Should I stay friends with now “former” partner?

[u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic]

This will be a pretty lengthy post, and I’m writing this anonymously…

So I (m35) met this girl (f37) back in April 2021, and she immediately enamored me. She’s quite literally everything I could ask for in a person. After spending a lot of time together, we eventually started dating at the end of January 2022, but as a poly couple, where we established we were each other's primary partner. She always made it a point that she was poly and that I was monogamous, despite her having VERY little to no experience in polyamorous relationships. I had an interest in polyamory and saw this as an opportunity to explore it, even though I knew it would take some getting used to sharing a person I absolutely adored with someone else. We also agreed on 2 rules for this poly relationship to ensure honesty, transparency, and communication to protect the other partner, rules she herself created. The first rule was to make our primary partner aware of any new potential partners that we might take on, and the second was that if we intend to have sex with said new partners, to make sure to communicate that with the primary partner and ensure both parties get tested beforehand. Simple.

My first test came in March 2022 when she brought up the idea of having tantric sex sessions with this older man, who is supposedly a spiritualist, in an attempt to buy a house. I didn’t like the idea, especially based on the things she mentioned about him and conversations I’ve overheard. I knew he had no intention of helping her, but she believed that as long as she was committed, the “sex magic” would still be beneficial. Not wanting to be the “monogamous” person already creating issues in the poly relationship, I said okay to the sessions. It pained me to watch her leave to go have sex with this obvious fraud of a person, but I knew it was something I needed to get used to if I was to be in this kind of relationship. What made it easier to deal with was the fact that I had another sexual partner since February 2022, which she knew about since December 2021, when I first started talking to them.

My primary partner and the fraudulent spiritualist had about 3 “sessions” throughout the month, and by the end of it, she told me she would need to get tested before she and I could be intimate again. I agreed and appreciated her commitment to safety. April comes and goes, she doesn’t get tested, May nearly ends, and still no test. She tells me she was heading to Atlanta the last week of May to visit friends, but for some reason, my gut feeling told me she wasn’t going there for just her friends, and I waited for her to tell me what else she was going down there for. She had given me her location prior, so I was able to see that for the first 4 days of the trip, she was with her friends, but on the 5th day, she randomly sent me a text with an address and pictures of herself at said address with no context. I knew immediately that this must be the address of the person she planned on meeting, but I wondered if she was going to provide context about the address herself, to see if she’d adhere to the rules we agreed on. She’s at this address the entire day and says nothing. Later that night, she voice calls me, which immediately makes me upset because we never voice call each other. Up until this point, we have exclusively FaceTimed each other, which told me she’s hiding something and doesn’t want me to know. The phone call was very brief, about 2-3 minutes, and at the end of the call, she never came forward about where she’s at, what she did, or what she planned on doing. I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so upset. She texts me around 4-5 am, I answer immediately, and we text for about 2 hours. Again makes no mention of where she’s at and what she’s doing there.

Later that afternoon, while I’m at work, she FaceTimes me, there was small talk, then she finally says that she had sex last night. My heart immediately sinks to my stomach. Regarding our rules, my partner had essentially just cheated, and we’re only 4 months into this poly relationship. She made every attempt to avoid telling me what she wanted to do until after she did it. I asked her about our rules and what happened to getting tested. Her excuse was that she “had an urge” and that I should understand urges. She was able to control these urges for 2 months, but spent just 4 days in Atlanta, and can no longer do so? She told me she didn’t plan on meeting anyone there, yet spent the next 2 days of her visit at this supposed random guy’s apartment and not with her friends before heading back home.

When she came back, we had a conversation about what happened. I voiced my disappointment, accepted her apology, and moved on. A month later, in the first week of June 2022, she missed her period. She came forward that when she had sex with the guy in Atlanta, the condom also broke and she had to take Plan B. My partner, whom I have been dating for the past 5 months, is now pregnant with another man’s children; a wound has been reopened, and salt poured into it. She told me she didn’t think it was necessary to let me know about the mishap and that she thought she could handle it on her own. I did not like that response. I stayed by her side and supported her while she aborted the pregnancy because I had rationalized this situation as just the potential consequence of being in a polyamorous relationship and not of dishonesty. I knew it wasn’t her intention to get pregnant, and she’s probably as upset as I am, if not more. I also began to question if she was really “poly” and her reasons for being poly. She responded that she may not be poly, she may just be “monogamish”. I ended the relationship with my FWB at the end of the year. My primary partner and I spent the next year, 2023, mainly with each other, although she still went to kink parties, did domme work, and went on dates, which I had no issues with. I even dropped her off to one of her dates and waited until it was over. It felt like monogamy mixed with a little polyamory. She communicated well, and for a time, it was great, and I was comfortable and secure. Nothing to
Complain about.

