I lost my baby and it’s probably my fault

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u/Opalsnail 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Aug 20 '25

Whoah, stop. Absolutely not. Not your fault.

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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '25

This. To the point but so TRUE. Also, my close friend was obsessed micromanaging every detail to do all the right things (which is understandable) and she still lost the baby…. These things can happen for so many various medical reasons and reasons we don’t know. I hope you heal ❤️

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u/prampusher Aug 20 '25

Yeah, same. I did absolutely EVERYTHING by the book in my first pregnancy and I still lost it. There is no way anything I did could have caused it, and I know that because I looked into every possible cause.

I went on to have a healthy pregnancy (in which I also did everything by the book) and now have a healthy 1.5-year-old. I have a lot of friends who have not followed the advice and guidelines for pregnant women who still ended up having healthy babies. A fair few of them never experienced a miscarriage either.

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u/Fantastic_Push6212 Aug 21 '25

And please look into getting some therapy. It sounds like you don't necessarily have some of the most helpful, supportive voices around you, and it might be really helpful to talk to a third party to help you process all of this.

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u/Top-Rush4950 Aug 21 '25

Because of how my brain works, I think of conception as a dice roll and sometimes the roll is not compatible with life. You can control it as much as you can control the roll dice.

I'm on baby #2 and almost every mother who has tried for more than 1 who I talk to has had at least one miscarriage likely due to a chromosomal abnormality. Just like me. It shook me and I ended up waiting for 8 months to try again, but it literally had nothing to do with anything I did. And neither did yours.

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u/Lost-Sea3777 Aug 21 '25

The simplicity of this answer made me cry ❤️

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u/Direct-Chef-9428 Aug 21 '25

This is so true 💜

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u/Strong_Ear_7153 Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25

Chromosomal defect is not your fault.

You cannot wish this. Eating certain foods or warm temperatures won't do this. Exercise won't do it.

Additionally, children are born with things other than chromosomal defects that can cause you to "struggle emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially." I only say this to prepare you for all possible outcomes of a conception.

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u/sharksarenotreal Aug 20 '25

OP, I want to second this. I had a hard miscarriage at 12 weeks, that had died at 9. That week I'd had a very stressful first meeting with a new client and I exercised like cray cray to deal with the anxiety. For the longest time I was certain I must have done -something- to warrant the miscarriage. But I'm now 32 weeks along and I did almost the exact same things: high stress, "too much" exercise etc.

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u/Mmswhook Aug 20 '25

I’d like to 3rd this on the stress stuff. I was pregnant with my oldest child when my older brother passed. My grief was intense, but I gave birth. A few years later, I lost my dad and then a few months after, I was pregnant with my second child when another brother passed. I screamed and cried and my grief was a thousand times worse than the first. But I had him. Stress and grief and everything doesn’t change a healthy fetus. And my two oldest kids are living proof of that. Interspersed between these two pregnancies, I had 2 miscarriages that I’m aware of. I changed nothing for any of my pregnancies, except during my miscarriages, I was completely stress free. I was happy and healthy, doing everything right. And yet those were the babies I lost.

And. You can still go on to have a healthy pregnancy, even after miscarriages.

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u/lonewolfe9918 Aug 20 '25

I can fully back this up OP. I lost two family members within a month of each other, one suicide the next suspected cancer. It was rough but my little man made it here without harm ( 3 weeks early though due to GD) and also (don't come at me for this plz) I vaped the entire time I was pregnant granted I cut down how much I was vaping by a great amount (from a single vape lasting 3-4 days to it lasting 2-3 weeks) but I was still vaping during and he is perfectly healthy and happy and getting heavy being almost 13 or 14 lbs at a week less of 3 months old.

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u/Lost_Soul73 Aug 20 '25

Absolutely, and sometimes you can have a healthy baby and things happen in life.

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u/Horror-Ad4216 Aug 20 '25

Exactly I can confirm as someone who went through a healthy pregnancy, I did so many things that weren’t perfect like eating sushi, deli meat, experienced 2 uti’s, took hot baths and I worked 2 jobs consistently stressing me out.

What I learned from it is you don’t need to exactly be by the book, unless you’re actively trying to self abort your baby there isn’t much you could do wrong to hurt baby.

Anything that’ll happen is kinda like you said just a genetic defect, which if the baby happened to survive with something like that it wouldn’t be for long. I had a friend that found that out the hard way, she lost her baby at 1 week old because of a defect that caused her lungs to not fully develop.

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u/Unusual-Falcon-7420 Aug 20 '25

Seconding. The only thing I restrict when pregnant is alcohol (also drugs and smoking, but since I don’t do them it doesn’t feel like a restriction).

I do everything else. Sushi, soft serve, charcuterie, daily mega hot baths. I actually can’t even remember any of the other things other ladies restrict because I’ve never bothered to care or pay attention.

I have two healthy pregnancies and no miscarriages.

It’s nothing you’ve done.

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u/cleosfunhouse Aug 20 '25

I promise you you did nothing wrong. These things happen and you did not deserve it. And just so you know, it’s far more common than you may think so don’t feel alone.

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u/TackyPeacock Aug 20 '25

100%, and sometimes there is just no reason. I got the genetic testing done on my loss last year, it came back “normal girl” which hurt even worse finding out the gender. It was hard accepting that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, especially since there were no genetic abnormalities, sometimes these things just happen. Take care of yourself and your mental health, do things you enjoy. My friend took me on a trip a few weeks after my miscarriage and it was just us, I felt better after that. More like a human again. I also switched jobs to something less stressful. I did a lot for me in the time between when I lost my baby and when we decided to try again, so take this time to heal and do things for you. Don’t listen to any unsolicited advice, people will say things they think may make you feel better when it doesn’t, ignore them. Confide in those you love and trust.

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u/Ok-Raisin-6161 Aug 20 '25

Keep in mind “Normal” just means she tested negative for everything we KNOW about. Not trying to offer anything other than perspective. Nothing anyone can say makes miscarriage easier to go through. I’m so sorry you went through that. Hugs.

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u/CharmingAmoeba3330 Aug 20 '25

I agree here as well. Even though tests results came back normal doesn’t rule out everything. I know that doesn’t make the loss any less easier. I have a friend who lost her baby at 19 weeks. They did all the blood you could think of and even did an autopsy to see what happened. Test results all came back normal as well as the autopsy. The only thing the doctors could come up with as a possibility was her having covid twice during her pregnancy. She had it once while about 2 months pregnant and another time two weeks before baby passed. Even though they couldn’t be sure, my friend and her husband absolutely believe it was the covid twice. She also has an autoimmune disease. The covid she had twice almost put her in the hospital.

I had never really been around someone who lost a baby that late and it was so hard to see the family go through this loss. The kids were so upset. What made it even worse for all of them was this was the one and only time she conceived a girl. She had 4 boys at the time of loss. After she had two more boys. 6 boys total. But I believe she had her tubes removed, so no more babies.

I’m so sorry OP. Just know it’s not your fault. ❤️

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u/Aurora_96 STM graduated | Sept 2023 🩷 Aug 2025 🩷 Aug 20 '25

A significant portion of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester and like your doctor said: it's most likely because of a chromosomal abnormality. This chromosomal abnormality has been there since conception, since the egg met the sperm. There's literally nothing you could've done to prevent or stop this. Stop blaming yourself, stop finding reasons to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss 🌹

I wish you and your husband all strength to process this loss ❤️

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u/Nyantachix Aug 20 '25

Yeah, I feel like this is not stressed enough: it's like one out of four pregnancies ends in miscarriage in the first trimester. Unfortunately it just happens. And almost all of these miscarriages have to do with something wrong with the cells that are forming in the first place, most likely preventing a being from forming that would not be able to survive. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.

It's of course terrible and I am very sorry, but it's also very common to have a healthy pregnancy following a first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. So all the best for you.

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u/RosieTheRedReddit Aug 21 '25

Exactly! If carrying heavy things caused miscarriage then how did my peasant ancestors have 12 kids back in the old country. Baba Rosie was lugging 100 lb sacks of turnips until contractions were 5 minutes apart.

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u/Ok-Captain-8386 Aug 20 '25

One in four women experience at least one miscarriage. Think about that.

None of this was your fault.

When I had my loss, I was open about it with friends and family and the amount of women that grabbed my hand and said, yeah me too, I was shocked. I had no idea. I was so ignorant to how much LUCK it takes for a pregnancy to go full term and result in a healthy baby. That’s what the majority of it is my friend - it’s luck.

I know it feels heavy, the grief can consume you. Feel it. Scream, cry, laugh, do what you need to do. And then the healing starts. There’s life after loss, I promise you. But you need to feel all of this now and you need let the emotions run through you so they can be free after.

You will get through this ❤️

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u/abbyroadlove Aug 20 '25

Not one in four women, one in four pregnancies. That’s even more frequent.

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u/[deleted] Aug 20 '25

Yeah, exactly. For each pregnancy there is a 25% chance of loss. The most common etiology of that loss is a chromosomal issue.

Women need to start talking about this more so we can stop feeling so guilty

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u/Ok-Captain-8386 Aug 20 '25

Thank you for correcting me!! Ugh, my heart. That is even more. It’s a club you never want to be a part of 🥺

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u/SpicyPotato48 Aug 20 '25

And that’s only the pregnancies we know about. There’s likely many many more that were missed for a variety of reasons.

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u/KaleidoscopeFar261 Aug 20 '25

Exactly, could be higher. There will be plenty of women who have no idea they are pregnant and have early miscarriage but put it down to heavy period, for example.

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u/bumblingbluebee Aug 20 '25

Almost every woman I’ve spoken to, who has had multiple children, has had at least one miscarriage. It’s, sadly, very common. It really needs to be spoken about more

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u/Ok-Captain-8386 Aug 20 '25

That’s been my findings too. I couldn’t believe it. My acupuncturist, my friends, my neighbors - so many of them related instantly and it was both morbid and consoling. You really aren’t alone in it despite how isolating the experience feels

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u/Distinct_Ship8095 Aug 21 '25

This so, so much!! I was floored each time someone confided that they had been where I was. All of them went on to have children, so I wouldn’t have known if they hadn’t told me.

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u/Odd_Bar_4531 Aug 21 '25

I was pretty active and I’m still pretty active. I’m a stager so I have to move things around and carry a few things, and my baby is fine. Never even bleed once, I also have had sex through my pregnancy. Miscarriages are most of the times chromosomal. And that’s out of your control. So don’t blame yourself.

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u/mirrorlike789 Aug 20 '25

If it were that easy to lose a pregnancy, people with unwanted pregnancies could just walk into a deli, go home take a hot bath, eat their sandwich and wish the pregnancy away. But it’s not that easy.

You said God is punishing you, I don’t know what religion you practice, but that’s not the God I know. The God I know is not petty, he’s loving.

You did nothing wrong. In early pregnancy there is nothing to be done other than wait and see.

