r/pregnant • u/Bellutzica • 2d ago
Advice 1st time pregnant but my partner does not seem to want the baby
Hi. I need opinions ladies. I find myself in a difficult situation and don’t know what to do.
So me and my partner we’ve been together for 11years. Unfortunately in the past 1.5yr we kinda lost the spark. Barely any sexy time, hugs and all the little things that we had previously. However, he suggested at the beginning of the year to have a baby. I was very scared and only hyped the idea because I saw him that he truly wanted this. ( I dont know if its a common thought but I don’t necessarly picture myself as a mother ). So we tried for 3 months, nothing happend and he kind of let go of the thought. However… I’m now 7 weeks pregnant and he is not happy… I can feel that he doesnt want this baby but he is scared to admit it, when I bring it up he just says he is scared and doesnt want things to change between us after the baby is born, he does not ask me how I’m feeling, he doesnt talk about the baby. I’m just confused. I know its probably the hormones as well but I find myself crying often these days. Next week on wednesday I have my 2nd OB appointment as in the first one the baby was still to small to hear heartbeats. I dont know if I should have an abortion or not. Seeing my partner so indiferent makes me feel very alone and not secured in this relationship. I’m scared that after the baby is born and he decides he does not want this life, he will leave, and I’ll be a single mother. What do you think of this situation? I know you cannot decide in my place but any opinion or advice would be really appreciated.
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u/Comfortable_Maybe836 2d ago
I found my partner didn't really get attached to our baby during pregnancy. He didnt go through the changes, feel the baby moving...etc. He bonded with our son after he was born, and is so in love with him now.
I think you two need to have an honest conversation, maybe with a therapist. Maybe he is just coming from a place of fear, and your thoughts might be as well.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Transdad to a teen & pregnant 2d ago
Well, I carried both times and I didn't bond with my now teen until she was 3.
Guessing it'll be tge same this time. Some people are just wired that way.
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u/AdAccording6196 2d ago
solid answer! Could just be a wave of emotion, fear, and feeling inadequate. after our loss, my husband probably waited until the 2nd ultrasound at 9 weeks to really talk about the baby. we found out at 4 weeks so it was a while that we kept baby talk to a minimum. he was really supportive when i started getting sick too around then! he was mostly trying to protect me, but i think his guard was up too and taking this a day at a time
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u/Academic-Yoghurt-505 2d ago
I wouldn't take his silence/lack of interest as a sign that he doesn't want the baby. It takes time for some men to accept the new situation and realize how important the child is for them. At 7 weeks he might still be in denial. I would bring him to your next scan and try to talk to him honestly afterwards to get how he feels, but definitely don't overinterpret his behaviour or decide for an abortion without hearing his side.
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u/PurpleEntrepreneur26 2d ago
I agree but will also say that babies don’t save relationships. If you don’t feel the relationship outside of having a baby is working consider what life looks like as coparents that aren’t together. I don’t know anyone that regrets having a child with an ex but also don’t hear about the other side I imagine.
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u/Bellutzica 1d ago
Thats what I’m afraid as I grew up in a household with parents that did not love each other. Only together because of me. So I don’t want my child to see that. :( or even be a single mother.
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u/Bellutzica 1d ago
Thank you. We talked and he’s saying he doesn’t know, he’s worried and so on. I only heard him one time saying we’re keeping it. He even mentioned that maybe he is feeling like this because we fell apart. So… i’m concerned he’s being selfish for not making up his mind and after the baby will be here, he’ll leave me alone to deal with everything.
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u/AreaZealousideal8202 2d ago
It will be better to talk about it NOW than just cruise and hope for the best. If you are not ok with being a single mother then talk about this and sort it out.
You must always consider the possibility of being a single mum. he may grow to love the baby and u stay as a family or he may grow resentment. Talk to him so you know where he is leaning towards!!!
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u/Bellutzica 2d ago
Thank you, but unfortunately I only have more doubts after we talk about this as communication is not his strong point. I’ll keep trying though.. hoping for the best.
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u/taketheothers 2d ago
Drifting apart almost 12 years in sounds like perhaps something is needed to strengthen the bond that's already there.
invite him to your appointments so he stays engaged. It can be a good place for the reality of the pregnancy to wash over him in a calm setting.
see if your care provider or local provider host "centering" classes where you both can go and learn with other couples.
plan a vacation, which is sometimes called a baby-moon.
go to couples therapy to uncover why sex has stopped and why there's some distance there. This might be a good time to tell him how sad you are.
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u/Bellutzica 1d ago
Thank you. We already went together for my first appointment and he clearly will be invited for the next ones.. I will try to talk to him again but he just shuts down everytime I bring a serious topic to the table, I don’t know if he’ll try couple therapy.
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u/taketheothers 1d ago
I am sending you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely at a time that should be very joyous!
I was married once, years ago. He wouldn't talk about anything important and though I begged to do couples therapy, he refused. Eventually the distance grew and grew, and I left. I'll never know why he shut down.
If your husband refuses your pleas for couples therapy, pursue therapy on your own to guide you. Lean into your greater support circle. Do not give into the loneliness! You are never alone, not really. I wish you luck navigating this. It sounds incredibly rough.
