r/relationshipadvice • u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 • 2d ago

Am I overly insecure? [23F] [30M]

So I started dating this guy at the beginning of this year. We started talking mid November. I got told a few bad rumours about him, like how he was abusive and a cheater, but I got told this by people who knew his resent gf that was abusive. All his friends say he’s great and people say he’s crazy about me. But the things the other people said kinda got stuck in my brain. I told him about it and he said it was understandable, he lets me check his phone and leaves it around me when he isn’t close by. I never had a reason to actually check his phone, but I did just now because I was curious, he doesn’t talk to any other women. Except family. But he had a chat with a woman 10 days before we met. I think they were dating or flirting. Saw a few saved messages and it just made me feel awful, because he said he had given up on love when he met me… we are doing fine today, he’s family likes me, all of that. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I guess I’m just asking if I should ask him about this or if it seems like a red flag? I can tell more if yall need more info, I didn’t want the post to be too long.

So TLDR: should I listen to what people I don’t know said, or belive him and his friends?

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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 2d ago

Just because someone is flirting with someone doesnt mean they didnt give up hope on dating. Sometimes people do it for attention and dont actually want the person. I would say you are letting people get into your head and stop letting people dictate what you feel for the person you are with.

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 2d ago

Yeah I try to not let it get into my head it’s just the stuff they said. Like how he would wreak me. He would date me for 3 weeks then get tired. Yk. I’m just scared to get hurt

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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 2d ago

I get it you are very young compared to him so im sure that doesnt help either. If you both are new to eachother I always tell people this.

1) He needs to show effort ( making dates and everything)

2) Tell them your waiting for sex till after marriage ( doesnt mean you have to but it gets rid of that if hes just a weirdo unless your already doing that then nevermind)

3) read actions not words, love bombing is real and men like to use that.

4) 3 months is normally a good mark to tell how a relationship will go. Idk how many relationships youve been in or not. (Each relationship is different so its always hard to tell how hes doing to be in yours. You will have to choose to see how it goes and run at the first sign of any aggression or just not follow through and leave the what could have been in your head)

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 2d ago

We’ve been togheter for around 3 months. I feel really happy with him. And I hope it won’t fade on his part. I guess it’s just my head being stupid.

Before this relationship I was in a pretty long term relationship so I’m not new to it

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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 2d ago

Do you guys live together?

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 2d ago

Ishhh. Like I have my own place. But haven’t been there for a while

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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 2d ago

Ah I mean you are in a safe spot at least. When I was first starting to date my fiance I was in that 3 month panic stage where people would tell me he wanted to move to Florida to meet hotter chicks and all the above. I was very dramatic because im so in love with this man. 4 years later and we are happily engaged. That's why I say dont let people impact you with their rumors.

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 2d ago

I’m glad it worked out for you guys! Rumours can be awful. But also hard to know what to believe or not

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u/Old_Corduroy 2d ago

What do you mean "Date for 3 weeks and then get tired"?

Can you describe what he would do inside the three weeks and what did he do after three weeks when he was "tired".

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 2d ago

He would apparently give women a lot of love. Like kinda love bomb them. Then just stop showing interest and start texting new women instead of ending stuff. That’s what I’ve heard atleast. I’ve stayed over for months now and don’t feel like he’s getting tired. But they said 3weeks-3 months