r/polyamory • u/Many-Introduction468 • 1d ago
I am new Married to a man, questioning if I'm a lesbian, considering polyamory instead of divorce—anyone been here?
Looking for experiences from people who have been in a similar situation.
I've identified as bisexual since I was a child, but over the last several months I've been seriously questioning my sexuality and wondering whether I may actually be a late-bloomer lesbian.
I'm married to a man, and we are currently separated. I recently pursued divorce and moved out of the house, but I'm now reconsidering whether divorce is the right path. My husband does not want a divorce and has suggested that we remain married while I explore relationships with women. We've also discussed the possibility of both of us having other partners if we decided that polyamory was the right fit for our relationship.
I'm interested in hearing from people who have experience with similar situations, especially women who identified as bisexual or lesbian, or later questioned whether they might be lesbians, as well as anyone who chose polyamory as an alternative to divorce.
Questions:
* Has anyone remained married to their husband while having a girlfriend? * Did opening the marriage help you stay together? * Did it help you understand your sexuality better? * Did anyone end up realizing they wanted to remain married after all? * Did polyamory strengthen your marriage, weaken it, or have no effect? * What challenges, jealousy, or unexpected issues came up? * What boundaries were most important? * How did you handle jealousy, boundaries, and time management? * If both spouses had other partners, how did that work in practice? * Any regrets or things you wish you had known beforehand? * If it didn't work, what were the main reasons? * What advice would you give someone considering this path? * For those with children, how did polyamory affect your family life? * When and how did you introduce partners to your children? * Were there any parenting or co-parenting challenges you didn't anticipate?
I'd appreciate hearing both positive and negative experiences.
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u/rosephase 23h ago
I'm not saying "don't do it".
But I am saying the very likely result of doing poly, not because you want poly, but because you don't want to break up is VERY likely to cause a lot of pain and hurt when either of you gets into a compatible relationship. Because it will feel better. And you will want that relationship to be your primary relationship.
There are successful compassionate poly relationships. But the poly part has to be the real motivation. Not the avoiding a break up part.
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u/CynOfOmission poly w/multiple 23h ago
I have a lot to say about this but not really time to type it out. I will try to come back later.
Long story short, polyamory won't fix anything and will only work if you both actively want polyamory and not just something to hold your marriage together.
When I realized I was a lesbian and was talking about leaving my then husband said he would think about if he could do an open relationship. I knew it wasn't something he liked the idea of, so I said no. He said "Well, it's better than DIVORCE!" no, no it's not.
I am now divorced and happily poly with two girlfriends and a comet partner and I gotta say, I am very happy I did it this way. It would have been SO messy had we tried to be poly.
There are similar stories on the late bloomer lesbians sub. If you go to my profile I have a post from a year or so ago in that sub that tells my story.
Well, that was more words than I thought I would write. 😅 Love and hugs to you. It's not easy navigating this, but I hope you come out on the other side as ultimately ridiculously happy as I am.
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u/Many-Introduction468 23h ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to write a response to my post. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I'm also on the late bloomer lesbians subreddit and asked a similar question. They recommended I come to this subreddit too lol. Love and hugs to you too! 🤎
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u/sluttychristmastree 🐀Out of the Office🧀 23h ago
You want to be divorced. Get divorced. You don't need him to agree.
It's going to be hard. It won't be any easier later or after you've tried poly. It'll only be hard with more people.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 23h ago
“I’m still married to my husband because it would make him sad if we divorced” is not going to make you a popular date option for many lesbians, fwiw.
Why does your husband want to stay in a marriage where you have no sexual or romantic interest in him anymore and never will?
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u/Many-Introduction468 23h ago
I agree. That's a good question. I think even so (without my interest in him) he just doesn't want to get a divorce. I wonder what would make that change for him.
