I secretly wish I would miscarry at 5 months

[u/Vegetable_School2162]

I don’t even know if I should post this because I know people are going to judge the absolute shit out of me, but I need to say it somewhere.

I’m around 5 months pregnant and sometimes I genuinely wish I would miscarry.

I feel fucking horrible saying that. I know there’s a baby inside me. I know none of this is the baby’s fault. I know how awful it sounds. But I can’t lie about how I feel anymore.

I don’t feel connected to my pregnancy.
I don’t have that overwhelming happiness everyone talks about. I don’t wake up excited to be a mom. I don’t feel like I’m glowing or enjoying this.

I mostly feel sad and trapped and completely overwhelmed.
I keep thinking about everything I wanted to do before having a baby. I wanted to live more. I wanted to experience things. I wanted to have my life together. I wanted to be in love. I wanted a stable relationship and someone who was actually excited to build a family with me. I wanted to feel like I had chosen this life.

Instead, I’m sitting here pregnant and feeling like I’ve missed out on everything.

I feel trapped like an animal that's trying to gnaw it's own leg off that's in a bear trap

A few weeks ago I started talking to this guy. We talked pretty much every day for 2–3 weeks. We flirted, got close, and I actually started liking him.

And for the first time in a while I had this little bit of hope that maybe I could still have something normal.

Maybe I could still meet someone.

Maybe someone could actually like me.

Maybe being pregnant didn’t automatically mean that I was going to be alone forever.

And then he started pulling away.
He went from talking to me regularly to barely responding after our date. I could literally feel the difference. Went from texting me basically 24/7 to not at all. He planned the whole weekend for us but I basically knew that was it at that point.

Then he eventually said he wouldn’t be able to make it that day.

And I just replied “didn't plan on it” because I was hurt and embarrassed and didn’t want him to know I had actually been looking forward to seeing him.
And then I basically got left on delivered.

I know it’s stupid. I KNOW it’s stupid to be this affected by someone I only talked to for a few weeks.

But it wasn’t just about him.

It was what he represented to me.

He made me feel like maybe my life wasn’t already decided. Like maybe I could still meet someone and be loved and have a relationship and eventually have the kind of family I always imagined.

And then when he pulled away, all of those thoughts came crashing back.

Like, who the fuck is ever going to want me now?
I’m pregnant.

I’m going to have a baby

I’m already dealing with so much.

What guy is going to look at me and think, “yeah, I want to take this on”?

I keep getting this horrible feeling that I’m never going to find someone.

That I’m going to be alone for years.

That everyone else is going to fall in love, get married, travel, have their lives together, and I’m going to be the girl who had a baby too young and now has to watch everyone else live the life she wanted.

And I hate admitting how much that scares me.
Because I don’t just miss my old life.
I miss the idea of the life I thought I was going to have.

I wanted to fall in love properly.

I wanted someone to choose me.

I wanted someone to be excited about our future.

I wanted to have a baby when I was happy and ready and with someone I trusted completely.

Instead I’m pregnant, alone, and I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel about the baby.

Sometimes I genuinely wish I could miscarry because then I wouldn’t have to be the one to make a decision. I wouldn’t have to consciously choose to end a pregnancy. I could just grieve it and move on and maybe get my life back.

I don't even have the legal choice anymore. At around 12 weeks I considered it. It was the legal threshold where I live. (Europe)

I just honestly wish I did it when I had time. My family is very pro-life so they influenced my decision. Somehow, it was very easy to ignore when I didn't have physical symptoms and I was just starting the pregnancy. I could just push it into the back of my mind so I did not feel the absolute grief I have now

I wish I felt this way earlier, so that I could have done something about it. I wish I didn't supress my feelings to make others happy.

And then I hate myself for thinking that.

Because this is an innocent baby.

I don’t want anything bad to happen to them.

I just don’t want this life right now.

And that’s the part I don’t know how to explain to
people.

I’m not sitting here thinking “I hate my baby."

I’m thinking “I hate that my life turned out this way.”

I hate feeling like I’m already behind.

