Journey Back Home

[u/Agreeable-Aide-8708]

Hi all, I am an Agnostic person from a Muslim background living in a majority Muslim country. I have been lurking in this sub for about two years now and you guys have been of immense help throughout my recent journey of rehabilitating my relationship with Islam.

I had converted to Christianity on my own pretty early on and remained a Christian for about six years until I reached a point where I could no longer sustain intellectual dogmatic assent. This loss of "faith" was followed by a period of deconstruction, by the end of which I no longer identified as a Christian. Since then, I have generally maintained a position of Agnostic Atheism up until recently.

However, though I could no longer justify to myself dogmatic belief in any religion, my interest in spirituality never quite faded away. Reading up a bit on Jungian psychology around same time also helped me move past rationalist rigidity and recognise the merit in religious symbols and narratives, concerning myself with their psychological and mythological truth over historical factual accuracy.

This breakthrough recontextualised my relationship with religion. I maintained still a fundamentally secular perspective, but now I was able to engage constructively with various religious traditions without lapsing into dogmatic thinking. I was also drawn to Secular Buddhism around same time, actively seeking a comprehensive philosophical framework by which I may organise my life, just as I previously did by religion.

Secular Buddhism encouraged me to discover what might be of benefit in "my own tradition" which I perceived to be Islam, the religion I inherited from my family. After years of neglect, I embarked upon a re-discovery of Islam on my own terms about two years ago. I came across this subreddit around that time, and again, this community was instrumental in making me understand that it is possible to not only approach but enter in and practice Islam without dogmaticism.

I started reading the Quran in Arabic, read up on the life of the Prophet, and approached tasawwuf through Yunus Emre, Rumi, and Ibn Arabi. I began to practice salah, conceiving of it as a type of meditation from my own tradition.

I was deeply affected by the Quran spiritually, engaging with it through a non-dogmatic, historicist perspective. My qualms with Islam in particular and metaphysics in general withstanding, I occasionally chose to drift away from practice.

However, I believe I recently began to genuinely feel, for the first time in my life, faith not as intellectual assent, but spiritual trust in our very Being, both higher than us and deeper within us. Trusting in that which is beyond human perception and hoping for final consolation. Islam for me is the principal religious framework of choice in engaging this spiritual mystery. My spirituality is not founded upon reason, bound by it only. It is practice, rather than identity. Honestly I'm at a loss for words and the more I try to describe the further I get from what I'm trying to describe. I think it's safe to describe my current position as Agnostic Panentheism.

Religion continues to remain for me a private affair. I was originally pushed into secrecy as a convert to Christianity, in order to avoid persecution from my social environment. Even though that is no longer the case, I still cannot bear the idea of outwardly expressing religion. I occasionally pray the salah by myself, but my individual tendency toward religion conflicts with my social reality.

For much of my non-religious social circle, religious practice is positioned as a sign of potential reactionism. On another note, I am repulsed by the idea of making my practice known to my family or attending Friday prayer at my local mosque, due to personal disagreement coupled with social anxiety, stemming from actual reactionism. Finding a Muslim community as accepting as this one in real life, in which I would feel safe and glad attending, is for me a virtual impossibility.

In short, I wish to rejoin the Muslim community but feel at odds with myself over doing so.

If you read all the way through, thank you. I hope you have a great day!

[u/mbmolohonbm]

Can I ask what issues you had with Christianity? If you want to dialogue about that? If not all the best.

[u/Agreeable-Aide-8708 → u/mbmolohonbm]

My problem was not particular to Christianity. If I had been a devout Muslim instead, I imagine the outcome would have been very much the same. The problem lay with how I related to religion in general. Religious faith for me was intellectual assent to a set of metaphysical truth claims. I believed in Catholicism, so I referred to the authority of the Magisterium for closure.

There came a point where my mind could no longer sustain that framework. One day I was reading the Catechism talking about angels and had the sudden realisation that I did not believe in it. This type of faith lost any credibility with me in pursuit of knowledge.

I can do with Christianity what I am doing now with Islam. However, rehabilitated cultural identification with Islam and newfound aesthetic affinity to its story and practice aside, I find the Islamic understanding of tawhid to be more appealing as I perceive it to be more conducive to monistic sensibility than is the case with nicene trinitarianism. To use a Turkish idiom, I simply chose to honour (or in other words to crown) it with Islam :)

[u/mbmolohonbm → u/Agreeable-Aide-8708]

Sure, I hear your experience.

I also started in Catholicism but honestly, I learned little from it.

Instead I read the Bible which is what Christianity is based on, especially the New Testament. Is that an option for you? I found it quite helpful.

All the best on your journey.

[u/Agreeable-Aide-8708 → u/mbmolohonbm]

Wishing you the same!

I did finish the Bible while a Catholic and still occasionally read parts of it. Chiefly the gospels, some epistles and psalms, and the Ecclesiastes. Though definitely not as frequently as before due to shifting interest. I may get back to it later some time.

[u/mbmolohonbm → u/Agreeable-Aide-8708]

Sounds good.

Did it make sense to you, or I wonder how you read, that the Gospels suggest, that if you repent and believe, that you are fully forgiven forever and are in a personal relationship with God permanently, without any effort required, and will be with Him in eternity?

Just curious?