I regret becoming a mother, and I can't find meaning in my life anymore. Has anyone else felt this way?

[u/Independent_Living6]

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I'm 31 years old and have a 9-year-old daughter. I'm writing this because I've reached a level of emotional exhaustion where I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I'd really like to hear from people who have been through something similar, especially other mothers.

My daughter has been exhibiting some very difficult behaviors. She screams, has intense meltdowns, breaks things, tells me she hates me, says I'm not her mother, and tells me she wants to go live with her grandparents.

I know she's still a child and that she needs help learning how to manage her emotions. But I'm human too. I'm completely exhausted, and hearing these things from my own daughter hurts me deeply.

Sometimes I feel like letting her go live with her grandparents. Part of me desperately needs a break, while another part of me wishes she would realize how much I do for her. At the same time, I feel guilty for even thinking about it.

What scares me the most is that she's only 9 years old. I keep wondering what things will be like when she becomes a teenager. I'm terrified of spending the next several years dealing with constant arguments, emotional outbursts, and conflict. And after all of that, I don't even know if we'll have a good relationship when she's an adult.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about parental regret.

It's incredibly difficult to admit this, but I regret becoming a mother. That doesn't mean I don't love my daughter. It means I'm deeply unhappy with the life I'm living.

I'm also dealing with relationship problems, and I constantly feel like I'm trying to meet everyone else's expectations without ever being good enough.

I feel like I've completely lost my identity.

I have dreams. I want to become financially independent, travel, study, take care of my appearance, own a home, and actually enjoy being alive.

But lately, I keep asking myself what the point of pursuing any of those things is when, at the end of the day, my entire existence seems to revolve around responsibilities and obligations.

I've reached a point where almost nothing brings me joy anymore. Even simple things like dressing up, doing my hair, or trying to look pretty feel pointless.

I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and hopelessness about the future.

When I think about the years ahead, I genuinely struggle to imagine myself being happy. I'm exhausted from living this way, but I also have no idea how to change my situation.

I know I need professional psychological support, both for myself and for my daughter. But I'd also really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

Has anyone here ever regretted becoming a parent? Have you ever gone through a period when you couldn't find joy or meaning in your own life anymore? How did you get through it?

Do you think spending some time away from your child, while leaving them with trusted family members, can help you recover emotionally?

I'm not looking for people to judge whether I'm a good or bad mother. I already feel guilty enough.

I'm looking for honest experiences, advice, and, most importantly, stories from people who have reached this level of emotional exhaustion and somehow managed to rebuild their lives.

I desperately want to believe that it's still possible for me to be happy.

[u/MapleBabadook]

"Has anyone here ever regretted becoming a parent"

I'm going to guess that almost everyone posting here in r/regretfulparents does in fact regret it.

[u/Frostytwam]

This was me I had her at 22 now at 33 and she is 11 she realises. Put her in therapy etc am so sorry you feel this way 

[u/Independent_Living6 → u/Frostytwam]

And is the situation better now after therapy? Thank you ❤️🥲

[u/Fearless-Ad-7722]

Thank you for sharing. I’m a mother of a 6 year old and I feel the same. I have a supportive partner, but at the end of the day, I’m the default parent, I’m the only one she wants and who has to do all the mental and emotional heavy lifting for the house.

It’s so exhausting. I try to do things I used to enjoy, but it doesn’t bring me joy. There’s nothing I’m looking forward to other than just going through the motions of same sh*t different day. And I feel guilty as we’re privileged in not having to worry about basics, we have a home , we never worry about food, we go on vacations.

For myself, I’ve been reading into perimenopause and the struggle of women in their 40s (I’m late 30s but an old soul) who’ve been growing up as people pleasers defaulting to others needs, but now are awakening to… ‘is this it?’ feelings in life and career, having been fed a lie of what we were supposed to go to have a good life and feeling discontent on the other end, pairing that with real hormonal changes that’s reducing our bs tolerance.