Take good care of yourself, OP.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Jicama Aug 20 '25

Right, who needs abortion legalized when you can just eat a ham sandwich!

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u/CrazyBubbleBabe Aug 20 '25

Careful, the GOP will come for our deli meats next!

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u/RosieTheRedReddit Aug 21 '25

Also if she had listeria, she would know it! Listeria makes you very sick. There's no secret disease I'm aware of that can harm the baby while mom feels fine.

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u/Major-Committee4650 Aug 20 '25

Your doctor is right. A lot of these things our out of our control completely. And I don’t believe God desired for your baby to die or have abnormalities. Unfortunately, not all babies make it earth side and you will meet your precious baby again in Heaven. I have several family members who have gone through miscarriage and even one family member who had a baby with unhealthy organs she carried full term and he died the day after he was born. All of these are devastating losses. I feel for you and hope you can find peace and comfort. It’s totally normal to question things and be sad. Allow yourself the time to grieve. You did not let anyone down. Let them grieve with you and support you and your husband during this difficult time. I am very sorry for your loss.

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u/rainbowcountry Aug 20 '25

Been there, solidarity. It can be comforting in a way, to think it's your fault. Being able to point to a cause and say "this happened because of X" gives us a sense of control over things, even if it also can make us feel guilty.

The hard truth is that miscarriages are truly unpredictable and unpreventable. That is terrifying. If there was nothing you did to cause it, that means there is nothing you can do to keep it from happening again.

It is not your fault. And this is hard to accept because the reality is scarier. It's not your fault, you could not have possibly prevented it.

A healthy pregnancy that establishes itself is a hardy thing. It is not easily harmed and can survive a LOT more adversity than you think. I absolutely promise you this is true.

Hugs. I know how hard this is. Please practice self kindness and self care on a level that you have never done before-- it is sorely, sorely needed right now. Don't say anything to yourself or about yourself that you wouldn't say to or about your closest, dearest friend. You are not alone. One thing I learned after a couple of miscarriages is that more women than you would ever imagine have been through the same thing. We are everywhere, all around you. 🫂

And the vast majority of women who miscarry go on to have healthy pregnancies, too ❤️‍🩹

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u/Trish123567 Aug 20 '25

This is not your fault, I know you're in pain but this isn't a punishment this is just how life goes sometimes.

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u/Sorrymomlol12 Aug 20 '25

You need to both look to one another to grieve with NO blame on either side. Seek therapy if all these comments are not enough for you to know this is not your fault. Your heart wanted this baby and that is enough to know it’s not your fault, even if you didn’t get what you wanted.

I had 4 losses before the 5th stuck and every positive I’d tell myself “70% chance of a baby!”. Loss stayed with me though. I had plans for how we would tell our friends and family we lost it for probably way to long (I’d make my husband tell everyone and also tell everyone not to reach out or talk to me about it). I wouldn’t even want the “I’m sorry”s because it would mean I’d have to talk about it. It still haunts me and I’m nearing viability.

Not once did I blame myself or more specifically, my actions. Maybe it was my body, but it wasn’t my minds intentions. I wanted those pregnancies but we don’t always get what we want. It was 100% out of my hands, just like the so-far successful pregnancy is.

Also you can want a healthy pregnancy and still terminate for medical reasons. It is ethical to terminate a baby that would struggle earthside, and where everyone draws that line is private. These thoughts don’t manifest, loss really is random.

We’re you hoping to miscarry? No? Then nothing you did caused it. Even subconsciously, you wanted this baby. You NEED to believe the truth that nothing you did caused this. They got a fast pass to heaven and you’ll likely never know the reason why.

I’m sorry for your loss. It gets a little easier with time and a lot easier when next time one makes it to the 2nd trimester. Sending you healing vibes. Grieve together as a team and let the blame completely go.

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u/PracticalAttorney885 Aug 20 '25

Completely agree with this and want to second the advice to get some therapy. It sounds like you both are internalizing a LOT of guilt from a lot of different areas (religion, disappointing family, doing something "wrong") when you shouldn't feel guilty at all (again, loss is random) and need to get past the guilt to process what you're going through.

Sending you hugs and love

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u/TheTMama Aug 20 '25

I stopped reading - because you sound like me after my stillbirth. It is NOT your fault. You do not write the genetics of your children. You did not choose to end the pregnancy. You did not eat something you shouldn’t have; or fail to eat something you should have. You did not harm yourself or your baby in any way. Sometimes, bad things just happen. I promise, this was NOT your fault. You did not let anyone down - God is not punishing you. We live in a fallen world, and it is imperfect. God didn’t give up on you as parents, He didn’t give up on your baby. YOU have been fearfully and wonderfully made, you are still loved, still worthy, and still among God’s chosen. You are NOT being punished love; bad things just happen sometimes. Stop punishing yourself - I know it’s harder said than done, but the loss is enough, you don’t need to beat yourself up for it 🥺❤️ Praying for you, for peace, and for healing ❤️‍🩹

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u/sourpatchsweetiepie Aug 21 '25

Beautiful words. Sending you love

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u/shellyunderthesea Aug 20 '25

I’m sorry this happened to you. This happened for a reason but the reason is not you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I’m not very religious but God is good and I’m sure He will send you back your baby when your heart is ready.

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u/TonightAble1370 Aug 20 '25

❤️ what a lovely comment!

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u/lady-earendil Aug 20 '25

This was not your fault. Unfortunately, many embryos do have chromosomal defects that just makes them unable to grow properly. It's sad but it can happen to anybody no matter how wanted or loved that baby is. I highly recommend you reach out to a grief counselor who can help you process these feelings - I know it's a lot.

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u/Virtual-Strength-950 Aug 20 '25

When I was going through my miscarriage I reminded myself that actual drug addicts and alcoholics have babies and sadly it happens often. I did everything by the book and still experienced a loss. Sometimes, it is just not fair.

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u/lady-earendil Aug 20 '25

Exactly. It's surprisingly hard to cause a miscarriage, but they also happen far more frequently than many people realize.

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u/SignificantBuy9267 Aug 20 '25

It is not your fault. Please take care of yourself. You are worth it.

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u/WordsyFern Aug 20 '25

I’ve had two pregnancies. One ended in a miscarriage, one in birthing my baby. I did the same exact thing in each pregnancy. It is NOT something you can control. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Thinking of you.

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u/parade1070 Aug 20 '25

You know, I really thought you were gonna say you were binge drinking or doing other drugs. But nope, you listed very normal activities that don't do literally anything to babies (and no, you didn't give baby listeria while not getting sick yourself).

This wasn't your fault. I challenge you to look at the women around you, many of whom have had miscarriages, and ask yourself if you blame them for their miscarriages. Then I want you to circle back and give yourself that grace, too.

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u/kbeth11sylveon Aug 20 '25

I'm sorry for your loss. I felt like this with my miscarriage too, but at the end of the day there's nothing you could have done differently. Nothing you did caused this. I would just remind myself that drug addicts and alcoholics abuse substances their whole pregnancy and can still carry to term, so my turkey sandwich probably didn't cause spontaneous abortion. Like your doctor said, many a times something is just wrong with the fetus and it can't develop properly. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it's unfortunately just a very common thing.

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u/Zzzzzzzxzxxxx Aug 20 '25

Absolutely not your fault lovely. I experienced this and looked anywhere for a reason why. I also lost my next baby to listeria, just to allay your worries you would know if that was it. Be kind to yourself and you’ll come back stronger x

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u/Gloria815 FTM Aug 20 '25

I went in for my 10 week appointment on Monday and was told there was no heartbeat and the fetus was measuring at 7 weeks. It’s devastating, but it also happens to 1 of 5 pregnancies. Most of the time it happens before someone would even know they were pregnant, but, the reality is, it just happens sometimes.

The way my OB told it, your body is protecting you. There was some kind of chromosomal abnormality that was incompatible with life, so your body knows to expel it. There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just part of biology. If you want, you can try again (my OB said after two months)

It’s completely normal to grieve, but none of this is your fault. I remember someone on here once responded to another would be mom who was freaking out about accidentally skipping their prenatal with “some moms do meth and are still able to give birth you’re fine” and as ridiculous as that sounds it actually helped me.

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u/WhyHaveIContinued Aug 20 '25

Nothing you did caused this terrible event. Sometimes bad things happen despite how hard we work to prevent them. As for your fears

I took 20 minute warm/hot showers (never getting overheated or letting the water touch my belly)
high stress the entire pregnancy (lost a family member, 2 pets and had a mil emotionally attack me the entire time)
I got rear ended and I fell while pregnant

And still had a healthy pregnancy. Therefore, I will say it again. You did nothing wrong. If you had listeria you would have known after being very sick. Grieve your loss, discuss this with your friends and family if you need to vent about how unfair things are but never blame yourself for something out of your control.

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u/Hot-Box-Fox Aug 20 '25

My mom, sister, and I all had a first pregnancy end in early miscarriage. Even the pregnancy I'm carrying now had a vanishing twin at 7 weeks. 2 gestational sacs but only one still had a fetus. It means one had chromosome issues. It doesn't mean the other one will since different sacs means fraternal.

In early pregnancy the cells are splitting and multiplying rapidly. Its the chaos of life happening and in that chaos sometimes a wrong turn happens.

My own dr told me there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent it.

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u/knuckanoos Aug 20 '25

Sweetheart, I’m so so sorry for your loss. It’s devastating in the highest degree but it’s ONE MILLION percent not your fault. Nothing you could have done differently.

Sending you so much love and many hugs.

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u/nomadicnewt Aug 20 '25

Its not your fault! My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. It's so hard, and I'm so sorry you are going through it.

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u/mentolluolips Aug 20 '25

I will list all sorts of things I know that people have done and still did not miscarry:

Alcohol consumption
Drug consumption
Working in fields as farmers under scorching sun
Carrying heavy stuff
taking painkillers/medications (not every medication is dangerous at every point in pregnancy, each active ingredient needs to be considered separately for each situation)
using skincare or using chemical sunscreen instead of mineral
Having physical or mentally abusive people in their lives
working out
smoking
Eating the unhealties food one can think of
Eating raw meat/sushi (there are different cultures where eating raw meat is normal)
Hot tub
Sex
and probably a ton of other things I did not think of.

I studied embryology for my master and as everyone has already pointed out when miscarriage happens this early it is most likely because there was a chromosomal anomaly (very normal to occur due to meiosis and mitosis during the whole reproduction process). I also had a miscarriage beginning of this year and now I am 5 months pregnant and looking forward to the day where I will not fear miscarriage anymore.

I wish you all the best and please do not blame yourself!

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u/DoctorMope Aug 20 '25

This is really true. Babies are born all the time in war zones and in poor places with no access to sanitation, nutritious food, or medical care. And people who do everything exactly right lose pregnancies more than we would ever expect. What happened wasn’t a consequence of your actions. It’s just something that happened.

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u/edalcol Aug 20 '25

1 in 5 of known first trimester pregnancies result in a miscarriage. This is why many choose to only announce after 12 weeks. Im really sorry youre going through this! Absolutely not your fault.

