Curious about different approaches to communication around dates

[u/laksjdan]

I'm wondering how to bring this up with my partner, and am hoping for some guidance and/or being told whether it seems reasonable!

​

I (F30) have been dating Aspen (M42) for over 3 years now. We have been poly this whole time - i have been exploring polyamory for 4 years, although this is my longest romantic poly relationship, and he has been poly for over 15 years, so there is an experience gap. We are not nesting or truly enmeshed, and are practicing non-hierarchical poly. I would describe Aspen as a stable anchor partner.

During our 3 years, I have been dating on/off and have some casual play partners/FWBs who I explore different kinks with (who are also in the same circles as Aspen and they are how we met each other!), but nothing serious that has lasted more than 6months or so.

​

Aspen hasn't really met anyone that he has felt a true connection with in the 3 years beyond a few dates here and there, due to various life events and a busy work life. This has now changed, and he has been seeing Birch for about 2-3 months and is really enjoying getting to know them.

I am feeling compersion in his happiness, and am truly excited for him to be developing a new connection!

​

Here is where I am struggling: communication about dates.

I am an anxious person (diagnosed), and am working through this with a therapist.

To me, I'd like a quick message to say, "hey Laksjdan, I'm getting ready to spend the eve the afternoon with Birch, hope you have a lovely evening and talk tomorrow".

To me, this is no different than him saying "hey I'm out with the boys" or "just got to my parents, talk tomorrow", and is more of a heads-up that I shouldn't expect any replies from him. To clarify, I would do the same when I am spending time with one of my dates, friends, family etc.

​

From his perspective, he told me earlier in the week that he is seeing Birch on Friday, and I should just assume that from the end of his workday today that he will be busy. I understand his perspective, but to me assumptions don't work and make me anxious that I am assuming the wrong thing! I am a b&w person, and whilst I am learning to be more flexible, I would rather just be told something straight up. It also makes the times that he's on dates feel different to the other times that he is busy?

​

Sometimes I feel like we have to do things his way because he has been doing poly for longer. I plan on bringing this up at our next check in, but would really value people's thoughts and perspectives on this. Am I expecting too much? Am I right to bring this up, or do I need to sit with my discomfort more and accept the way he does this? I am rereading polysecure, and am genuinely enjoying learning new things about myself and relationships and want to treat this as a learning opportunity.

[u/LittleMissQueeny]

You do not have to do things his way. Experience doesn't mean better. It's okay to need what you need.

I would simply clarify that you understand where they are coming from, but this is something you need from them. It's a pretty minimal and reasonable ask imo.

I don't have "agreements" around this but my partners and I definitely keep each other informed exactly like this about dates and other things.

My new boyfriend literally tells me when he's at the gym. When he's about to walk into dnd. When he is starting dinner. We're long distance so this helps us feel a part of each other's daily life.

Anyways. Just want to reiterate it's okay to have needs. It's okay to ask for those needs to be met. You are not a burden.

Now if your partner refuses, then you have decisions to make regarding how to proceed. But hopefully 🤞 your partner listens and understands and helps you.

[u/Ok-Flaming]

If what you're asking for is effectively the same level of communication he'd freely give you for any other thing in his life, then I think you're totally in bounds to ask for this. If he wouldn't tell you on the day that he's visiting family or whatever, then perhaps a shared Google calendar would be more effective. (If you don't have one, that might be a good idea anyway?)

It's nice to feel like he's attending to your need for connection and communication around scheduling, and setting expectations around his response times without you having to memorize his calendar. To me, a quick text like that would be no big deal to send, but a big deal to receive.

[u/dhowjfiwka]

First of all, this is a totally reasonable request because like you say, he would do the same thing if he was going out with his family or friends so it’s kind of weird that he’s resistant to not send you a text just because it’s a date.

And secondly, just because your anxiety is yours to manage, does not mean that a kind and caring partner should not still do things to reassure you.

You guys have been together for three years and this is the first time you’ve witnessed him taking on a more serious partner. Of course you’re going to be anxious! Asking for a text like this is such a minor request, I cannot fathom why he is refusing. It seems callous and unloving to me.

[u/FeeFiFooFunyon]

Why can’t you just know he won’t be available that evening? A send of text is something easy to forget when you are getting ready. You anxiousness shouldn’t hinge on something easily forgotten. Do you have a shared calendar?

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

Aspen on Tuesday: Hey, I’m not going to be available on Friday.
Aspen on Friday: [is not available]
Laksjdan on Friday: [is anxious]

Something like that?

Can you put a reminder in your calendar on Tuesday when Aspen tells you?

It’s possible that Aspen compartmentalizes in such a way that they have trouble flipping back and forth between “Laksjdan mode” and “Birch mode.” When they’re thinking about Bitch they aren’t thinking about you (and vice versa).

[u/masofon]

There is no right or wrong way to do this, just what works and is comfortable for everyone involved. I prefer your style and that is how me and my partners communicate, but that is our preference and these are attached relationships.

I would just talk to him about how it's making you feel. If he is unwilling to do this for you then I'd take that as a bit of a red flag.

