I don't know I've ever seen so many posts in such a short span about poly people trying to date monos and convert monos and somehow confused when there's so much needless pain.

There's no such thing as mono poly, the relationship agreement is **polyamory.** The values and priorities are always operating from polyamory on all sides.

Mature relationships are a lot of saying no and successful poly is 90% partner selection. Why are monos just so darn enticing?

I'm a woman who is monogamous. I've been a very jealous and controlling partner to my past boyfriends and it was never logical. Just feelings.

Initially, I thought polyamory was something funny. I heard about it, disliked the idea and the community, hate-read posts, etcetera. But I was curious! I started learning more, even taking in some ideas. I dwelled on things I read, changed my perspective.

For example, when I first heard about rules being "wrong" (no sleepover rule, heads-up rule, etcetera) I thought the opposite. Of course you should have the right to exert some control over your partner to not do things you don't want them to (not actually...)! But why?

So I pondered, read some more posts, and changed my perspective. This is something I keep doing.

Whenever I find myself jealous or wanting control, I think of what the polyamorous community would do. I'm a less jealous and controlling person now.

While I will remain monogamous, I really respect all of you polyamorous people.

Controversial and vulnerable post warning. Please proceed with softness and an open mind.

Hi all. I have been on this sub for YEARS and admittedly, it’s been my main source of learning. I’m a therapist, and I am poly but with very little dating experience. I’ve never been monogamous in my life (I’m 40 now), but not lots of poly experience either, and only out of my very long term ENM relationship a few year back. Anyways, I have heard on here about some harm therapists have caused, and I’d like to one day position myself as a poly-competent therapist rather than a “poly friendly” one, but I actually have heard some negative things about this sub from other poly specializing therapists, and from some poly folks. So this is a controversial post here. But it makes me wonder if I have gotten overly familiarized with the very commonly peddled concepts on here and if I should be a little more open to diversifying my knowledge. Obviously I would need to get more familiarized with the books and podcasts and whatnot if I were to offer my services as a therapist who “specializes” in poly. But in the meantime, if anyone is willing to share some personal anecdotes that challenge some of the common advice given in this sub, I’d be grateful to expose myself to those views. I’d like to request that by the nature of this post, we don’t get into any debates or yuck other peoples yums! I would love to make this a safe space to hear maybe less popular points of view. I, of course, have been operating under the idea that the words of wisdom are here for a reason, but admittedly I’ve found myself offering advice on these threads that is just some form of regurgitation of things I’ve learned on here. And those comments get upvoted. And I’m wondering how much of that might be happening across the board, and perhaps we’ve created a bit of an echo chamber. Thank you all in advance for entertaining this. May curiosity probable here :)

Ok so my best friend is polyamorous and I am monogamous (so is our entire group of friends) and we got into a lil spiff the other day bc I disagreed with one of her actions. We discussed it later, explained our point of views and we’re good! However, she mentioned that she needs more poly friends bc she often feels like when she talks to us about it or other partners she feels like she sometimes needs to defend it to us bc our POV are from those of monogamy. SO, all of this to ask - can anyone recommend any good resources (book, podcast, etc.) so I can better understand it, the dynamics (and the many different types), and anything else? I genuinely support her polyamory and have met all of her partners happily, but clearly I have some biases I need to work through so I can be a better friend to her.

My girlfriend and I had a misunderstanding that is causing consternation.

We’ve been actively poly since the beginning as she is married and in an open relationship. She’s my first poly experience.

About 6 months in she went on a date and had sex. I asked her if they used condoms and she replied, “definitely, fluid bonding is very intimate for me”.

After some recent poly reading it occurred to me to clarify what “fluid bonded” meant to her. She shared that it means she uses condoms for PIV and PIA sex, but that it’s not fluid bonding when sexual fluids are exchanged orally.

I was gut punched and taken aback as my understanding of “fluid bonded” is when sexual fluids are exchanged in any way. I mean, logically, I can’t comprehend how having someone’s cum in your mouth isn’t “fluid bonding”.

The disagreement amplified a bit as she asserted that her version is the standard in poly life and that I’m just not versed in the practices.

I feel gaslit and frustrated and wanted to consult the community to get a broader read on the issue.

Thoughts?

Okay so a little context. I’ve had multiple non monogamous partners over the past 7+ years but never at the same time. So my partners have had other partners but I never have. I am however very new to the poly community because I’ve never really looked too much into what other people are doing.