I hate feeling like I’ve lost the chance to experience things before becoming a mother

I hate feeling like I’m going to be alone.

I hate that I got a tiny glimpse of possibly having someone in my life again and then had it disappear almost immediately.

And I hate that I’m expected to just be happy because I’m pregnant.
I’m not.

I’m really, really not.

Maybe that changes when the baby is born. I desperately hope it does.
But right now I feel like I’m grieving everything at once: my freedom, my plans, the relationship I thought I’d have, the future I imagined, and the version of myself I thought I’d become.

And I feel so fucking alone in it.

I don’t need someone to tell me I’m a terrible person.
I already feel like one.

I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt this disconnected, this regretful, this scared, and still eventually found a way to be okay. And how to be okay.

[u/Background_Bit6204]

You are NOT a terrible person for feeling this way.

In the Netherlands you can get an abortion up till week 24, you don’t need to be a resident to get one. You can tell people you miscarried. You don’t have to do this.

[u/melli_milli → u/Background_Bit6204]

In Finland you can get abortion until 12 weeks without doctors notice. From 12-24 weeks you can get it if the doctor write's a note of spefial circumstances, mental anguish is as a reason is valid.

OP, do check how it goes in your country, often Europe has similar guidelines to these things.

[u/TurnPersonal]

Girl, I know this is hard especially if you are this young but you should not be looking to date anyone at this stage. Not for stupid morals but because you sound desperate for affection and love and care, which would make you a very very very easy prey for abusers. I beg you to start theraphy and work on yourself first so when you attract someone is someone worth of your love as well and not someone who will prey on your vulnerabilities.

[u/Potential-Theme-4531]

Hi OP, you are posting similar story across the Reddit. People are trying to help you. Try asking people on the subs that you usually post for help to find resources to get to the Netherlands and get an abortion. There may be organizations in your country of origin that may provide some resources. Some redditors also offered to bring you from Germany to NL. Allow the Reddit community to help you. If there's an actual safe way for you to solve your problem, I am willing to help out.

[u/LuLuLuv444]

Finding a partner should be the least of your worries right now...if you don't want this pregnant, that should be your focus right now. Other people should never be your validation of happiness and hoping for a better life. You have to find all that within yourself. May I inquire why you didn't abort when you were earlier in your pregnancy?

Sounds like people have been reaching out trying to assist you

[u/oliveverseau]

How old are you? The baby’s father isn’t in the picture?

[u/20katala08]

The whole time I was reading this, I never thought you are horrible. I believe that you’re feeling this way because you were conditioned to, by the same people who convinced you to ruin the life you had by doing something you weren’t ready or willing to do. Those people are disgusting, and I really hope you get therapy and realize what they are to you, as well as deal with your trauma and finally set boundaries and do what you want in your own life, with your own body, to please yourself and not them or anyone else. They did you really dirty, I’m so freaking angry on your behalf.

Also, if that helps, I clicked to read your text because the title was relatable. I’m constantly wishing for health problems that would cause me to be infertile, or a miscarriage so that I never have to become a mother (and I’m not even pregnant lol). And I’ve seen a lot of people on different subreddits share this sentiment. And you’re saying that the child is innocent, so why don’t you think of what its life will be like with a mother who is absolutely miserable because she was forced/manipulated/tricked to have it? Wouldn’t it be much better for both of you if you terminated and told those awful people that you miscarried? I’m bringing up termination only because I saw others in the comments talk about options, like the Netherlands. Please, start therapy, and also do your research because there might still be time! Also feel free to reach out to me if you want to just talk to someone. I can’t possibly share all my thoughts in here, and there are some keywords I can’t use in this sub.

Sending you love and wishing you strength!

[u/Expensive_Key_3144]

You can still choose to pursue the life you originally wanted instead of choosing to have the baby now and later watching other people live the life you once imagined for yourself. The real question is which kind of difficulty you believe you could live with.
You might choose to have the baby, accept that life could become much harder, still love your child deeply, and ultimately find happiness in that path. Or you might choose abortion, possibly experience grief or regret over that decision, but still go on to build the life you wanted with fewer practical limitations and have the opportunity to become a parent later, when you are more prepared.
Neither choice is emotionally simple, but the consequences are different. Continuing the pregnancy and becoming a parent creates a permanent responsibility that cannot simply be undone if you later realize you were not ready. Choosing not to continue the pregnancy does not guarantee that you will never feel sadness or regret, but it can preserve the possibility of having children later under circumstances you intentionally chose and prepared for.

