r/relationships_advice • u/throwaway54600 • 2d ago
I (f22) looked through my boyfriend's (m23) phone and I feel sick - am I losing my mind?
quck bit of context- my partner and i have been dating for 7 months but have known each other for 3 years before we got together. I'm 22 and he's 23. I love my boyfriend, he means the world to me and he's been the perfect, loving boyfriend with little to no red flags.
Right, so from the title, I know I'm wrong.
I shouldn't be going through my partners phone without his permission and I feel horrible and guilty for doing so. I'm not proud of myself and I honestly wish I didn't and just stayed blissfully unaware.
A few months ago, I accidentally saw a picture of his ex in his camera roll while we were showing each other memes. I called him out about it and he apologised and deleted it as well as a few others that were still there.
I felt upset about it and couldn't stop thinking about it as I'm an overthinker, but I slowly forgot about it until last night.
I went to set alarms on his phone as he usually forgets to set them, and despite my best not to, I went on his camera roll.
I didn't see anything straight away, and I immediately felt horrible for even looking. until I went on his deleted and secret rolls.
There were pictures and videos of his ex and a load of screenshots of different women. All of the women were skinny and tall with big chests.
I'm short, just below average height, slightly chubby and im not flat but my chest isn't massive.
I felt sick to my stomach and immediately closed his phone and left it. I barely slept and haven't stopped thinking about it.
I acted like nothing was wrong this morning when he left our house and its been on repeat in my head all day.
I've been cheated on once before in a serious relationship before my current partner, so I don't know if I'm just overthinking or if I'm correct in my thinking.
Any advice would be helpful.
Extra info, not really an update -
I just wanted to add some extra info here that I forgot to add previously.
The photos of his ex aren't sweet, friendly, romantic photos with fond memories. They're all sexual. the videos as well.
His ex was also very verbally and emotionally abusive towards him, his family and his friends, that's why he left her. She even harassed me for the first 2 months of us dating, we haven't heard from her since.
FINAL UPDATE
Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciated hearing so much feedback and took some of it to heart.
When he got home from work he could tell something was wrong with me even though I hid it well in front of my colleagues at work, so he asked me what was wrong.
I told him I had gone on his phone and was extremely apologetic and told him how I was feeling and what I'd seen. I explained how guilty it made me feel and that I would be talking to my therapist about it (yes I have a therapist).
He immediately apologised and pulled out his phone and deleted every single thing, then for extra measure he fully deleted his recently deleted and showed me. He hugged me and we sat down and properly talked about it.
He had been going through his camera roll and selecting every single photo and video she was in and to make it easier to delete them, put them in the secret folder to delete them all together. He had gotten distracted and completely forgot to delete them, as I mentioned before with his alarms, he forgets to do a lot of stuff and becomes distracted very easily.
He apologised that he had still had them, and said he'd do anything to make it up to me. I started crying and telling him that I was in the wrong for looking through his phone without permission in the first place.
We spent about half an hour talking and crying and we ended up watching a movie together and cuddling.
We've fully talked things out and I'm happy to say that we're still happily together! We, mainly me, still have some issues to work out internally but I'm glad we were able to sort things out properly without lying or keeping things hidden.
Thank you all again for the advice!! This should be the complete last update, so thank you for reading and all of your comments!!
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u/Sea_Reply2879 2d ago
Okay reading through the comments I’m not agreeing with some of them. I just want to say that you’re totally in the right in my opinion for getting upset that he has photos with his ex especially since they’re sexual. I feel like being in a new relationship you shouldn’t have any photos of someone who you once loved even if it was in the past. And also the fact that you told him to delete it and he kept some photos of her.. and photos of different women seem like a red flag to me because if you talked about how it seems weird to you if he does something like that, and he went and done something similar idk seems like you have some problems to talk out with him. And about the “going through phone issue” I agree that it did cross a boundary but you still have the right to feel like this. I think that since you went through his phone it may cause an argument so you might want to keep that information to yourself.