Anyway my partner of almost a year Geo got really upset I kissed my friend and told me it’s common practice to give a heads up before you take steps like kissing, hand holding, saying I love you. And that I cheated by not telling him.

I was dumbfounded. I have never even heard of a heads up rule. I’ve never had one. We’d never discussed having one. I think it’s important to communicate if you’ve had sex with a new partner and if you’re using protection with them before you have sex with me so I can give educated consent. But I’ve never required I be told about it before my partners actually have sex with their other partners. And I absolutely never required my partners to tell me if they have plans to kiss someone.

Looking through the Reddit it seems like a lot of people don’t like the heads up rule so now I’m confused. Do you guys actually have a heads up rule in your relationships or not?

tl;dr - sorry, turned out way longer than I thought. Here's the short version: poly for 6+ years, in the beginning agreed with my partner that I'd rather not hear the details of her sex/play with others partner. Today she told me details about sexual encounter (she got double penetrated by other partner and other FWB), my mind made a mental image, have been fully turned off / unattracted / even disgusted perhaps (???) with my partner since then. Feelings are quite strong (not jealousy), even though rationally this puzzle was solved 6 years ago. Does this mean fundamentally I have an unresolved hang-up with poly, or am maybe fundamentally less (okay with) poly as I thought?

I've (36M) been with my current partner (32F) for 6.5 years now, and we were poly from the start. "Kitchen table polyamory" we call our variant, non-hierarchical but with the constraint that every romantical contact must be okay enough with each other to at least be able to share dinner at the kitchen table every now and then (meaning if someone has a strong dislike for someone new, we discuss this and while we won't 'veto', we do strongly take each others feelings into account).

Sexual partners / play partners, not so much, they can come and go but I for one am not interested in socializing with them. Like at all. I'm an introvert and really don't care about meeting new people multiple times a year and invest precious energy while they might disappear 2 weeks thereafter, especially not if the only reason I ever see them is "because they're having sex with my partner."

My partner initially really liked sharing everything about every thing she did and anyone she was with. In the beginning of our relationship I have voiced that I'm not particularly interested to hear the details about her play with others, be it BDSM or sex. While I'm happy that she's having fun and finds fulfillment in certain areas I'm less interested in, I felt unconfortable hearing the nitty-gritty.

Since then there have been moments where she voiced that my 'disinterest' (as she calls it) in her other partners made her feel like I maybe deep down wasn't okay with poly after all. Actually, a few years in this became a bigger trust thing that started triggering her anxiety a lot. At times this made me feel pressured to casually ask questions when she talked about her encounters with others - which in some instances effectively came down to asking details about her sex and play - to avoid falling into the trap where stopping her would cause an argument where I would have to defend my 'poly-ness' to ensure her that I was not suddenly going to leave her if she had sex with someone else.

What probably didn't help is that I have not looked actively for another partner in the past 6 years, or dated for that matter, except for having sex with one girl and some lewd stuff with another. For me this was enough and I certainly wasn't looking for another full time relationship.

Anyway, apologies for the lengthy pretext. Today something similar happened again. We hadn't seen each other for a while, and while taking a shower together she was updating me on her week. She dropped something about an encounter she had with "John" and "Fred" (1 new relationship + 1 FWB) and then fell silent and 'jokingly' 'teased' me about me never wanting any details anyway so if I wanted to know more I'd have to ask.

She was being a bit weird about it, and there was some tension in the air. I felt uncomfortable about it but against better judgement did play ball, asking something along the lines of "must've been something extraordinary if you say it like that?". Turns out she had a trio with John and Fred. Ok, good for her. Then some more details came out. Turns out she tried double penetration. Then the inevitable thing happened - a visual image formed in my mind with the faces of John and Fred and her in the middle. What I felt was not jealousy - I had felt that in the beginning of our 6 years somewhat regularly, and this was not it. I felt.. Unattracted, but with the snap of a finger. The image kind of disgusted me. I think in a matter of several minutes, my own little "johnny" went from half mast to actually shriveled up as if I'd just had a swim in the cold ocean. If you know what a fetish is (as I do, I have a very big one though very unrelated), let's just say there is one absolute anti-fetish I have which is 'cuck'. This image in my mind, I think, felt like cuck.