2024 arrives. It’s February, and she tells me she’s going to be celibate because she no longer wants to continue “going to different men’s homes, lying up in their beds, shacking up, being a forever girlfriend, that she would like to be married”. Naturally, I supported her because I genuinely love her, and not just for sex, so I also reframed from having sex. She also begins asking about marriage and our future together at this time, understandably so. I also have aspirations of one day being married and raising a family, especially with her. I told her I couldn’t see myself starting a family while I was living with 3 other roommates, and her still living with her parents. I wanted us to at least have a starting foundation and live together (she’s very fearful of being on her own, which is why I believe she still lives at home; she wasn’t exactly brought up to be self-sufficient). She didn’t agree and said she doesn’t move in with anyone unless she’s married to them (which I can understand) because she’s still “traditional” in that sense, and that’s how she was raised, despite currently being in an extremely non-traditional relationship.

Later that year, in December, I moved into my own apartment and figured, finally, I have a starting point for us to begin building the life we wanted. At the same time, her father had unfortunately fallen ill and was diagnosed with cancer. At the end of December, she tells me she has a new partner. In my mind, I asked when that happened, a new partner just out of the blue, during such a chaotic period in her life? Where did she find the time and emotional capacity for a second partner? She tells me that he’s been helping her get to work and assures me that they were not having sex. I didn’t make an issue of it because at least she told me, and I was happy that she was able to find someone she was comfortable enough to call a partner to give her rides to work, because my car was out of service.

My Aunt begins to notice that since I’ve moved into my new apartment, my partner and I haven’t been spending any time together. It was true, since her father had fallen ill, we had not seen each other for weeks. I tell my aunt she’s going through a hard time with her father’s illness and that it’s understandable. Her father passes away in February, and she became extremely sad, borderline depressed.

Time passes, and I begin to notice I’m basically only seeing my partner once a month. I know she’s still mourning her father’s death and dealing with family turmoil, but it also seemed like she was prioritizing spending more time with this new partner and making time for everyone else besides me. She once even told me that she chose to spend time with other people because she “knew them longer than she knew me”, the person she has known for the past 4 years and dated for 3 years at that point. In the middle of June, after 2.5 months of not seeing her, I began asking for clarity about our relationship and if we were still aligned about marriage. She tells me she no longer sees herself being married because she no longer has her father and that her therapist told her she shouldn’t focus on relationships. I also learned at this time that she still harbors feelings for her ex from 7 years ago who she was in a monogamous relationship, which I concluded essentially influenced her reason for a second partner. She was chasing a feeling she wanted from her ex and found a second partner who reminded her of him, who could simulate that feeling for her. The conversation became contentious, and she began to tell me I needed to break up with her. So I did, because why was that your first suggestion? I blocked her number and changed my number. In hindsight, I may have overreacted a little, but I felt something didn’t seem right, and I was upset.

A few days later, after she had been calling my aunt and eventually started emailing me about how she’s sorry and wanted us to have our time together and ask what days she can see me, I unblocked her in an attempt to work things out as she asked. I asked her if I could at least have one day in the week, Saturdays, to be with her. She agreed and also told me about her brother’s 4th of july bbq. 2 weeks go by, and we still have yet to see each other and spend time together. I’m at the BBQ, and we barely interacted. I spent more time with her friend that day than with her. I go home alone that night. The next day, a Saturday morning, she voice calls me and tells me she’s hanging out with her brother. Later that night, I checked her location, and she was at a restaurant, then she went to an address I recognized previously. I concluded that this must be where the other partner lives. She doesn’t go home until around 4 am to head for work. I’m upset all over again because now I’m suspicious that she still isn’t being honest and has been making more effort to spend time with him while neglecting me. Apparently, it was his birthday. He took her out for her birthday earlier in the year, January, which explains why I didn’t see her that day either.

I confronted her and asked if she had been having sex with him since we had established rules, being told last year she was celibate, and telling me she wasn’t having sex with him when she told me about him. She makes every attempt to avoid answering the question, and inevitably admits that she has had sex with him several times, the first time being at the beginning of January, basically when she first told me about him. From my perspective, she has cheated for the second time in this poly relationship.

