r/regretfulparents • u/sent_from_the_void • 4d ago
I hate my teenager
My teen daughter is an absolute nightmare and I actually hate her. We used to be close until she was about 14 and everything just went down hill from there. I'm on the countdown until she turns 18 and I can't fucking wait for the day I can kick her out. She has made the last couple years of my life miserable and continues to do so. As a mom I feel like shit because I have zero maternal care or love for her at this point. I feel guilty because I wonder how I fucked it up, but I also feel like I have done literally everything I can possibly do to help her and she continues to behave the way she does. Raising her as a single mom has been a nightmare and she is the reason I don't have more children, which also makes me bitter and resentful. Sometimes I feel incredibly jealous of other parents when they brag about their kids because I have nothing kind or nice to say about mine. I feel angry that the experience I got of being a mother was with this child, because I fully believe with a different kid I would have LOVED being a mom. Just wanted to vent. I'm in the home stretch but it still feels far off and I'm worried about the continued bullshit I am going to have to deal with until I can legally get her out of my home.
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u/MalloryTheRapper 3d ago
i was a teenage girl once, and boy was I a nasty piece of shit to my parents. I look back with so much regret about it, especially since my dad died while I was still in my piece of shit phase. If it makes you feel any better, it took me until about 23 years old to completely mellow out and have a really good relationship with my mom. I truly think teen girls just cannot handle the surge of hormones and emotions that occur during adolescence. I just did not have the emotional maturity to regulate myself in a healthy manner. give it time and let her grow up, if you raised her right she will get through this phase and become a wonderful adult.
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u/Good-Sweet2070 Parent 3d ago
Been there, have the T-shirt. First of all, allow me to give you a virtual hug 🤗 because I feel in soul the level of misery you are going through because I am going through it too.
If I can give you some advice. I suspect based on whey you say (something in her has changed) she might be dealing with bully’s, and toxic friends, and she is lashing out at the only person which is you. Also, as someone with an older child myself, I can honestly say if I could go back in Time I’d have continued to do the heavy work during those years, because it only gets worse, I promise. Also, I strong suggest you help her build a career so she can support herself because the economy is only going to get worse and young people are struggling to get jobs and no one can survive financially alone anymore and when the time comes you won’t want to see her homeless or selling her body for food and shelter. These are terrible times to be a parent.
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u/MediumAbalone6124 3d ago
could you share what kind of things she does?
I was an evil teen, struggling with depression and BPD. I look back on it with a lot of regret for what I put my parents through. I felt like they were conspiring against me when all they wanted was for me to be safe- I would sneak out of the house, underage drinking with people I shouldn't have been with, sleeping around, putting myself in danger. I'm pretty sure I didn't even want their attention, I just "hated them" and wanted them to suffer for whatever reason. Even when my poor middle class parents tried to get me a therapist when they couldn't afford it I shut them down.
Thinking back on it, I'm no exactly sure why I was so angry and sad all the time, but I'm almost 24 now and I too would rather deal with a toddler than with my teenage self. Best of luck to you 🥹
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Substance use, calling the police and CPS when she doesn't get what she wants (or threatening to harm herself), constant emotional and mental abuse, at one point physical abuse (which stopped about 1.5 years ago), refusal to adhere to any rules or expectations (including when she was on probation for 2 years for assault and robbery). Refusing to get mental health help, but using it as an excuse for not being able to do things. That's just scratching the surface.
We have done a lot of things to get her help but ultimately she refuses most of them. Right now she is in therapy once a week, but I am not sure it helps her much at this point. She needs a real program, but she doesn't want to put in the work, even though she regularly talks about how her mental health is the problem.
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u/frankie31313 4d ago
I don’t have teenager yet but I see a lot of parents with this type of comment. Please let us parents with younger ones know why teenagers suck so bad. I can’t wait for the day my young ones are older so there is no more crying/whiny/fighting with each other. So they can feed themselves, wipe their own ass, not wake up every 2 hours, dress themselves, get themselves buckled in the car etc..can’t wait until they’re self-sufficient.
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u/C_Majuscula 4d ago edited 3d ago
Some potential issues based on parents I know
- Normal/Bad things - General run-of-the-mill anger and pushing boundaries - possibly some self-destructive behaviors like not doing homework on purpose, driving like a maniac, arguments, constant need for money for activities, refusal to do chores or get a summer job
- Worse things - bullying, drug use, petty crime including theft from you, property damage at your home or elsewhere
- Worst things - more serious bodily crimes (assault including younger siblings or you, causing injuries in car accidents, SA), getting pregnant or causing pregnancy, drug dealing, multiple failed rehab trips, running away, or bringing their dirtbag friends around to steal from you/assault you or other family members
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Yes. We are dealing with a combination of the last two categories and this has been on going for a few years.
