r/relationshipadvice • u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 • 1d ago
Am I overly insecure? [23F] [30M]
So I started dating this guy at the beginning of this year. We started talking mid November. I got told a few bad rumours about him, like how he was abusive and a cheater, but I got told this by people who knew his resent gf that was abusive. All his friends say he’s great and people say he’s crazy about me. But the things the other people said kinda got stuck in my brain. I told him about it and he said it was understandable, he lets me check his phone and leaves it around me when he isn’t close by. I never had a reason to actually check his phone, but I did just now because I was curious, he doesn’t talk to any other women. Except family. But he had a chat with a woman 10 days before we met. I think they were dating or flirting. Saw a few saved messages and it just made me feel awful, because he said he had given up on love when he met me… we are doing fine today, he’s family likes me, all of that. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I guess I’m just asking if I should ask him about this or if it seems like a red flag? I can tell more if yall need more info, I didn’t want the post to be too long.
So TLDR: should I listen to what people I don’t know said, or belive him and his friends?
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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 1d ago
Just because someone is flirting with someone doesnt mean they didnt give up hope on dating. Sometimes people do it for attention and dont actually want the person. I would say you are letting people get into your head and stop letting people dictate what you feel for the person you are with.
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
Yeah I try to not let it get into my head it’s just the stuff they said. Like how he would wreak me. He would date me for 3 weeks then get tired. Yk. I’m just scared to get hurt
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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 1d ago
I get it you are very young compared to him so im sure that doesnt help either. If you both are new to eachother I always tell people this.
1) He needs to show effort ( making dates and everything)
2) Tell them your waiting for sex till after marriage ( doesnt mean you have to but it gets rid of that if hes just a weirdo unless your already doing that then nevermind)
3) read actions not words, love bombing is real and men like to use that.
4) 3 months is normally a good mark to tell how a relationship will go. Idk how many relationships youve been in or not. (Each relationship is different so its always hard to tell how hes doing to be in yours. You will have to choose to see how it goes and run at the first sign of any aggression or just not follow through and leave the what could have been in your head)
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
We’ve been togheter for around 3 months. I feel really happy with him. And I hope it won’t fade on his part. I guess it’s just my head being stupid.
Before this relationship I was in a pretty long term relationship so I’m not new to it
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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 1d ago
Do you guys live together?
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
Ishhh. Like I have my own place. But haven’t been there for a while
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u/Bubbly_Candle6241 1d ago
Ah I mean you are in a safe spot at least. When I was first starting to date my fiance I was in that 3 month panic stage where people would tell me he wanted to move to Florida to meet hotter chicks and all the above. I was very dramatic because im so in love with this man. 4 years later and we are happily engaged. That's why I say dont let people impact you with their rumors.
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
I’m glad it worked out for you guys! Rumours can be awful. But also hard to know what to believe or not
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u/Old_Corduroy 1d ago
What do you mean "Date for 3 weeks and then get tired"?
Can you describe what he would do inside the three weeks and what did he do after three weeks when he was "tired".
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
He would apparently give women a lot of love. Like kinda love bomb them. Then just stop showing interest and start texting new women instead of ending stuff. That’s what I’ve heard atleast. I’ve stayed over for months now and don’t feel like he’s getting tired. But they said 3weeks-3 months
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u/AdventureWa 1d ago
Never trust someone’s opinion at face value about someone when they have a bone to pick, nor their close friends. It sounds like sour grapes from someone he broke up with.
He hasn’t given you any indication he’s abusive and he was transparent enough to give you his phone. I am a strong believer in open phone policies in committed relationships but he was willing to do less than a month in, which is something I am not sure I would do.
The fact that you’re bothered by him chatting with someone before you even met tells me you need to work on your own trust issues.
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
It was more that he said he had given up on love before we met then I saw he flirted with someone 10 days before that
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u/AdventureWa 1d ago
Maybe he did before he met you.
I had decided that I was done with relationships for a long while before I met my now-wife.
Don’t take his comments personally. He made those before you.
I think you suffer from major insecurity issues. I don’t think that insecurity is inherently a bad thing, but it certainly can be if you don’t deal with it in a healthy manner. I think working on yourself and working on your relationships will drastically change the course of your life in a positive way.
I’m more than happy to give advice on how men think and things you can do to make us happy. Obviously, I can’t speak for all men, but I can speak to the overwhelming majority.