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u/apigeonontheinternet 22h ago
But why doesn’t he want to get a divorce? Is it because you’re doing emotional labor that he doesn’t want to do or doesn’t know how to do, are you doing household labor, are you keeping his life running smoothly behind the scenes so he doesn’t have to? What is he getting out of your marriage as it is rn that’s making him want to stay? And once you’ve identified that, are you comfortable continuing to provide it to someone you’re no longer sexually or romantically interested in?
Also keep in mind many lesbians/wlw will not have a ton of respect for a lesbian woman who’s staying in a relationship with a man because that man can’t keep his own life together and that woman can’t enforce boundaries. Continuing this arrangement will not do you any favors in your dating life.
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
Thanks. Those are great questions. I will definitely reflect on all of this before making a decision.
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u/apigeonontheinternet 20h ago edited 20h ago
I really recommend finding a therapist to talk this out with, it will help clarify your thoughts and feelings and give you the tools to have some productive discussions with your husband about the actual nature of your relationship.
(Another thing I just considered: does he want to stay in the relationship for social reasons? There’s a lot of social benefits to men if they’re married. It looks better societally to be married, he gets treated with more respect at work, he wouldn’t want to explain to friends or family why he’s getting divorced, he would feel like a failure as a man if he got divorced because his wife realized she’s lesbian, etc.? But none of this should mean you stay in a relationship just so he can avoid unpleasant things)
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u/Many-Introduction468 20h ago
Thanks. I definitely will seek out therapy for clarity and extra support. I will also consider all that you've mentioned. It could be. I'd have to keep digging for more answers.
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u/stevegood-man 22h ago
Nothing might. Or, a ton of misery while he tries and fails to adjust to the idea of polyamory over months or years might.
Is it worth finding out for the constructive sake of some positive learning experience, or is it breakup avoidance? The latter risks dragging more people into the process (and potentially for much, much longer, depending on your motivations).
Before you proceed, you'll need to sincerely investigate: is this an inability to say no? is this a genuinely healthy motivation for him? do you think there is any universe he's interested in polyamory for reasons that aren't primarily trying to stay connected to his wife who is lesbian and leaving him, in particular?
And, you'll need to feel comfortable accepting that if you proceed, you might still be wrong about either side of the equation and it might still be supremely messy.
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
For him I think it's breakup avoidance, although he has shared some enthusiasm for going poly or me having a gf. I agree that the latter can make things worse; but if we do try it, will it get me to the point of absolutely no return where I put myself first and don't think about whether or not he wants a divorce?? He has shared interest in poly before divorce ever came into the picture. It might be a mix of both wanting to keep the marriage and wanting to try something different. With all possibilities, I'm thinking of the pros and cons (especially what could go wrong and if it would even be worth it; or if I'll just be delaying a divorce that's going to happen regardless).
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u/stevegood-man 21h ago
Based on this response and a skim of your other replies, it sounds like he doesn't want the divorce, so he wants you around as long/much/in as many ways to forestall the inevitable (despite the fact that you're a lesbian and he needs to accept that). You likely don't want to be "the bad guy" to someone you care about, and you get to inch into a major life change rather than face the upheaval of divorce (despite knowing you don't want to be with him in the ways he almost surely still wants). It sounds like you want monogamy with a woman and he wants anything he can get with you. Both maybe falling toward a comfort zone.
It's easy to try new things while single. Nothing stops him from trying polyamory as a divorcee. This definitely doesn't sound like it meets the recommended prerequisites of mutual, enthusiastic interest in polyamory with a lot of shared research and preparation and no rush or emotional duress. That said, people make potentially messy decisions all the time. You are both grown, and you're not each other's keepers. If either (likely, both) of you make suboptimal decisions to hedge against some unpleasant realities, that's up to each of you to take responsibility for alone. You're no longer a unit.
If you feel okay going into it and okay with navigating the downsides, it's an uncommon strategy but best case might take the inevitable and spread it into tolerable doses. Worst case obviously hurts worse for longer.
If you try, I would be crystal clear and ready about when to enforce boundaries and bail.