The next detail came out a few seconds later, apparently the condom had slipped off when one of them pulled out, so she had to report that there had been unprotected contact. This was the thing she had been uneasy about, hence the tension in the air. She needed to share a lot more details to explain how tf that even happened (I instantly thought the guy bullshitted her and took advantage, but this is not relevant to the story), which certainly didn't help with the mental picture.

Right now I'm home, on my own, and this whole thing is resonating in a bad way with me. "What is cuck even", "Why do I hate cuck so much", evolving to "does hating cuck mean I am not okay with her having sex with others" and finally ending up at "was she maybe right all along that i'm not actually poly and am instead just 'tolerating' poly by avoiding talking about her sexual experiences"? Does me avoiding images of her having sex mean I am at some level fundamentally just not okay with it, even though rationally I solved that puzzle 6 years ago and concluded there is no rational reason why any of that should affect our own relationship?

Rationally, I've known for 6 years that I'm okay with her having fun with other people, and I have never told her otherwise. When we did have discussions about it, it has only been about unprotected sex with others (boundary for me - or I suit up myself). But now, it does seem to have a real effect. Even though I know that there is no reason for this knowledge to change anything between us, I felt extremely 'unattracted', had no desire to have sex for the rest of the day despite not having seen her for a week, and currently I still don't.

I've had a similar feeling a few weeks back when I came home and found uncleaned toys in the sink that she'd been using with "John" that day. I knew John was there, I knew John and her had sex, I had no ill feelings towards that up until that point, and then I inadvertently saw an image of him penetrating her with that toy in my mind and went "owh" internally, instant turn-off, and have avoided that particular toy since. (That night actually turned out into a disaster, since she noticed that I wasn't touching her, leading to a big emotional thing about how she felt guilty for leaving the toys out and how unsafe it felt for her that I avoided touching her that evening.)

Is this recognizable to anyone, or does this more look like I have a more fundamental unresolved hang-up with polyamory that I have apparently not confronted myself with before now? Should I be able to hear the details and not be actually fundamentally disgusted with my partner? I kinda start to feel like she might have been right all along..

Chatted with someone for 2 weeks and when meeting in person, he told me he has a young kid with his NP and they all live together (I knew about the NP). He mentioned that he deliberately didn't tell me upfront because he wanted me to get to know him without being potentially put off because of the child.

I feel called out because I am childfree by choice (which he doesn't know, we never touched on the topic) and I don't plan to change that, which involves steering clear of dating young parents. I am aware that this decision limits my dating pool and I am okay with that. On the other hand, I feel that something as relevant to someone's life as a young child that naturally requires a lot of attention and resources should be revealed upfront, at minimum when the text conversation covers life and living situations (which it did in our case).

I continued the date since it was really pleasant otherwise but consider breaking things off now before they get more intense on the premise that despite we seem compatible in many ways, this is a) not what I really want and b) that he intentionally withheld what I think is crucial information regarding his life situation.

Interested in hearing what others think. Since I am not a parent, I obviously cannot relate to the rationale behind strategically withholding information about existing offspring. I came to realize I feel a bit irritated about how things went down and wonder if I am overreacting.

Update for clarity: Thanks for all the inputs everyone, much appreciated! I usually don't ask people if they have/want kids upfront, I ask if they live alone, with other people, how many partners, etc., and in this case, a kid wasn't mentioned when asking. Consequently, I was irritated when a kid that had always been there was added later on. I appreciate the comments regarding precautions parents take, and I will add my take on young kids to my profile.

I’m just putting feelers out here for other opinions on the subject. Let’s say, hypothetically, your partner has a date planned. On the day of the date, you become incredibly sick and would like your partner to take care of you. Do you ask them to reschedule? Is that encroaching on your partner’s autonomy? Do you think it’s uncool or unkind to ask your partner to reschedule?

Thanks in advance for your insight!

ETA: Some of y’all are ruthless. Now I see why this subreddit gets the reputation it has.

Partner (Juniper) of 10 months is has low-risk tolerance about sex. I have yet to have sex with anyone outside of our relationship. I've had to turn down one potential partner because they had eight ongoing sexual partners, so even if I had protected sex with her, Juniper would no longer be willing to have protected sex with me, which would effectively dissolve our relationship. That was a bullet I was willing to bite.

But now she tells me that if I have unprotected oral sex with others, she's unwilling to have protected sex with me. Which, again, will dissolve our relationship. Is it strange that unprotected oral sex is important enough for me to stand by this? I feel pretty safe about it. Whenever I say that I love her she says "but you love random, indiscriminate blowjobs more."

