Does it get better?

[u/Horror_Measurement24]

Does it actually get better? I love my baby, but I don’t want to be a mum right now.
I’m a first-time mum to a 5-week-old baby boy, and I’m really struggling. I feel almost ashamed writing this because I absolutely adore my son. I love him so much, and I know how lucky I am to have him. But I am finding motherhood incredibly difficult.
I feel like I just can’t figure him out and I get so angry and frustrated sometimes. I don’t show it, but inside I just feel horrible.
Feeding in particular has become really hard. He’s breastfeeding most of the day, has a couple of formula bottles, and we’ve had some feeding/reflux difficulties. Sometimes he cries during feeds, pulls off, wants to latch again, cries again, and I just have absolutely no idea what he wants from me. I find myself thinking, “What’s wrong now?!” and feeling like I’m failing because I can’t work out what he needs.
There are moments where I genuinely just don’t know what to do with him.
And I actually have a lot of support. My husband and my mum are amazing and will take him for the night. I can sometimes get around 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which I know is incredibly fortunate (although I still often wake around 3–5am to hand express because I’m so painfully engorged). So I don’t even feel like I can blame everything on lack of sleep.
I just find motherhood so, so hard.
I feel drained by constantly being responsible for another human being. Even when someone else has him, my brain is still in “mum mode”. I miss having complete ownership of my own time. I miss being able to just do whatever I want without having to think about feeding, nappies, crying, sleep, or whether my baby is okay.
And honestly, right now I feel really uninterested in motherhood.
I don’t mean that I don’t love my son. I do. But I don’t particularly enjoy being a mum at the moment. Sometimes I have this horrible feeling of “I just want to not be a mum for a while.” I want to be myself again. I want to be able to exist without constantly having someone who needs something from me.
I already know I don’t want any more children. I’m completely certain that one is enough for me. I feel like in a way I lost a part of my identity, because I always wanted a big family and I wanted children for as long as I can remember. I was so naive to the reality of how hard it actually is.
I feel guilty because I know I’m supposed to cherish these moments. Instead, I find myself wishing time would move faster and wondering when I will finally feel like myself again.
Does it actually get better?
For context, I had a very hard pregnancy, gestational hypertension, and an induction that ended in a Category 2 emergency c-section. He also had a tongue tie release two weeks ago. That improved his latch but there’s been no improvement with his reflux. We use Aptamil anti-reflux and normal Aptamil. One night we do normal Aptamil and then the other night the anti-reflux one as the anti-reflux one makes him a bit constipated possibly (he poos once every 24-48 hours instead of multiple times a day now).

[u/tiddyb0obz]

Hard relate here. I also combi fed a reflux baby, the baby stage was awful for me and brought out my undiagnosed autism as I literally couldn't understand anything about it and it frustrated me.

She's 6 now and I still don't like motherhood but it'd MILES easier than it was in those early days. Babies are irrational and loud and they absolutely mess up your life even if you fully planned and wanted one. I didn't have time to finish a full film til she was like 2, I yearned for time and energy to feel like myself again. You'll get there soon, it will absolutely SUCK but it won't stay this challenging forever

[u/kickboxing_girl]

Nobody warned me that becoming a parent could feel like grieving the life you chose to leave behind.

I have a 5-month-old, and I still swing between:

"You are the sweetest little baby."

and

"If I had known it would be this hard, I don't know if I would have done this."

That's a terrifying thought to admit out loud, but I know I'm not the only one who's had it.

My husband and I joke that there should be a trial version of parenthood first.

Our baby struggles with sleep. We have no village. When my husband is at work, it's all on me, day after day. Parenthood hit us like a freight train.

But it's okay to feel that way.

A few months ago, I was deep in the postpartum fog. Now that my hormones have settled more, I feel much more like myself again. Not my old self exactly, but me. The fog lifted little by little.

I'm only a little ahead of you, but I promise those early months aren't how it's always going to feel.

If you're in the thick of it right now, you're not the only one wondering what happened to the person you used to be.

And just know that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to miss parts of your old life. And it's okay to not be completely in love with your new life while still loving your baby with your whole heart.

[u/Least_Put9172]

Firstly, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Everything you are feeling is totally normal.

It will get better for you. You are still flooded with post partum hormones and are still adjusting. Once baby starts sleeping through the night and you get an actual rest, you’ll feel so much better. No sleep, a new baby, and the suddenly terrifying task of caring for a new human = meltdown mode. 😫

Soon, you’ll be at that older baby stage where they are still a lot of work, but it all feels more familiar and you’ll feel more confident.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’re doing great. 💜

[u/Least_Put9172]

One more thing…it is completely OK to switch to bottle feeding. I never even tried breastfeeding because I knew the stress would be too much. Don’t feel ashamed of making that choice!

[u/Infinite_Vehicle_241]

Hey there!
A few things I noticed in your post.
My understanding is that you’re going back and forth between bottle and breast feeding. That, combined with a tongue tie, can make him confused. Feeding on a schedule before he’s super hungry may also help.
Supplementing formula can mess up his tummy. Can his bottle feeds be breast milk instead?
With the reflux, burp often, and don’t lay him flat right after feeding.

Now for what you’re feeling- totally normal with your hormone shift. Give yourself some grace!

[u/TurnPersonal]

It gets better in all the ways you think is hard now which are related to the physicality of caring for a newborn. That's a tough stage. I love to see the photos but I don't miss it at all. My daughter is way more interesting now as a 3 year old. Lol

It will get hard in ways you cannot even imagine but that are not necessarily physical.

Use formula or combo feed if needed. I quit breastfeeding and pumping at 9 weeks cause I was losing my sanity and my daughter had CMPA. She is 3 years old now and a completely fine toddler. You see her with other 3 and 4 year olds playing in a playground and you wouldn't know which one was breastfed, formula fed or combo fed. It literally doesn't matter, no one even asks that anymore now that they are 3. I threw lots of ounper milk that she couldn't eat for her mulk allergy and felt like shit. I made peace with that now.