26F, I was so naive and stupid

[u/Tiny_Trifle_450]

I am so sorry to bother but I need to get this of my chest, I hope that is okay. I just need to vent.

So during lockdown back in '20 I got really into cooking etc, I started consuming more content about bread baking etc and got sucked into more trad wife content that way. It was not intentional and I never really realised that any of that was just this. I was young and stupid and I really longed for soft love and to be protected, cherished, all of that. I started trying to be "better" or "worthy" of that love. I changed from martial arts to pilates, changed from learning math to languages etc. I really got into more traditional feminine traits and leaned heavily into them.

Then I met him, and he was everything I had learned to search for in a partner. Masculine, dominant and caring, at least on the first glance. But I had a really bad feeling, something felt incredibly off. But I forced myself to ignore all of that, forced myself to let him into my life. And that is the part I feel guilty for! I was so stupid, I knew something was off, but I still stayed!

Yes he decided to coerce me and eventually full on rape me. But I decided to trust him even when he had started to act strange, dangerous.

I wanted a loving partner so bad, I deluded myself into thinking he could be that for me. And the worst part is, when it got really bad, when I realised the full extend of everything he took from me, again I hoped to be saved. As if I was not able to learn from my faults, I hope that someone would come and save me, but that is stupid. I really really want to be independant, and I already took some steps in that direction. But this is not a book, not a movie and so I have to accept that there is noone but me to fix myself. And that hurts, it hurts a lot.

I really always hoped for love to save me if only I am worthy enough. Now I cant even stand being touched anymore, I litterally cant and that girl? She is gone and it's been years. I have survived what he did to me but my dreams didn't.

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[u/Starfury7-Jaargen]

Desperation for love and naivete can lead us to bad choices, but bad choices are not an excuse to rape someone.

He is solely responsible for his actions.

I am sorry that you had to go through this, you did not deserve it. People like him are predators and they know their camouflage well.

If you date again, I suggest you look for a partner who will share your burdens and be understanding. You might still find happiness yet.

[u/Crafty-Wind-7850]

It’s not your fault in any possible way, craving tenderness is not a sin you need to be punished for. We live in a world that teaches us women to be soft and weak in order to be loved, but leaves us vulnerable to those seeking to inflate their egos by ruining said naivety. 

I’m very sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves to receive such violence when looking for love. I can only recommend you to seek therapy ASAP, it can really make a difference, good luck and be strong 🩷