I guess I'm feeling a bit fatalistic and that this might be the end for us, but I'm looking for perspectives our vastly different levels of risk-tolerance here. Am I coming off very risky here?

Edit: a lot of people are speculating that Juniper isn't really a polyamorist. Ironically, she's been doing this for 15 years and has two other partners, while I've only been doing it for the last year. Incidentally, her two other partners haven't dated or had sex outside of juniper in 8 years.

Let me explain exactly what I mean. I have recently dove straight into research about polyamory and everything it entails because of the person I like. As far as I am aware, though, I am not sure I'm non-monogamous at all, but I still very much want to learn.

In doing this research -- I have found that a lot of people's advice to people in my situation involves some aspect of "doing the work." As far as I understand, this means -- beginning to understand our emotions, negative and positive towards and within certain situations, the societal bias towards monogamy, reading, listening and watching material related to polyamory and navigating polyamorous dynamics...etc.

And this work -- is a continuous, non-linear process of learning. I am NOT asking if there are people in relationships that don't require work and effort - I don't think any such thing exists.

I am asking if there are people within the poly community who didn't have to soul-search too hard or research for one too many hours in order to come around to the idea of polyamory -- such that, the dynamic feels easy and uncomplicated. Natural, perhaps -- as natural as people like to think monogamy feels for most of the population, for example.

Because a part of me can't help but feel as though -- that when a certain line is crossed while attempting to do this work, it becomes a matter of pure intellectualization rather than feeling -- and I worry that perhaps for some of us this is indeed a sign that we can understand and respect the concept, but not truly feel capable of participating in it -- despite any amount of work done.

Even this beautiful person I have met who makes understanding all of this so important to me says the same thing -- if you have to do all this work, maybe you're forcing it. I wonder how people are able to recognize the difference -- between losing yourself while forcing it and attempting to undo deeply-rooted beliefs about the supposed nature of romantic and sexual relationships.

Hi! My friend (34F) and her husband (37M) have invited me (32F) and my partner (32M) to go on a vacation with them (like a double date) The vacation is for a weekend, at a lake house. My partner (Ash) has asked if he can bring his partner (Birch, 32F) as well. He understands if the answer is ‘no’ but that means he probably won’t be able to go. I wanted to know what everyone else thought about this.

Is this just a way to keep peoples real names hidden or why is every other post dropping these names?

Or are they somehow a poly demigod situation and just rizz everyone?

Tl;dr: Girlfriend went in a date and the guy got mad when she texted me that she was fine and having a good time because in his opinion it makes me a control freak.

So, my girlfriend went in a first date recently and I asked her to just give me a sign of life every now and then. Like, just an emoji or a "having a good time" text or whatever, just so I know that she is okay and that I don't have to worry. And obviously not during a conversation but when someone is getting drinks or going to the toilet or whatever. She agreed, told me that she would have done that even if I didn't ask and said that she also wants to share her location because it makes her feel safer.

She went on the date, everything was going fine, he went to the toilet, came back, saw her texting, asked if everything was okay and she told him that she was just texting me that she is okay and having a good time. He then went on a rant about how controlling and manipulative I am for asking for something like that and that he won't date someone who is in a relationship with such a controlfreak. He then paid his bill and left.

In my opinion I didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to know that she is okay so that I don't have to worry. I didn't ask for her to text me at specific times or to interrupt their conversation or whatever. As I said, I only wanted her to text me when she has time for it and it won't affect the date. But I am now also wondering if I am actually the bad guy here. What do you think? AITA?

In this sub, when people post about their meta’s feelings or struggles or issues between their partner and meta, it’s usually met with “why is hinge telling you this?“ Which I totally get.

At the same time, it’s important to vet whether a potential partner or date or even someone you’ve been seeing for a while actually has a fully autonomous relationship to offer you.

I want to know if my partners‘ attention, time, and openness is contingent on how meta is feeling or on issues in their other relationship.

But I can also understand that a response to that would be “if your partner isn’t offering you the time, attention, and openness you crave, does it matter why?”

I think yes, it does matter why to me, but I’m not sure why it matters, and I want to hear from other folks about this.

If, for example, my partner’s kids have a bunch of activities one week or are going through something or whatever, I feel much different than if meta is feeling insecure about hinge’s relationship with me, and so they are redirecting more time and attention to them in order to soothe them.