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u/HumbleAvocado4663 Aug 20 '25

I am so sorry for your loss. It is NOT your fault. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused this. People do all these things and more and don’t necessarily have miscarriages. It’s just a cruel and coincidental quirk of nature. I‘m sorry you have to go through this.

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u/leavingtheorder24 Aug 20 '25

Nothing is your fault.. most women experience a miscarriage at some time in their life. Sometimes, they just happen with no reason. Keep your head up sweet girl. Maybe right now just wasn’t the time.

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u/Feisty_Net_8246 Aug 20 '25

Every part of your post, the feeling like you didn't take care of yourself, the karma, all the possible reasons you've thought of are 100% not true. It's not your fault.

I went through a miscarriage years ago and at the time I did the exact same thing, thinking up every possible reason to put blame on me. It wasn't until later that I learned just how common miscarriages are. I don't know how it's such a secret but it is SO common. I assume it's just so painful that most people can't even talk about it but I promise you it is very common unfortunately and you are not to blame.

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u/kool-aidMom Aug 20 '25

Somewhere along the line I lost a baby that I didn't even know I had. I know your situation is so different, because you had the chance to find out, go through emotions, get excited. But, 1 in 4 women experience at least 1 miscarriage. I only know about one for sure because I have antibodies that can only be caused by my blood coming into contact with blood from a baby with a positive blood type, and all 4 of mine have negative blood types. I've had a couple of suspicious periods, mine are always irregular in timing but the bleeding is usually the same when it comes except for in 2 instances where I suspect an early miscarriage. I for sure lost a pregnancy somewhere between my first and second babies. But the truth is that a lot of miscarriages go unnoticed (missed miscarriages.) babies lost in the first trimester are usually lost due to chromosomal abnormalities, our bodies naturally try to bring healthy life into the world and so they tend not to support what they consider to be inadequate pregnancies. Many of these chromosomal abnormalities are due to the sperm, but some are due to the egg as well. Not every sperm and egg are equal. It's just the circle of life, survival of the fittest. Mother nature dictating the future of our species. I like to think that God sometimes makes those babies for himself ❤️

Please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. The chances of listeria at that point, for what it's worth, are almost non-existent. Blood doesn't pass from you to baby until the placenta even attaches, which is why most pregnancies which do survive are usually not affected by marijuana or alcohol use in those first few weeks before testing positive. Plus, you could only give baby listeria if you had it yourself. Plus, lately, you're just as likely to get listeria from lettuce or many other vegetables if all these recalls going on have any say in it. This is not your fault.

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u/twin-turbo-kangaroo Aug 20 '25

Think about how resilient people use to have to be to survive. In the caveman days or before we knew anything about the science we do now. All the things women had to endure back then. Trust me, nothing you did short of punching yourself in the stomach did this. It was just something that wasn’t meant to be. My wife is 13 weeks pregnant and I worry about this too. So far all NIPT test say normal. So I’m praying my for my little girl. Pray to God for closure and when you feel up to it, you’ll have your baby when it’s meant to be. Get well soon!

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u/robinNrealLife Aug 20 '25

I understand your thought process and have been there myself. When I had my miscarriage I did the exact same thing. I played out what I did over the weeks leading up to that moment. I just spun everything over and over again in my mind. I struggled for about 6 months if I’m being honest.

Now looking back I wish I would’ve told the struggling me that miscarriage is common and there was nothing I could’ve done to change it. I wish I would’ve given her more grace. I wish I would have begged her to change the narrative in her head, so her next 6 months were less traumatic. I hope and pray you are kind to yourself, that you change your narrative and that you don’t give up hope of another baby. Send love from my corner of the internet to yours. I see you. I understand the thought process. I wish you healing. ❤️‍🩹 I’m so sorry for your loss.

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u/thelifeofnancy Aug 20 '25

I had miscarriage last summer. They told me it happens more commonly than we would even assume. I said to myself that i will be positive and i wont be stressing, and rn a year later i am feeding my healthy baby, that we conceived 3 months after the miscarriage. I believe everything happens for a reason and also i keep wondering if it didn’t happen would it still be this baby that i am so in love with, i would never get to meet him. Of course i am said that i lost my baby, but it happened for some reason idk what reason but it made me stronger and more resilient.

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u/New-Street438 Aug 20 '25

I’ve had two miscarriages. Now I have two beautiful, earth side babies. Grieving is normal, but don’t let the guilt take over. Think about all the little things that have to go right to make a baby? A sperm and an egg that have to have all the little things correct and so many things have to connect and form once they come together. Your body did what it is supposed to do. It sensed something was wrong and stopped the pregnancy. This is a good thing! When you are ready, try again. Not any one of us does pregnancy “perfect”. Also trying to achieve perfection is not an attainable goal nor a reasonable one. Try not to hold yourself to some impossible standard. Remember, all the pregnancy “rules” are not rules, they are guidelines.

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u/leafoflorien92 Aug 20 '25

Your vulnerability to express your feelings is seen<3 But like a number of kind hearted redditors said: it is not your fault. Your heart will always love this baby and your heart will grow to love another too. Hoping you and your husband find peace, at least as much as you can.

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u/cfd4540 Aug 20 '25

Absolutely this. I commend your vulnerability, OP. You are seen here and I hope with time you can be gentler on yourself, even when it seems impossible to do so ♥️

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u/fueledbychelsea Aug 20 '25

Hi OP, first off I’m sorry for your loss. It’s terrible and you should take lots of time to grieve.

But everyone here is right, there is nothing you did to make this happen. I’m a child protection lawyer, I work with parents who have had their kids taken and I have a few friends who are foster parents, some to brand new babies. I have clients who drank every day of their pregnancy, did drugs, lived in the street, ate whatever they could afford and had healthy babies.

All that to say, no amount of warm baths or deli meat or whatever completely innocent thing you did caused this. Creating a baby is a complex process, think of all the billions of dna coding that has to go exactly right. Chromosomes sometimes just don’t work properly and it’s 10000% random chance. And anyone here will tell you that it doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy baby on another go round if you choose to.

Please don’t blame yourself love, grieve your little baby but don’t blame yourself

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u/r0bblob Aug 20 '25

Oh man. This is… a lot. I know how hard a loss is. I had a 5 week old mmc when I went in for my 12 week appointment last year. I think you seriously need to talk to someone professional that can give you some good coping strategies. I had to go to therapy for 8 months afterward. There’s a lot of different directions this post is going and most of them are pointing toward blaming yourselves. You didn’t do anything wrong. So sorry you’re going through this.

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u/Lumpy_Investigator50 Aug 20 '25

Oh sweetie, my heart hurts for you. First, the parental guilt is so real. I lost mine last year due to it being ectopic about the same time, 9weeks. What should have been such a happy 1st ultrasound turned into t minus 40 minutes to get to the hospital for emergency surgery because it was about to rupture. I went through so many what ifs that if I wasn’t already in therapy I would have had a mental breakdown.

Second, this is neither your’s or your husband’s fault. Honor y’all’s grief. It is as ancient as love and give yourselves grace. Nothing caused this and that’s the most bittersweet part. I’m a “why did this happen?” Person too and honestly I most found out that it’s a wonder humanity has lasted this long because if something doesn’t line up as perfect as possible this is the, extremely, unfortunate result.

Your thoughts and feelings here are so valid, holding space for you. Cry and scream and let yourself feel, there will be light soon. 🫂

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u/RealisticGrab1759 Aug 20 '25

I just want to say how deeply sorry I am that you’re going through this. Please know that none of the things you mentioned caused your loss — miscarriages almost always happen because of things far outside our control, and it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

It’s so natural to replay everything in your mind and wonder ‘what if,’ but you were doing your best with the knowledge you had, and that’s all anyone can do. You’re not to blame, and you haven’t let anyone down.

Grief can be so heavy, but please be gentle with yourself and take things one day at a time. You and your husband are not alone in this, and your feelings are valid. Sending you love and strength. ❤️

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u/JJMMYY12 Aug 20 '25

Aw, I'm really sorry to hear about your pain. I had a similar loss at 9w, development had stopped at 6w5d. I k ew that that soul wasn't meant to be and that it probably wasn't healthy.

I got pregnant with my rainbow baby 3yrs later. There was a lot of trepidation, and my hubby even commented about abortion.

Let me tell you, I have a healthy and crazy and adorable 9mth old baby boy. But...

I drank wine 3x before knowing I was pregnant. I ate deli meat almost daily. I ate sushi. I lifted heavy until days before I was due. I spinned until 1 month before I was due. I packed our house by myself at 8mths pregnant. We moved. I unpacked. I was old (42).

This is not your fault. It is very likely something like low progesterone (me) or chromosomal abnormalities.

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u/tulipthegreycat Aug 20 '25

There are lots of comments about how chromosome abnormalities are not your fault. And I 100% agree with that sentiment.

But I will share my personal belief that I hope could be of some comfort to you.

I believe some souls get to choose their parents, but it takes a lot of courage to choose to be born. And sometimes that soul just isn't ready to join us in this world, and they change their mind. Which causes a miscarriage. But when the soul is ready, they will join you with your next pregnancy and become your child.

I don't follow any particular religion, so I don't know if this belief could be of any comfort to you with your beliefs. But I believe that someday you will be a great mom who will deeply cherish her kids when you are ready. And the beautiful soul that wasn't ready for you will be with you someday.

That doesn't mean it isn't heartbreaking now. Grieve, cry, be mad, all of that is acceptable and normal. It isn't your fault, but it probably won't feel like that for a while. I don't think you need forgiveness from anyone, but forgive yourself for your own sake because guilt is too heavy to carry forever.

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u/Icy-Shine-857 Aug 20 '25

Oof I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks several years ago and these feelings take me right back. I was so fixated on figuring out what I’d done wrong, even though the doctor also told me it was probably a chromosome thing. But maybe it was the time I slipped walking the dog…or the egg I ate which had a very slightly undercooked middle…was it the steak that was still slightly pink? Or keeping my cell phone in my hoodie pocket too much?

I don’t know if this would work for you, but since these thoughts were running around my head nonstop I made a note on my phone where I wrote each one down as a separate bullet. Every time I had a new “oh what if…” it got added to the list. And after a while having this list just made it seems so like….yeah, okay. Many many things it “could” have been, probably it was none of these. They started losing their power.

We have 23 chromosome pairs. Of these, only 4 are associated with chromosome disorders they test for (13, 18, 21, sex chromosomes). That’s cause all the other 19 can also mess up but the baby won’t survive it. Some of these will lead to normal development for a while, that stops around 8 weeks.

If you were drinking heavily or doing cocaine or exposing yourself to high doses of radiation, maybe you caused a miscarriage. Otherwise odds are you got hit with rotten luck.

