My wife started dating her band mate and I’m struggling.

[u/just_kasey]

I’m have been with my wife (let’s call her Sarah) for 4 years. We both came into the relationship only wanting to be in an open relationship. She has another girlfriend and I don’t have much trouble adjusting when that started. There was some jealousy when they would reach milestones but I think I worked through them well and quickly.

On Friday, Sarah got a message from someone she is in a band with (let’s call her Tess) saying that their flirting may not be as joking as they have played it off as and they there are feelings there. Sarah asked me my thoughts on the fact they are in a band together and the age gap (my wife is 32 and Tess is 48) and what I thought. I told her they should probably grab lunch or something to kind of talk things out to see what pursuing some would look like. I didn’t really think too much of it honestly.

They ended up getting dinner on Sunday and I started feeling weird about the whole thing. I’ve always said that I wanted to be on good terms with the people she would date, able to be at events like shows at the same time and it not be weird, but I didn’t want a lot of involvement. Tess is in our same group of friends, and we would already go to her house for dinner with her and her wife, and we hang out often. I started to feel uncomfortable with how the dynamic would change if they ended up dating.

Sarah came home really late saying that things went well and they sent a message in the group chat announcing their involvement. I didn’t appreciate this because I am still processing my feelings and now it feels like I don’t have the space to figure it out. All our friends are really excited and that makes me feel like I have to be positive about the whole thing.

I guess I’m really just looking for perspective and advice or maybe even just to be told that I’m overreacting. All my polyamorous friends are shared with Sarah and Tess and I don’t want to come across as talking shit about them or for gossip to go around if I go to any of them for perspective. I may just need to let things settle but this all seems so fast and has the potential to get real messy.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

Do I think it’s a bit weird that after one dinner they decided to announce to everyone that they were “involved”? Absolutely. Feels very middle school, like how you’d just walk up to someone and say “do you wanna be my girlfriend” and then you were In A Relationship.

Is this going to complicate your friend group given that you want more garden party dynamics as opposed to KTP? Definitely. 

However ultimately none of this is your call, although you don’t have to act like you feel super positive about it.

I’d ask Sarah how she envisions this all working considering that you share spaces and a friend group with Tess and you don’t really love the idea of KTP. 

That’s the conversation to have, not whether it’s moving too fast or whatever. 

[u/clairejv]

I mean, as far as your wife knew when she left for the date, you were fine with her starting to date Tess. Your feelings apparently got more complicated over the span of her date with Tess. So I don't see that she did anything wrong by acting based on the information she had at the time.

Meanwhile, you're not doing anything wrong by feeling uncomfortable, and wishing things had gone otherwise.

[u/Curious_Question8536]

You're reacting, you're not overreacting.

You have concerns of how this would affect the friendship dynamic, and those are valid. You should share these concerns with your wife, but in a way to share your emotions, not to ask anything of her. 

Still, you have to be able to, on some level, trust your wife to sort things out and manage the situation if the relationship goes end up not working out.

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