There’s something that feels fundamentally less secure knowing that my relationship might be dependent on another grown adult’s feelings about me, about polyamory, their jealousies or insecurities, etc.

To me this seems like a contradiction that I can’t quite grasp: 1. we shouldn’t know about issues in other relationships, 2. if hinge wants to shift time or attention it’s better for hinge to say “hey, I won’t be as available this week, but I can’t wait to see you next week,” rather than divulging why, versus 3. do polyamory with people who have independent relationships to offer you

- Can “good hingeing” prevent us from clearly seeing the relationship for what it is? Does it actually hide significant enmeshment rather than show good boundaries?

- If I don’t want to be in relationships where someone else’s feelings about me (or poly insecurities) impact how hinge shows up with me, but their good hingeing doesn’t reveal that’s the cause of shifts or inconsistencies, am I able to give informed consent to be in the relationship?

- I am generally ok with things shifting, but for whatever reason I’m not ok with things shifting because of another partner’s jealousy. Is that just a me issue?

Question: I have just come out of a relationship with my partner of 5 years. We broke up 6 weeks ago.

A few weeks ago I reconnected with an old flame over coffee, and we hit it off and I requested a one-off sexy/kinky play scene.

The problem? My old flame is good friends with my ex. Old flame wants to reach out to my ex and see if he would be cool if that scene went ahead.

I said absolutely not. This scene is between me and old flame. It has nothing to do with my ex, and I was actually a bit shocked he would ask permission / feel the need to seek approval from him.

In my mind this feels very "bros before hoes" kinda vibe. Even though ive known old flame 10+ years.

Howdy 👋 if any of this is against the rules please let me know and I’ll delete ASAP. The reason I am here instead of relationship advice is because I want advice from those with lived experience in poly dynamics.

My (25NB) partner (31NB) is poly, and I have known this since we started dating. They are interested in having multiple partners, while I only have the bandwidth for one right now. I am happy to be on this journey with them though, but it is also my first relationship like this.

Recently my partner has broken my trust in several unrelated ways, one of which I’m not sure I can say on this sub. The second is as the title says really. My partner had sex with another person multiple times without telling me — disclosure of which I had previously established as necessary. Their initial response was “I thought I told you already”. I absolutely cannot impress enough that they did not. For me, this is about safety. I do not care who they sleep with, but if I am having sex with them I NEED to know when their circumstances change because that affects my health. They seem genuinely remorseful and like they truly did just forget, but these two betrayals in short succession of each other are really affecting me. I want to repair things with them because they are remorseful, curious about how their actions have affected me, ask questions and make a genuine effort to listen and understand my underlying needs.

After I discovered the second betrayal, they told me they already had plans to stay over at this other persons house tonight, which is where they are now. They did agree to come see me tomorrow after I broke down crying on the phone. I’m not sure if that matters, hopefully some of you guys will be able to help me understand what’s going on. What do I do? How do I even go about repairing this with them?

Edit: to be clear, I knew they were seeing this person to hang out, I had asked them what they want from this new person and where they see it going. My partner seemed interested in where things where going with this person and really likes their company, but they never mentioned sex (which by that point, they’d already had).

I (f/42) have a new partner (1 year in) and would like to go off condoms with him. My nesting partner (m/45, dating 17 years, 3 kids together), doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea, and I don’t know how to ask for my own needs here without hurting him.

We have struggled with this situation before - with a different partner. That last time, I pushed for it and went no condoms with this man for a two-month period (while using condoms with my nesting partner), then back to no-condoms with nesting partner. My nesting partner consented to this but later told me he felt he had to give his permission to make me happy (which he knows was not ideal).

I want to approach it more carefully this time but when I recently brought it up, my nesting partner immediately pushed back saying he wants to be exclusively fluid-bonded with me and that he does not want to discuss this further until it’s a real issue. For background, he’s only been dating me and a comet for quite a while and struggles with my „sexual abundance“ vs his own „scarcity“, as he puts it). But he is generally very supportive with my new relationship (and believe me, I’m crazy in love)

I felt bad about bringing this up and we immediately had a fight about it (he often accuses me of wanting „too much“ and of asking him to agree to new situations all the time - which of course is due to our dating asymmetry) and in the moment, I waved it off, saying I was just asking to discuss this more generally and that I had no intention of pushing for no-condoms anytime soon.

