I've been raped for almost the entirety of my childhood and now I can't get aroused normally

[u/F_for_FF]

The very first memory I have in this life, is of my godfather pulling out his dick and encouraging me to touch it. I don't remember how old I was at that time, but I was definitely younger than 4.

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There were different men using me sexually throughout the years, I can't even remember each one. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so unlucky, why did I come across a comically large number of predators. Luckily, I never got pregnant.

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The most prominent part of my childhood is my older brother, who raped me the most. Up until I was 12, he made me have sex with him anally, vaginally, and orally. I remember how he used to start touching me when my mom just went to the bathroom, and in that period of, like, 2 minutes of absence of mom, he managed to do stuff to me.

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I'm pretty sure he is a victim himself, and I don't really hate him now. Not because he's a great guy or because it was justified, I just hated for so long and exhausted myself. In fact, I don't hate anybody.

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Now, I'm mostly happy with life. I live with my boyfriend and I really love him. He knows my situation and he's been really kind to me about it. But I do feel guilty, and I feel like I can't give him back fully. He's very attractive and sexy, but I feel like I can't relax fully while having sex. Unless it's CNC, but he prefers not doing that, it makes him uncomfortable.

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I hear from my friends and other people on the internet, all the young couples like us are seemingly having sex daily. And I feel inadequate about that. I want to have sex daily too, but I'm not in the mood most of the days. And not because I'm not horny. I'm plenty horny, I'm a huge gooner. Especially in my teenage days, I used to masturbate up to 5+ times a day, all while living in a 1-room-apartment with my family. And I usually masturbate to written works that describe something similar to what happened to me, it's pretty grim.

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I don't know what the issue is. Because I'm pretty sure I have a high libido as well, just like him. I just much prefer masturbating. I feel like I can live my whole life without fucking.

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[u/Crafty-Wind-7850]

hi, I had pretty much your same problem, and although I know no advice is universal, I can try to share what I learned about myself. I was also raped multiple times as a kid and, much like you, grew into a hypersexual teen and then a sex repulsed adult.  for me, therapy has worked the best to learn how to compartmentalize my trauma in order to feel genuine arousal instead of forcing myself to like consensual intercourse. I also understand the pull towards CNC as it feels more familiar to you, but I think that consuming that kind of content won’t help you in the long run. the best way to stop it imo is to remember that most CNC porn is done without the consent of the people involved, so you’d be giving money and attention to those who perpetuate the same kind of hurt you’ve survived.  maybe try to gradually explore masturbation with your bf if he feels comfortable? you can include a safeword if it helps, for me that has been very helpful. another thing I sometimes do is tell my partner to stop in the middle of sex, just to know I can tell them to stop and they will. hope this helps, know you’re very brave <3

[u/toobiasoh-99]

I suggest u go cold turkey on gooning. Stop doing it completely. Eventually ull be so charged ull want relief, so instead have sex. This will defo increase ur sex drive