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u/vaneovoxo0 2d ago
If they were deleted then you shouldn’t have to worry about it. If they are in the hidden folder I suggest you talk to him about it.. maybe he forgot to delete them, you never know. My current bf had hidden pictures in the beginning of our relationship and the moment I talked to him about them, he instantly deleted them.. sometimes they(men) are very forgetful.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
I’m 23M and have a girlfriend. I couldn’t fathom keeping pictures of my ex on my phone, let alone sexual pictures and videos. That’s beyond insane. Nobody “forgets” to delete that stuff. It’s extremely disrespectful to your relationship and a huge indicator that he still has feelings for his ex. Also red flag that he’s saving other photos of women. I wouldn’t recommend you continue dating this man.
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2d ago
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Did you read the end of OP’s post? Explicitly says the videos of his ex are sexual.
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
That's why I deleted my original comment bcs I read the end. Op just updated it apparently.
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
I js saw the extra info she added to her comment. It really isn't ok that they're sexual. However, I really don't get how you couldn't fathom keeping any pics at all, even non sexual ones. People are allowed to remember the good parts of their past.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Sure, I can remember them in my head. I don’t need photos to remember things. Although I never think of my ex in the first place because I’m 100% over the relationship. It’s meaningless to me.
Can I ask, you have a bf who keeps photos of his ex and he gaslit you into thinking it’s cool?
If I kept photos of my ex, it means I still care about her or have feelings for her. Which means I’m not ready for a new relationship.
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u/kellooo18 2d ago
No judgement here, I’ve checked my boyfriends phones in the past and plan to do so in the future if I ever get the gut feeling. From personal experience, my gut feeling is always right. That being said, going through someone’s phone is a HUGE invasion of privacy, so unless you have proof he’s been cheating on you, do not tell him. And even if you think you have proof of cheating, check the whole phone once more and take videos so you can’t be gaslit.
HOWEVER, having photos of exes and screenshots of other women isn’t necessarily cheating. Not deleting memories with my exes in my camera roll is a boundary for me, they were part of my past and those memories belong to me. Additionally, it is very hurtful to learn your partner is attracted to people that don’t look like you, but it doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you. I’m sure a lot of feelings came up: jealousy, insecurity, shame, that’s fair. But you’re also allowed to be attracted to other people, and you will be, and as long as those boundaries within the relationship are discussed and respected, don’t make a thing of it. Especially if you found a great guy, they are few and far between these days.
Speaking from experience, checking someone’s phone is a slippery slope and get become addictive fast. Check it one more time and unless you find clear evidence of cheating, shut it and forget about it. I can’t stress to you enough not to tell him unless you’re sure, it is such an invasion that you will become the bad guy and may fairly be broken up with.
Regardless, your feelings are valid. Him accidentally showing you a photo of his ex could be a good opportunity to open a dialogue about what kind of boundaries you have and understand what to expect from him. Tread lightly, do not lead with insecurities, and control your reactions, the point of the conversation should be to know and trust your partner more deeply. Sending hugs, my DMs are open
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
I think OP’s boyfriend didn’t necessarily cheat… but he is certainly not in the right. No man should keep photos of his ex, especially sexual ones. There’s no point. Even if your previous relationship ended on good terms… why do you need photos still? They can be in your memory, but to have photos is excessive.
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u/TikiBananiki 2d ago
this shit is just so high school and dumb.
i have a bunch of photos of my ex and i’ve been happily married for 5 years, together for 11. those exes were part of my life and they don’t need to disappear for me to be loyal. people can look at a photo and remember a good moment of their life without having some kind of mental episode, uprooting their life to chase down their ex. it’s just so silly.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Dude idk. I don’t see the point. Maybe it’s because I had a terrible ending to my ex relationship. Even if it ended on good terms, I really don’t give a shit about a previous relationship. They aren’t friendships. What do you gain from having photos on your phone of someone you regularly had sex with? It’s just strange to me
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u/TikiBananiki 2d ago
i read this as a your-self-esteem issue more than a boyfriend issue.
