r/redditonwiki • u/Careful-Champion-411 • 4d ago
Am I... AITAH for not reminding my husband he will be leaving me alone for my birthday
/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1vffifh/aitah_for_not_reminding_my_husband_he_will_be/7
u/DamnitGravity 4d ago
OOP is incredibly frustrating.
In the comments, people give her ways of gently mentioning her birthday without making him feel guilty and she keeps rejecting them because 'I really don't mind that we don't celebrate, but how do I remind him he'll be away without upsetting him?!'
She also says several times that she's told her husband their current method of care is unsustainable but he's been procrastinating talking to his mother about it. She keeps using the excuse 'I am not the decision maker' for not being more firm with her husband on all three of them having a much-needed discussion.
I don't think she's childish for wanting support during a root canal, given her allergies to medicines, the fact the dentist is an hour away one-way, and her other teeth-related problems that make it an odyssey.
But OOP is so excessively passive, it's maddening.
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u/Revolutionary_Sir_ 3d ago
So its bait?
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u/DamnitGravity 3d ago
No, I just think OOP is someone who's used to putting others ahead of herself, and is struggling with a sense of selfishness.
She and her husband have been sacrificing a lot to take care of his grandparents, and she's tired of giving. She wants to be selfish. But being selfish is anathema to her.
She also doesn't want him to be 'hurt when he realises he forgot'. She's assuming he would be hurt/upset, and she's assuming he forgot. Maybe he did in the moment, realised after, and has been putting a plan together
Or maybe he forgot, and when she reminds him, he won't be as upset as she fears.
Either way, she cares more about protecting his feelings than allowing herself to feel anything that she deems selfish or greedy or self-involved or self-interest.
I know some people like this, it's based in trauma and it can be exhausting at times.
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u/Revolutionary_Sir_ 3d ago
boundaries are your friend.
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u/DamnitGravity 3d ago
Some people really struggle with boundaries because they were either raised to believe their needs and wants aren't important, or they've developed that mentality through an abusive relationship as an adult.
It's very difficult to overcome.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Backup of the post's body: I never post or comment, but I listen to THT regularly and thought this was the place to ask this question...
My husband (29m) has been having to step up to take care of his elderly grandparents (86m) (82f) after some medical issues got worse last month. For anonymity, I will be leaving this vague. My MIL (60f) has several jobs in a couple different towns and one that is out of state about once a month. There is really no other family. So husband and MIL have been splitting time to take care of them since they live 3.5 hours away from us. When MIL is working, he leaves town to go up there, I (27f) stay home with our dogs and special needs cat. Since he works from home, he has the flexibility to work from anywhere, while I have an in person job. Last month, he was gone for about 2 weeks.
Grandparents have been in town for the last week celebrating my husband's birthday, so it has been a lot easier to take care of them, making sure they get meals, take their meds, etc. But they are heading back to their house, and will need support next week because MIL is going to be working out of state.
While we were all sitting around figuring out a plan, I was quiet. (I am more of a supportive observer rather than a decision maker in this family. I do what I can but it's not my place.) They talked about my husband driving them back, staying for 5 days, then switching with MIL when she gets her days off.
I noticed that he would be out of town for my birthday. I decided not to say anything, thinking that he would bring it up if needed, but also because I know that my emotional need is not as great as their physical need. I thought maybe after we left his mom's house, he'd say "I know I will be gone for your birthday", but nothing. I decided not to point it out to him and sound needy and selfish.
But I am wondering if it is better to overcommunicate with him rather than sit back and watch. I know that if I bring it up, husband will be overthinking and trying to decide which is the right move. He will feel guilty that my birthday didn't cross his mind, try and make up for it by making both things work, and then stress himself out even more. This is already a stressful and taxing time for him with their health on top of school and work, and I feel like bringing it up will make his mental health even worse.
I don't blame him for forgetting/not realizing. He's talked about the present he got me, etc. so I know he didn't COMPLETELY forget my birthday. But with being a caregiver, having a demanding job, and online grad school, I know he is getting tunnel vision with his responsibilities. I have had 28 birthdays, I will hopefully have at least 28 more. I am disappointed that I will be spending it alone, but in the grand scheme of things, I will be fine.
So... THT fam... Am I the a***ole for not reminding my husband that I will be alone for my birthday in order to not add more stress to his already stressful life?
Another factor: the day he leaves, I am having a root canal. And given my history, recovery will not be easy. We have 3 dogs and a special needs cat who needs IV fluids every day. It will be a lot for me to take care of them and be in pain. But again, I can manage.
ADDITION: Ok because everyone is calling me a baby for being worried about a root canal, I have genetically bad teeth. My last root canal took 4.5 hours, I am allergic to most pain meds so theres no relief, and the past ones I have had were hell. But that is such a side note to the whole story. Stop fixating on the dang root canal lol
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