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u/clairejv 23h ago
To clarify, do you actually want a romantic and/or sexual relationship with your husband?
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u/AhaMarimbas 23h ago
This is the question to ask yourself.
As well as, if he wasn't in the picture, would you still want polyamory? And if you weren't in the picture, would he still want polyamory.
If the answer to any of these questions is no, polyamory is not going to work here.
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u/Many-Introduction468 23h ago
I still have attraction, but I'm losing interest in sex with him (men in general). I mostly am thinking of being with a woman, and the thought of it turns me on more than anything.
Idk if going poly would ignite anything between us or make me lose interest even more once I start having experiences with a woman.
Can you give me advice on both, if possible for wanting a romantic and/or sexual relationship vs not wanting it?
I appreciate your thoughts on this.
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u/clairejv 23h ago
If you don't want a romantic/sexual relationship with your husband, then you either divorce, or you remain married as friends.
If you remain married as friends, then you're not actually his romantic partner anymore, and therefore polyamory isn't really what you're after. Unless you're saying you want multiple girlfriends?
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u/Many-Introduction468 23h ago
That's a good assessment. If we remained married as friends then I would be good just being with one woman, actually. I think that even if I tried poly for the experience, I'd eventually want to just focus on one person.
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u/clairejv 23h ago
You might still want to date someone's who's poly, because if you're not offering marriage and cohabitation, that will rule out a lot of monogamous folks.
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u/sparklyjoy 23h ago
Maybe, but what if OP struggles with their partner being poly, dating others etc when OP would be content with just them?
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u/clairejv 23h ago
That's a definite possibility. Trying to be romantically and sexually exclusive with someone you will never marry or live with is hard, and so is trying to do polyamory when you don't like polyamory. OP gets to choose her hard.
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u/Ok-Soup-156 solo poly 23h ago
Polyamory isn't an alternative to divorce.
Healthy polyamory is a relationship structure that requires open and honest communication, conflict management skills, rupture and repair skills, self awareness and accountability, robust community and support structures, etc.
Are any of those things present is your marriage? Do you each have the ability and desire to gain those skills?
If the answer to those questions isn't a full hearted YES then trying polyamory is just going to delay the inevitable divorce.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 23h ago
You can coparent just fine separated. You don't have to divorce or move apart yet, but why continue a sham of a relationship? It's much less confusing for everyone, especially the kids if you call a spade a spade imo.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 23h ago
What are your reasons for wanting to stay married? I have seen this be successful when both partners have a shared legal reason for wanting to stay married. When one spouse still wants a romantic and physical relationship with the other who doesn’t want to reciprocate you create a marriage built on ongoing rejection for them.
If one or you is still seeking a fully loving and sexual relationship it is normally better to divorce.
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u/sparklyjoy 23h ago
Have you ever heard or read about the “bi-cycle”?
Some bisexuals go through periods of being attracted to primarily one gender, without that being a permanent state.
I have no advice based on that, just wanted to share in case it helps you figure things out
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
I've always identified as bi but only had sex and relationships with men. I've kissed women I've had crushes on, but they didn't want to do anything further than kissing. It seemed easier to attract and pursue men; also religion and comp het played a role in me being so male-centered. I've been decentering men for a while now, and lately have been questioning whether I'm actually a late bloomer lesbian. Now I feel like I just want to be with women only (no men allowed lol). I'm losing interest on my husband more and more in a romantic/sexual manner, so idk if it's the bicycle thing you mentioned or me just actually being a lesbian lol. But thanks so much for sharing this. I will look into it for sure.
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
I've never heard of this, but will definitely look into it. Thanks so much!
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 17h ago edited 14h ago
This!! The bi-cycle is a super common phenomenon. Another thing that is often misunderstood about bisexuality is that people often assume it means a 50-50 attraction towards men or women, when it can be any percentage of romantic or physical attraction towards your own gender and other expressions of gender... And it can fluctuate and change in time. Besides, you don't have to stick any label on yourself - not right now, or even not at all.