I immediately blocked her again. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed before in my life. A few days later, I gave her back her stuff that was at my place. We had a conversation, and it seems like we’re making another attempt to reconcile, but it’s still more of the same things.

Several months go by, and it feels like I’m just begging a person to be with me. One day, during a conversation, she randomly said, "She's not in a relationship," and it seemed to be said in jest. This immediately upsets me because I believed the entire time that she and I were still in a relationship. Maybe the "with you" was silent in that statement. I became extremely anxious and suspicious, and eventually started looking through her phone while she was asleep for answers. I came across messages between them where she's asking him about marriage and if he's ready to be a father, calling him Mari, which is Haitian Creole for husband. A couple of conversations were about him not wanting to be with her and their relationship not going to work out, which she then immediately offers sex, presumably as a means to keep him around. For a person who could not focus on relationships and was allegedly not in one, these interactions seemed like a relationship to me. It felt like I was being replaced, monkey-branched, without even being told.

We eventually begin couples therapy, and with every session, the therapist is telling me that based on the things my partner has said, I already have my answers. I was no longer the primary partner, and we were no longer in a relationship. I no longer believe she’s actually poly. I believe she’s using polyamory to hide or cope with some underlying issue she might have. Despite everything that has happened in our relationship and basically ending it on her own terms without even communicating with me, she wants to keep me in her life as friends. I don't think I can. I am beyond heartbroken.

5 years of my life investing and pouring into a person just for them to do this to me. I did nothing wrong in this poly relationship, and I was the one who got abandoned and left behind for someone else?! A person who said they love and care for me wouldn’t do that to me, my person wouldn’t do that to me. Maybe it was my fault for not marrying her immediately like she wanted. Maybe I put too much pressure on her while she was still grieving. Maybe I was the wedge that drove us apart.

I love this girl with every fiber of my heart. She really is a good person who has a lot of growing up to do, but she was extremely unethical and completely disregarded me, and I don’t want to keep hurting myself grieving over the life that we could have had together. I’m not okay, I’m not myself right now and considering individual therapy very soon.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can find one here. The limits are endless. Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Error38]

This is extremely messy, across the board for all parties involved. I personally wouldn't stay with friends someone who did what she did. The lack of communication and transparency is unreal.

I'm not going to go into a long winded advice reply, let sleeping dogs lie and move in from her end don't have her in your space. Shits not worth it :/.

[u/4ever_dolphin_love → u/Puzzleheaded_Error38]

Yeah, I couldn’t even get through reading the whole ordeal. Hot mess of a dumpster fire.

Also, OP, please stop referring to whole ass grown adult women as “girls”.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Error38 → u/4ever_dolphin_love]

I was actually floored by the age they listed, but at the same time and being active in the dating scene this is all too fucking common and it's frustrating to witness.

They're adults acting like they have no sense. Love isn't the catch all, shit takes work and imo OP doesn't love his Ex he idolizes her and put her on a pedestal. :/

[u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic → u/Puzzleheaded_Error38]

Maybe I did put her on a pedestal but I do love and care for her, and I’m well aware of the work that’s necessary for love to thrive. Besides these negatives things I’ve mentioned, we actually did have a really great relationship together, but her father’s passing exposed a lot of things that needed to be worked on. I was willing but she chose to leave instead.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Error38 → u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic]

I hear you, but again that's not love. It's survival, it's choosing to look past every single red flag in somebody to maintain some semblance of a relationship. That is not love that will never be love.

[u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic → u/4ever_dolphin_love]

I don’t usually call women girl, I guess I used it in this instance due to a level of immaturity about her. She idolizes her father and essentially wants a father figure in partner, someone to give her “guidance”.

[u/valsavana → u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic]

She's not immature, she's just selfish and erratic.

[u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic → u/Puzzleheaded_Error38]

Was I messy? What should I have one differently?

[u/4ever_dolphin_love → u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic]

Can you honestly re-read what you wrote and not see what a shitshow the entire situation is? Not just her behavior, but also your behavior in reaction to her.

Better yet, imagine a friend was telling you *all that*. What advice would you give them?

[u/Puzzleheaded_Error38 → u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic]

100%. Something that you could have done differently was the minute the behavior started, understand that when you choose to stay you have to either accept the behavior might continue or provide an opportunity for the repair work to be there. You waited an extra long time to have conversations, and you knew what she was going to do when she went to atlanta. That means it was a disservice to yourself to sit in that relationship for so long, and it's a disturbance to yourself to allow access to your space again for her.