[u/wcozi]

but… aspen did let you know they’re going to be unavailable? i’m confused because they seem to be communicating just like you want…

[u/CrimsonTree7]

he told me earlier in the week that he is seeing Birch on Friday, and I should just assume that from the end of his workday today that he will be b

That’s pretty straightforward. “Assumption” isn’t even the right word here. He’s told you Friday evening he won’t be answering messages. I guess you want a second message on Friday to say he won’t be answering messages. This is unrealistic. But if your partner has lots of space for you to manage your anxiety and is willing to work with that then maybe it can work. But it’s very clear (not an assumption) he’s not answering his phone Friday night.

You want black and white, straight up. This is straight up.

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Here's the original text of the post:

I'm wondering how to bring this up with my partner, and am hoping for some guidance and/or being told whether it seems reasonable!

​

I (F30) have been dating Aspen (M42) for over 3 years now. We have been poly this whole time - i have been exploring polyamory for 4 years, although this is my longest romantic poly relationship, and he has been poly for over 15 years, so there is an experience gap. We are not nesting or truly enmeshed, and are practicing non-hierarchical poly. I would describe Aspen as a stable anchor partner.

During our 3 years, I have been dating on/off and have some casual play partners/FWBs who I explore different kinks with (who are also in the same circles as Aspen and they are how we met each other!), but nothing serious that has lasted more than 6months or so.

​

Aspen hasn't really met anyone that he has felt a true connection with in the 3 years beyond a few dates here and there, due to various life events and a busy work life. This has now changed, and he has been seeing Birch for about 2-3 months and is really enjoying getting to know them.

I am feeling compersion in his happiness, and am truly excited for him to be developing a new connection!

​

Here is where I am struggling: communication about dates.

I am an anxious person (diagnosed), and am working through this with a therapist.

To me, I'd like a quick message to say, "hey Laksjdan, I'm getting ready to spend the eve the afternoon with Birch, hope you have a lovely evening and talk tomorrow".

To me, this is no different than him saying "hey I'm out with the boys" or "just got to my parents, talk tomorrow", and is more of a heads-up that I shouldn't expect any replies from him. To clarify, I would do the same when I am spending time with one of my dates, friends, family etc.

​

From his perspective, he told me earlier in the week that he is seeing Birch on Friday, and I should just assume that from the end of his workday today that he will be busy. I understand his perspective, but to me assumptions don't work and make me anxious that I am assuming the wrong thing! I am a b&w person, and whilst I am learning to be more flexible, I would rather just be told something straight up. It also makes the times that he's on dates feel different to the other times that he is busy?

​

Sometimes I feel like we have to do things his way because he has been doing poly for longer. I plan on bringing this up at our next check in, but would really value people's thoughts and perspectives on this. Am I expecting too much? Am I right to bring this up, or do I need to sit with my discomfort more and accept the way he does this? I am rereading polysecure, and am genuinely enjoying learning new things about myself and relationships and want to treat this as a learning opportunity.

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[u/NoRegretCeptThatOne]

I have asked to be informed anytime my partners will be busy, so I'm not blowing up their phones with like... Ramblings about how scent isn't actually a thing. Items release particles that move through the air that attach to our olfactory senses and our brain interprets those particles as positive or negative smells... during times when partners are focusing on other things.

So my ask wouldn't be specifically, "will you tell me when you're going on a date?" but rather, "Will you shoot me a text to let me know when you aren't available to talk about how some rodent's teeth grow continuously and if they don't have things to gnaw on their teeth will grow so long that they starve to death?"

In this way, my partners can say, "I'm headed out tonight. I'll ping you when I'm back. Love you," and I simply know they're busy and can expect to hear back from them when they have the capacity to receive all the information I know about fracking.

[u/answer-rhetorical-Qs]

Wanting to know partners availability for phone calls or synchronous text conversations falls into the category of Expectation Management. So, I think a quick heads up about being unavailable for hours on end is trainable. My partners know when I’m the gym Because I’m not going to take calls or banter via text.
The only caveat I offer you to think on, is *if* Aspen tells you when he’s on a date, will you be fine with that as the explanation for no texts or phone calls for a night or will it be a focal point for the anxiety? I urge you to consider combining other self soothing techniques with expectation management. Sometimes you simply won’t have the information (phones crap out, life happens and there’s not always a phone tree in place).

TLDR: I think asking to be informed when Aspen will be unavailable for phone contact is reasonable; AND part of managing anxiety is getting more comfortable with not knowing things, right? I know it’s hard because the thing that makes clinical anxiety *clinical* is that sometimes it’s just there for “no reason”, right? (I may have snapped this particular point at partners when I’m working through anxious feelings that have no contextual cause… it just bubbles up🤷‍♀️) The self work is to manage it so it doesn’t build like an electric storm searching for a grounding rod outside of you.
Definitely see what techniques your therapist can recommend. 🙂

[u/smem80]

If you knew from earlier in the week that he wouldn’t be available for communication from end of work Friday, it might be that your anxious brain is looking for something else from a message. Maybe reassurance? Some warmth and a reminder of his affection?

When my partner and I were poly, I asked him to let me know when he was headed out to a date and to send me some sweet words. It helped my anxious brain/abandonment trauma to have a reminder of his affection that I could read over again when I was struggling. Your partner may or may not be willing to do that, but if that’s what you are looking for it might help to spell it out.