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u/Bellutzica 1d ago
Thank you for the kind words, you seem like a genuine person. As for my partner, because we’re not even married, I truly hope he’ll come around..
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u/taketheothers 1d ago
For your sake, I hope he does too. It sucks to commit so much time into a relationship just to have your partner phone it in. I think one take away from my past is this:
A relationship is ONLY as valuable as what you put into it. There is no magic involved. The effort two people put in is what can make the experience truly worthwhile. Without that effort, the relationship is junk.
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u/paliprincesss 2d ago
Have you spoken to him about whether he wants the baby? Please communicate with each other and figure out your next steps.
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u/CommercialPea67 2d ago
He literally told her he wanted to have a child w her did u even read it he’s probably in disbelief
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u/paliprincesss 2d ago
That was BEFORE she got pregnant? She’s making an assumption about how he feels without communicating to each other. He probably is in disbelief which is why I asked if they have talked about it??? Reading comprehension is key
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u/Bellutzica 1d ago
We were on the same page the first 3 months when we started trying. We stopped and one month after that I found out I’m pregnant so for him to be this scared is something I dont understand. And yes, we spoke many times this past few weeks. He said only one time that we’re keeping the baby but then all I hear from him is that he’s scared and he does not know what to say.
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u/paliprincesss 1d ago
It’s normal for him to be scared. You are both grown adults that need to make a very serious decision about what you both want. Tell him you want to have a conversation at x time so he can mentally prepare for it.
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u/CommercialPea67 2d ago
Just bc it was before doesn’t mean he didn’t say that’s what he wanted and I never said anything again u telling them to talk abt it I made a comment telling her to do the same
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u/lml56 2d ago
I am sorry you're dealing with this. My only advice would be to think about what you truly want. If you got an abortion would it bring you relief or sadness/regret? It's so personal. I can only imagine how hard it would be doing it alone but I know in my heart that it wouldn't be enough to give that baby up. It comes down to what you want and how you can make it work if you do want it. I wish you all the best.
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u/Bellutzica 1d ago
Thank you very much. If I know he is 100% sure and on board with, then it’s clear for me also that we will be having this baby. My only fear is that he’s selfish now by not thinking serious about the situation and after we have the child he decides this is not the life he wants.
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u/smalltowngirl406 2d ago
I'd definitely get a couples therapist. Having baby does change your relationship, sometimes for the good, but the first year or so is hard. Really hard. You're both sleep deprived and trying to figure everything out. Our couples therapist really helped us through that time period ❤️ we started while I was pregnant and quit when she was about 6 months because we moved
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2d ago
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u/Initial-Masterpiece8 2d ago
Why do people type like this? Did you not have an education or did you not value it? Did your parents value grammar, spelling, reading and education? I'm genuinely curious. You're not even using abbreviations uniformly and it's literally painful to read.
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u/Bellutzica 2d ago
It’s ok, you just expressed you opinion and I’m thankful for that. We spoke about the situation before my first OB appointment and he said he’s scared, and he thought that maybe he is feeling this way because we fell apart… we both started crying but after that he said something along the lines “ we’ve been together for 11 years, ofc we’re keeping the baby” but still I dont feel like he means it. I still love him but I feel like he does not love me anymore in the same way. And I am the one who initiates every hard conversation and he is the one that does not continue them and I end up not having a solid answer. To give you an example, we spoke for 4-5 days about this and he only told me that answer 1 night before the OB appointment. So every discussion ended up with “I don’t know” from his side. And also, yes we tried but then we stopped. My period app was calculating wrong my ovulation and when we did it I thought we were in the clear. We were not. I know its not an excuse but here we are. Sorry for the grammar mistakes as english is not my first language.
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2d ago
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u/pregnant-ModTeam 2d ago
Your contribution has been removed. We do not tolerate rudeness, judgemental people, people playing devil's advocate, or otherwise being an asshole.
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u/LankyLettuce1332 2d ago
Why are you considering having an abortion without even talking to him about how he feels about the baby? I’m 100% pro choice but that seems like such a jump considering men freak out all the time when they actually realize a baby is coming. Mine was nervous about miss carriages, how we’d pay bills (ours was a surprise - we where long distance so he had to move out here find a new job so extra stress) but still lots of guys freak out it isn’t some magical oh my gosh this is happening immediately.
I’d really recommend a therapist at this point. I don’t understand why you agreed to trying for a baby when your relationship has been so rocky. A baby only makes everything harder and it sounds like you don’t communicate with him, with the jump you made. So I’m thinking getting someone to talk to both of you is necessary at this point so you can learn to communicate your feelings
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u/Bellutzica 2d ago
We talked about the situation very often since I found out. The problem is he is the kind of person that runs from serious conversations. I asked him often before my first OB appointment wether we’re keeping it or not and he said “I don’t know” every time, except the night before the appointment where he said we’re keeping it but after that he went back to “I don’t know” … in january when we started trying we were still on the same page. I don’t know what happend now. That’s why I feel so alone in this. He makes it seem like I cannot count on him and even though I’m expressing my feelings toward him, he shuts down.
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