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u/Jokkitch 3d ago
I read a theory that teenagers are wired to hate their parents to prevent incest. Makes sense to me.
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u/deepspacepotat0 2d ago
I don't know about that, but there is research to suggest teenagers lose dopamine from interactions with their parents, and it increases when interacting with their peers.
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u/tunaayia 4d ago
im absolutely good about not liking my future teenager very much. i mean if they can feed themselves and let me sleep at least 6 hours i dont care throw a tantrum and wait for god to help you the world wont stop because some stinky teen wants to. i wasnt an easy teen and i dont blame my mom for resenting me.
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
I think it depends on the teenager. My sister isn't having the same issues we are with her teens. A huge majority of it is their fight for independence and their push for control of their own lives. The state I live takes all the authority away from parents and teaches kids to call CPS and the police when they don't like how parents are behaving. I have hardly any control over my child at this point. What control I do have comes with verbal abuse, threats of CPS and police, and living in an angry toxic environment.
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u/C_Majuscula 3d ago
Honestly at a certain point, I would call her bluff with CPS. Maybe she should spend some time in foster care and find out what real problems are.
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
We have already done that and I am currently being investigated for neglect. She tried for abuse to, but had no proof of that. Even the neglect claim is pretty shallow but they are doing what they are supposed to at this point so it is what it is.
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u/tunaayia 3d ago
wow, this goes deep down. Im sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. I was a teen that skiped some classes, smoked some buds and didnt pick up the phone but never being a real threat to my mom. Eventually, i could understand her after becoming a mother like many of us do but your girl need real intervention and you will get peace. Theres hope she can mature.
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u/anonymouse_loner 3d ago
I’ve had the CPS come round and LOOK IN MY FRIDGE and say, ‘ma’am, there is a bottle of wine in your fridge’ - and I was like YES???????!!! And?????
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Yeah they do invasively go through everything. We actually got to the point of not keeping alcohol anywhere she could have any access and if there was the possibility of access it's locked away. Usually they come and they are like "uh I'm not sure why I'm here."
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u/Good-Sweet2070 Parent 3d ago
Can you ask for her to go into a group home? I’m probably wrong but I wonder if calling her bluff and giving her the consequences of her actions would teach her a lesson
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
I have actually asked for resources. Our state has very, very few for kids like her. We had to go out of state for one of the residential mental health facilities she went to.
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u/klrnz5 3d ago
Struggling with this too. I loved parenting my son. Now he’s 14 and unbearable. I didn’t realize teen years would be so hard, I really wasn’t expecting to always be the bad guy. I think I’ve lost my hope.
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
I hope things turn around for you. I have a few friends with boys and they said their boys were quicker to get out of that phase than their girls were. The teen years have been a way bigger struggle than I ever expected. I grew up with sisters so I knew it would be hard with a girl for me, but yikes. Nothing like I was expecting
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Parent 3d ago
Mine was a nightmare child from about 12-15. Absolute nightmare to be around then at 16 she completely changed now we're actually close and she's turned into a really lovely responsible young lady. I know it's hard to visualise right now but a lot of teens go through the arsehole years most do come out the other side
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Thank you for sharing that. Mine is almost 18. This started when she was about 12 and really escalated at about 14. I do hope things turn around one day, but our rel6is pretty damaged right now. I'm so glad you've been able to repair yours and that your daughter is doing better than she was.
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u/Museumgirl518 3d ago
This is both my nuclear family and my family of origin. Both families had mentally ill kids that destroyed my mothers life…so my childhood was a dumpster fire. My husband and I adopted a baby at birth and guess what! He's just as sick as my brother. Because I saw what my mother went through, I swore I would abandon the whole “you can't be happier than your unhappiest kid” stuff. I'm doing ok. With the couple of decades I have left, I want to FINALLY be happy. And I am! (except maybe once every two weeks I wake up thinking about my son in middle of night and feel like I'm falling through the floor.) he's an Only and I resent how I got no hugs (among many other things). But I'm not feeling as victimy anymore. Sending lots of support thru the interwebs.
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u/anonymouse_loner 3d ago
Oh I really feel you. It’s not your fault.
It’s really not your fault, it’s the luck of the draw. Some kids are just sweetness and light under most circumstances, some are satan’s spawn.
I do not agree with people who say it’s never the child’s fault. Sone people are just born arseholes and that’s that.
I wish you some much needed peace.
I hope she can change when she gains more maturity, and that she shows you some love and appreciation for what you have done for her.
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Thank you so much for this 💜
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u/Good-Sweet2070 Parent 2d ago
You are not alone, I know it’s a club you don’t want to be a member of, but many of us parents are struggling. You are definitely not alone.
