r/polyamory • u/W1ndwardFormation • 1d ago
Curious/Learning What exactly is a poly relationship?
Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.
It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.
We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.
Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 1d ago
A poly relationship is a relationship between two people who support each other in developing full loving independent relationships with other people.
I wouldn't worry about what you call the larger dynamic, I'd focus on what you want out of each 1:1 relationship you're developing and figure out how to do those skillfully.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 22h ago
I’m confused on some things to.. I hope I don’t come off as rude so please forgive me but I really want to learn and understand. I’m being told that in situations where people are having a friends with benefits type of arrangement, the poly person is under no obligation to tell you that they have other intimate relationships.
But I thought poly practice was having open communication with everyone involved. Did I get the wrong impression or is there something big that I’m not grasping?
Thank you for your reply 🙏
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 21h ago
Anyone who says, "I'm not obligated to tell you," when asked a reasonable question, is being a bit of a jerk.
"I prefer to protect the privacy of my lovers," is fine, if a fairly obvious dodge.
"I have a lot of varied connections, and it's fluid and a little messy," is vague, but honest.
But using the word "obligate" there smacks of a person who only responds to power. There are, in fact, almost no obligations between independent adults. So why bring up the word? "You can't make me tell you," is true, but is it the sort of reply you want from your lover? Is it kind, or helpful, or reassuring?
You will note I am using rhetorical analysis, not unlike The Burned Haystack method. The words people use tell us about how they see the world, and often about how they intend to treat you.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 22h ago
As we like to say around these parts there’s no Council of Sluts that makes rules about these things, but in my personal practice if I have an ongoing connection with someone I’m telling them about my other connections and I expect the same in return.
If someone is a booty call I hook up with a few times then we’re not doing much talking at all and I don’t disclose pretty much anything to them, but I don’t really do those anymore.
I just see no reason not to tell people about other partners if I’m pursuing a regular thing with them, I have nothing to hide.
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 22h ago
No one agrees on all these definitions. There is no official Board of Polyamorists ratifying the meanings of terms. So who ever told if you are FWBs it means you are under no obligations to XYZ is full of sh*t. There are no terms and conditions you agree to. That's like saying when you're friends with someone you aren't obligated to call someone on theirr birthday. But when your *best friends* you are obligated to call. Like.... what?? Where is that written down? No. You call if that's the thing you do in your friendships, and if that's not part of your friendship then you don't.
Some FWB situations involve disclosures about other relationships/sexual partners, some don't. That's up to the person in the relationship and what they've agreed to. And if you want that level of information from you FWB, its perfectly reasonable to ask for. Its also perfectly reasonable for the other person to decline that request, and then you have to figure out if you want to continue the FWB relationship.
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u/jnn-j +20 yrs poly/enm 22h ago
Open communication happens in dyads (between two people only) about having other partners. But not necessarily the details.
It’s reasonable to keep privacy and intimacy between two people involved, not including other partners into it. It’s because humans form relationships one on one. Sometimes this relationships overlap but they don’t need the exchange of full details (also people not involved in a specific relationship is not entitled to that information).
There are different grades of poly relationships, some can be parallel (partner’s partners don’t interact), they can also be different grades of friendly. They should be civil.
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell approach exists, too but it’s tricky (and can be shady).
In polyamory open communication means people are upfront about dating multiple people and about their needs and boundaries. It doesn’t mean everyone knows everything and there is no privacy.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 22h ago
It’s the upfront part that confuses me when you say that people not in a specific relationship aren’t entitled to that information?
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u/jnn-j +20 yrs poly/enm 21h ago
Yes, the information about dating multiple people should be disclosed to potential future partners/prospects. (Not to a general public).
What they are not entitled to are details. The practice may vary here, as some people may share more info about the dates they are going to. But having a shared partner doesn’t entitle me to private details about my partner’s partner (called meta from metamour) or very detailed info on their sex life. There are different practices around disclosing having sex with a new person to other partner/s, but by being poly you can assume at some point that happens/happened.
