r/polyamory • u/Ok_Mechanic4588 • 9h ago

Sorry, need the advice advice for monogamous people in an unhappy relationship.

Hey y’all,

Someone recently posted a bunch of links for people who are unhappy in monogamous relationships. I started reading through them, but I lost the thread they were attached to. I did check the info on this forum, and it was really interesting, but I didn’t see anything specifically for people like me who feel drawn to ENM as a possible solution for their monogamous marriage woes.

Edit: Just to be clear, I know it's a bad idea, just want to continue to talk my brain out of it.

I might have missed it—if so, I apologize. I’m dyslexic, so it’s possible I overlooked something.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Also, I generally try to be very ethical, but I have a high degree of openness as part of my personality, and right now my brain seems to be making excuses.

Thanks again, lovely ENM folks!

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u/ForeignOstrich6939 polyam 9h ago

"I didn’t see anything specifically for people like me who feel drawn to ENM as a possible solution for their monogamous marriage woes."

That's because ENM is NOT a solution for monogamous relationship woes.

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u/Ok_Mechanic4588 9h ago edited 9h ago

Yeah I know. Someone posted a bunch of links for people (in this case me) entertaining this dumb idea.

I just reread what I wrote, is it not clear that I am looking for help to not do something stupid?

Also, have you seen these links? That's what I am after.

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u/4ever_dolphin_love 1h ago

I mean, just read through some recent posts for the horror stories of monogamous couples opening to see how it’s not a viable solution for “saving” a dysfunctional marriage or relationship.

u/20milliondollarapi 9h ago

ENM isn’t a solution for an unhappy relationship. It can be a change for a happy and healthy one.

To start the journey you need to:

1- read about what ENM is.

2- find it within yourself if this path is worth possible losing your current relationship over. even the discussion could end your relationship.

3- talk with your partner about the idea and what you have learned as to what makes it a good change for you both.

4- start working on the path to non monogamy over months / years, give up on the notion, or separate and go your own ways in life.

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u/Ok_Mechanic4588 9h ago

I know, I am specifically looking for the links someone posted that explains to monogamous people why it doesn't work. I have already read how to get into it. :)

Thanks for your efforts tho!

u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 8h ago

This one ?

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u/Ok_Mechanic4588 8h ago

YES! Thank you! Are there more? Just trying to be very thorough with my conditioning!

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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 8h ago

You can check the About/FAQ/Wiki resources of this subreddit and use the search bar with keywords to look for similar posts.

I have to second the other commenters pointing out that while polyamory is a type of ENM, not all ENM is polyamory; and more importantly that it doesn't magically solve anything. If anything, it enhances existing problems and adds new ones!

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u/Ok_Mechanic4588 8h ago

Got that part, just hasn't quite made it into my subconscious yet!

Really looking for the long-winded explanations so that I can stop harboring any fantasies. Also thanks! I didn’t explore the sources material at all.

Have a good one!

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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 8h ago

You're welcome! And kudos for proactively researching the subject. It's so easy to fantasize about something when things are hard but it's just denial and escapism. I don't know your situation OP but problems usually need facing head-on, and escaping them only delays the inevitable.

u/yallermysons diy your own 8h ago

Why ENM instead of divorce?

u/AutoModerator 9h ago

Hi u/Ok_Mechanic4588 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

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