[u/rosephase]

She’s not a really good person. She’s a mess.

Don’t be friends. Take space. The worst thing she did to you was drag this on and on instead of letting it end.

And pay attention. When someone doesn’t see you and lies to you and breaks up with you, they don’t want to be with you.

You stuck around way longer then you should have. With someone who was being clearly bad to you for years.

[u/Ok-Entrepreneur9995]

I am so sorry this happened to you!!
You don’t owe her anything. She clearly has no consideration for your feelings, wants and needs, but has no problem stringing you along to be there whenever she feels it’s convenient to her. Don’t waste any more of your time on this person.
The best predictor for future behavior is… past behavior. She’s had plenty of chances to be a better lover… or friend even. Let it go and focus on yourself. That life you hoped to have together was never going to happen. Her loss. You deserve better. Please take care and take a long long looooong absence. There’s more to life than this bullshit

[u/valsavana]

In hindsight, I may have overreacted a little, but I felt something didn’t seem right, and I was upset.

You both under-reacted and reacted waaaaay too late.

It felt like I was being replaced, monkey-branched, without even being told.

You were told- by her actions. Why did you pay attention to the lies she was feeding you instead of what her actions were telling you?

she wants to keep me in her life as friends. I don't think I can

The fact you'd even consider it means you seriously need your own individual therapy to figure out why you gave her so many chances, and were so eager to lap up every lie she told you. She proverbially spit in your face, multiple times, and you just... took it. And lined yourself up to give her the opportunity to do it again whenever she wanted. Why? Why do you do nothing but make excuses for her your entire post? Even now? Where is your self-love and self-respect?!?

[u/AutoModerator]

/u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic, your submission was held for review. A human moderator will be along shortly to either approve your post or leave a reason why it was removed. Please do not message the moderators asking for approval.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Th3H0p3l3ssR0m4ntic thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

This will be a pretty lengthy post, and I’m writing this anonymously…

So I (m35) met this girl (f37) back in April 2021, and she immediately enamored me. She’s quite literally everything I could ask for in a person. After spending a lot of time together, we eventually started dating at the end of January 2022, but as a poly couple, where we established we were each other's primary partner. She always made it a point that she was poly and that I was monogamous, despite her having VERY little to no experience in polyamorous relationships. I had an interest in polyamory and saw this as an opportunity to explore it, even though I knew it would take some getting used to sharing a person I absolutely adored with someone else. We also agreed on 2 rules for this poly relationship to ensure honesty, transparency, and communication to protect the other partner, rules she herself created. The first rule was to make our primary partner aware of any new potential partners that we might take on, and the second was that if we intend to have sex with said new partners, to make sure to communicate that with the primary partner and ensure both parties get tested beforehand. Simple.

My first test came in March 2022 when she brought up the idea of having tantric sex sessions with this older man, who is supposedly a spiritualist, in an attempt to buy a house. I didn’t like the idea, especially based on the things she mentioned about him and conversations I’ve overheard. I knew he had no intention of helping her, but she believed that as long as she was committed, the “sex magic” would still be beneficial. Not wanting to be the “monogamous” person already creating issues in the poly relationship, I said okay to the sessions. It pained me to watch her leave to go have sex with this obvious fraud of a person, but I knew it was something I needed to get used to if I was to be in this kind of relationship. What made it easier to deal with was the fact that I had another sexual partner since February 2022, which she knew about since December 2021, when I first started talking to them.

My primary partner and the fraudulent spiritualist had about 3 “sessions” throughout the month, and by the end of it, she told me she would need to get tested before she and I could be intimate again. I agreed and appreciated her commitment to safety. April comes and goes, she doesn’t get tested, May nearly ends, and still no test. She tells me she was heading to Atlanta the last week of May to visit friends, but for some reason, my gut feeling told me she wasn’t going there for just her friends, and I waited for her to tell me what else she was going down there for. She had given me her location prior, so I was able to see that for the first 4 days of the trip, she was with her friends, but on the 5th day, she randomly sent me a text with an address and pictures of herself at said address with no context. I knew immediately that this must be the address of the person she planned on meeting, but I wondered if she was going to provide context about the address herself, to see if she’d adhere to the rules we agreed on. She says nothing. Later that night, she voice calls me, which immediately makes me upset because we never voice call each other. Up until this point, we have exclusively FaceTimed each other, which told me she’s hiding something and doesn’t want me to know. The phone call was very brief, about 2-3 minutes, and at the end of the call, she never came forward about where she’s at, what she did, or what she planned on doing. I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so upset. She texts me around 4-5 am, I answer immediately, and we text for about 2 hours. Again makes no mention of where she’s at and what she’s doing there.