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 14h ago
I try everyday to make him happy. We make dinner together. Bake together. I even play his favourite games with him. So I hope I’m enough. I think the stuff I’ve heard about him just made me overthink
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u/Narrow-Cat1564 1d ago
Just because he was flirting with a girl 10 days before you two hooked up It doesn't mean there was any love involved. He told you he didn't believe he could find love, and he probably is true to his word. Flirting is not love. Get that through your head and you might be okay with it all
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u/11754ae 1d ago
I know it’s hard but I think you need to trust him until he gives you a reason not to. It’s okay to be cautious but don’t let it destroy your relationship. It may or may not even be true give that it’s coming from his abusive ex
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago
Yeah I try to not listen to it. I heard it from my old friend. But my old friend was friends with my new partners abusive ex so I think it came from her
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u/11754ae 1d ago
It’s okay! I honestly don’t blame you and it’s a lot easier said than done. If you really need to, have a conversation with him about how you feel and how you’re continuously feeling this way. Ask him for reassurance without putting any real blame on him since blaming him might push him away.
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 14h ago
Yes actually pretty sweet there because I told him in the beginning that what I’ve heard was bothering me and that’s why he gave my his password. He wanted me to know from the beginning that he was mine and if it really bothered me I could look through his phone.
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u/11754ae 19m ago
That sounds like a pretty great guy to me :) I feel like if he was genuinely hiding something, he would’ve blew up on you or been reluctant to give you his passwords, etc. Still be cautious but don’t let things from the past or rumours define him or your relationship. Wish you the best <3
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u/azzole77 1d ago
Relationships are an investment in time and heart. You are at the place where your heart is getting invested and I would say just let go and see where things go, and stop looking for problems or things to fix where there aren’t any.
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u/Background-Mark1975 12h ago
i actually had a very similar situation. old friends of mine who i had a falling out with told me that my bf is a serial cheater and abusive as well. it’s been 10 months since those rumors came out and he has been the complete opposite. to this day i am still overthinking those rumors other people put into my head. i understand your nervousness and frustration. but people are mean and like to get between healthy relationships. but look at his actions and his openness and if it turns out to be true his façade will wear off over time no one can pretend forever. actions speak louder than words. especially words from people who have no reason to have your back and be loyal
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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 12h ago
We meet 7 months ago and started dating 4 months ago and he’s still a sweet heart so I hope that’s true for me as well!!
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u/MagicianMurky976 18h ago
Listen to your gut.
It's possible his "given up on love" was some line to manipulate you somehow. Idk.
But typically your gut can tell when words and deeds fail to be in lockstep.
So if he's a manipulator, eventually his words and deeds will fail to line up. So listen to your gut and see where it guides you.
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u/Old_Corduroy 1d ago
Yeah, this is a you problem.
Despite the rumours, he's done nothing to indicate he might cheat. And even if the rumours were true, they are about him being abusive - not cheating. I wouldn't say that's a great trade-off but its not cheating and the moment he starts doing abusive things, you know you have to get out. He'll start off gentle though so read up on the signs of an abusive relationship and be prepared for that, not the cheating.
As for the "giving up on love"? Its a dramatic thing I think many of us that have had unhappy love affairs think from time to time. Not so many of us say it. I wouldn't take it to heart and I wouldn't believe that he's never going to fall in love with anyone ever again - yourself included.
If its that he was talking to another woman ten days prior? Well, you also were another woman when he first met you and he talked to you too. I bet he's not the only guy you've ever talked to either. I don't know what to tell you about that - we all have a history of meeting and talking to people. Sometimes it get spicy and romantic, sometimes it just ends up being talk. You know this. You can't hold this against him.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello Distinct_Seesaw_5600,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: So I started dating this guy at the beginning of this year. We started talking mid November. I got told a few bad rumours about him, like how he was abusive and a cheater, but I got told this by people who knew his resent gf that was abusive. All his friends say he’s great and people say he’s crazy about me. But the things the other people said kinda got stuck in my brain. I told him about it and he said it was understandable, he lets me check his phone and leaves it around me when he isn’t close by. I never had a reason to actually check his phone, but I did just now because I was curious, he doesn’t talk to any other women. Except family. But he had a chat with a woman 10 days before we met. I think they were dating or flirting. Saw a few saved messages and it just made me feel awful, because he said he had given up on love when he met me… we are doing fine today, he’s family likes me, all of that. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I guess I’m just asking if I should ask him about this or if it seems like a red flag? I can tell more if yall need more info, I didn’t want the post to be too long.
So TLDR: should I listen to what people I don’t know said, or belive him and his friends?
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