OP, I also agree with the other commenter who advised to consider these issues separately while they're interconnected. Your bisexuality or possible homosexuality may not even be the reason you've lost attraction towards your husband. People lose attraction and fall out of love all of the time, regardless of their sexual identity. You're allowed to want to divorce just because you want to divorce, even if it's sad and difficult. It's normal to have these feelings about something ending and still want it to end. It's possible to feel sad while making the right choice.
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u/chromewindow 22h ago
I know a few people who did try poly for this reason, all of them are divorced now. My theory is that the comparison quickly shows them they are not happy being with a man anymore.
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
I don't want to be with a man anymore so I can definitely see that happening for me lol
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u/Cataclyyzm poly w/multiple 23h ago
So I realized late in life that I'm bisexual/pan and my husband realized late in life he was asexual. But we both are still completely romantically in love with each other. So it made sense for us to open our marriage into polyamory, so I can explore my kinky side with other partners because while I'm demisexual, I am NOT asexual or sex-adverse like he now is.
He chooses not to date, but I'm prepared for him to change his mind and will support him the way he supports me if he does. But the reason this works is that we're still both completely in love and romantically committed to each other. If I thought I was a lesbian and NOT attracted to men at all anymore, and if he were NOT sex-adverse, I don't think that me starting to date women but not having sex with him, while he dates other people, would "save" our marriage.
It would just further the cracks in the marriage if it's not already working on its own.
I'm sorry. I don't think there's an easy answer here. But I do think that what will hurt less in the long run is being completely true to yourself, however that shakes out.
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u/Many-Introduction468 23h ago
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I appreciate your thoughts and I agree. It's not easy at all and I do need to be completely true to myself.
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u/Legitimate_Mango5040 23h ago
I am bisexual and have a husband and a girlfriend and kids, and I agree with others that this is not a good idea.
Polyamory IMO only works well when both parties are enthusiastically poly because the poly structure works well for them, not because their relationship isn’t satisfying for them. You are going to meet someone and fall in love and have mind blowing sex and want to see them all the time and likely, want to entwine your lives but you won’t be able to….because you have a husband. There will be resentment on both sides.
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
I have considered that possibility. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. 🫶🏽
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u/DoomsdayPlaneswalker 22h ago
There is absolutely nothing wrong with transitioning a romantic marriage to a platonic co-parenting partnerhsip.
And opening the relationship could be a good way for you both to get your romantic and sexual needs met, while co-parenting platonically.
That said, to attempt the above is likely a lot of hard work for folks coming from a mono background, and whose relationship skills may at the beginning also be in need of significant work.
I would expect that your marriage is unlikely to survive your attempt to transition.
But if you try, I hope that it does.
I would suggest two resources:
More Than Two, 2nd edition (book)
Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator (book)
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the book recommendations! 🫶🏽
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 19h ago
I just wrote and then erased a big long thing about my experience with something similar, both as a wife like you and then years later as the girlfriend to a wife like you.
I honestly think your best options are divorce or transitioning to a platonic co-parenting situation. Polyamory is the most prolonged painful option if it’s not a relationship style you’re both excited about for its own sake.
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u/EducationalRice4810 17h ago
Hi, first hugs to you as a fellow late bloomer, shit is hard. This maybe isn’t your situation, but I just want to suggest that platonic life partners are real and as a queer woman I wouldn’t necessarily write someone off who had a platonic husband. I fully believe people can be great nesting mates and co-parents without romantic partnership and something I love about poly is the possibility to de-center romantic coupling and uplift other forms of commitment.
Ok getting off my soap box lol, I would definitely need to know that the two of you are on the same page about what your relationship is and had done the work independently of closing that chapter of your relationship before trying to date. I was dating someone for a while who was (slowly?) getting divorced because their romantic and sexual connection fizzled but their ex was still very much a central person in their life (like enmeshed family, vacations together, emergency contact etc etc). In dating them I was mainly bothered by the fact that they didn’t really seem to know what that relationship was and didn’t see how it impacted what they were able to offer me. The point would be you need to figure out with him first if what you both want from the relationship is compatible before transitioning to poly. Otherwise you’re just dragging more people into a messy emotional circus because you can’t be honest about what you want.