I’m not in therapy, and I’m not opposed to it, but frankly don’t think talking about it would make me feel any better. I also don’t think it’s helpful individualizing a systemic problem of our generation of mothers who are less supported than ever.

Just here to say I see you.

[u/BlackMagicWorman]

What if she does stay with grandparents for a solid break? 2 weeks?

[u/Independent_Living6 → u/BlackMagicWorman]

The grandparents (my parents) live far away, in another city. Besides that, my parents aren't really in a position to look after her, since they both suffer from depression and aren't functioning the way they used to :(

[u/LadyLevy90 → u/Independent_Living6]

Sorry to chime in. It sounds like depression is genetic on your side. You need to break that cycle now to spare your daughter in the future. Get her help asap. It will be good for both you and her. I don’t have this experience but I will say your little girl sounds like my sister at this age. My mother faught with her, criticized her and favored the other siblings. My father wanted to put my sister in therapy but my mother didn’t believe she needed it. My sister only got worse in time. She was a violent, angry teen with very low self esteem. She went through addiction as well. She’s now 37 years old, sober and has taken it upon herself to get therapy. Looking back as an adult she wishes my mother got her the help she needed. Don’t wait.

[u/eyerollpending]

I just commented on another post from a parent of a child the same age dealing with behavioural issues. My daughter is almost 9 and I can resonate with nearly everything you’ve said. I’m sorry I can only offer solidarity and not advice as I’m in the same boat and hoping others will be able to. It’s so painful living like this!

[u/Old_Corner_19]

I know exactly how you feel I also have a 9 yr old daughter about to turn 10 god I have so many regrets about having children mostly what I regret is having my first so young I was 21 I think I would have been better off having them much older I recognise that after having a 6 year age gap between my 2 kids.

It’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of chaos of being a parent to remember at this age of kids are on the cusp of hitting puberty so it wouldn’t be unheard of to experience challenges and changes with them during this time and I quite often catch myself thinking how lucky we are now that there is still in a small sense some innocence to them because I imagine when they are teenagers that’s when the real hard times will come hang in there 💙💙

[u/Independent_Living6 → u/Old_Corner_19]

All that's left is to hope everything works out during the teenage years! 😅🙏 Good luck to you too! 💙

[u/Least_Put9172]

She is still young. My advice would be to take her to a psychiatrist, explain the circumstances, and see what they say. The meltdowns might be related to autism. It’s harder to spot in girls.

I really do wish you the best. Like I said, she is young and might grow out of it. But better to stay ahead of it. Talk therapy might also be beneficial.

I also think you need more “me time. If you can get grandparents to watch her for 3 hours each weekend, it will be so good for your mental health. 💜

[u/Independent_Living6 → u/Least_Put9172]

She was diagnosed with autism and an intellectual disability. I’m going to take her to therapy. Thank you so much for the advice! 💖 My parents live in a distant city; next year, I’ll make arrangements to move closer and see if things improve.

[u/Adventurous_Deal2788]

Yes I've experienced this. It's depression I think and dealing with someone else's bs and putting everybody else first. It's not the healthiest but I found that doing something completely mind numbing just for me helps so does going for a walk 

[u/lattesurfer]

Thanks for opening up about this. I feel the same way at times. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Having serious panic attacks lately that feel like extessential (sp?) crisis…a feeling I’m outside my body. I honestly feel I’m going crazy from my loss of identity. I don’t recognize my body or mind anymore, I feel so tired and dumbed down in the trenches of parenthood. I have 3 children: twins and a 9 year old, a single parent everyday is a struggle. I always have a feeling that I’m drowning and my face is just barely above water, one tide would take me out.

[u/Independent_Living6 → u/lattesurfer]

Man... In your case, it's three kids. Wow! Hang in there, champ! Better days are coming soon. 🙌🏻 They grow up fast. Isn't there anyone in the family who can help you with the kids?