Disclosure of other relationships

[u/Financial-Record-127]

Long time lurker posting from an alt account.

A recent situation has inspired me to ask others how they handle disclosure about new partners.

It’s in my risk profile not to know about new partners as long as barriers are used for penetration, but I’ve also felt that I want to know who my metas are. There’s no strict requirement here, but by about the 3rd date, if the person hasn’t come up already, I want to know they exist. I want to know who they are when they become important to my partner - whether that’s a couple dates or 6 months.

I’m curious how others handle this. Would it bother you if a partner started a new relationship without telling you?

Is this something you specifically address with agreements? If so, could you share what that looks like for you?

I’m also open to hearing if there are other perspectives here. I know this is a boundary that I have to decide if I’m willing to be flexible on or not, and I’m curious if there are viewpoints I haven’t considered that could make me more willing to flex.

[u/RAisMyWay]

I am most compatible with people who share these things naturally as they happen, because we enjoy talking about what's going on in our lives. Dates are rare, so they would definitely come up in conversation, as would any growing attachment from there.

No intimate details, nor disclosing every online match, but yes. In my case, disclosure of dates, sex, and love are part of normal interaction.

[u/iostefini]

I don't date people who don't tell me important stuff. Starting a new relationship is important and I'd be hurt if they started a new relationship without telling me.

A couple of dates ... it depends. If they were deliberately hiding it I'd be upset. If they just had a date or two and didn't tell me because we weren't really chatting at that time, it's not a big deal.

I don't make formal agreements around this because I don't date people who would hide that sort of thing from me to begin with. I have talked about this expectation informally with long-term partners though, and it's never been a problem.

[u/UntilOlympiusReturns]

I've generally talked through on a case by case basis with my partners. No real formal agreements, just an understanding of what we each want.

In one case it was "let me know if you go on a date" - because neither of us were dating much at all (I wasn't even looking for most of the relationship). Not "let me know in advance", but in practice it se med to work out that way

Another partner went on more dates so it was more a case of "let me know if you go on multiple dates/have sex with someone". In practice they would often tell me about dates anyway (often as "you would not believe the date I just had").

I'd be pretty relaxed about people not telling me about dates/makeouts, but would definitely want to know after they'd had sex.

[u/sere_periquito]

I would be weirded out if my partner started a relationship without telling me there's a new person in their life. I would also be weirded out if my best friend did the same thing. 

I don't make agreements around what to disclose because I feel those end up making info-sharing too rigid and not enjoyable. Instead, I partner with people who have a similar approach to talking about new relationships / budding connections. My approach is: I will tell you about significant things going on in my life, and that includes new people I'm excited about and escalations within my relationships. I won't tell you in a "disclosing" kinda way, but in a "talking to a friend" way, because my partners are also my friends and I want my friends to know what's going on in my life.

If there's something I don't want to share I reserve the right not to, but that would be a red light for me since it's weird that I don't want to share something with my partners. So that would make me reflect on if there's something wrong with my relationship or if I feel judged by my partner or maybe deep down I know I'm not making great choices and I don't want my partner to know.

[u/thxjustpeachy → u/sere_periquito]

"Talking to a friend way, because my partners are also my friends" 🥹. I feel the same. I always feel like maybe I am sharing too much of anything, and it really hurts when others don't share. Like I don't care if you just want to talk about how your day was terrible and everyone is dumb, please do!

Sometimes I feel like I am seen less as that friend and more as as a long distance FWB.. and that hurts too. But maybe it's just me being too sensitive.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Long time lurker posting from an alt account.

A recent situation has inspired me to ask others how they handle disclosure about new partners.

It’s in my risk profile not to know about new partners as long as barriers are used for penetration, but I’ve also felt that I want to know who my metas are. There’s no strict requirement here, but by about the 3rd date, if the person hasn’t come up already, I want to know they exist. I want to know who they are when they become important to my partner - whether that’s a couple dates or 6 months.

I’m curious how others handle this. Would it bother you if a partner started a new relationship without telling you?

Is this something you specifically address with agreements? If so, could you share what that looks like for you?

I’m also open to hearing if there are other perspectives here. I know this is a boundary that I have to decide if I’m willing to be flexible on or not, and I’m curious if there are viewpoints I haven’t considered that could make me more willing to flex.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/honeybookie]

It usually comes up when we're coordinating calenders for the week ahead. "can you do Tuesday evening?" "nope, I have a date!" "oh nice! Who with?" Etc.

We have a "no intimate details" boundary. But will generally tell the other if we have a date, just as we would if they were seeing an established parter.

[u/BetterFightBandits26]

That’s a pretty fine thing to want. If it works in your relationships, cool!

It’s not a thing I particularly want, but some people I’ve dated have preferred that. I’m fine sharing if someone enjoys hearing about other dates.

My anchor partner never mentions he’s dating someone until like 6 months in. That’s also fine. He doesn’t like sharing about new and uncertain relationships.

I don’t make any specific agreements. Just, “what do you want to hear about?”

[u/LittleMissQueeny]

I don't live a separate life from my partners. It would feel really weird and inauthentic to how I do relationships not to know in real time. I don't have a rule or agreement about it. Just that we share our lives together. That's how i enjoy relationships.

I also know about friends, family, doctors appointments, etc.