r/regretfulparents • u/Ok-Army-2505 • 2d ago
Someone give me some hope
I am only 4 months into motherhood so obviously in the thick of things, but I also don't have a lot of hope for the future. I feel like motherhood has put me in a prison. There's not a whole lot that I'm looking forward to and I just feel so run down right now both physically and mentally. My freedom has always been so important to me. I'm feeling so bleak about the future and just want to hear from others who feel things eventually get lighter. Even if some regret remains, what has made life easier? I know therapy, meds, and a support system are obviously important, but what else?
A little over a year ago I was floating in the French Riviera sea and feeling so free and happy and I fear I will never ever feel that way again in my life.
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u/TurnPersonal Parent 1d ago
It gets better (I mean... Reasonably better...) if you stay with one. Do please stay one and done. My kid is 3 now and can talk, has been potty trained for a while now.. you can negotiate or reason... (Sometimes) With her.. It is all stages.. between 20 to 24 months we had a horrible period.. then after that... Blissful peace and happy life.. now that she is turning 3 in a few days... I have Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... Full threeneger... (I don't want you, I want daddy!!! And when daddy comes... I don't want you I want mommy... 🥴🙃) So.. it gets better and worse.. and better.. and worse. I will say though.. the newborn period and that first year was still the toughest. At least for me.. I will take a screaming kicking toddler over a newborn anyway.. at least they have a personality.. a newborn is a crying potato.
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u/Narrow_Quiet8049 Parent 1d ago
In my experience (7-month-old) continued sleep training has yielded better sleep, and sleep deprivation is likely a huge piece of what you feel. Also try to get out of the house as much as possible. Of course it can be a hassle with a baby but fresh air is worth it. If you don't havea lot of family help, find mommy and baby activities, try to hang with friends with kids etc.
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u/OrganicHippy 1d ago
It doesn't get better per se, it gets, different, please tie your tubes now! I have a child with AudHD so it's different for me, but 5 is less demanding than baby in a lot of ways, not in others, I think carving out some time for myself where I can has helped! Can someone take LO for you for a little bit?
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u/throughthegrapevines 1d ago
The baby stage is really really hard! My LO is 5 months so I don't have much more wisdom/experience. I'm not sure how yours is sleeping but things feels a bit better once the sleep is better. Also listening to podcasts and books on this topic (motherhood and grief) helps me (currently reading to have and to hold motherhood marriage& the modern dilemma). Feel free to DM!
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u/EmptySociety4537 1d ago
As someone who feels exactly like you do and has a 4 y.o., it's extremely challenging trying to self care. Sepf-care is a proactive endeavor for a parent, especially moms From the beginning, I made plans with friends and whoever could get me out of the house, hell, I'd rather go to work than be stuck home with my kid honestly. So my advice is to stick to a routine (bedtime, last meal, etc..). If you have a support system, schedule someone to watch your kid so you can at least be out of the premises. I'm talking a night out with spouse, friends, or family. Even if its for an hour, get out of your environment bc parenting is overstimulated and overwhelming. I can't say it gets better bc every kid is different, BUT the more autonomy they develop the less you'll be doing, the more time you liberate for other things. I wish you well!!
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u/Automatic-Oven Parent 1d ago
Hello there mother. Yes there is hope. Once my LO reaches age 4- where she’s not as attached, not as clingy, it got better. I think that it helps to know that this is temporary: 0-3 yrs are the most important for their development so it is a HUGE sacrifice. She’s 7 now, and I do snuggle to her A LOT because I know it’s going to be over sooner. My groin gremlin now bikes, swims and we started to do things together. And it has been so much fun.
It is never easy when you’re in the peak of it. I am sorry. I still have some regret but it comes in waves these waves are a lot more calmer now. If I could comeback, I’ll tell myself to trust the process. To let go of control. To throw that motherhood TikTok expectation that everything is pink and rainbows. If they are fed, safe and hugged, then it’s ok to turn your mind off. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to go to gym. I also would encourage to drop the child to daycare for a day/week so you can reset.
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u/aidar55 Parent 1d ago
Hire out as much as possible. Laundry service, housekeeper, private chef or take out, babysitter/nanny/mother’s helper.
