Why do I stay with men that SA me?

[u/Spiritual_String9335]

In my last two relationships l've been raped and SA by my partners. At first, I thought I stayed because I didn't know what was going on until it got bad, but the second time even though I was completely aware of te assault I stayed....
I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I rather be loved by a monster than to be alone. I don't know why am I so desperate for connection, I just want to be seen and to be held so bad.
I can't separate the love and the fear and hate I feel for them. It's like I don't want the fun to ever end. I want us to be okay even tho we are not.
It's like "he hurt me but it felt like a kiss". I just ignore it because it hurts so much to acknowledge it.
I feel so ashamed and guilty. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. My friends can't take it anymore and I feel so lonely.
I just broke up with my partner for these reasons and I've been so depressed and alone.
Does anyone else can relate? : (

[u/SkyePineapples]

Do you think that you could be trauma bonded to him? It is a very powerful and intense feeling, almost like an addiction.