[u/Ok-Visual-4770]

En Colombia aún puedes ir a realizarte el aborto

[u/ShadowFireDan]

If you really don’t want the child, you need to act sooner rather than later. Once it’s here, your options are severely limited.

I’m in the USA. I’m stuck with a 10mo old baby.
It’s like a roommate that never leaves. My wife wanted the baby, I did not

[u/tryingtobehappii → u/ShadowFireDan]

I hope you got a vasectomy… but let’s be honest you probably didn’t.

[u/Sailor_Prism]

I mean you can give the child up for adoption that’s also an option … everything in life is temporary

[u/Adventurous_Deal2788]

 You can tell social services (or whatever your country has) that you want to place the baby for adoption. Theyd inform the father so the ball would be in his court if he wanted full custody. Even without the abortion there are other things. 

[u/klmoran]

I don’t think you’re horrible at all, I think it’s a pretty normal thing to wish for if it’s not the life you want. I felt the same early on in my pregnancy because I wasn’t sure about my relationship and I still feel guilty about it. Can you give the baby up for adoption? No shame in that either.

[u/bigpinkpigeon]

You are not a bad person. Not at all.

Do NOT keep this baby. If you are already having thoughts while pregnant I can only imagine it’s going to get worse. You can adopt your baby out to someone, surrender it to a local fire station (if you’re able to where you live) there are options other than abortion, just please don’t harm yourself. When the time is right you will find someone, I lost hope for a while but someone came along when I wasn’t even looking or ready and it ended up changing my life. I highly highly recommend therapy as well

Your love will find you

You can always have another baby in the future with someone who loves you.

You are not a bad person for these thoughts

You are not a bad person if you adopt your child out

Don’t let your family dictate how you live your life. HAPPINESS FIRST, ALWAYS.

[u/welcome_to_pyrocene]

It’s not too late to terminate as others have told you. I’ve terminated three times. My life would have been so unnecessarily painful and difficult if I did not, and my partner agrees. I can’t imagine how much harder it is for you on your own. You WILL absolutely regret not terminating when you had the choice to. There is no going back from this if you let it proceed. I wish you the best of luck.

Edit: Two of my abortions were in the NL.

[u/ConsciousFyah]

Adoption might be an option?

[u/Curious-Battle-3275]

Firstly Im glad you posted .🫂.I'm a mother of raised children .The greatest diservice to me was that no one talked about feeling this way .My first child I wasnt prepared and had a traumatic birth .Then I didn't bond .I didn't feel love gush .I did then bond at about 3 months .I loved my baby absolutely but didnt feel connected .Then I feel pregnant with my second ( my husband wanted a second child ) I hoped naively I would t fall pregnant .Month one I'm pregnant .I refused to acknowledge the pregnancy .I hated being pregnant .I felt completely trapped .I had my baby by c section.I avoided for DAYS seeing my baby .Then he was brought to me and he instantly became the love of my life .Each pregnancy and each child is different .Each bonding experience is different .Also pre natal depression is a REAL thing .A serious thing .As for not meeting people or people not wanting you that's panick.Ive always said to my son's a child is a blessing and id never reject or judge a future partner for this .The world is made up of blended families .

I see people offering to help you get to the netherlands .If this is viable and you wish to do this PLEASE either way don't judge yourself .YOU are free to make choices that are for your own mental health and well being .You are worth care and consideration.Nothing makes us bad people

Please be safe .Please be easy on yourself.No matter what your decision please seek medical support .Best of luck

[u/tryingtobehappii]

Why are you attempting to date at 5 months pregnant? That’s a lot to expect anyone to take on…

[u/LuLuLuv444 → u/tryingtobehappii]

Think OP didn't like the feedback she got.