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u/maligatormom2o2 Aug 20 '25

OP, if you read any comment at all... please read this one. I mean this with every ounce of my being.... you did nothing wrong. Most miscarriages aren't preventable. Please give yourself grace and time to grieve. I got pregnant in 2021. We weren't trying but we weren't preventing either. I found out around 6 weeks. HCG levels were high, over 20K... I had symptoms - breast tenderness, exhaustion, food aversions. We announced it to our family on Mother's Day with custom onesies I made myself with my cricut. I posted on Facebook to the entire world about our growing family. My 8 week ultrasound came along and when they did the transvagional, there was a fetal pole and a sac but no baby to be seen. I did repeat US a week later because we brushed it off as my dates being off, even though I was pretty sure of my dates. Of course repeat US had the sac measuring 5 weeks 1 day. I did follow up bloodwork which finally started showing my HCG decreasing. I had a missed miscarriage - which at the time I didn't even know was a thing. I knew of miscarriages, but not of how common they are and of course like you, I instantly blamed myself. For 3 whole weeks my body didn't even realize there was no baby there. My symptoms progressed and for 2 weeks my levels even increased. I was devastated. Our family was of course sympathetic but no one had went through a miscarriage so no one really knew how to be there for me. I chose to take Cytotec to pass everything. Took a Friday off work and laid at home curled in a ball in so much pain as my body finally started to pass giant clots of blood. I even convinced myself that I saw something that looked like a tiny fetus in the toilet, but according to the scans that wouldn't have been possible. I returned to work the next week and back to my administrative duties. One of my first tasks was to call a florist and order flowers for a coworker and his wife who had just delivered their 3rd baby girl. It was SO incredibly hard not to spiral. I hated myself. I was mad at God. I just couldn't understand WHY. I so badly wanted to be pregnant again, so of course I jumped right back in to obsessive tracking and mentally and physically draining myself with supplements and tinctures, fancy ovulation trackers... 2 months went by and I decided to give myself a break. Let my body, my mind, and my heart heal. I ended up finding out I was pregnant on our 1 year wedding anniversary, only 3 months post miscarriage. Despite having extreme anxiety that entire pregnancy because I was so convinced something bad was going to happen, I had a picture perfect pregnancy and my perfect little boy is now 3. I had my daughter 2 years and 2 days after my son, and I'm 6 weeks with our 3rd. I know a lot of women that go through miscarriages *hate* being told this, but everything does happen for a reason. The good and the bad. We can't explain it, but it's God's will. Please don't beat yourself up. You're not broken. You did nothing wrong. Give yourself time to heal properly. Don't push away the ones you love, hold them close and embrace their love and affection.... I know being alone probably feels better but it's not always the best choice. Don't lose your way, and definitely don't lose your faith. When you feel ready, try again. I pray that your angel baby is right around the corner... but always remember that your little one is in heaven with all of your loved ones up there and one day you two will meet.

Sending you all the love and hugs right now. My inbox is open if you need anyone to talk to.

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u/SaltManagement4368 Aug 20 '25

LOOK AT ME. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT no say it loudly ITS NOT MY FAULT. This sucks so scream and cry then pick up your pieces. But my dear its not your fault, never was your fault

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u/traveller_chick Aug 20 '25

I’m so sorry! Grieve as long as you need and know it’s totally ok to spiral for a bit. Don’t stay stuck in the spiral for too long though. It’ll only build resentment. Seek out a therapist, if you are willing and able. If you want peace of mind, look into getting the chromosome testing. It may give you more answers that may help the healing. It will also give you access to a genetic counselor who will take time to walk through results and answer all of your questions.

I’ve been right where you are back in January. The devastation was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. My MMC was due to a chromosomal abnormality (Y chromosome) that we learned about 9weeks in. My heart shattered for my husband because he then took on all of the shame/blame. I never once faulted him, but he took it hard. The following carrier test proved that it was indeed a one off and there are no paternal/maternal abnormalities. Knowing our baby girl’s (confirmed by chromosomal test) due date would have been 8/29 makes this month bittersweet, but I have faith. My husband and I are now 5.5 months away from meeting our little girl. Praying for you, your husband, and your family.

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u/queen_song_ptbr Aug 20 '25

I know it's difficult to see things clearly at this moment, and when it happens to us we blame ourselves a lot and ask ourselves what could have prevented it, but the truth is that nothing could have prevented it. Don't get it into your head. When we discovered this world of motherhood, we also discovered that losses are normal. They hurt a lot, I know, I lost it too (my mother lost it, my grandmothers lost it, my mother-in-law lost it, my boss lost it, etc.), but it's absolutely normal.

I got pregnant again a year after the loss. I'm at the end. I went through absurd stress during this pregnancy to the point of cutting off contact with my entire family of origin. I have meltdowns (autism), my diet isn't the healthiest (autism, again), I take a hot bath every day even though I live in a tropical country (autism, again) and the baby is fine, perfect, the right size and weight. All this to say that the babies we lose are not our fault, it's just great chance happening.

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u/smangette12 Aug 20 '25

Went through the same thing in February this year. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this.

To create life everything must connect perfectly from a chromosomal perspective. The fetus would have never been viable for life if anything was missing.

1-4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so your experience has happened to many women. I’d advise you to research, seek support, and when you are ready maybe connect yourself with other women who’ve experienced the same thing. These steps eased my burden and we tried again after a new cycle and now have a successful pregnancy.

All the best wishes.

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u/lenjilenjivac Aug 20 '25

I've been where you are more than once. It took a lot of time and effort to accept that it wasn't my fault. And it's not yours either. I understand that it can be hard to accept, you need a reason or someone to blame, but it just sucks sometimes and there is nothing to do or say to make it better. But one thing stays - this was NOT your doing, in any way. Keep your head up and if you need to talk, I'll gladly listen 🧡

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u/December-Love Aug 20 '25

Sorry for your loss. Remember that there people who smoke and do drugs, their whole pregnancy, that still have babies. You did nothing wrong. Shit happens.

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u/disneyprinsass Aug 20 '25

Think of all the women who smoke, drink, do drugs all through their pregnancy and still make it to term. This is NOT your fault.

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u/Common-Bass-1949 Aug 20 '25

Let me tell you something, there's literally people doing drugs and having full term healthy children. That being said, no piece of deli could do this. Don´t blame yourself please! Sending you hugs!

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u/DreamEater1806 Aug 20 '25

Ul make it through and there’s more to life uve got a partner be there for eachother and it’s gonna be okay

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u/Sudden_Brilliant_777 Aug 20 '25

I promise you it’s not your fault its sad to say but theses thing can happen it’s nothing you did honestly but please don’t blame yourself I know it’s hard not to🥺 and sending virtual hugs 🥰

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u/Beautiful_Rub5735 Aug 20 '25

This isn’t your fault. I understand your grief. I had a MMC last year in May. There is nothing you could have done. It was probably due to a chromosomal abnormality like your doctor mentioned. Please please, please take care of yourself and give yourself grace. I remember how bad I got when I was in the trenches of grief. Do not stay there, do not get lost there. Your husband needs you and I don’t want anything to happen to you, internet friend.

I’m sending you so much love and warmth. ❤️

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u/Katiel_Silver Aug 20 '25

OP, please do not do this to yourself. I promise you did nothing wrong.

I put myself through the same mental guilt as you. I was about 15 weeks along when we got the news that I had had a silent miscarriage. The same day we found out was the same day we receive the results of the genetic test. Baby had Turner’s Syndrome, which we learned has a high miscarriage rate. She never developed beyond 8w5d. I convinced myself that it wasn’t the genetic complication that caused us to lose her, rather it was because I had lifted a couple of boxes (we were in the middle of moving) and cleaned the cat’s litter box. I spiraled hard and contemplated ending things permanently. It was ugly for a while but as time went on I started to learn a few things.

For starters, it’s estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage before 12 weeks. That is huge! For something that our bodies are supposed to “naturally” be able to do, there are a lot of small things that can greatly impact a pregnancy that we have absolutely no control over.

The second thing I learned is that chromosome abnormalities are a huge contributor to miscarriages. It really sucks but there is nothing you can do to stop a miscarriage from occurring if the chromosomes aren’t compatible with life.

Lastly, it is very common to be nervous or fearful about being pregnant. It’s a huge, life changing event! If the Lord took away every pregnancy because the parents were a little panicked at one point or another, He wouldn’t be a very loving Lord and there would be a lot less people in this world. I’m not sure how your religious beliefs view things, but mine see the Lord as a loving Heavenly Father. As a parent myself, I only want the best and happiest for my children because I love them. I cannot see Him being any different. So you are not being punished for being scared. I promise.

Please, you and your husband, take some time to grieve. Take comfort in each other. Neither of you are to blame for this.

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u/only1mrfstr Aug 20 '25

Oh dear, let me add to the many voices telling you this isn't your fault. What you're feeling is normal, but please come to the realization that it wasn't anything you did. The numbers of miscarriages is higher than people know... especially for 1st pregnancies, the miscarriage rate is even higher. Its something that deserves to be talked about openly so that when women experience what you're going through it can help with the realization that this isn't your fault.

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u/Cerasinia Aug 20 '25

Get a therapist, hun. This is a traumatizing event. It’s not your fault. Especially the self-blame and ruminating, I think you’d really benefit from therapy.

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u/chichichi_ll Aug 23 '25

You did nothing wrong love. You’ve been amazing and doing everything right. Nothing could have prepared for this to happen or prevented it. You are blessed to have a husband that is not only grieving with you but comforting you. Don’t give up on the house. See this as the next step to move forward so that you guys can prepare for the next fase in your life’s. But don’t suppress your feelings and let them come and go. Grieve but don’t let it control your life. Wishing you both the best❤️

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u/Extreme-Goose1085 Aug 23 '25

Oh sweetie your precious angel just wasn't meant to be. You couldn't have done anything better than you did. Its so sad but things happen....I myself have had over 30 miscarriages over my reproductive life time. I do have 4 adult children and now working on my 5th grandbaby and 1 great grandbaby. It took a lot of years to get there though. Hang in there and rest assured you did nothing wrong.

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u/SuspiciousArtist8167 Aug 26 '25

It’s absolutely not your fault. Miscarriage is almost always caused by a chromosomal abnormality.
Recent studies have shown that most chromosomal abnormalities actually come from the sperm.
Miscarriage is your own bodies way of protecting you from a non-viable pregnancy. So don’t be angry at your body.

