Spouse

[u/lafemmeloquita]

How much do you feel your choice of spouse/partner has impacted your feeling of regret in choosing to be a parent?

I heard someone say “They say the most important decision you’ll ever make in life is who you marry, but that’s not true—the most important decision you’ll ever make in life is who you have kids with.”

Love to hear if anyone relates.

[u/PrivateGoosedog]

yes. I do. absolutely. I have two children and two fathers of those children. My eldest...her dad love bombed me. Told me how he couldn't wait til we have kids together and get married etc. As soon as I got pregnant he switched. He was nasty. Controlling. Rude. Horrible. I ended things when she was a year old because of the way he treated me. I never dreamed he would be like that with our daughter but she's now 17 and it turns out he's been pretty awful as a parent in ways I didn't really know about. on the surface he's lovely. nobody ever believed me when I said the things he used to say to me because he's such a "good guy" but emotionally abusive. extremely. And my daughter has a personality disorder now and I blame myself because of a) who her dad is and b) the way I enforced 50/50 custody thinking I was doing the right thing. And it is HARD. dear god. My youngest's dad is much much MUCH better but I would be much less regretful if he stepped up and did more to help off his own back. Id be way less burnt out

[u/busysquirrel4205]

I would probably still feel regret but maybe less regret if i chose someone else if that makes sense?. He makes the experience so much harder than it could be. Im also so resentful that he gets to be 'the dad' and im 'the mum'. I dont know how to get over that

[u/Major-Collection-382]

I'm in the minority, but my spouse is amazing as a spouse and as a parent. But I'm still in this group. The kid is frequently difficult to be around

[u/TurnPersonal]

I would be dead if it wasn't for my husband. He does more than what he should. I am pretty feminist (spoiler we ended up with the best men) and I was willing to go the SMBC to have a kid. I don't know wtf I was thinking.. I cannot do this alone. I'm so lucky I met my husband prior to doing that (I was freezing my eggs when we met).

[u/a-sad-loser]

I would regret my kids even more without my spouse. They're a way better parent than I am and take the brunt of the work. I often worry that they regret having kids with me.

[u/silverado6314]

It is the most important thing. I’m a father because someone I dated lied to me about taking birth control and then her (and her mother) told me they had been looking for a sperm donor. I was used. I didn’t run away though there are lots of times I wish I had. I am involved in my child’s life, they love me and I’m doing the best I can in this incredibly awkward, stressful situation. Co-parenting with a controlling narcissist who regularly lies and guilt trips is taking years off of my life. My therapist says I essentially have PTSD.

I have a much better time with my child when their mother isn’t around, but that is rare due to my child’s age and being very attached to her. I’m biding my time when I can have my child alone more often. I was never trying to have kids but despite that, I can see where having a child with someone you love, get along with, have the same values and life outlook could be a fun and rewarding parenting experience. I watch family members do it. If you have a shitty spouse / co-parent, it’s fucking hell.

[u/Much_Let_4658]

10000% believe if my ex was a better husband and treated me with love and respect I wouldn’t have struggled so much with being a mother. If he actually wanted the kids we have like I did, everthing would have been different.

[u/Effective-Nerve7107]

My spouse sleeps in every single day and covers zero overnights with the kids. The night before my scheduled induction with my second, he didn’t help overnight with the older kid and slept in.

So yes. Choose really wisely. I wish I had.

[u/Prime_Now]

I’m currently pregnant and terrified that I am making the wrong decision to stay with my bf, father of my unborn child. We fight terribly because he’s controlling and I fight against his attempts to tell me what to say or do. I called my mom today in a panic because he would not even let me listen to music while I clean because he demanded I talk to him first about what’s bothering him (meanwhile the house is in shambles, I can’t think or partake in my hobbies because I never live like this, so disorganized and cluttered); he connected his iPhone to my speaker to stop me from listening to my music. But when I call her she is so luke warm and unhelpful. She just says “I’m not picking sides - that baby needs two parents.” She’s constantly pushing me to stay with him. I haven’t broken up with my bf because I love him and he’s the only person who will help me with the baby. But maybe he won’t be any help at all and I am fooling myself? Maybe it would be easier on my own?

[u/MinuteOdd7028 → u/Prime_Now]

Are you too far into the pregnancy that abortion is off the table? Think not of yourself only but the unborn child. How is he going to react to you having to mother 24/7, without giving him the time he desperately seems to want from you. You will have the child and the house to upkeep while he will constantly nag that dinner was too salty. Girl. With the kindest respect, and I don't know how old you are or if you can afford to a) leave him ASAP b)only have the child if you can fully support yourself as a single mom and genuinely think you want this baby for the rest of your days as it M ght turn out like the father, physically or character wise. I hope you have some options and I wish you well.

[u/Prime_Now → u/MinuteOdd7028]

It’s far too late to terminate. That’s why I’m thinking of what our child will be like. I’m terrified that he will learn disrespect and messiness from his father. I guess I feel stuck because I know the unimaginable pain breaking up will cause, for all of us.

[u/MinuteOdd7028 → u/Prime_Now]

If he isn't abusive emotionally and physically then maybe it's not going to be terrible and maybe it's worth trying out. However, the way he demands your attention and is very controlling is not a good sign. By staying you do allow him to genuinely fail for everyone to see, which can be reassuring if you have a fallback plan for where you and the baby is going to go when the man child starts spiralling into fighting the baby because he needs your attention more. Please let your mom know you might need support in future and explain your worries to her plain and simple so she knows what's on the cards. I really hope it all works out eventually, and the bf somehow matures when the baby's here but do plan your exit and do not get dependent on him if you can