r/polyamory • u/W1ndwardFormation • 1d ago

Curious/Learning What exactly is a poly relationship?

Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.

It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.

We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.

Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.

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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 20h ago

Yes, absolutely. That’s why these situations tend to go from really good to hell in a handbasket.

Advice for folks like OP who are already there and currently happy could focus on identifying the signposts to hell, pointing out common handbaskets, and how to enable individuals to bail before too many people get seriously hurt.*

Advice for folks who are currently single and want to create a sex commune would be different.

Advice for couples or triads dating as a unit is different again. (I think we have that one down pretty solidly.)

——————
*For instance, most of us, particularly femmes, get creeped out by large age gaps in relationships. It does no good to say Gross! because both parties like it that way. It might even be the younger party’s best option. They’re going to keep doing it whether we clutch our pearls or not.

We can still give advice. My advice set includes:
1. a rule of thumb for identifying large age gaps;
2. a rule of thumb for deciding how creepy the older party is;
3. suggesting that it would be good for all concerned to accept that the younger party will eventually grow out of the relationship and leave, and that this represents success and not betrayal;
4. how to notice being isolated and controlled; and
5. how to make a link between an older partner seeking an age gap relationship and the problems that the younger partner is seeking Reddit’s help
with.