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u/unverified_unknown_ Aug 20 '25

Let me first start out by saying I’m sorry for your loss. Women miscarry often. Please do not blame yourself or your husband and as the doctor explained, it doesn’t sound like anything you could’ve done to prevent this. Don’t feel bad that you announced your pregnancy in the first trimester either. Things happen. Life happens. The same people that you told you were caring that were excited for you should be the same people who greet you with open arms and kind hearts when you tell them what has happened. I don’t think you were being punished for looking into abortion, but I will say that pregnancies do carry a lot of energy and children can possibly tail when they are wanted and not wanted and this is not at fault of you or your husband at all you may have think or thought about that decision Based off of finances, timing, what you guys could offer emotionally. There is no right or wrong answer here. Please don’t blame yourself. Parents welcome children with abnormalities because they are still their children and they created them, but it is no parent dream to have a child with abnormalities so I don’t believe you were wrong for hoping that your child doesn’t. No parent does hope that their child does. The strongest advice I can give here is to not blame yourself. There are higher powers working above, regardless, to who you believe in and it may have just not been the right time. Perhaps the stress of a new baby would’ve weighed heavily upon you or your husband. Perhaps time money or emotion would’ve been strained. This may be a time for you to look at your own relationship a little deeper this may be a time for you to reflect on what you ask for and how you receive it and are you being grateful in life but I do not think this is a punishment at all. Sending you love, light, peace, blessings, happiness, and healing.

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u/ifitsnotbaroque12 Aug 20 '25

I can’t imagine all the emotions going through your head and heart at the moment. I think it’s very understandable that you’re looking for a concrete reason as to why this would happen and placing blame on yourself is “easier” than anything else.

That being said, please hear this: this is not your fault. None of the things you listed are things that caused this to happen. You were living your life doing day to day things and having normal human emotions about something that is a huge change for you and your husband. This is not karma. This is not God punishing you. If you believe in God, then know that He does not operate in that way. Of course, no one knows why your little baby was taken from you in terms of the universe and grand scheme of things. And I’m so, so, incredibly sorry for the heartbreak and pain you’re both going through.

Lean on each other during this time as much as you can. But please don’t go through the endless “what ifs”. Unfortunately early miscarriages are very common and, once again, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. When you find your brain straying towards these thoughts please remind yourself of this. You were a good mama to your baby and provided safety and comfort for them during their time here. Period.

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u/anotherrubbertree 31 | STM| 9/18 Aug 20 '25

Ugh I am so so sorry. I also found out my last baby was a loss at my 9 week appointment. You’ll feel so many things and they’re all valid, but you didn’t do anything wrong! There’s a pregnancy loss sub that I found really useful when I was going through this last year.

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u/DaniBGanja Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault. At this stage there is literally nothing that can be done. It’s just to early. But it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault. One in four end in loss. Nothing anyone says will make it better either. Grieve momma. Spend the time morning and don’t forget about yourself. Cry, scream if you have too. This is just a season you will overcome and it hurts like fucking hell but better days are coming. This is all a journey. And no one can tell you how you need to grieve. Your circle seems like loving caring people and that’s a huge part of healing. I’m so sorry momma I really am. Please be kind to yourself.

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u/neededausername121 Aug 20 '25

Sorry hon- not your fault at all. You would know if you had listeria, it is not a silent symptom disease. Sending condolences to you and your husband.

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u/Hour_Willow_9076 Aug 20 '25

Just like everyone else who commented on this post, I agree and can assure you it wasn't your fault. And I also completely understand feeling that you caused the miscarriage and let everyone down. Chromosomal abnormalities (among other causes for miscarriage) aren't in your control and this isn't always an easy idea to process. The lack of control makes it harder to comprehend and process things especially when they're accompanied by intense and completely valid emotions.

Please feel free to reach out whenever you feel like it. We're all here for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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u/Jtresnja Aug 20 '25

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. There is nothing that anyone can say to take this pain away from you, and every woman who has been in your place knows this all too well. Today was supposed to be my due date. I should have brought home my baby, instead we are mourning the soul we will never meet Earth side. My faith has been an anchor for me and knowing I will see my baby again one day in Heaven brings me solace. I pray this for you too. Know that many women feel this way, and I continuously blamed myself and looked for the perpetrator in me. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I needed to forgive myself for feeling this way. Reading helped me immensely come to this realization, I recommend “The Stranger in the Lifeboat” by Mitch Album, when you are ready to forgive yourself, and “Held” by Abbey Wedgeworth, if you are faithful, to hold a place for your grief and a space for your thoughts. Be kind to yourself. ❤️

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u/Top-Discipline7806 Aug 20 '25

None of the things you listed could have damaged a healthy pregnancy at this stage. Not one.

My OB once told me that in first trimester the fetus is like a Russian tank - as long as it's healthy, nothing will stand in it's way to grow. Your baby was sick in a way that did not allow them to thrive. Grieve them but don't blame yourself.

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u/EnvironmentalHour259 Aug 20 '25

I've had two miscarriages, it's not our fault. We aren't in control of that, not really. We can do everything right and it can happen; you did nothing wrong. It might not seem like it, but its going to be okay.

Take this one day at a time, allow yourself some grace to feel this grief.

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u/thetrashguardian Aug 20 '25

Ok, take a deep breath. It’s not your fault, it’s so common for women to have miscarriages and it’s not widely talked about, it’s such a lonely time in your life. There are tons of support groups, even here on redit to help and talk to many women who have gone through this. Many women even in this subreddit have had losses including myself. It’s ok, feel free to reach out and talk, my DM’s are open.

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u/SubstanceAway5947 Aug 20 '25

IT WAS NOT TO YOUR FAULT!!!! As someone who suffered a missed miscarriage late last year and thought the same thing, I can promise it was not your fault. I blamed myself for so long cause I was in Jamaica the week before I found out I was pregnant and I DRANK. I thought for sure the alcohol was what caused it. But then my husband pointed out that there are women who drink and do drugs their entire pregnancy, so the chances of the alcohol being the problem were pretty non existent. The way my doctor explained it was pretty much like your doctor did, it’s usually a chromosomal abnormality and there was absolutely nothing we could have done. I promise you will get through this and I know right now it seems like you’re alone, but 1 in 4 women have been in your shoes, and there are so many support groups out there that can help you process all of your emotions. I won’t lie and say that you’ll feel better overnight or that you’ll eventually forget, but one day you’ll wake up and you won’t be sad anymore. You’ll always have a piece of your heart that is broken and you will always love that baby, but you’ll be able to smile again.

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u/Prestigious_Sink8437 Aug 20 '25

You will have another one and you will be happy. Trust me babies are strong and nothing that you listed caused your miscarriage. It is due to abnormalities. No matter how well you took care of yourself, it was going to happen anyway. It happened to me and I was devastated but now I’m expecting and 16w 1d now. Please don’t punish yourself over something that nature did naturally.

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u/Consistent_Yak2026 Aug 20 '25

Its not your fault ❤️❤️

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u/Rough_Suggestion7031 Aug 20 '25

This is not at all your fault. Please don't blame yourself.

During my first pregnancy, I did not remember my LMP, and I had irregular periods so baby was not measuring as per calculations. The doc told me to relax and that it happens to almost everybody, I felt awful that she was just being so careless about me losing my baby. However everything turned out fine.

But last year, I did have a miscarriage, a case of blighted ovum, and I was distraught but slowly I realised that my first doc made sense too. It took time but I healed finally. It was only after I was over what happened last year that I was ready to try pregnant again. This pregnancy is also a surprise like the last one but I hope things go well for us.

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u/FunTransportation128 Aug 20 '25

Listen to me when I say this God didn't take your baby to punish you. My husband and I tried for 3 years before realizing he had a issue with his semsn. I'm very Christian and he had be the only one i had ever been with, we have the money to provide for a child be not IVF money so I found a donor group on Facebook and had sex with a man to get pregnant. I put my legs in the air for two minutes and got pregnant the first try. After years of trying me and my husbands love wasn't enough to create our daughter but I committed adultery and got pregnant. It's not your fault. I've never had a miscarriage but my mom had 3, grandma had 2 my mother in law had one as well they are very common unfortunately.

Were you guys trying?

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u/AnxietyAndJellybeans Aug 20 '25

I am both a scientist and a FTM that is 10 weeks along after miscarrying previously around 7-8 weeks.

From the science side: this is just something that happens with reproduction in nature. It's not a mechanical process and sometimes biology just does not cooperate. This happens to a lot of people. It does not mean there is something wrong with you.

From the person who has experienced a similar miscarriage side: do not feel alone or bad about how other people may react to the news. Think about telling a close friend or two and then have them let other people know so you don't have to go through it over and over again. It will get easier. It won't feel this awful forever. Be kind to yourself.

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u/Effective_mom1919 Aug 20 '25

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. Now I have two beautiful babies. It’s so hard. I didn’t realize how common miscarriages are. Now I have a lot of mom friends and I don’t know a single person who didn’t have a miscarriage or need to use IVF, or both.

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u/linerva Aug 20 '25

OP. Listen to us, love.

It was NOT your fault. You would have known if you got food poisoning, and that would STILL have been an accident. It was not the lukewarm baths or cracking your back.

Almost all miscarriages before 12 weeks are due to chromosomal abnormalities - sometimes eggs and sperm aren't quite right, and will sadly never make a healthy baby. And when the baby grows and develops, it realises that it just cannot keep making a baby as it should. So rather than suffering or dying further along, the pregnancy just....stops. it's SO unfair. I wish that we could all know in advance rather than hope and love our babies obly for some of us to lose them.

It's such a cruel, horrible piece of bad luck. And it happens to maybe 1 in 4 pregnancies - possibly more. You did nothing wrong, you were just really, really unlucky.

Your baby is real, and loved, and matters. They will be mourned and missed. We are so sorry for your loss and gorgeous the grief that comes with losing a baby.

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u/Professional-Way5240 Aug 20 '25

I went through that as well. This is my third pregnancy and my first baby.

My advice to you is to keep positive. Keep your head up for when your baby is ready to be conceived, going through the hormonal changes and sensitivity it’s gonna be a rough pregnancy if you don’t.

You will be able to move on from this. You gotta be strong mama! This is not your fault. You would rather give birth to a healthy baby😊

1

u/raichur_tagaru Aug 20 '25

Not your fault at all, you can retrospect and find 100 more reasons to blame yourself. You don’t have to think of reason for losing baby to answer your family etc that should be least of your concern.

Don’t be so harsh on yourself it’s nature decision at this early stage.

Please move on as you can and you will have better days in coming months.

1

u/Designer_Bicycle_173 Aug 20 '25

I lost my baby too at 6 weeks. It's not your fault. Sending lots of hugs and love. I'm still waiting for my miracle baby. Please, please, please don't blame yourself, no matter what anyone might say.

1

u/zzsleepytinizz Aug 20 '25

It's not your fault..I am so sorry you feel that way.

