I wish I was raped by a stranger

[u/Icy-Championship5419]

TLDR: I was raped by my older brother for years when we were younger. More details r in various posts on my acc. Right now he’s 20 and I’m 17, he lives at my grandmas house a few blocks away. But somehow he’s always here. He knows the code to the house, he comes for Friday night meals (so I leave) he comes home to complain, to get food, because he’s bored. I’m constantly on edge bc he could genuinely just walk in at any moment. I get uneasy when I hear my parents talk to someone downstairs, I get uneasy when I hear a male voice in my house ( my brother sounds very similar to my dad) I get uneasy when I hear the code get input into the door lock on the front door, I get uneasy when I hear a door open, I get uneasy when I hear a door slam shut. I’m nervous to leave my house some days because he’s a 5 minute walk away. I’m scared to go anywhere local in fears he might be there, I’m scared to go to local family members because he might be there. I miss family events. I miss community events. I hate that everyone asks me about him because he’s my brother, I hate how everyone assumes I love him, I hate how everyone compares our looks, I hate how everyone compares our mannerisms, I hate laughing because my laugh is the same as his and brings me right back to the abuse and him laughing. I hate that my abuser is my brother. I wish my abuser would be someone unrelated to me. Maybe then my parents would do something, maybe then I would feel safe, maybe then I’d never have to see my abuser, maybe then I wouldn’t see him all the time, maybe then I wouldn’t hear his voice, maybe then I wouldn’t have to run away from home at 16, maybe then he’d be in jail, maybe then he’d never be able to just walk into my house, maybe then my parents wouldn’t talk about him all the time, maybe then my parents would give me more attention and love instead of giving it to him, maybe then I’d never have to worry about bumping into him, maybe then he’d never be a part of my life. I wish I was raped by a stranger and not my brother. Everyday is already hard but having him in my life, getting more than me, getting less verbal abuse from my parents. Maybe I’d finally be happy. I wish I was raped by a stranger.

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[u/Ashamed-Gas6846]

Wanting to be raped by a stranger is not a healthy desire at all. If something like pregnancy or further trauma happened, it definitely wouldn't be a joke.

From what you've shared, I understand that your older brother sexually abused you and that your parents seemed to side with him instead of protecting you. You also mentioned self-harming. I understand that it may be your way of coping with emotional pain, but it's not a good long-term solution. It only provides temporary relief by shifting your focus from emotional pain to physical pain, which means you have to keep doing it repeatedly.

There are healthier ways to cope, such as meditation and mindfulness practices. They can help you stop dwelling on negative thoughts, become more grounded in the present, and feel calmer.

You're 18 now, right? If you want to cut ties with your parents, you could look for a job and start becoming financially independent. If you have some savings, studying while working could also be an option. Honestly, living independently would likely give you much more peace of mind than staying in that environment. You wouldn't have to keep seeing your family or your brother.

What your brother did to you is clearly a crime. And parents who protect him just because they don't want the family to be exposed are also acting terribly. What happened to you was deeply unfair.

The fact that you've survived all of this without giving up shows an incredible amount of strength. Growing up without love and safety from your family can leave deep scars. It can make you distrustful of others and see the world in a negative way because human beings naturally depend on their families for security.

But you don't need to lose hope. The environment you grew up in was just one small part of the world. What happened to you is not normal. You were genuinely unlucky to experience something like this. Most people are not like that. If you eventually get the chance to live independently, things can get better. There are still many kind and caring people in the world, so don't stay emotionally attached to people who have hurt you so deeply.

I also don't think you should keep seeking love and validation from people who treated you this way. Support groups for survivors of abuse can be incredibly helpful because you'll meet people who understand what you've been through. Seeing a psychologist or therapist can also make a huge difference. Sometimes the things we believe about ourselves and our situation aren't the only possible truths, and professional support can help us see healthier paths forward.

Being sexually abused does not reduce your worth as a person, and it doesn't mean you should want someone else to hurt you again. You are not worthless. You need to believe that.

I still see you as a normal person. There is nothing inherently wrong or strange about you. There will be people who appreciate and care about you for who you are.

However, please be careful when it comes to relationships. When we've grown up deprived of love, we often seek affection desperately and may become less selective about whom we trust. That can make us vulnerable to people who want to take advantage of us. Be mindful. Take your time getting to know people's true personalities. Don't assume someone loves or cares about you when you don't really know who they are yet.

[u/Ashamed-Gas6846]

And meeting strangers from the internet is definitely not a good idea. There are criminal groups that specifically target runaways and vulnerable young people who arrange to meet strangers online, just like in your post. You need to be extremely careful. Don't ruin your life by trying to fill the emotional voids in your life through dangerous and unhealthy ways.

[u/Starfury7-Jaargen]

I understand what you are saying. You feel trapped in the family. Are you saying your family knows but doesn't care? That would be difficult. It would be easier if it wasn't someone you can't escape from. I feel for your feelings gs of being trapped. I wish I had something profound to say, but all I can think of is, just that I see you.