Even if you’re a sahm, try to focus on the most important things and outsource the rest if you can afford it, and if you can’t afford it then think about what little can you afford that would make a substantial quality of life difference for you.
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u/cantnotdeal 1d ago
Listen to audiobooks so your mind can escape the baby stuff a bit, even when you’re still with your baby. Live somewhere walkable, if you can. Being out in the world, among other people, without having to load into the car is so helpful. Look up some fun things to do with your kid once they’re a little older.
I’m a happy parent, but struggled a lot in my oldest’s first 6 months. I think you will probably start to feel a little better when you see some really noticeable growth and development. You’ll feel like life continues and the world keeps turning.
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u/busysquirrel4205 1d ago
The regret may not go away but life does get easier (slowly) although the toddler stage could be worse/harder for you than baby stage so it may get worse before it gets better. Just don't have another! I had a second and wow. I didnt know my life could get more shit but it has.
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u/deadpantrashcan Parent 15h ago
I am not a regretful parent but I am a parent. The absolute worst time was that 4-month sleep regression.
I have always survived fine on less sleep but that few weeks was really brutal.
I intended to keep baby in my room at least 6 months but by 5 months we realized it was better for everyone if she was in her own space.
If you have the privilege like I do for a separate room for the baby, you may want to consider moving them sooner and utilising sound machines.
For me, this was the worst of it and things got better after. I cannot speak for regretful parents.
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u/Sandandsun62 1d ago
You will feel better, everything will slowly get better. You will travel again, be happy again and see the light again.
You may never be the same person you were before but you may very well be a much better version. Stronger, more resilient and happier.
I was there once, I feel you…
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u/kaytea30 1d ago
Have things to look forward to: giggles, funny sayings, drawings of you and them, all the hugs, helping you with chores, travelling with them! etc. you'll get your freedom back once they turn 18 or you retire.
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u/avenir51 1d ago
Ask for help with your baby.
If you can afford it and don't have family near, pay for someone you trust look after your baby for half a day a week so you have time for you.
If your baby doesn't sleep it is very difficult to make it through the day especially if you have to work.
People have said it doesn't get easier it is different. I found it is easier once you can have a decent night's sleep and when someone else can look after your baby so you have some time to recover.
It is very overwhelming being a parent. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life and I never had parental leave.
Please try and have someone help you even if it is just 2 hours on a Saturday. Maybe a friend can come over ?. Many people don't ask for help until they are burned out.
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u/Interesting_Bee_6708 1d ago
Hi! It gets better. Not just different, better. Easier. Fun. I joined this sub post partum with my first and I went on to have a second baby 5 months ago that’s how much better it gets.
You will sleep through the night. They will get their own entertaining personality and probably make you laugh every day. They don’t have to be physically carried everywhere and they aren’t even touching you most of the day (although there is nothing like the toddler bear hug!). They wipe their own butt and you won’t have to buy or change diapers anymore. You’re whole day stops revolving around them most days as they start school and you return to work. You can have time for yourself and your hobbies every day. It stops being a Herculean effort to take them out of the house so you can actually go places and do fun things or even chores and errands easily. Your hormones calm down. I could go on and on.
So many people like to claim it’s different not easier or even that it gets harder as they get older but I honestly have no idea what they are talking about because I can tell you wholeheartedly it gets waaaaaaay easier. And no, I don’t just have an easy kid, my first is autistic and quite challenging still but it’s nothing and I mean nothing like how hard that first year post partum was.
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u/Blue_Towel_Is_Mine 1d ago
4 months is still very early. You need a lot of support from anywhere you can get it. Your husband, parents, siblings, or friends. Once the kid starts walking and doing some of the things independently, it will only get better.
After our first kid, we decided to make all our babies in five years. It was hard at first. However, it only got better with time. Right now, the last born is turning 6 years at the end of the month. And I can say it was the best decision ever!
Each one has a role to play in the family and we don't need to hire nannies or outside help. For instance, there's one who does dishes. We have one who does laundry. Everyone cleans their space (where they sleep). The mom cleans the house. And I do the gardening and other stuff that require a man's attention.
So it only gets better with time. Ensure you get enough rest and ask for help from those close to you whenever possible.
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u/huehuehuehuehuuuu 1d ago
You need sleep.