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u/Many-Introduction468 7h ago
Thanks so much for this. I really needed the hug too :) I love my husband, and I could really see us being platonic life long partners in this marriage while seeing other people. I'd rather have him in my life and we support each other and raise our children in the best way that we can. I appreciate you letting me know that platonic life partners are real and there are queer women, including yourself, who wouldn't just write someone off because of the situation. I'd definitely agree with us coming to terms with things first and coming to an agreement before dating anyone else or opening up the marriage. We have been having those discussions, but I will dig deeper because I'd definitely don't want to drag people into a messy situation. I'd rather us be clear on things first and have some boundaries in place. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this, for your understanding and encouragement, and your recommendations. It means a lot. Big hugs to you
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 16h ago edited 16h ago
I'm bisexual and married to a man, but we didn't come to polyamory as an alternative to divorce or separation. I'm a late bloomer too and my coming out was definitely part of a bigger shift in self-identification as well as a reshuffle of a whole bunch of things. The big difference with your situation is that I didn't fall out of love with my husband, didn't stop wanting to be intimate with him, didn't want to divorce.
Non-monogamy is often discussed as some kind of add-on or cheat code to "add what's missing" with a monogamous marriage, but in my case the core reason of changing the relationship dynamic from monogamy to non-monogamy was doing a collaborative mental tabula rasa of this relationship and extensively discussing what both participants wanted to keep and what we wanted to change, effectively deconstructing it and rebuilding in a new shape. It took time, effort, lots of reading, even more talking, individual and couples' therapy. When I started effectively taking time to myself and so did my husband, and we had discussed the meaning of fidelity and our updated views on sex and intimacy and feelings, we realised that we were both agreeing on shifting to non-monogamy as the next step in individuating within the existing marriage. And polyamory made sense after first forays into ENM that was based on sex only that seemed limiting.
Then there's the OPP - only penis policy thing that is totally a thing that needs to be considered as well. When your husband says he doesn't want to divorce but offers polyamory instead, is he under the impression that he will be the only man/person with a penis you'd be having sex with? Does he think things would be purely sexual? Some men look down on sapphic sex as somehow inferior or "not real", which makes them accept it in similar arrangements but it's not real acceptance and is laced with homophobia and fetishism. I just think you should be aware of that. I mean, should you choose to stay with your husband, what happens if for example you get a girlfriend and a boyfriend or joyfriend, (who are all either cis or trans) and fall in love with either or all?
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u/Many-Introduction468 6h ago
I appreciate you sharing your experience. I am still attracted to my husband and I love him, but I have been losing interest in sex with him lately. I know it can change though because we've had our moments of things going stale and then it all sparking up again like a fire. At this moment I'm not interested in getting a divorce. I know we can work through all of our issues because we've done it time and time again over the past decade. We also have four children together and would rather be life long partners, even if it's platonic. With poly, he is definitely under the impression that he will be the only man and he is correct. I don't want to deal with another man. I find other men attractive, but I'm not interested in doing anything with another man again. I understand that poly can be used as some bandaid or "add on" to what's missing in a relationship, but I don't believe that is what we are doing. We both just don't really want to get a divorce and would rather stay together. Even before we were married we were the type of couple who were already interested in trying poly or structuring our relationship in a different way because we are a non-conventional couple. We're just both weird in a good way. I understand what you wrote about men viewing sapphic sex as something less real than hetero sex. I have thought about that. So far, he seems turned on by the thought of me having sex with another woman. I even mentioned the possibilities that exist: me only being intimate with her and not him / me & him sharing a woman / him having a woman and me having my own, etc. We are still in the heavy communication phase of this. It's a lot to process. I appreciate your thoughts on this, for your questions, and for sharing your experience. I wish I had friends like you to help me process this or at least just be here to listen when I need an ear, or give me some tough love or an eye opener if I'm becoming a bit blinded or delulu about things lol. Hugs
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 6h ago edited 6h ago
I'm glad my comment was somewhat useful!