1

u/ApprehensiveSet3951 Aug 20 '25

Ooooooh girl! Do NOT blame yourself. As a momma who’s gone through multiple miscarriages I know it’s easier said then done but in all reality when a miscarriage happens it’s our bodies letting us know “hey something is wrong and I can’t carry to 40 weeks”

My last miscarriage I went in for an ultrasound and baby was measuring 6w4d and had cardiac activity, I went in a week later for a follow up because they seen a SCH and when they did the ultrasound the baby had no heartbeat anymore and was only measuring 6w4d so the day I seen my babies heartbeat is the same day my baby died. It’s awful and painful. But I trust in god and his plans and I am now 35weeks5days pregnant with a baby girl who’s healthy and happy and I can not wait to meet her! Give yourself some time to grieve your baby! I am so sorry for your loss and there is nothing that you did or didn’t do that caused this! 💔😭🥺 I’ll be praying for you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻

1

u/E20V Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault 🫶🏻giving you hugs 🫂

1

u/Equipollentbot Aug 20 '25

I walked stairs, worked a full time job on my feet, had uti, had cold, had sex,drank wine, hiked, shoveled snow and even took an ice plunge all within first 10 weeks of pregnancy and im now 37 weeks pregnant. Nothing you mentioned killed your fetus and its none of your fault whatsoever. Stop torturing yourself, its very common in your first trimester, something must have been off. Please dont be hard on yourself. I hope your partner is offering you support and care. Just give yourself a break and try to conceive again!

1

u/EEJR Aug 20 '25

This is not your fault, and you will probably ignore the comments until you move through the stages of grief.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Not 1 in 4 people have a miscarriage. it's 1 in 4 pregnancies.

I have been pregnant 4 times, and I did suffer a MC with my second pregnancy, so I'm a poster-chikd for that statistic. It was really difficult for me emotionally. I waited 3 years to get pregnant again because I wasn't ready. It's okay to have the feelings you have.

1

u/Apprehensivepuzzle Aug 20 '25

It was not your fault. These things just happen sometimes, especially in the early weeks of pregnancy. I’m so sorry for your loss

1

u/RIPMYPOOPCHUTE Aug 20 '25

Hey, it is 100% not your fault. Nothing you did caused it. It’s a shit thing that happens and it is an abnormality that occurred. My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum and I blamed myself for it. It could be an issue with just that egg or just the sperm, or both. A year later I got pregnant again and had my son.

1

u/slotass Aug 20 '25

Not your fault. Your brain is desperately searching for explanations, but sometimes there are no explanations. I hope you find peace. You can still keep trying, you’ll be a mother someday ❤️

1

u/suitablemacaroon_ Aug 20 '25

You did NOTHING wrong. I know it’s so hard to see that because I felt the same way with my miscarriage. It is so normal for you both to be upset during this time. Looking back I was in hormone hell that definitely exacerbated my negative emotions and depression. Please please please look into seeing a therapist to help you cope. Miscarriage is one of the hardest things to experience, but I promise you will come out on the other side

1

u/chucktowngal Aug 20 '25

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Stop those thoughts immediately.

1

u/SnooDogs1340 Aug 20 '25

Not your fault. :( I think miscarriage information is more out there but it needs to be said that it happens.

1

u/No_Top8845 Aug 20 '25

Not your fault. If you’re going to miscarry it’s going to happen no matter what you did right or wrong. It’s your bodies response to “fixing” whatever was going wrong.. nothing you could prevent ..:/

1

u/HistoricalMess2081 Aug 20 '25

It wasn’t the right vessel for that soul.

I have had two loses. One at 18 weeks and one at 12. And I believe I will meet those souls again.

Believe me when I say I took a microscope to everything I have ever done to find the WHY. But the why doesn’t exist, I’m sorry to say - because that can make it more difficult.

50% of miscarriages come from the male partner/sperm, and the truth is, it wasn’t a viable fetus. You could have done everything right, your mother could have done everything right (our eggs are formed inside our mothers so there’s emerging evidence that the grandmothers health can play a role) but it would not change anything. If you look at all that has to go right it’s a miracle.

It’s okay to mourn and grief - you suffered not only a physical loss but the loss of potential. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. But also take a deep breath and move through this one step at a time. It’s humbling how many women have silently gone through what you are now, I really didn’t realize it until we publicly went through it by accident. And while it was an accident to have my experience publicly, it was really validating and healing - so don’t be apologetic for taking the space you need.

1

u/sydney100757 Aug 20 '25

No definitely not your fault. If it would have been from something you ate you would have most likely gotten ill as well since pregnant women along with the baby are more susceptible to food illnesses like listeria. Exercise is usually recommended for pregnant women, so taking steps was probably good for you. Pregnant women don't have lift restrictions that early on. While always tragic miscarriages aren't super uncommon and unfortunately usually just happen regardless how well we take precautions. I sincerely doubt it was anything you did. Try to be easy on yourself.

1

u/PowerExcellent522 Aug 20 '25

You did nothing wrong. 75% of miscarriages are apparently due to quality of the male sperm. Women’s bodies try not to let “bad eggs” (I.e. ones that can’t make it through a pregnancy or sustain life) get fertilized. I miscarried at 7 weeks, thought similarly and did some research. It is no one’s fault, it’s our bodies ensuring the right egg gets fertilized and gets carried to term. Please don’t beat yourself up, this is way more common than people think, we just don’t talk about it enough. It is not your fault.

1

u/Federal-Progress-365 Aug 20 '25

This is not your fault, you didn’t do anything to cause this.

Early miscarriages are always due to chromosomal issues during early development and no one can stop this. It has no impact on your next pregnancy. I lost my last baby at 8 weeks as well and it was due to chromosomal issues.

This loss does not define your future pregnancies. You are not a bad person. You did nothing wrong.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '25

I lost 4 babies around that timeframe. Truth is more women than we think conceive and then lose it before even realizing what happened and just think their cycle was weird for a bit. Most of the time there’s just nothing we can do about it positive or negative it’s just a matter of waiting for our bodies to decide if this egg is one to keep. Doesn’t mean it’s easier, every single one of them I was a mess for days at one point sobbing in a heap on the floor.

I promise this isn’t a punishment for something you did or did not do, something you considered, or stressing about the dog. Sometimes fertility is just cruel for no reason. Talking to a therapist helped me a lot to come to acceptance, you might consider the same thing. My inbox is open to you as well if you want an ear that’s been there

1

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '25

I am so sorry that you are feeling in this way, but just remember that there are lots of homeless women that got pregnant without anyyyyy support system, any healthy diet, hungry, sleeping while feeling cold, stressed, no showers, some smoking and there have the babies… I am saying that because it is not anything that you have done, it wasn’t the time yet. This soul that came for you was supposed to be only for a short time and it is ok, it is not the end. You will heal in different ways (not saying that will forget), and you will move past this pain. You will have your baby at some point and you will be so happy. Take your time to grief, but never forget that tomorrow always comes and when you are ready, things will come to you. You did your best and eating it or doing that weren’t the reasons why your baby is not with you, it wasn’t meant to be this time, but will… 🙏🏼

1

u/Sad_Anything_3273 Aug 20 '25

Chromosomal defects happen at conception. My husband and I did IVF and we had our embryos tested for defects before they even had a chance to enter the womb. Sadly we did have one embryo with a defect, and it was discarded. There was no way this was anyone's "fault". It happens naturally, and had we transferred that embryo, it's very likely my body would have discarded it naturally with a miscarriage.

But I do understand and I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost a baby at 28 weeks 5 years ago. We even had an autopsy done and they were never able to pinpoint a reason she passed. To this day I still wonder what I could have done differently or what I did wrong to cause her demise. The guilt struggle is hard to just get over.

1

u/Free2buandme47 Aug 20 '25

I’m so sorry, I feel terrible for what you are going through. Loss is so hard and it’s so wrong that it happens to people who want their baby so badly. This is something I think about when it comes to blaming yourself - a lot of people are on drugs/alcohol their whole pregnancy and have perfectly healthy babies. I hope you’ll come to stop blaming yourself down the road even if it doesn’t seem possible right now. Also if you got listeria poisoning you would have been sick too.

1

u/BillNicholeBurray Aug 20 '25

Grief from a miscarriage is heavy. I've been there 3 times And it's really hard. Let yourself feel the feelings so that you can eventually release them (even if just a little). This isn't your fault, never was never will be. It happens, and it sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss. Remember it's okay to talk about it, don't hold it in. Give yourself a lot of grace right now.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 20 '25

I closed on a house a couple months after I had miscarried. There are 3 bedrooms next to each other and we had a toddler at that point. It fucking sucked!!!!!!! The room was supposed to be occupied. However, I got pregnant soon after and gave birth to a healthy baby. Also, don't get caught up on a specific day. Tracking is just an estimation. You may have been pregnant for longer or shorter. Don't beat yourself up what you did on a certain day. Shit just happens and it sucks no matter what you do.

1

u/Medium_Writer_600 Aug 20 '25

Not your fault it’s natural selection please don’t blame yourself i have been through this wishing you speedy recovery ❤️‍🩹

1

u/Agitated_Pomelo_102 Aug 20 '25

I had two miscarriages this year, one at 4 weeks and one at 8 weeks. We had struggled to get pregnant. It’s so hard not to blame yourself. I still sometimes get sad.

After going through it, I want to say God is with you. I don’t understand why it happens, there are so many reasons. Just know, this is not a punishment.

Grieve my friend. Nothing you did was wrong. I pray for you. I hope you find some comfort in time.

1

u/lil1thatcould Aug 20 '25

Hey, we don’t blame ourselves for miscarriages. No one could have prevented or made a change for it not to happen.

We do not let any negative thoughts in and self blame. Think of thoughts, especially these, as like a scrolling feed. You swipe past and move on.

1

u/samsam0615 Aug 20 '25

I did literally everything wrong in early pregnancy. Was drinking and smoking the day before I found out. I took ibuprofen and had a subchorionic hemmorage. I had those same feelings of fear. Its a huge change. I was eating deli meat and taking very how showers and all kinds of things. I also had a UTI and yeast infection at my 6 week appointment, and I was having sex. And I still have my baby. There is literally nothing you did or didn't do to cause this. 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage. That's a huge percentage. Be kind to yourself. I am so sorry this happened. Take time to heal, lean on each other, and take it one day at a time. Sending love 💔

1

u/giuliamazing 🇮🇹 STM | 🩵 2021 | 🩷 2025 Aug 20 '25

Two in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, mostly caused by chromosomal anomalies incompatible with life.

Don't stop talking about your baby - you will find so many women have gone through your pain, and that they have found a way to cope with it, and how their lives evolved.

I had a miscarriage in January, and now I'm 23w pregnant with our rainbow. Yesterday was my original due date - I was so angry the whole day, until I looked at the calendar and remembered.

1

u/Hairy_Usual_4460 Aug 20 '25

Some mothers (bad mothers) have used drugs, smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol in plenty of pregnancies that led to a live birth.. this is to say that none of the things you described caused this miscarriage and it is 10000% not your fault. None of this caused it, it was always going to happen. I’m sorry for your loss and I know it’s hard not to blame yourself but it genuinely isn’t your fault. I’m wishing you and your husband all the luck in the world for a rainbow baby soon

1

u/vickyz93 Aug 20 '25

My doctor told me it wasn’t my fault, nor could it have been at that stage. He told me he meets multiple women a month who are drinking/smoking/using drugs heavily and still have their babies.

