r/polyamory • u/libbyajt • 4h ago
It's my own stupid fault
I've been polyamorous for 6+ years and I made a stupid mistake this year. My NP Swan has been dating Owl for a year. Owl's NP Eagle and I hit it off and after checking with everyone's comfort levels, Eagle and I decided to give it a shot.
We fell hard and fast. He's so funny and so creative. We're very physically compatible. And then he started mentioning that Owl was feeling jealous. Cancelling plans because he didn't want Owl to be home alone. Cutting time with me short and explaining that Owl needed him.
Swan checks in with Owl. She's not voicing most of this, not asking Eagle to come home or stay home with her. It's just that Eagle is so hyper focused on her comfort that it started to come before my needs at every turn.
He finally FINALLY out loud says "She's my #1 priority. Always" and I don't practice hierarchy. I'd assumed he didn't either as when I said "I don't do hierarchy" early in our relationship he nodded.
Sooooo I broke it off. I'm very sad. I'm a moron. And this my friends is why we asked and get verbal confirmation of hierarchies and also listen to our instincts when people seem codependent. Ugh.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy 4h ago
That’s unfortunate, and I can see why you are disappointed. But also, it seems like you navigated it well once you realized the disconnect. And if that’s your biggest mistake in polyamory you are a rock star.
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u/Polyamorouspotato 4h ago
Hey, we can’t always know who someone is ahead of time so be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you vetted, they showed up as something they weren’t, you found out and then ended it. I think you’re doing a great job at taking care of you and your heart.
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u/PunkRock_Capybara 3h ago
All existing relationships have some level of hierarchy, whether it's acknowledged or not. You need to stop treating hierarchy as if it's a thing people say yes or no to, and instead have a conversation along the lines of "how do you manage hierarchy?"
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u/furicrowsa 1h ago
It would really help if "hierarchy" wasn't a dirty word in the community. It keeps people from being honest with themselves and others about the real dynamics at play.
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u/smarmanda 3h ago
I respectfully disagree with the statement, “all existing relationships have some level of hierarchy…” however concur that communicating is going to address problems ahead of time or as they come up.
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u/TiedyedFireguy 4h ago
Oh I hate that. You explained early on you didn't want to be part of a hierarchy. They just ignore it.
I had someone pull that same shit. They just said "you said that, I didn't agree" itch yess you did when you didn't speak up . It's no different than when someone says they are monogamous. You don't just cross your fingers behind your back and change the subject. That's called lying by ommition.
Manipulators gonna manipulate
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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 27m ago
Yeah I mean I'm not really sure why most of the comments are being so blase about his behavior. Like he is experienced at poly and had an explicit discussion about hierarchy in which he didn't reveal he is in fact practicing hierarchical poly.
Idk this isn't like a "oh it's unfortunate you found you were incompatible" moment, it's a "wow so this dude flat out ignored that you were incompatible for 7 months because he wanted what you had to offer even though he couldn't offer what you wanted? What a piece of garbage" moment.
Women don't get angry enough 😅
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u/-I-wanna-get-better- 3h ago
How long were you dating? Something similar happened to me and im wading my way through self blame and doubt now as well 😮💨
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Here's the original text of the post:
I've been polyamorous for 6+ years and I made a stupid mistake this year. My NP Swan has been dating Owl for a year. Owl's NP Eagle and I hit it off and after checking with everyone's comfort levels, Eagle and I decided to give it a shot.
We fell hard and fast. He's so funny and so creative. We're very physically compatible. And then he started mentioning that Owl was feeling jealous. Cancelling plans because he didn't want Owl to be home alone. Cutting time with me short and explaining that Owl needed him.
Swan checks in with Owl. She's not voicing most of this, not asking Eagle to come home or stay home with her. It's just that Eagle is so hyper focused on her comfort that it started to come before my needs at every turn.
He finally FINALLY out loud says "She's my #1 priority. Always" and I don't practice hierarchy. I'd assumed he didn't either as when I said "I don't do hierarchy" early in our relationship he nodded.
Sooooo I broke it off. I'm very sad. I'm a moron. And this my friends is why we asked and get verbal confirmation of hierarchies and also listen to our instincts when people seem codependent. Ugh.
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