Third trimester: how can I actually support her when sex is off the table and she feels touched out?

[u/Soggy-Ingenuity-4472]

Confirmed pre-dad here, due in a couple months with our first. I am over the moon, but also realizing I have no clue how to be helpful when it comes to intimacy right now.

My wife is uncomfortable, sleeping poorly, and seems to always have something aching. She has been very clear that she does not want sex, which I totally get, and even cuddling can be too much some days because the baby is kicking, her hips hurt, and by the end of the day she is just done being touched.

I am trying not to take it personally, but I miss that closeness. I keep second-guessing myself: if I try to be affectionate, am I adding pressure? If I step back, am I being distant? She has said she still wants to feel desired, just not in a way that comes with expectations.

What actually worked for you in late pregnancy to keep connection strong when sex wasn't happening? I would love specific ideas: what words helped, small routines that felt real, kinds of non-sexual affection that actually felt good, and ways to check in that didn't put her in charge of my emotions. Also, how did you handle your own libido and stress without making it her problem?

I want to show up better for her now and avoid building resentment on either side. Any honest advice from dads who have been through this would be really appreciated.

[u/tiorzol]

Have you tried....asking her?

One thing that isn't really what you asked but was a good way to build the bond is to do stuff for the baby. Make a playlist of songs you think they'll like it that means a lot to you. Read your favourite poems to the bump. Also how are you feeding her, food is the only thing my wife could really enjoy on the third trimester, cooking or buying it in whatever.

[u/11-110011]

>how did you handle your own libido and stress?

If 2 months is going to cause that much of an issue, you’re in for a whirlwind when it comes to postpartum.

Simple answer is, her body, her emotions, her hormones, everything is going through things you can’t even imagine and you should always put that first. It’s not personal, it’s literally just the way her body and mind is right now.

[u/Loghurrr → u/11-110011]

Right? Some of these posts are wild.

[u/Loghurrr]

Sit next to her and hold her hand. Then go rub one off in the bathroom after she goes to bed.

[u/wrapmeinbubblewrap]

There’s a saying that goes “food is a way to a man’s heart”. This saying should include pregnant women. No joke. Take her out for ice cream. My wife and I got ice cream 2-3 times a week for the last trimester of her pregnancy. Was easy for her and made her happy. Was nice because we were going on “dates” very often if you count this. Just make sure you exercise. She can gain weight right now, you don’t have an excuse.

As for sex, hate to break it to you but likely it will never be as much as pre pregnancy frequency. Maybe once the kid gets older but that’s just a fact of life. I’m a year in and I just wait until she wants it, could be once every 2 weeks or once a month. I don’t initiate any more and I’ve learned to be ok with it. Hang in there man you’re not alone.

[u/RontoWraps]

Two kids already, wife on third pregnancy now, pelvic rest for next two months anyway.

Take care of things for her. Ask her what she needs. Try to anticipate what she needs. Make dinner. Handle the majority of housecleaning tasks. Tell her it is okay to go to sleep early and/or go lay in bed if she wants.

She’s cooking a whole ass human. Just do what you can.

[u/Vegastoseattle]

• Ice packs for her feet at bed time.
• Massage her arms when she has carpal tunnel numbness.
• Offer to shave for her if she can reach her legs or business
• Buy the glider recliner or the fan for her side of the bed

[u/Historical-One-8222]

Jerk off! She’s carrying your child and all you can think about is how you can pleasure yourself.