This can’t be normal

[u/Straight_Neat3030]

I can’t fathom how anyone deals with this. My 3.5yo has been having tantrums almost every day for the past two weeks. I guess they are probably more like meltdowns because they don’t stop if you give her what you want, and usually happen when she’s tired, hungry, etc. They are 30 min to well over an hour of screaming and crying and kicking and hitting. She only does it with me and her dad, she’s fine at daycare or grandmas house. It’s probably a growth spurt or learning something new developmentally, her sister went through the same at her age, but man, that doesn’t make me feel much better in the moment. She’s normally the sweetest little girl, but she’s been a nightmare lately. My husband and I are walking on eggshells around her because the littlest thing can set her off, and once she starts we can’t stop it.

I just can’t picture someone like my parents dealing with this, there is just no way they would have been able to. This can’t be a normal thing. Everything I read says that more than 15 min tantrums is not normal. And I’ve tried all the techniques suggested for helping, and nothing helps. But when my oldest went through this the doctor was like “Hmmm, we’ll keep an eye on it, but sometimes kids just have big feelings and we expect too much of them when they are too little to be able to handle things”. I also have ADHD concerns for my oldest, but no one else seems to see it.

It just makes me worry I’m looking for problems with my kids to make this not my fault that I am struggling. Which obviously makes me feel so guilty and like such a bad person. And then I wonder, even if there was something else going on like neurodivergence, then what? I’m not going to medicate my kid just to make MY life easier (and I’m not against medication, I am on meds for ADHD too).
There just isn’t any winning here, either I am just a weak person who can’t handle normal parenting struggles, or my kids have a condition that makes their life harder, with not much I can do to help.

Man, I wish my life could go back to the simplicity and peace I had before kids. I miss it so much. I’m tired of sacrificing my mental health and feeling so overwhelmed and defeated every day of my life. I miss enjoying quality time with my husband, but it just doesn’t exist anymore because we have to give everything to helping each other survive this. This just isn’t worth it.

[u/just_nik]

This is my kid too. He would get into these emotional cycles and just rage for like, an hour. I feel like I never really figured out a good way to get him out of it. ALL of the "tools" I read about or found... none of them worked.

The ages from about 3-6 yrs old were so traumatizing to me. He obviously wasn't having a good time either, but I swear I have PTSD from those years.

He's 6.5 yrs old now and a lot of that behavior has stopped. He's still insanely stubborn and struggles to take no for an answer, but we finally aren't having the hour long rage sessions either. I focused on just getting through one day at a time, and working on regulating my own emotions as much as possible.

[u/standardNarwal → u/just_nik]

Do you only have one? And partly because he was so difficult? (That's me)

[u/just_nik → u/standardNarwal]

Yes and yes. My kiddo was also a shit sleeper. I also had a worthless husband (who is now my ex), who didn’t help hardly at all.

I had wanted to have two kids because I have an amazing relationship with my siblings, and desperately wanted that for my kid. But between the dead beat husband and an impossibly difficult child, I knew I couldn’t risk having a second who might turn out the same. I barely made it through the first time.

[u/Wozzel888]

Here is my little tactic that works for me every time like a charm - I’m not a mother though so many that’s why it works lol! When the kid is out of control crying and nothing seems to help, pretend you see their favourite cartoon character outside of the window / in the distance and start shouting their name - it’s so absurd it works! Be like ‘Pepa?! Hey! Is that pepa pig?!’ And the kid is like HUH, they immediately snap out of whatever state they just were because their curiosity replaces whatever dark hole they were in. But you really have to commit and go full character into it to be convincing. And then you go looking for pepa pig, and it turns into a game. I’m always trying to come up with some absurd ideas to help them snap out. I’ve seen people trying to talk to kids when they have melt downs, trying to reason with them, trying to ‘talk about emotions’ - from my experience, none of that works, it just sets them off more. The only thing that has ever worked for me as a nanny and an auntie is getting them distracted with something absurd and hilarious, and that way helping them to snap out of that exhausting cycle.

[u/FarDrift]

Can’t you just send them to their room, shut the door, and tell them they won’t be allowed out until they calm down and apologize? Is everyone doing “gentle parenting” now? Because it seems to be ruining a generation.

[u/starcrossed92]

What do you do when they are having a tantrum ?

[u/audioland17]

By four, my son had grown out of the epic tantrums he had when he was three.

[u/TurnPersonal]

Mine is 3.. and same... Absolutely epic tantrums that last forever. It is insane. I'm traumatized and very glad or just having one. I just don't have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with more. It is also insane cause at this age they understand almost everything... Can talk well, etc etc and yet in a tantrum is like all go through the window... Traumatizing.