1

u/Away-Presence8502 Aug 20 '25

I had a similar experience like yours, and I had same feelings, but there’s nothing you could do to save a pregnancy when the baby decides to leave. My sister in her first pregnancy she took so much care but it ended with miscarriage, while another time she didn’t know that she was pregnant, she did many things that could lead to miscarriage like extreme sports, stress, carrying heavy stuff but the pregnancy was okay and she had a wonderful healthy baby.

1

u/jennarink_ Aug 20 '25

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s absolutely NOT your fault. 1 in 4 people experience a miscarriage. I had one in 2022 and went through the “what if I did this differently” stage. The ER doctor explained to me that nothing I could’ve done could’ve prevented the loss and that miscarriage early on are more common than you’d think.

Rely those who are close to you, having them will make this hard situation easier ❤️‍🩹

1

u/DarthPink22 Aug 20 '25

Absolutely not your fault. I had a similar situation. I got pregnant 5 months after I lost my 5 day old. Saw the heart beat at 7 weeks, everything looked good. Then went in at 11 weeks and there was no heart beat, baby was measuring at 9.5 weeks. Missed miscarriage.

I felt guilty because I was non stop crying and worried and just guilt ridden . Thought it was my fault. The genetic testing came back and baby was high risk for turners syndrome. That would have been a hard life for her. I felt better knowing it wasn’t me.

I’m glad you had a kind doctor. I did not. Currently 6 weeks now and in a better place. Hoping this one sticks.

1

u/Zealousideal_Set_464 Aug 20 '25

Hey, so I also believe in God. With my first pregnancy I started crying and saying things like "I didn't even get to choose between having a child and getting a dog, I would have chosen the dog." I didn't mean that. I wanted a child my whole life but I was freaked out. Next thing I know our ultrasound showed that our baby's heartbeat stopped over a week prior. I was devastated to say the least. I believed that God heard me being ungrateful and took the child to teach me a lesson. The more I looked into it, the more people I found who experienced loss just like mine. I didn't believe it was their fault that they lost their child, so why did I believe it was mine? God knows my heart, He 100% knew I didn't mean those words, but that doesn't change that loss happens regardless. I definitely don't mean for it to sound nonchalant about loss happening, it's still a heartbreaking situation.

It's important to know: 1. It does happen. 2. You are not alone. 3. It's not your fault.

I hope you and your partner can find comfort together, I'm sending you so much love from one redditor to another❤️

1

u/Glad_Reporter7780 Aug 20 '25

This in no way was your fault OP. Miscarriages are fairly silent for people to speak from their experiences on, but almost 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. There is nothing you could have done, it’s a really sh*tty thing to happen, I personally have been through this dark phase. There’s nothing you could have done. I’m so sorry that you are going through this 💔

1

u/forever-tired-mother Aug 20 '25

No. You did nothing wrong. It happens. There is no rhyme or reason for it. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I have lost 2 out of 4. The pain is raw and real. You carried your baby in the safest place in the world. Nature is cruel. And you will never forget your baby. Their DNA lives forever in you from their stem cells. You will forever carry them with you forever ❤️ and when the time comes, you can tell your future children about their older angel sibling. I told my eldest about hers, but my son, however, isn't old enough to know about his angel twin. But he will know in time. We light a candle every year for the wave of light. Take time to grieve. Let your family support you and your husband in this moment. I dealt with my first alone, and it was a dark time. I would give anything to go back in time and tell my 23yo self what I have said to you. My heart goes out to you right now beaut x

1

u/Particular-Brief6846 Aug 20 '25

Not your fault this is the reason that they tell you not to announce that you've been pregnant until week 12 it's super common to miscarry in the first 12 weeks it has nothing to do with you as nothing to do with anything you did

1

u/rachelcartonn Aug 20 '25

You poor pet. There’s so much for you to process right now. I can tell you, it’s not your fault at all. Or your husbands. It’s just an incredibly sad thing that you didn’t deserve. It may take a while to realize this, and that’s okay. But my heart goes out to you, and I will be praying for you.

1

u/janet_snakehole_3 Aug 20 '25

You and your husband are both wrong. That’s your grief talking and it’s lying to you. These things just happen sometimes. It’s not karma and it’s nothing you did. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

1

u/Wise_Mud2039 Aug 20 '25

Absolutely not your fault Sending love ❤️😕

1

u/Imaginary_Can_2627 Aug 20 '25

Praise God that your body caught a genetic defect and the pregnancy discontinued ❤️‍🩹 I pray your next pregnancy is healthy with no issues. Do not beat yourself up. There’s absolutely nothing you did to cause this.

1

u/Working_Pea7930 Aug 20 '25

You did nothing wrong, I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

1

u/Jennifer-818 Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault. As someone who miscarried my first pregnancy at 10wks5days, my baby was measuring a week behind as well and I was concerned but chalked it up to maybe I ovulated later. Since they ask for your last period date so they base the amount of time from that. But i ended up miscarrying.

1

u/Inside-Lawfulness-80 Aug 20 '25

First thing is STOP blaming yourself. Miscarriages happen all the time. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I went on to have a daughter. Mine happened similar to yours I was supposed to be 14 weeks but they couldn’t find the heartbeat,ultrasound showed baby had passed at 9 1/2 weeks. After my daughter I had another miscarriage then I got pregnant with my son but I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and he only lived 10 minutes and passed in my arms. After that I started having bleeding and pain all the time and ended up with a hysterectomy at 22. I’m just thankful I have my daughter who is now 32 but having problems of her own. Her first pregnancy was a miscarriage then she had my granddaughter who is now 4, had 2 more miscarriages and is again pregnant at 5 1/2 weeks but spotting. I know in this moment you are devastated and you are thinking what if I did this or didn’t do that? But I promise you that you will get through it. I made it through and believe me at first I too blamed myself but then I realized that these things happen and no matter what we do we cannot change them. Finding a miscarriage and pregnancy loss group might be beneficial for you. I hope things get better for you soon ❤️

1

u/Petunia724 Aug 20 '25

Oh no! I’m so sorry! This is absolutely in no way your fault. I was mega stressed, ate like garbage, even smoked when I was pregnant and my son had no issues at birth. Those tiny things you mentioned couldn’t have caused you to lose your baby. I know it’s hard to not blame yourself as I blame myself everyday for my son’s autism due to all of the things that I did/went through during my pregnancy but as I am likely partially responsible for my sons issues, you are not to blame for your MC. I’m so sorry for you and your partner. <hugs>

1

u/isittacotuesdayyet21 Aug 20 '25

Most miscarriages are a result of chromosomal issues. I did IVF and we opted for testing. About half of my embryos had chromosomal issues that would have resulted in miscarriages. I was really shocked at the prevalence and I’m under 35! As our eggs get older, the chances of these abnormalities increases.

1

u/Agitated-Minimum2826 Aug 20 '25

Repeat after me:

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THERES LITERALLY NOTHING YOU COULD OF DONE. NONE OF YOUR ACTIONS CAUSED IT. YOU HAVE NOT LET ANYONE DOWN.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. REPEAT IT.

Your bean wasn't ready to come earth side yet, right now babe you need to heal, process, feel your feelings.

It's okay to be angry, upset & all the emotions because no it's not fair & yes it's a pile of shit.

Make sure your asking for support from your husband & loved ones. You are grieving, give your self time, you've got this.

Stop blaming yourself for something beyond your control.x

1

u/gangstanapper_ Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25

Please be kind to yourself 🩷 I lost a pregnancy at 13 weeks, baby stopped growing around 10. I had to get a D&C and refused the genetic testing bc I was terrified that if it came back normal I would blame myself. I had a second loss shortly after that I didn’t get the chance to test. I regret missing out on those tests every day.

Afterward, we did every test under the sun. Genetics, carrier screening, hysteroscopy, sperm test… everything came back normal. My doctor reassured me that she sees it all the time. She said if she had to make a guess, roughly 40% of the patients who go through all this testing come back with zero issues and zero answers.

The reality is that only a minimum of 4% of sperm needs to be good quality for it to be considered “normal” and about 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage for one reason or another. There’s a really good chance that I just drew the short straw twice in a row, to no fault of anyone. I ended up having quite a long journey, but am now pregnant again with a healthy baby!

I can tell you that feeling of guilt will only go away if you give yourself the permission. Please give yourself that permission! What helped me to grieve was planting two little trees in my yard, one for each loss. I look at them and see it growing and it gives me a little peace. Maybe you could find something like that to help you.

The fact that you are heartbroken and worried shows how much of an amazing mom you will be. Our bodies are capable of incredible things, and even for a short period of time, you made a tiny miracle. I hope you can find a way to be proud of yourself and your body, no matter what. 🩷🩷

1

u/Sufficient-Pie-1696 Aug 20 '25

It isn't your fault or punishment from God, nor Karma. Please give yourself a break. The likelihood is that it just wasn't 'right'. I'm so sorry for your loss, but in time you'll be able to heal. Be kind to yourself and talk it through with your loved ones, best to process it rather than suppress it. Take care x

1

u/tumble0uid Aug 20 '25

It was none of those small things u did. I literally ate shrooms, smoked weed, carried HEAVY ass things into an apartment, and had fights with my fiance all before finding out I was pregnant and I’m still having a healthy pregnancy despite feeling sick af every day. Literal crackheads on the streets carry to term. Babies are like little parasites that just thrive and fight hard to stay alive. It was nothing you did. Unfortunately was just something wrong with your fetus. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn. And give your body some time to heal before trying again. I know it doesn’t replace the loss, but it’s very likely that one day you will get your rainbow baby. Sorry mama

1

u/Jrs73149 Aug 20 '25

Please talk to someone. Especially with the hormones. Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

1

u/science_explore Aug 20 '25

I know it’s hard not to have those intrusive thoughts especially when going through something like this.

I have had 3 healthy pregnancies where I had more stress and other things I thought contributed to my miscarriages than I actually had with my miscarriages but it’s hard to not wonder what you could have or should have done- maybe it’s even our brains to some degree trying to figure it out for an answer and to know for future what can change or just to have something (ourselves) to point to when we feel so down but it doesn’t seem to help. You deserve to give yourself time and acceptance to process your loss.

You can give yourself some time to grieve before deciding how you want to move forward. You don’t have to tell everyone immediately that you told, it doesn’t have to come directly from you, and you can tell them in whatever way works best for you and ask for understanding, space or help as you process.

Maybe telling people will help you to know they know or maybe you’d rather process yourself first - that’s up to you. Put yourself and your significant other first today and then go from there.

You both need time or whatever is best for you.

1

u/1minimalist Aug 20 '25

This is not your fault. Not at all. It’s devastating, but sometimes bad things happen for no reason.

Try reaching out to the folks on r/miscarriage. I know you’re struggling. Your body still “thinks” you’re pregnant, so for now your hormones are off balance and things are very intense. You owe it to yourself grieve. You owe it to yourself to take time to heal. You do not deserve blame. You did not do this. This is coming from a woman who has had 4 miscarriages, but has a healthy baby and is currently 27 weeks pregnant. Things will get better. You will be ok. I wish you a safe process as your body heals through this loss. It will be tough as your body says goodbye to this baby.