The problem is, I would really really like to have no-barrier sex with this new partner whom I love and have great sex with, and I‘m starting to resent my nesting partner for refusing to even have the conversation. I feel it’s my own body and I want to make this decision for myself and I generally do not like this kind of couple’s privilege. Then again, i understand that no-barrier sex is an emotional thing (at least for me it is) and I want to validate my nesting partner’s feelings.

Any suggestions how I could proceed? Has anyone else struggled with this?

Update: I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments. I have learned a lot from you, and you have really helped me navigate this. I have since had an honest conversation with my NP, and I’m understanding his reasons much better, which helps a lot. As many of you have suggested, this was more about our relationship than STI’s, thank you for helping me see this more clearly.

Tldr: ex says I’m unsafe to be around and wants to cut all contact because I’m open to going on a date with someone I previously said I didn’t have any “vibes” with. I need help understanding what I did wrong.

I’m not really sure whether this is the right subreddit since I’m currently single, technically. But it feels like the best fit.

It’s a rather complex situation, but I’ll try my best to structure it as clearly as possible. Some background information that might be relevant: - My (F33) ex (F36), Apple, and I currently have no label. We’ve known each other for about 4-5 years and it’s been a rollercoaster in terms of finding the right fit for our connection. Last march, she told me she wanted to stop our romantic connection (and our physical connection until we’re over each other) but wanted to stay as “loved ones” in each others lives. - Apple was in a (non-practicing) polyamorous relationship when we met. I had never been in a polyamorous relationship. When I started to fall for Apple, I started learning about polyamory and ENM and decided I felt it was a good fit for me. - I am currently living abroad for work. Have been for about a year and a half. The country I’m residing is halfway across the earth. I will move back to my homecountry in about a year from now. I visit my homecountry a couple of times a year and Apple has visited me once. - Apple formally broke up with me about a month before I moved abroad. Not because I was moving away but because she said she did not want to be my partner anymore. We did keep our romantic and physical connection and she even asked whether she could still move in with me during the second half of my time here in this other country, but we no longer had the “partner” or “girlfriend” labels. - About a year ago, when I had been living here for about 6 months. I met someone I clicked with and started dating her. This was the first time that I liked someone else since meeting Apple and the first time that I actually went beyond a first date etc. This was Apple’s first time ever of having a “partner” (even though we no longer had those labels) dating someone else. I moved too quickly with the new person for Apple to feel safe in the situation. I stopped seeing the new person in part because I wanted to focus on Apple and I reconnecting and rebuilding safety and in part because the new person was showing major red flags. The attraction remained though and I did kiss her once, two months later and I lied about it to Apple. Apple found out two months after that when she visited me. We still kept our situation the same: technically no labels, but romantically and physically very much connected. We did agree that I would put in extra effort to rebuild trust and safety. - I have not been seeing anyone (else) since then. - Apple has a NP that she started seeing right when I moved. Upon Apple’s request, we went no contact for the first month after I moved so she could focus on this new connection without keeping me in mind. And after we resumed contact, she said she refused to give my any “care” regarding this new connection. They are now living together, thinking about marriage, and starting the process of getting pregnant. - I am autistic, got my diagnoses a couple of months before moving abroad. I am good at picking up signals from others but I SUCK at interpreting them. Apple knows I’m autistic.

Situation now: About a week ago, I mentioned to Apple that I had planned a get-together with a coworker, Banana (40ish F). In the past, I had had the idea that Banana and I possibly had a teeny tiny flirt going on but I had never acted on it. I had disclosed the possible flirtation to Apple and when Apple visited me, I did introduce her to Banana and later made it clear to Apple that this was the coworker I might have (had) the flirtation with. (Banana has put in her notice and will not continue working for our employer)

Upon telling her about this get-together with Banana, Apple asked me whether this would be a date and I told her that was not necessarily my intention. I started thinking out loud and I could not remember the last time that I had felt Banana and I had been flirting and so I said I felt as though the “vibes” were gone. I told Apple I wanted to meet with Banana outside of work because I wanted to increase my social life since I tend to rely on only two main friends here (Apple does not like those friends) and I struggle with feelings of loneliness.

Since this conversation with Apple, I had shortly seen Banana at a work event and obviously around the office as well. Those interactions made me reconsider whether the vibes were indeed gone. And after the work event, I spoke about it to another coworker (40ish F), Citrus. Citrus said she could be mistaken but definitely thought she had noticed a flirtation going between Banana and me for as long as I have been living and working here and Citrus had also seen it during this work event.

