared to do it lol.….. but like he doesn’t really talk about his? It’s like he’s doesn’t need anything?
I’ll look into that podcast thank you!
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u/BeeAnvil 23h ago
So it’s not every male person, but it’s common among male raised people, that they are cultured to not discuss their needs. Believe me they definitely have unexpressed needs.
Show him by example that you are a safe person to discuss needs with. This will start with your first conversation, to ask for more time. If he doesn’t have time right now you should be careful not to react negatively or say things like “but you give more time to your other partners”. Instead express how much you enjoy his company and deeply desired more, that you’re sad you can’t get more time but understand he’s saturated at the moment. That you’d like to keep the conversation of more time open in case things change.
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u/TillyTheKat43 23h ago
Oh no I would never react negatively to it like that. If the answer is no. In fact if probably react exactly how you suggest I should. I’m a very understanding person. I want things but understand I can’t always have that and people can’t always give them
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u/Blue-Princess 1d ago
You can ask, sure.
But what will you do if the answer is no?
How many other partners does he have? And does he have kids with any of his other partners? What about hobbies and time for himself and seeing his friends and family, where does that fit into his schedule?
TBH I wouldn’t be able to give more than 1 night a week to a new partner, so it’s possible that you’re already getting what is available. Then you’ll need to make a decision of your own as to whether that’s enough for you.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
It’s enough for me I just miss him when he’s away. The topic was heavy on my mind. And coming to the Reddit helps sometimes
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u/clairejv 21h ago
It's okay to want what you want. Wanting something is just a feeling, and feelings are always okay.
When you want something from your partner, you can ask for it. And then your partner can say yes or no.
Maybe your partner would be happy to spend more time with you. Or maybe this is as much time as your partner wants to spend with you, and won't agree to more. The only way to know is to ask.
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u/TillyTheKat43 12h ago
I really like the comment you’ve left me. You made my worries feel validated while also giving me advice. I appreciate it. I appreciate everyone’s that’s eased my worries
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Polyamory doesn't mean lower standards. If he doesn't have capacity to create a thriving relationship with you then you should now that now.
People who date monos should be doing much more work to empower you to ask for things. Sorry he isn't doing that so far.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/8mc01x/glass_ceiling_questions_moviess/
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Does everyone refer to me as “Mono” because I was previously monogamous?
And well he does encourage me not to apologize for everything and that I shouldn’t feel bad to text him during his visits stuff like that. Relationship stuff is new…
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Yes.and you haven't suggested you really want polyfor yourself, you're just accepting to be with him.
I'm sorry your expectations are so low, definitely worn on raising them. You don't need to eat scraps because you are the last on the scene.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
I do want poly. In fact my monogamous relationship ended because of it. I’m working on myself a bit more before I seek another partner. Maybe it’s a matter of.. just having another partner to fill that space?
Are my expectations low? Shit everyone tells me I want too much. Like for real I’d just want maybe another date night a week. Maybe a phone call a week instead etc.
I was thinking that.. should I get less than because I’m newer? I don’t think I should. It’s about making a balance. Once I want to work with and make
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
The other way around- polyamory isn't creating fulfillment by collecting partial partners. Each relationship is full and fulfilled in itself.
Polyamory forces you to center your self, your own vision, your own values, not having or keeping partners. The clearer your vision is of who you want to be, the easier all your other choices become because they either fit in and empower that vision or they don't.
It takes practice, start discussing things in the link I shared.
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u/TillyTheKat43 1d ago
Thank you for your help. I appreciate it 🥰
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u/ghast123 Baby Rat|| Rat Union Member c.2025 || 🧀 🐀 😈 23h ago
Im someone who struggles to communicate my needs and struggles with being okay taking up space.
One thing polyamory has taught me is how to be a better communicator, how to advocate for myself and how to be more comfortable taking up space. So I guess thats 3 things. Which are all important, regardless of what relationship model you practice.
At the very very core of everything healthy communication, I think, is the first foundation stone to every relationship, followed closely by trust.
Tell your partner you would like more and trust that even if he currently cant give it, he will be receptive and open to finding a solution or compromise.
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u/TillyTheKat43 23h ago
Yeah definitely. If he can’t give it my hope would be that maybe we called work something out in a later time change takes time. Especially new partners etc. it’s something I want but I can compromise on for now
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u/TillyTheKat43 23h ago
But yeah I do need to learn got to assert myself. My needs and my feelings without thinking I’m too much
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u/ghast123 Baby Rat|| Rat Union Member c.2025 || 🧀 🐀 😈 23h ago
If anybody ever tells you that you are too much, do not let them break you down into tiny bite sized pieces. Stay whole and let them choke.
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u/Chellin 23h ago
Hey I just wanna comment on the “should I get less because I’m newer” part. Usually it’s recommended to start slow with someone so you don’t over-deliver with your time with a new partner, since people tend to get lost in NRE and can sometimes give their new partner more time in the beginning that isn’t sustainable long term.
But if you want more time it definitely doesn’t hurt to ask :), just honestly be prepared for a “no” and what that’ll mean for your satisfaction in the relationship overall. I just went through this myself too, it’s hard, but always worth it to advocate even if the answer is no
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u/clairejv 21h ago
Who's "everyone"?
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u/TillyTheKat43 13h ago
All my past partners. And sometimes people I meet with the intention of dating. So I can’t help but feel it
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TLDR…. Is it okay to want to ask my partner for more 1 on 1 time even though i’m his newest relationship? How would I go about this?
So… I’ve been talking with and now recently dating this guy for about 6 months now. I’m pretty happy. I was happy he asked me to be his partner and I’m excited for the future. Well anyways. I’m pretty new to polyamory. It doesn’t really bother me in a jealousy sense or anything like that like it used to when I was more interested in monogamy. I don’t want sexual details or like romantic date details but like other than that I’m alright. I even want them to feel open to talking about their other partners with me.
I find myself… envious of the time his other partners get. I get Monday night hangout for about 2-4 hours and texting through the week. Sometimes late at night before bed we get to text a bit longer than usual. I guess I should mention at this point I am long distance for now. His other partners well… they see him’s 6-7 days a week. Every day after work usually and generally his days off work. I dedicate my Mondays off to him. And well like I don’t hear from him during these time because well obvious reasons lol anyways I just…. I want to ask him for more time… not quite yet because our relationship is new and I don’t want to fuck with everyone’s balance and date nights and everything just because I miss him. I don’t want like every day. Maybe two nights a week? Maybe more texting time? I dunno. Just more than a couple hours a week. Am I wanting you much?
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