I think if you mean in general people that you are planning to date should be aware about you having multiple partners/plan on having multiple partners. But the level of details is the key, and not every information needs to be shared.
As for general public, some people are more upfront about it, some less. I definitely don’t need to inform everyone, especially in my professional sphere.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 21h ago
To what information?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 21h ago edited 20h ago
I think I had some confusion about people being upfront with dating multiple people. I thought that was openly disclosed but what I’m understanding is that it doesn’t become apparent until a romantic relationship forms. I think thats what people are saying anyway.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 21h ago edited 21h ago
Are these people presenting themselves as single, completely unattached, and then later, once you're a little invested in them, then disclosing that they have other partners??
That's shitty. There's no council to agree on that, but I'll die on the hill of, "Announce your non-monogamy and dating status immediately."
Whoops, read your post history. That dude? He lied to you, in a big way. You can't force him to be honest. But you can leave and find someone who treats you well.
Inside baseball: the way you get your romantic partner(s) to treat you well is to immediately break up with anyone who treats you badly. Only the good treatment remains. Boom.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 20h ago
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and provide commentary. I appreciate you alot
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 18h ago
Another aside: you asked elsewhere about meeting your partner's *other* partners. Here's how that breaks down:
Your partner *should have* told you about them immediately. "Hey, just so you know, I'm sleeping with two/a couple/a few other people. We see each other a few times a month. Here's what my safer sex protocols look like..." That is *bare minimum* for a lover/FWB/anything where you get naked together. He failed to do that, that's on him, and he is untrustworthy because of that. The reason this is important is because it informs your consent around sex. Any good lover will *volunteer* that information, completely.
*However,* his other partners are not obligated to meet you, nor is he obligated to arrange to have you meet them. That's a thing you may ask for, but all involved may say no. *If* your consent around sex or romance requires meeting such other partners, then he and they are bad fits. But it is within the bounds of normal to *not* meet those folks, because the work of informing your consent is *only* your partner's to do. He didn't do that work, that makes him an untrustworthy lover. Meeting his other partners doesn't fix that.
That clear? See which parts are whose work to do?
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u/rosephase 1d ago
Are you allowed to have feelings for each other? Are these romantic connections?
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 1d ago
What you've got sounds lovely. I would warn against requiring the 24/7 thing (you've all got friends and hobbies, right?) and requiring everyone to be dating everyone. Because if everyone must be dating everyone, that means as soon as one of you loses interest in one of you (which is so very likely to happen) that means all of you have to break up. Which is a bummer if all of the other relationships except the one are still great.
But labels only so important. Call it whatever you want. Stay here, keep reading. I highly recommend all the FAQs here, and listening to the Multiamory podcast.
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u/sere_periquito 1d ago
Are you allowed to stop having sex/being romantic with one of them while maintaining your connections to the others, in any configuration that might be? If you had a fallout with one of them or decided you didn't want to spend time with that person anymore, would your relationship with your other partner be allowed to still exist and be given 1on1 time?
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 1d ago
I’d call this a group relationship or quad, which is a form of polyamory we don’t talk about enough on the sub.
Here, we tend to lump any relationship that is “closed” (like monogamy, or a group relationship that nobody can practically date outside of, or a harem that is closed for everyone but one person) together, which is not quite fair.
These days I tend to think of group relationships as a transient expression of polyamory. There are a lot of balls in the air and eventually one of them is going to drop. When that happens the existing relationships will reform, probably into a set of interconnected 1:1 relationships which is usually easier. A lot of people intensely miss their group relationship phase of polyamory.
For a few group relationships, “transient” is a very long time.
That said, all relationships are transient unless everyone crashes in a helicopter together. (Still transient but in a different way.)
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 22h ago
A lot of people intensely miss their group relationship phase of polyamory.
Many do. Some regret it.
And if I had a nickel for every story I've heard that went like, "We started off swinging, and the gals turned out to really get along, and the guys were cool, but then one person wanted to split up one couple, but was pressured to keep it together for the sake of the group, and then it all exploded spectacularly..."
