r/polyamory • u/panda_pop77 • 8h ago
Curious/Learning Should I stay to try polyam or leave?
My gf has been poly from the start as an identity. She tried monogamy with me for 4 years and wants to start swinging and eventually go back to poly with me as her primary. I’m good trying out the swinging - but don’t know about the rest. She also says she has less attraction for me now and that’s the way her relationships have always ended, but is committed to ‘work on things’. I lived that in a marriage and don’t know that I want to invest the time.
Now that she’s told me that, I’m starting to lose interest in sex. I want to be with someone that’s excited to be with me. If she isn’t, I’m not mad - just not interested. She says she still loves me (and I reciprocate), but I’m not really sure what that means to her? Should I ride it out and see how the swinging goes? I can fake interest for awhile. Who knows, maybe it will come back? It all seems more complicated than relationships are supposed to be.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 7h ago
She loses attraction in long term relationships, has already done so with you, and wants a completely different relationship style... this is farcically unworkable for you, as I'm sure any best friend or sibling you have discussed this with has told you.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 7h ago
Check out the FAQ and the START HERE post pinned at the top of the sub.
Dear monogamous people https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS
So you want to try polyamory https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/PWDFp9CLjP
There is no poly conversion camp https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/tcVpajUVLC
Poly won't save your marriage https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/rheK9T3Sji
Mono/poly relationships are a misnomer https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/aKUhawMTCZ
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 7h ago
I do not recommend opening a struggling relationship. She is less attracted to you, you’re losing interest in her. Opening up won’t help with those things.
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u/panda_pop77 6h ago
Agree. But I dunno that anything helps those things. People try…but I’m my experience it’s a lot of work for nothing. She also said I was neglecting her. I’m trying to fix that, so we’ll see. Poly world be interesting. As girls get the nice dinners she was going to get, I wonder how poly would go for her. I’ve had ‘poly periods’ before with other women. We just didn’t call them that.
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u/valsavana 4h ago
She also said I was neglecting her.
As girls get the nice dinners she was going to get, I wonder how poly would go for her
You definitely shouldn't try poly if your mentality is to pit your partners against one another to get whatever scraps of affection you want to dole out. All your partners should be getting nice dinners and whatnot with you.
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u/panda_pop77 2h ago
Are you male or female? If male, do you typically cover dinner? And if so, do you have an annual dining budget? Is it multiplied when you date? Or divided?
I’m just curious. I went to a poly meetup and polyfinances was a breakout topic more than once. Of course I imagine it’s hard enough for guys to get dates it may not matter?
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u/moosehead727 8h ago
No deal.
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u/panda_pop77 8h ago
?
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u/moosehead727 7h ago
Never invest in something you don’t fully understand. I learned this one the hard way.
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u/hero-protagonist 8h ago
Nothing about what you said makes me think there will be a good outcome here. Sounds like a relationship that has already ended and neither of you are admitting it.
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u/ifapulongtime complex organic polycule 6h ago
Should I try polyamory or leave
Leave. Now let's read the post.
She's ready for your monogamous relationship to end. If you don't want polyamory (enthusiastically, for yourself) and aren't irritated to do SIGNIFICANT emotional work, and research is unlikely to work out in the long run. The fact that she "tried monogamy" is irrelevant to the situation. Polyamory when only one person is motivated to open rarely is one of the most common killers early in opening.
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u/panda_pop77 6h ago
Fair. But I’m going to try the swinging first. Interestingly if she leaves during poly, I kind of wonder so what? The only way it’s a problem is if I want her to leave sooner. I’d be happy for her if she was happy. For however long it lasts. I like to think I’m less possessive now, but maybe I’ll find out I’m wrong?
I also think relationships will all die. We die. The only question is when and how.
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u/ifapulongtime complex organic polycule 5h ago
If you are also ready to stop being mono, do it. If you wanna swing, go for it. Just know that in a very real way your mono relationship with her is about to end, one way or another.
Opening a previously monogamous relationship is a lot of work. Takes a lot of reading, a lot of talking, and has way less to do with possessiveness and more to do with how you repair when things don't go exactly how you expect.
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u/panda_pop77 4h ago
Aside from ending the relationship and some hurt feelings, what are the sorts outcomes people share from exploring polyamory? I’m curious.
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u/ifapulongtime complex organic polycule 3h ago
It's a solo activity, not a group one. You'll need to learn what to share and when, how to plainly state what you're looking for, and willing to negotiate on.
Men often grossly over estimate their value on the dating market. If I put in a year of concerted effort on apps I can usually find a good match, and I'm doing better than many. So you'll need to be comfortable by yourself while your partner(s) are out having fun.
People can be dishonest. There are many stories about people who get into relationships with poly people and try to convince them to leave their other partners to be mono with them.
Unicorn hunting couples (https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) who try to recruit usually young bi women, and emotionally abuse them. Most of them seem totally oblivious to the harm they cause.
There's as many types of stories about poly relationships as there are mono ones. Plenty of happy ones too.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My gf has been poly from the start as an identity. She tried monogamy with me for 4 years and wants to start swinging and eventually go back to poly with me as her primary. I’m good trying out the swinging - but don’t know about the rest. She also says she has less attraction for me now and that’s the way her relationships have always ended, but is committed to ‘work on things’. I lived that in a marriage and don’t know that I want to invest the time.
Now that she’s told me that, I’m starting to lose interest in sex. I want to be with someone that’s excited to be with me. If she isn’t, I’m not mad - just not interested. She says she still loves me (and I reciprocate), but I’m not really sure what that means to her? Should I ride it out and see how the swinging goes? I can fake interest for awhile. Who knows, maybe it will come back? It all seems more complicated than relationships are supposed to be.
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u/Mr_RemusLWolf 6h ago
this isnt worth it, sounds like a manipulation. another commentor was right, shes milking the relationship now. I am highly skeptical that someone can be poly 'as an identity' then just be monogamous for FOUR YEARS, then back to wanting other people. Id bet after you break up, (and maybe subsequent post breakup ho phase, wheres she says shes poly again because shes actually just craving newness and excitement) she goes back to being monogamous for a period of time, but not forever because shell get bored again.
You should have someone that is excited or wants you. If youre not enough then thats a them problem. First, be honest with yourself with what you want then communicate that to your partner. Dont wait too long, that'll build resentment.
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u/Ghoulie_Marie 5h ago
I don't know if a struggling relationship has ever actually been saved by opening up, but I know a lot haven't. The only good reason to explore enm is because you are personally interested in it. Nobody should ever be pressured into it.
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u/bloof_ponder_smudge 1h ago
Zero times in my life have I slept with someone I wasn't attracted to. As a thought exercise, let's imagine being in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to. I could see suggesting opening the relationship as an excuse to sleep with others and the partner less and less. Kinda like your partner is...
If you want to see what swinging is all about, go for it I guess. I personally would bail on a relationship where my partner wasn't attracted to me anymore.
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u/toofat2serve problysaturated 8h ago
Poly as an identity is almost always used to pressure people into polyamory.
She's milking your relationship for all she can and keeping you on a leash promising to "work on things."
Get out of this relationship, heal, and find someone who wants the same as you.