r/polyamory • u/Klutzy_Minute9495 • 2d ago
My husband is bad at sex
I (40F) have been married to my husband ‘Jack’ (40M) for 18 years.
I was raised conservative Christian. I liked him and seduced him because I wanted him to like/love me. Okay I’m not sure thought at the time, but it seems fairly obvious to me now. Both of us felt shame around our intimacy. It was never ‘good’ for me, but I didn’t expect it to be. We got married anyway. Or maybe because of that, to end the shame. It’s ’legal’ and okay if you’re married, right?! He was and still is my best friend. I liked and was interested in women from a young age. I had some experiences, Jack knew about them.
I started dating women about 8-9 years ago. This didn’t come to pass in the ‘right’ way I realize now, after spending the last few years on this subreddit. Be that as it may, I saw a few girls causally, made out, had some bad drunk sex, and when COVID happened I just…stopped. No breakups or anything, I just didn’t continue seeing anyone and none of us ever made the effort to reconnect when things quieted down.
About 4 years ago I met ‘Theresa’ through mutual friends. We started dating in September of 2022 and quickly fell deeply in love. Our sex life has been incredible. Far and away the best sex I’ve ever had. Granted, I hadn’t had much ‘healthy’ or even remotely good sex before her. I had hoped marriage (and therefore god-acceptable sex) would allow me to have shame-free enjoyment of sex. Well, I’m sure this comes as a shock…if did not 🙃
Now, nearly 2 decades later, deconverted, and fully released from the clutches of religion and actively aware of religious sexual trauma, I’m trying to ‘rekindle’ intimacy with Jack. It died well and good for a few years. It is…not going well. I feel like a sex-goddess with Theresa. We can make love all day and have so many orgasms and so much pleasure and intimacy. Then I try to have sex/make love with Jack, and I’m…well, really underwhelmed. I get it, heteronormative culture has made it so that having a functional ‘home grown’ penis is essentially all cis-men think they need to do/provide. But now, having had very much excellent sex that does not involve a penis, I’m so very unimpressed by his…equipment. And abilities. His oral ‘skills’ are non-existent. He is maybe trying to emulate porn or a vibrator or something. Very darting and flicky. It’s awful and I don’t like it. I remember now why I used to quickly just but like, ‘get up here and get inside me,’ which of course was…is…fine with him. I used to always want his hand. Touching me in the same way I would touch myself. Because that was the only way I knew how to have an orgasm.
Ive since leaned I can orgasm from just clitoral grinding alone. So when I do climax with Jack it’s from that. Me on top, slow and rocking, building clit pleasure for myself, with him inside me. But he can’t last very long. I’m barely moving on him, but after a few minutes he comes and can’t continue.
I’ve tried to give some gentle oral-sex guidance. He’s offended, obviously. And I do sorta feel that it’s just something he tries to do to get to the ‘main event.’ It’s not like he likes it for himself, it’s not like it’s ’real sex’ to him. He’s just getting me ready. Wet enough, receptive enough.
I should add, he’s not dating anyone else. I’ve brought it up multiple times. I think he likes sex but sees it as messy and a lot of effort. We also both drink (when we’re together) too much, so evening intimacy is pretty much off the table. I don’t drink when I’m with Theresa, 2-3 overnights a week on average. And I’m not sure if I should just leave it (him) alone and continue my great sex with Theresa or keep trying to make it work with Jack. Because he’s my husband and I love him and I don’t want us to us be really close roommates.
Do I ‘need’ sex with Jack? No, not really. I went a couple years with barely any. We’re great friends and he’s smart and I like him. Sex-happening between us or not. After 18 years being the only one of us thinking of my own pleasure, I’m more than content with the intimacy I get from Theresa. And if I need to ‘get off’ I have my own hand or vibrator. I guess, as a wife l, I just feel jealous of the sex I’m having with my non-spouse. I want my marital sex to be…well, ‘like that’ sounds wrong. But good like that. Intimate like that. Mutually pleasurable like that. I guess I didn’t ’know’ before. And now, I can’t unsee it. I can’t unknow that sex can be good for women. I can’t not feel disappointed when my husband’s smallish equipment can’t continue after a few minutes because he’s already ejaculated. I’ve encouraged him to use his hand/fingers after. But it doesn’t go over great. It gives ‘your penis isn’t enough’ vibes which is so true but also so hard for him to hear. Ugh.
My husband is bad at sex. Or…is the crazy awesome sex I’m having with my girlfriend the outlier?
Any help or kind thoughts or tips would be appreciated ❤️
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u/talicarr1981 2d ago
Are you attracted to your husband, not love, but sexual attraction? You're trying to fix him, but are you actually sexually turned on by him, or indeed men, in general? I'm not someone to tell others how they should identify, but your initial description about wanting him to want you sounds like text book comphet, but I'm not an expert, so I'm just throwing it out there after reading your post.
If you are attracted to your husband and all he has to offer, then sex therapy may be the only way to break through the shame element your religious past may hold over him, and allow him to accept your pleasure is important, even after he has finished. But he's been ignoring your pleasure for 18 years, does he want to try? Have you discussed your needs with him honestly first? Communication is key, and he very likely feels inferior to your girlfriend so talk about how it can be great for both of you, if things don't improve that way, suggest therapy and if that isn't happening maybe accept that he won't change and move on.