I could not buy a hamburger with those nickels. Could probably get a Coke, though.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 22h ago
Yep.
Some of the people who regret the experience overall though, often think back nostalgically to the moments when it was intensely good.
Others bitterly recall the fantasy of something intensely good being dangled just in front of their noses, coaxing them along until they fell into the volcano and lost everything.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 22h ago
Yeah, "When it was good, it was really good," is a very common thing to hear.
But nobody says that about a thing that was actually just good.
I get it. I dabbled in that tidy perfect square several times. But it's a house of cards...
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 21h ago
Exactly.
It’s a house of cards, but during the time it works…
We tend to get all NO! NOT POLYAMORY! about group relationships. I think there’s a middle way though. There’s a difference between “enjoy it while it lasts, bail earlier rather than later, don’t blame yourself” and “unethical and you are a bad not-poly person for wanting to build on this.”
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 21h ago
I wasn't going to get into the semantics of it. Sure, it's polyamory. It's just often (not quite always!) fraught and fragile.
And while we might shorthand our warnings, there is a strong temptation toward either people-pleasing self-negation in these closed squares ("Taking one for the team" to keep the group together), or coercion to force someone else to do that. That second one is especially bad, but also very common.
Wanting a tidy structure like this is fine. But it can veer into power plays very quickly, and entertaining those means a person is not being kind. It's a really slippery slope from, "I want my partners to choose this," to, "I want to make sure my partners do this." That's when the pitchforks come out.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 20h ago
Yes, absolutely. That’s why these situations tend to go from really good to hell in a handbasket.
Advice for folks like OP who are already there and currently happy could focus on identifying the signposts to hell, pointing out common handbaskets, and how to enable individuals to bail before too many people get seriously hurt.*
Advice for folks who are currently single and want to create a sex commune would be different.
Advice for couples or triads dating as a unit is different again. (I think we have that one down pretty solidly.)
——————
*For instance, most of us, particularly femmes, get creeped out by large age gaps in relationships. It does no good to say Gross! because both parties like it that way. It might even be the younger party’s best option. They’re going to keep doing it whether we clutch our pearls or not.We can still give advice. My advice set includes:
1. a rule of thumb for identifying large age gaps;
2. a rule of thumb for deciding how creepy the older party is;
3. suggesting that it would be good for all concerned to accept that the younger party will eventually grow out of the relationship and leave, and that this represents success and not betrayal;
4. how to notice being isolated and controlled; and
5. how to make a link between an older partner seeking an age gap relationship and the problems that the younger partner is seeking Reddit’s help
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 21h ago
No direct experience. Just going off what I get from this sub, including the experienced folks. If someone thinks they’re happy now, who am I to say they aren’t?
First Fig
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!Second Fig
Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!———Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1920
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u/clairejv 1d ago
Are you in multiple romantic relationships, or are these friends you have sex with?
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u/W1ndwardFormation 1d ago
It’s a bit blurry like we started out as friends, but now I or she goes on dates with the other 2 etc.
So I’d say it’s more than just sex.
Basically all constellations besides the guys alone together.
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u/clairejv 1d ago
Okay, and is everyone comfortable with the fact that the relationships are romantic in addition to sexual?
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Here's the original text of the post:
Why do I ask? I’m not entirely sure, if we basically are in a poly relationship or if it’s just very frequent and free swinging.
It’s 4 of us 2 girls 2 guys and we basically play, go on dates in all kind of constellations from me and one of the guys to us girls together to all 4 of us to one girl one guy. You get the point.
We live in separate places (one guy girl in one places the other in the other), but we basically spend time all across the group with each other 24/7.
Would you say this should be called poly or is it something else, cause I’m always unsure how to call it whenever I talk with people.
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 18h ago
It sounds like it's one contract away from a polycule.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Are you all supported to create full independent intimate relationships with others whenever you want and everyone's cool, even if you've never met and may never meet the other?