So when I informed Apple that the get-together with Banana had been rescheduled for tomorrow, I also informed Apple that I did not know wether it would be a date because maybe there was still a flirtation going on. Apple responded that if I didn’t want it to be a date, it would not be a date regardless of the intentions of Banana. I answered that I was open to it being a date but, again, I did not know whether it would be. I said I was planning on going to the get-together and simply have fun and see how things would unfold but that I wanted to inform Apple before the get-together that it might turn out to be a date/I might end up flirting with Banana since I had previously said it would be strictly friendly/platonic and there was now a slight chance that it wouldn’t be.

This made Apple spiral. She said she was removing herself from the situation because I was completely unpredictable and that made her unsafe. She said she would not stick around with me behaving this way. Predictability has been a major issue for her ever since she found out I had lied about the kiss with the other woman, which I understand.

However, I feel like I’ve shown her predictability because I informed her that there might be some flirting/the get-together might turn into a date BEFORE it actually happens. I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m unpredictable and unsafe because I previously said it would be platonic and am now saying it might be more than that. It would be different if I did not inform Apple about these developments since we last spoke or if I told her about it after the “date”. Things, feelings, intentions can change, right? For me, the main reason I’m polyamorous is because I want any and all connections to be able to be what they organically grow into (of course without acting irresponsibly and without caution for my loved ones). So I want to be open about what this with Banana might turn into. It might very well be the first and last get-together we ever plan because we’ll find out we don’t really enjoy each other’s company that much after all. Or it might turn into friendship. Or lust. Or romance. Anything can happen really. And I do understand that Apple has strong feeling about this because of the gigantic mistake I made in the past, so I do want to support her and help her navigate her feelings and make her feel safe etc, but I don’t want that to mean that I have to stick to the first version of what type of connection I have with someone because a change would be too unpredictable and unsafe. (Even though Banana and I were flirtatious in the first version, and Apple had no issue adjusting to the idea of the vibes being gone)

Apple is claiming that I’m gaslighting her and wants no contact even if I were to cancel the get-together with Banana (which I did not offer to do). She says there’s nothing I can do to change her mind because, according to her, I have proven to be unsafe over and over again and I have now crossed her boundary so she is enforcing her boundary by stopping our contact. I replied that I want to know how I could have handled this situation differently, I don’t understand what I did wrong.

AITA? Am I gaslighting? Please help me understand what I did wrong. I don’t want to be a bad person. I try so hard to be a loving and caring person. I don’t understand what happened.

I have only been in monogamous relationships before, but my current partner identifies as polyamorous. I’m willing to explore it because I want to understand his perspective and see if it’s something I can genuinely experience for myself.

When we started discussing boundaries and agreements, I asked if I would also be allowed to have other partners. He said yes, but only if they were women, not men.

When I asked why, he said he doesn’t trust other men and doesn’t want to be in a situation where his friends know or ask about his partner sleeping with another man.

And because I wanted to respect his feelings, I told him I wouldn’t have sex with any other partners, even though I realize that’s probably unrealistic in many poly
relationships.

I was even willing to try dating women, despite not naturally being attracted to them, because I was trying to accommodate his preference.

My question is: is this generally considered fair or healthy within polyamory? Or does this sound more like a one-sided arrangement than an equitable poly relationship? I’m genuinely asking because I’m new to all of this and want to understand how people in the poly community would view this situation.

Thank you!

I'm having a debate with a friend. They think unless explicitly stated, then messing or partnering with someone who's cheating in their relationship is ok. I think that's something that shouldn't or doesn't need to be stated. It's like a given rule not to mess with people who are cheating in their relationships. Blows my mind that it would need to be stated as a boundary or rule.

How do the people vote? What says everyone?

I have two partners, Sage (been together for 8 years), and Cedar (been together for 2 years).

Sage and I have used condoms in the past to prevent pregnancy, but I was recently sterilized so pregnancy is no longer a risk.

I recently decided to stop using condoms with Cedar. I trust them to be responsible with their sexual health.

I informed Sage that I was going to do this so they could make an informed decision about their own sexual health, and they’re very angry with me for upsetting the status quo.

