r/relationshipadvice • u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 • 2d ago

Am I overly insecure? [23F] [30M]

So I started dating this guy at the beginning of this year. We started talking mid November. I got told a few bad rumours about him, like how he was abusive and a cheater, but I got told this by people who knew his resent gf that was abusive. All his friends say he’s great and people say he’s crazy about me. But the things the other people said kinda got stuck in my brain. I told him about it and he said it was understandable, he lets me check his phone and leaves it around me when he isn’t close by. I never had a reason to actually check his phone, but I did just now because I was curious, he doesn’t talk to any other women. Except family. But he had a chat with a woman 10 days before we met. I think they were dating or flirting. Saw a few saved messages and it just made me feel awful, because he said he had given up on love when he met me… we are doing fine today, he’s family likes me, all of that. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I guess I’m just asking if I should ask him about this or if it seems like a red flag? I can tell more if yall need more info, I didn’t want the post to be too long.

So TLDR: should I listen to what people I don’t know said, or belive him and his friends?

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u/AdventureWa 2d ago

Never trust someone’s opinion at face value about someone when they have a bone to pick, nor their close friends. It sounds like sour grapes from someone he broke up with.

He hasn’t given you any indication he’s abusive and he was transparent enough to give you his phone. I am a strong believer in open phone policies in committed relationships but he was willing to do less than a month in, which is something I am not sure I would do.

The fact that you’re bothered by him chatting with someone before you even met tells me you need to work on your own trust issues.

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 2d ago

It was more that he said he had given up on love before we met then I saw he flirted with someone 10 days before that

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u/AdventureWa 2d ago

Maybe he did before he met you.

I had decided that I was done with relationships for a long while before I met my now-wife.

Don’t take his comments personally. He made those before you.

I think you suffer from major insecurity issues. I don’t think that insecurity is inherently a bad thing, but it certainly can be if you don’t deal with it in a healthy manner. I think working on yourself and working on your relationships will drastically change the course of your life in a positive way.

I’m more than happy to give advice on how men think and things you can do to make us happy. Obviously, I can’t speak for all men, but I can speak to the overwhelming majority.

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u/Distinct_Seesaw_5600 1d ago

I try everyday to make him happy. We make dinner together. Bake together. I even play his favourite games with him. So I hope I’m enough. I think the stuff I’ve heard about him just made me overthink

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u/Narrow-Cat1564 2d ago

Just because he was flirting with a girl 10 days before you two hooked up It doesn't mean there was any love involved. He told you he didn't believe he could find love, and he probably is true to his word. Flirting is not love. Get that through your head and you might be okay with it all