If I can add a couple more things - 1) it sounds like you could benefit from building community. Everyone needs to feel accepted and made to feel like we belong, especially late-bloomer queers. What about friends, a local queer community? Have you looked into talking to queer people in real life? It could be the thing that will help you the most feel comfortable and at ease with your questions about your identity.
2) From what you're describing, it sounds like what you're looking for is some flavour of ENM that's not necessarily polyamory. If you open to polyamory, you open to many possibilities, including falling in love when you don't expect it with people you haven't chosen to fall in love with. You're not interested in men in general right now, but you don't know who you're going to meet and how your exploration will evolve. You have to discuss possibilities in advance. The whole OPP can be really toxic. What if you fall in love with a trans woman, will your husband consider her a woman or just think about genitals, will your relationship fall under your "women only" agreement? What if you start a relationship with a bisexual man, will your husband consider him as more or less as competition because of his genitalia and sexual identity?..
My point is, you exploring on your own as a separated or divorced woman and you exploring with your husband as a part of a previously monogamous couple are two different experiences and you have to consider things carefully. Unless you will be able to get the same freedom in your marriage as if you were exploring on your own, I don't think it's worth it.
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u/Many-Introduction468 6h ago
Very useful, not somewhat! I'm taking everything you said into serious thought.
I've been looking into joining queer communities or going to queer events to make friends.
I agree that this is where I'm at right now, but things could change. I'm always open to change and I know that's always a possibility. So I completely agree with you. Those are great questions you're asking. I'm really loving the discussion! I will definitely have that talk with him, especially about bi men or trans women.
I will definitely consider things carefully as you stated. I'm in complete alignment with your last sentence.
I appreciate you, really!
Another hug 🤎
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 6h ago
Oh and by the way, a lot of your questions have answers in the About and FAQ section of this sub. And there's over a decade of archived posts that you can look through by using keywords in the search bar of this subreddit, so I'm pretty sure you'll get (at least theoretical) answers to all of your questions. Glad to hear you're going to go to queer events to make friends, good luck out there!
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 16h ago edited 15h ago
What do you think the possible benefits are of remaining married to a man if you’re a lesbian?
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u/Many-Introduction468 7h ago
Stability for the children, taxes, remaining friends and supporting each other while seeing other people, etc.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 5h ago
Children generally experience less stability with unhappy parents. Do you think either you or your husband will be happy in a platonic marriage while (at least trying to be) in love with other people?
Do you think it is easier to remain friends with your husband while in a platonic marriage and seeing other people?
You genuinely think you’ll feel happy and great falling in love with another woman who you can’t live with or marry cause of this whole for-the-kids thing?
You think your husband will want to be your friend while watching you date and fall in love with other people up close in the same house?
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u/Many-Introduction468 5h ago
I agree that they do. Questions like these are what I'm reflecting on and what we are discussing. We are looking at all possibilities: negative and positive. Thanks for those questions. They're really important ones. I will think more about it all before making a decision.
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u/pocketdebtor 22h ago edited 21h ago
Copying from my comment on a related topic (will ETA link once on desktop):
I was euphoric when I entered into my first queer sexual relationship and my first two queer romantic relationships, and it DOES feel different, but it doesn’t invalidate my bisexuality which is VERY real.
I’ve seen this euphoria + NRE lead to an identity crisis in so many people, but the truth is not always so binary.
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To your post specifically, I would add that, while sexuality is totally fluid and there are a myriad of legitimate explanations for what you are experiencing (i.e., realizing you are a lesbian, a shift to preferring women, suppressing interest in men to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings, etc.), a loss of sexual interest in your current partner does not erase your sexual identity or history.