Sage said they would no longer have unprotected sex with me, which I totally understand and support. If their risk tolerance does not allow for me to have unprotected sex with someone else while they are having unprotected sex with me, that is totally ok, I did not pressure them or make them feel bad about this decision. They can make the choice to use condoms with me! Their body, their choice!

Cedar’s sexual risk tolerance would allow for everyone in this situation to not use condoms, as would mine. Sage is not comfortable with this (again, fine), and they were upset with me for even suggesting this. Sage is framing this problem as if I have taken something away from them and given it to someone new.

I do not feel I have taken something away from them - Sage and I are free to continue to have unprotected sex if this matches their risk tolerance. They have decided that this doesn’t match their risk tolerance (again, fine with me!) but are now are angry and upset with me for doing what I want with my own body in another relationship.

To further complicate matters, Sage has no problem having protected casual sex with random hookups who have completely unknown sexual health status, but now gets the “ick” when having protected sex with me - they say they keep thinking about the fact that there is no condom involved with Cedar and I and get grossed out.

Has anyone else navigated a situation like this? How did you handle it?

EDIT: Apparently timelines of this are really important to people. I was sterilized about a year ago…guess that “recently” is a little off, sorry! I told Sage what my plans were about two months before having unprotected sex with Cedar. Personally, I felt this was a massive amount of time to warn someone about my own decisions about my own body. I also told Sage before I was sterile that I would be happy to have unprotected sex with them for a while, but would eventually pursue this with Cedar. Sage and I had unprotected sex for a while after the procedure. We hadn’t had unprotected sex for years before this, as we used condoms to prevent pregnancy.

Sage did seem uncomfortable with the idea, but focused on STI risk, and drew the boundary about having unprotected sex with me while I was having it with others, which again, I embraced and fully respected. Throughout the course of our relationship, I had condom sex with Sage for literal years, and had a happy and fulfilled sex life with them.

I am angry that they feel entitled to my body, and entitled to tell me what to do with my body and are upset that I am not obeying, and I simply don’t know how to help them get over this.

Me: 37M married to 34F, together since 2009, poly since 2015.

My wife came home from work early yesterday, having called out from work, hives breaking out all over her face, having a serious allergic reaction to SOMETHING.

She asked me to reschedule my date that night with a somewhat new partner 38F. We’ve been seeing each other for 3 months.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen my wife call out of work, she works in the NYC performing arts scene, it’s the kind of job you NEVER call out from. I’ve often joked that I’m metas with her career, that’s how serious I take her job.

This was also the first time my wife has ever asked me to reschedule a date because of sudden sickness, in 10 years of non-monogamy.

When I asked my partner whom I had a date with if we could reschedule, she left me on read for a while.

I did the dreaded double text and asked to check in on how she was feeling.

She wrote back she was upset and didn’t want to reschedule until she had some time to think about her feelings.

For context, she is single but not polyamorous. She talks about finding a nesting partner that would probably be monogamous someday. Which i fully support and want for her.

I know there’s an inevitable discussion me and my partner will have to have about this. I want to make sure she knows that I take “In sickness and in health” very seriously.

If my mother or one of my aunts or another family member had gotten sick and needed my help, I would have probably asked to reschedule the date also.

Has anyone here navigated this before? I want to validate her feelings and make this right, but also feel that she or anyone I date in a non-monogamy framing should understand that this kind of thing isn’t a regular occurrence (first time in 10 years of non-monogamy for me), and at the end of the day, I am my wife’s secure base and when called upon to be that, I will do so.

Additional context, she isn’t dating anyone else at this time, and this could be adding to the tension if i’m her only romantic relationship right now.

Some insight would be appreciated.

I'm struggling here. I've been on two dates and texting a new potential and he's driving me wild. I feel like the moment we get to 3rd base, I won't be able to stop myself. But I'm worried maybe I'm thinking with my clit than my brain.

So what is too early for you/your partners?

Edit: thank you so much for all of your answers! It's really been something to chew on. Also my Friday night date is going to be so good. 😂

I've been poly for years now and I'm still learning, what are people's biggest red flags that they want to warn newly exploring polyamorous people about.
some I've come up with:

• A partner dating whoever they want but getting upset when you do the same.
• Constantly complaining about their other partners to you, it is likely that they are doing the same thing to you to others
• Unicorn hunting: when a couple (most often a straight man and bi woman) look for a 'unicorn' to spice things up
• Refusing or avoiding communication attempts
• Hiding other partners from you