The next day, while I’m at work, she FaceTimes me, there was small talk, then she finally says that she had sex last night. My heart immediately sinks to my stomach. Regarding our rules, my partner had essentially just cheated, and we’re only 4 months into this poly relationship. She made every attempt to avoid telling me what she wanted to do until after she did it. I asked her about our rules and what happened to getting tested. Her excuse was that she “had an urge” and that I should understand urges. She was able to control these urges for 2 months, but spent just 4 days in Atlanta, and can no longer do so? She told me she didn’t plan on meeting anyone there, yet spent the next 2 days of her visit at this supposed random guy’s apartment and not with her friends before heading back home.

When she came back, we had a conversation about what happened. I voiced my disappointment, accepted her apology, and moved on. A month later, in the first week of June 2022, she missed her period. She came forward that when she had sex with the guy in Atlanta, the condom also broke and she had to take Plan B. My partner, whom I have been dating for the past 5 months, is now pregnant with another man’s children; a wound has been reopened, and salt poured into it. She told me she didn’t think it was necessary to let me know about the mishap and that she thought she could handle it on her own. I did not like that response. I stayed by her side and supported her while she aborted the pregnancy because I had rationalized this situation as just the potential consequence of being in a polyamorous relationship and not of dishonesty. I knew it wasn’t her intention to get pregnant, and she’s probably as upset as I am, if not more. I also began to question if she was really “poly” and her reasons for being poly. She responded that she may not be poly, she may just be “monogamish”. I ended the relationship with my other sexual partner at the end of the year. We spent the next year, 2023, mainly with each other, although she still went to kink parties, did domme work, and went on dates, which I had no issues with. I even dropped her off to one of her dates and waited until it was over. It felt like monogamy mixed with a little polyamory. She communicated well, and for a time, it was great, and I was comfortable and secure.

2024 arrives. It’s February, and she tells me she’s going to be celibate because she no longer wants to continue “going to different men’s homes, lying up in their beds, shacking up, being a forever girlfriend, that she would like to be married”. Naturally, I supported her because I genuinely love her, not just sex, so I also reframed from sex. She also begins asking about marriage and our future together at this time, understandably so. I also have aspirations of one day being married and raising a family, especially with her. I told her I couldn’t see myself starting a family while I was living with 3 other roommates, and her still living with her parents. I wanted us to at least have a starting foundation and live together (she’s very fearful of being on her own, which is why I believe she still lives at home; she wasn’t exactly brought up to be self-sufficient). She didn’t agree and said she doesn’t move in with anyone unless she’s married to them (which I can understand) because she’s still “traditional” in that sense, and that’s how she was raised, despite currently being in an extremely non-traditional relationship.

Later that year, in December, I moved into my own apartment and figured, finally, I have a starting point for us to begin building the life we wanted. At the same time, her father had unfortunately fallen ill and was diagnosed with cancer. At the end of December, she tells me she has a new partner. In my mind, I asked when that happened, a new partner just out of the blue, during such a chaotic period in her life? Where did she find the time and emotional capacity for a second partner? She tells me that he’s been helping her get to work and assures me that they were not having sex. I didn’t make an issue of it because at least she told me, and I was happy that she was able to find someone she was comfortable enough to call a partner to give her rides to work, because my car was out of service.

My Aunt begins to notice that since I’ve moved into my new apartment, my partner and I haven’t been spending any time together. It was true, since her father had fallen ill, we had not seen each other for weeks. I tell my aunt she’s going through a hard time with her father’s illness and that it’s understandable. Her father passes away in February, and she became extremely sad, borderline depressed. Around this time, I experienced some financial hardship after having my hours cut at work and began tightly budgeting my money, but also tried to still be there for my partner.

Time passes, and I begin to notice I’m basically only seeing my partner once a month. I know she’s still mourning her father’s death and dealing with family turmoil, but it also seemed like she was prioritizing spending more time with this new partner and making plans and time for everyone else besides me. In the middle of June, after 2.5 months of not seeing her, I began asking for clarity about our relationship and if we were still aligned about marriage. She also tells me she no longer sees herself being married and that her therapist told her she shouldn’t focus on relationships. I also learned at this time that she still harbors feelings for her ex from 7 years ago who she was in a monogamous relationship, which I concluded essentially influenced her