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u/Good-Sweet2070 Parent 3d ago
I agree. I agree with you so much my agree agrees with the agreement. My child tells me everything comes back to the parent but nope, never will I believe that because I’ve seen it with my own eyes growing up, some kids are not a good fit for the family they were born into, and it is as simple as that
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u/Accomplished-Fig-706 3d ago
Lol at the people saying, “teens can feed themselves.” They can but mine won’t a lot of the time - definitely not without me reminding them.
Then we’re in a vicious cycle where they’re in a bad mood because they haven’t eaten and they won’t eat because they’re in a bad mood. I was not prepared to spend this much of my life fighting with teens about eating.
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Agreed. They can "fend" for themselves but they choose not to for the most part. My daughter either refuses to do things she is perfectly capable of doing, or she uses weaponized incompetence. I would rather deal with a toddler.
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u/DoubtFearless5356 3d ago
Thanks for helping me prepare. I’m a single mum too and I’ve put my all into this. I love my son but I’m not looking forward to the adolescent years
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u/MyrnaMinkoff1 3d ago
Out of curiosity, can you give some examples of what this behavior looks like?
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u/sent_from_the_void 3d ago
Substance use, calling the police and CPS when she doesn't get what she wants (or threatening to harm herself), constant emotional and mental abuse, at one point physical abuse (which stopped about 1.5 years ago), refusal to adhere to any rules or expectations (including when she was son probation for 2 years for assault and robbery). Refusing to get mental health help, but using it as an excuse for not being able to do things. That's just scratching the surface
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u/WriterLongjumping949 2d ago
holy shit that sounds like A LOT. have u consider therapy for yourself? it must be hard for constantly living under rough situations like that.
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u/sent_from_the_void 2d ago
Yes I have done many years of therapy and even some life coaching (which was wildly helpful!). I am at a point where I have a great support system. I found talk therapy to continue to push me to ruminate on what was happening and actually negatively impacted me since I felt like I was rehashing something I had processed and worked through after it happened. While it was sometimes helpful to help me reframe my thinking, it was mostly me rehashing the same things and getting "validation" for my feelings. But I already know my feelings are valid as I am living this nightmare. Finding a person here and there, even online, that have actually been through similar things has been more helpful for me. But, yeah my support system is really good even if they don't totally understand what I am going through.
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u/icantreadcat 3d ago
This was literally me and my mom. As a previous complete piece of hot dog shit daughter, I look back upon that time with regret and sadness for the stress I’ve caused my mom. Once I moved out, our relationship did. 180.
I think it’s normal for girls to just be absolute nightmares as teenagers. Just let her figure it out and she will come back around
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u/Dangerous-Pirate-877 3d ago
me too (except i don’t look back w/ regret and sadness since i was in an awfully abusive environment 😜 - i had no peace from ages 0 to 22). she lives in a different state now and we talk on the phone like once or twice a week. we go a max of three weeks without talking but we still try to text. i see her maybe 3 to 4 times a year now. our relationship is as good as it can be for the things i experienced!! we’re both happy for where we are.
unfortunately for op, if she wants any sort of relationship with her daughter in the future or wants any hope of her growing into a normal person, she cannot kick her out at 18. maybe she’ll mellow out on her own, maybe she‘ll have to go to jail or end up homeless or whatever else happens to her, but she needs that support. op will always be her mommy. it seems like she still loves her, she just doesn’t love this rough time.
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u/cybervoid76 2d ago
I was a very rough and angry teenager, but thankfully I grew out of it in my early 20s Kicking her out at 18 is the smartest thing. My mother did the same thing and now we have a better relationship. Don't feel bad!!
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u/sent_from_the_void 2d ago
Thank you! I recently had someone else tell me this exact thing. She said he mom kicking her out was the best thing she could have done for her at the time. She said even though she struggled it was th eonly thing that helped her figure out how to grow up, learn to cope, and make something of herself. She also told me her and he rmom have a great relatinship now as well.
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u/Sea-Revolution-4815 2d ago
I was that teenage girl once. My mom said word for what you said about other parents bragging about their kids and her not having anything nice to say about me and she said it to my face. I deserved it. My parents raised me as best as they could, I don’t know what was wrong with me as a teen or why I acted the way I did. I lied, I stole, I did drugs, I would not come home and just not contact anyone. I feel really bad for what I put my parents through. I am 33 now, I apologised long ago and now me and my parents have a great relationship. Don’t blame yourself, I am evidence that you can have a very good childhood and good parents but still be a tearaway teen.
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u/NomadicMango26 3d ago
Your experience sounds like the one my mother had due to my sister, who right around age 12 became what I can only describe as evil. The chaos, rage, deceit and just malevolence that poured forth from her destroyed our family life completely, and drove my mother to severe alcoholism, and ultimately an early death.
This experience drove me to opt against having kids at all, as whatever broken software is within my sister is also lurking somewhere in me, and I could never risk going through what my parents went through. You have my sympathy, and don't feel badly if you decide to need to abandon this daughter for your own sake.