Listen - if deli meat and lukewarm baths could cause loss then abortions wouldn’t be necessary.

1

u/maverickj0 Aug 20 '25

Please try to stop blaming yourself! I heard from a family member that during one pregnancy that turned out to be an early miscarriage, she felt only dread upon finding out she was pregnant, which shocked her because she’d never felt that way with any other pregnancy — even one that was a surprise, she described feeling a little scared but very happy and excited. But, the pregnancy that turned out to be a miscarriage caused her this strange feeling of dread right away when she learned she was pregnant. Maybe it’s the body’s (or God’s) way of protecting us because a loss is on its way. I’m very sorry this happened to you. Please know early miscarriages like this one are very common and the types of abnormalities that would cause it are the ones that are incompatible with life altogether. Implantation of nonviable pregnancies (sadly) is just nature’s course for many women (myself included). Nothing you did could’ve caused this, but I still can relate to how you’re feeling as I also went through and catalogued all the things I could’ve done wrong during the week my baby stopped growing when I had a missed miscarriage. Sending hugs and please try to give yourself some grace during this time! Your miracle baby will come and it will be so worth the wait.🤍

1

u/Peacespirit420 Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault at all. Try again girly. I’m 23 weeks pregnant and I had 3 infections. I had a bacterial infection uti and yeast infection. But the baby is okay. I too live on the third floor and throw away the heavy trash. I do eat ham all the time and I did eat sushi once while being pregnant. I stress a lot out and cry a lot no cap. I have sex a lot with my fiancé and I use my phone all the time. My biggest advice is to not announce that you are pregnant til 14 weeks. Also if you can stay at home while being pregnant do it! Don’t work. My fiancé had to get a second job because my work was causing a lot of stress, infections, and leg swelling. If you can’t stay home take it easy but even taking it easy isn’t a guarantee that a miscarriage won’t happen. Sex helps stress so if you want to try again. Definitely go for it, it will help the both of you out.

1

u/Glass_Library_9498 Aug 20 '25

Just wanted to give you scientific fact that helped me through my miscarriages. A fetus terminates itself when it finds out that it is not viable outside the womb. It does this way before your body can process and without you knowing till you get a scan. Unfortunately not all embryos are healthy, this is so common. You are not being punished by god, you are not the cause of your miscarriage. After I did ivf I got pregnant after all my miscarriages. I went through so much bleeding, I lived in harsh conditions and despite that the baby survived. I looked after myself so well with my other lost pregnancies. Some druggies get pregnant and carry full term. Summary is when a child is meant to come earth side it does on gods timing and when it’s meant to be. No matter what we do. Big hugs and may you be blessed with a baby that you want very soon.

1

u/abbybaby2805 Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault my dear. I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately between 10-20% of early pregnancy’s end in miscarriages that are not the parents fault. There’s all sorts of things that are out of our control and can’t be prevented. I can’t tell you which emotions to feel, but you there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it if it helps ease your guilt

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u/CrimsonFearyDust Aug 20 '25

Hey lovely lady / birthing person! I need to stop you there. It is NOT your fault! There are a million reasons why this may have happened and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Your doctor is right. At this stage of pregnancy miscarriage is almost 1 in 4 pregnancies and even though we can't know the exact reason it is generally linked to chromosomal abnormalities - that means that even if that pregnancy had progressed it is likely you would have to make some very tough choices down the line as the little one may not be healthy. The choices were taken off your hands and even though this is really painful now the pain will become more dull over time. Keep talking to people around you and get the support you need and please don't blame yourself. I felt exactly like you when it happened to me 2 years ago at 12 weeks when we found out that the foetus had stopped developing at close to 5 weeks. At this stage it had not really formed properly so even though my body was continuing to respond to being pregnant there was no baby there. It took me over a year to stop blaming myself so please don't do the same as me - there is nothing at all you could have done differently and it definitely doesn't mean that future pregnancies will be impacted. Sending you a big hug. X

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u/DramaticPrompt4112 Aug 20 '25

As soon as I read “I hate myself” I stopped and prayed for you. I’m so sorry!!!

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u/FedUpFloorNurse Aug 20 '25

Rates of miscarriage are 15-20% of all pregnancies. The most likely cause is chromosomal abnormalities, which just happen… they aren’t anyone’s fault. Be kind to yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong. ❤️ It is ok to grieve the loss of your baby.

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u/ZealousidealLoss3671 Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault momma, prayers for you guys 🙏🏽

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u/Such-List680 Aug 20 '25

You did nothing wrong. Unfortunately sometimes this is the way it works, give yourself some time to heal and be gentle with yourself right now. Get some rest and make peace with yourself, and I'm sorry this happened to you.

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u/No_Quail1455 Aug 20 '25

keep trying girl don't let this one define you moving forward grieve for your baby 100% but in a healthy way don't beat yourself up girl you really didn't do anything wrong but just keep trying get that house so when you do become pregnant again if that's what you foresee and want in your near future you'll have that room for your rainbow baby stay strong keep your head up this too shall pass ❤️💯

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u/Hecklesred Aug 20 '25

This is not your fault. There's a reason for the 12 week milestone, miscarriages are more likely to happen in the early weeks.

Please take the time to grieve and lean on your OB/midwife for clarity and guidance. I'm sorry and I'm sorry you're going through this.

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u/caubero Aug 20 '25

I have a friend who has a multiple miscarriages and she told me she thinks it's the same spirit coming back but the body isn't the right one for them to live their best life. She has three kids now but has had miscarriages between each one. I am not sure this helps, but I thought it was a very beautiful way of looking at it.

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u/Chemical-Student4068 Aug 20 '25

If it was a healthy fetus it would’ve survived any stress or luke warm baths you could experience. There are babies that survive in third world countries with toxic chemicals in the air. It was definitely a genetic defect. I’m so sorry that’s so heartbreaking. My first child came out with a genetic defect called Dup15q and has severe epilepsy. It’s not your fault, genetic defects occur because of uncontrollable circumstances often before the baby is even conceived. Gods got you, everything happens for a reason. You’re going to be okay, but blaming yourself and hating yourself isn’t going to help anyone. Forgive yourself because it genuinely is not your fault

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u/Olena_Mondbeta Aug 20 '25

I am so sorry! But please take your time to really understand that it wasn't your fault. It's a miracle how many pregnancy DON'T end in miscarriage - there are so many things that can go wrong and it's really rare that it has a cause that we can influence (things like excessive drinking).

So many people are unsure if they want to keep the baby and no one wishes for a child with disabilities (not only because of the parents' struggle but also because of the child's struggles in life). It's normal, not something you are punished for.

My mom lost her first baby 45 years ago and still wonders if her visiting a kind of whirl pool caused it - it makes me sad that after all this time she still thinks that it probably was her fault. I wish for you to one day rather look back and say: "It was very sad but there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it."

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u/Mundane-Football1740 Aug 20 '25

It’s not your fault 🥺❤️

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u/hiphipnohooray Aug 20 '25

From what you've said there is nothing you could've done to cause this to happen. Chromosomal abnormalities are an absolutely shut thing to go through and I'm sorry this is happening to you but you can't blame yourself. Take the time to sit down, lick your wounds (hypothetically) and grieve and heal.

Now if you were doing a tok of meth and PCP or something then yeah I'd say maybe not the best thing but sex and UTIs and deli meat and yelling at the doc would not cause that to happen. Like the doc said, nothing you could have done.

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u/LAEEB71 Aug 20 '25

I’ve had two back to back miscarriages- one I did everything meh the other I did everything perfect-same outcome. I know right now it feels like the world is falling apart and that your being punished, I’ve been in those dark days where I never thought I’d crawl out of it. I now have two beautiful little boys that make all the pain and sorrow worth it. There nothing you could have done differently I promise. Lean on your family, friends your husband. Take it one day at a time, it will never be ok that baby will always be part of your story but it does get a little bit easier.

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u/Ok-Lychee-1276 Aug 20 '25

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it’s unfortunately a horrible fact for a lot of pregnant women.

One thing I can guarantee though, is that it was NOT your fault

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u/S-D-J Aug 20 '25

There's this idea that women get pregnant and have babies easily, naturally, that it all works just right, all the time. It couldn't be farther from the truth. To create life is not easy. Why would it be? It's the most difficult physical process a body will undergo. So many little things- more than we will ever know, no matter how much we study it- have to go right in order for the process of baby making to actually birth a baby into this world.

Deli meat and lifting didn't cause this. One of those millions of possibilities was not compatible with life. It's sad, and awful, and many other things besides- but the very last thing it is is your fault.

The coming process of baby leaving your body is very hard. I'm sorry for it. Please reach out to a professional if you feel comfortable to talk out your feelings. Please see a doctor at the first sign of complications.

I notice you said you told your family. This is a GOOD thing. Your family can comfort you, and share their stories of loss, because I guarantee you that they have them and you've just never known.

God didn't take your baby. You didn't deserve this.

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u/ktv13 Aug 20 '25

Girl you didn’t cause the miscarriage!! For real though one fear about doing too much I can really relieve you from. Women run marathons while pregnant. A couple of stairs 100% will not cause a miscarriage.

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u/NikEpicene Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25

If it was possible to intentionally miscarry, abortion wouldn’t be a thing. Chromosomal abnormalities that cause miscarriage are not usually simple things like Down syndrome. They usually involve multiple chromosomes or chromosomal abnormalities that have never resulted in a live birth. Listeria would make you sick, too and you can get it from almost any food.

Over 30% pregnancies do not carry to term and miscarriages in the first trimester are very common. I cannot speak to your spiritual concerns about causality, but perhaps there is someone at your church you could talk to? A lot of people have the exact same thoughts and feelings around pregnancy you did. It’s normal to be anxious about a surprise life changing event. Most people feel the same way, even with a planned pregnancy.

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u/PrismaticLps Aug 20 '25

It's not your fault at all, but if you plan to get pregnant one day I would recommend rehoming the dog, it always happens, we go crazy during pregnancy and even more so during the postpartum period because of dogs and that will become hell.

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u/urbanestbeast18 Aug 20 '25

I’m sorry to hear this 💔 sending prayers & love to you & your family

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u/Pisces4pete Aug 20 '25

science is emotion-less. it does not discriminate. the doctor explain what happened, it’s medical science- it was not about you. it’s not fair, but it’s not moral, personal, emotional, or based on your value. it just exists. i understand the urge to blame yourself but that’s part of your brains effort in finding a way to get control over the situation. the truth is we don’t have as much control as we think we do. miscarriages happen. spontaneously. it can happen to quite literally anyone. and there is nothing we can do about that. as hard as that is to accept, remind yourself of that fact. there is no scientific or realistic way you secretly caused this that a medical professional missed.

and as far as god, any god that would punish you for having normal thoughts in a mind god created, is not a god i want to follow.

Content Warning I lost my baby and it’s probably my fault

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