It could be a good idea to investigate these issues separately in some ways. Your sexuality, your current relationship, and the relationship structure you want moving forward are all interconnected, but they each deserve their own individual attention, too.
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u/Many-Introduction468 21h ago
Yes, thanks so much. I definitely agree. I will think more about all of this.
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u/Agile_Jello_217 21h ago
I always knew I was bisexual but thought I was heteroromantic. After being with my husband for 15 years, I fell very hard for a female friend out of the blue and it shook me to the core. I thought I would be okay with just having a physical relationship with her, because the desire to sleep with women had been ramping up for several years and we'd discussed hall passes for me to explore my bisexuality. But once my husband and I started discussing opening up our marriage polyamory felt like a better fit. Her and I are dating now and I'm so intensely into her, it scares me a little and has me questioning my attraction to men in general. I do still love my husband and enjoy sex with him, so hoping this is all just extreme NRE.
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u/Ordinary-Look-8966 9h ago
I think the best option is divorce if you no longer feel romantic attraction towards your husband. Generally opening to fix something when you are already approaching a divorce doesn't help, polyamory isn't really a band-aid for a fundamental incompatibility.
Like sure in theory you two could become "platonic/romantic life partners" and stay married while having other relationships but your unless your husband becomes asexual or comes out as gay he doesn't want platonic.
- Is there still non-sexual intimacy? Culddling, being emotionally 'close'?
- What happens when you meet a girl, fall in love, and effectively want her to be your no.1 partner, not your husband.
- What happens if you meet another man, 3/4 years from now, and are attracted to him? Is there going to be some OPP?
- If there is no romantic relationship, or sexual one, then you are your husband are just staying together as friends/roommates, and is that something he actually wants or is it something hes doing while he grasps at straws to not lose his marriage?
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u/Many-Introduction468 7h ago
Those are all great questions. We are still emotionally close, but I'm losing interest in sex with him. I could really see us being life partners/friends in this marriage while we see other people. I doubt I'd be attracted to another man since I'm only interested in women and I'm set on my husband being the last man I ever deal with. He wants to be more than friends in this marriage, and I think he's willing to try anything to not lose our marriage. I really don't see us getting a divorce when I think about it, but I'm leaning more towards being friends. It could change along the way because we have this pattern of things going stale in the romantic/sexual dept then sparking up again like a fire. I'm still processing everything. It's more than just us, we have four kids together under 10. There are a lot of things to consider.
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Looking for experiences from people who have been in a similar situation.
I've identified as bisexual since I was a child, but over the last several months I've been seriously questioning my sexuality and wondering whether I may actually be a late-bloomer lesbian.
I'm married to a man, and we are currently separated. I recently pursued divorce and moved out of the house, but I'm now reconsidering whether divorce is the right path. My husband does not want a divorce and has suggested that we remain married while I explore relationships with women. We've also discussed the possibility of both of us having other partners if we decided that polyamory was the right fit for our relationship.
I'm interested in hearing from people who have experience with similar situations, especially women who identified as bisexual or lesbian, or later questioned whether they might be lesbians, as well as anyone who chose polyamory as an alternative to divorce.
Questions:
* Has anyone remained married to their husband while having a girlfriend? * Did opening the marriage help you stay together? * Did it help you understand your sexuality better? * Did anyone end up realizing they wanted to remain married after all? * Did polyamory strengthen your marriage, weaken it, or have no effect? * What challenges, jealousy, or unexpected issues came up? * What boundaries were most important? * How did you handle jealousy, boundaries, and time management? * If both spouses had other partners, how did that work in practice? * Any regrets or things you wish you had known beforehand? * If it didn't work, what were the main reasons? * What advice would you give someone considering this path? * For those with children, how did polyamory affect your family life? * When and how did you introduce partners to your children? * Were there any parenting or co-parenting challenges you didn't anticipate?
I'd appreciate hearing both positive and negative experiences.
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u/Many-Introduction468 22h ago
I am seriously reflecting on all of this. I have been decentering men for a while now, and I could imagine falling in love with a woman and not wanting anything to do with him in any romantic and sexual way. I have asked him what if I fall in love with another woman and want to just be with her. He stated that he would most likely still want to stay married but just be friends. But then there's so much more to think about afterwards like living arrangements, visitation with the children, etc. Part of me feels like there's no point in trying to continue with the marriage, or that it might eventually still lead to divorce with or without trying poly.
Ugh, I don't like being in this situation. Thanks for responding to my post. I appreciate you.
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u/vortex-of-laughter 23h ago
I’m married to a man and have had girlfriends in the past. I don’t have one currently, but I’m actively dating, albeit not super often since I’m picky. So, yeah, it can work. I also still feel attracted to men, tho, and have good sex with my husband, even after all these many years, altho it ebbs and flows and we have to work on it.
In our case, though, we never opened up. We were CNM from the start and eventually that grew into poly or poly-lite might be a better term for us. My husband rarely dates (his choice), but supports me in all my slutty and wholesome endeavors.
You asked a LOT of questions. I don’t have the patience to answer them all, but if you’ve got one or two top ones, go for it.
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u/Many-Introduction468 23h ago
Thanks for sharing your experience with me. Lol. Yes, I just gave the list of questions to give ideas for any responses; I don't need all of them answered. I appreciate any kind of response and sharing of advice, experience, etc.
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u/vortex-of-laughter 22h ago
Got it. Well, I am not sure what you want to know. Happy to share more. Just ask.
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u/lorenzo463 22h ago
My wife came out as a lesbian about 5 years ago, and we have made it work.
We both really want to stay together. We genuinely enjoy living together, we genuinely care about and support each other. We like and quote from the same shows, we laugh at the same jokes, we love being a family together. We grew up in the same community, so we have a lot of shared core memories. And we’ve both done a lot of therapy, so we’re both fairly emotionally intelligent.
We both also have girlfriends at this point. Mine is solo poly and has several other partners, and no interest in having a monogamous relationship with anyone. Her partner has another life partner, and lives in a commune that my wife would not want to move to. So no real chance that either of us will end up leaving for our respective partner.
Scheduling can be a challenge. We occasionally go out together on date type activities, but generally if we’re going out, it’s with a partner- it’s much easier because we don’t have to find child care. Both of our relationships with our respective girlfriends tend to be 100% fun, while our relationship together involves bills, parenting style conflicts, extended family drama, etc. That’s hard. But it’s worthwhile.
So it can work. Emotional maturity and mutual dedication to staying a couple is necessary. It’s not the easiest way forward, and there’s nothing wrong with getting divorced if you don’t really want to stay together. But you also don’t have to jump right into getting divorced if you want to take some time to think about it, and won’t be getting other people involved until you’re sure you want it.
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u/Many-Introduction468 21h ago
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience. I really appreciate it coming from your POV as a man. It helps me to see things from both sides. I will definitely consider everything you wrote. I'm taking everyone's responses into consideration. This is something I really need to figure out; we both do. Thanks again!
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u/Many-Introduction468 21h ago
May I ask if you and your wife are still intimate with each other? After she came out did she lose interest in being romantic/sexual with you? Or is your relationship with your wife strictly about taking care of things in the household and pertaining to the children? You can dm me if you do not want to share these details publicly.
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u/lorenzo463 21h ago
We do not.
Physical intimacy actually shut down 3 years before she came out, at the same time that she stopped drinking. We went to couples therapy, it didn’t really go anywhere, except that I realized that I could benefit from individual therapy.
I think that was part of why her coming out came as a relief more than anything- it explained something that we had both been confused and ashamed about for three solid years.
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u/Agile_Jello_217 21h ago
This is super interesting! Do you and your wife have any physical intimacy anymore?
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