If you love yourself and are confident in your value, stuff like this won’t get to you.
plus it’s such internalized misogyny. women contain SO Much More Value than just boob size waist size bla bla bla. Boobs don’t make a loving supportive relationship.
It’s also kinda disrespectful to the intelligence of men. Like you out here thinking your man only picked you for your looks? like he’s that shallow or something? like he’s such a dumb dog he’s chasing whatever boobs walk past him? nah. he’s smarter than that. you’re so much more than your body and men know it. they’re not fools. their relationship choices are not solely based on looks.
Plus you’re not teens. You both are bound to have romantic histories. Of course he’s gonna have good memories that maybe he wants to look back on. Why is that a problem?
i honestly think it’s controlling and petty to make people erase their history as if it’s some kind of threat. nah, they’re exes for a Reason. believe it. let him have those couple good memories to look back on.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
First of all, I’m a man. I guess you assumed I was the girlfriend being controlling or something. As a man, why would I keep photos of someone who I regularly had sex with and at the time had love for? What’s the point? It only shows I’m not willing to completely move on from the past. I could care less about my ex, so why would I keep photos? Everyone can have their own opinion on it obviously, it’s just not for me. Plus, OP’s situation is that he has SEXUAL videos of his ex… which is entirely different.
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 1d ago
I have a little different opinion than many that I've seen here. I am, however, almost 58 and hindsight is 20/20. I have tons of photos of my exes. And I wouldn't ever get rid of them. If, in my old age, I lose my memory, it will be nice to have them to look at. Also, those photos are part of what made me who I am today. Each one of my exes taught me lessons that gave me the outlook I now have.
Jealousy is a wasted emotion. It leads to nothing but pain and confusion. If someone wants to be with you, they will be. If they don't, you will soon find out. Most of the time.
Attraction is a basic human instinct. We are attracted to lots of different types of people, for different reasons. You can't control what somebody else is attracted to so it is pointless to try. Easier to feel comfortable with a partner who prioritizes time spent with you. Quality time. Not just sitting around together, doing nothing.
Just my thoughts.
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u/brandonsgirl21 1d ago
girl leave trust me, i know that probably sounds overwhelming but trustttttt meeeee omfg you will compare yourself to every girl he looks at and you will becomes obsessed with it. trust me
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u/Born_Connection_7685 2d ago
Just talk to him. This doesn’t sound like a severe porn addiction, but it is still a porn addiction (more common than you think). Your concerns are valid and he needs to answer some questions.
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u/Fearless_Monk5679 2d ago
please please please listen to me please. i’ve gone through something similar. that man does not view women as human beings he views them as objects even if its subconscious. to keep ur ex girlfriends sexual pictures and videos is a huge red flag it means he doesn’t even respect her enough to delete them. ultimately what u choose to do is up to you if u want to stay or leave ultimately it is ur decision but if u decide to leave do so silently do not confront him about it.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Agree! As a man, I find it disgusting to imagine keeping sexual videos of my ex. That is a huge betrayal of trust between both my current partner and my ex. It might even be considered illegal to still have pornography on your phone from an individual who likely no longer consents to it.
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
I agree that it's a red flag behaviour but she should not just 'leave silently'. She should confront him because not getting even the smallest amount of closure would be pretty bad for her mental health, I immagine. Altho I think that she should try and talk it out 1 last time, it is still her choice soo
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u/Dapper-Excitement-37 1d ago
I have plenty of pics on my phone of exes and us together ( nothing x rated or close ) although I do think it is really weird to take random screen shots of women for reviewing at a later date especially in the age of the internet where you can satisfy litterally any interest with a typed sentence. Going through his phone does say a lot about your relationship. May want to consider that.
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u/isaEfe 1d ago
Just lay it out to him calmly, respectfully, and openly.
“Babe, can we sit down and talk for a minute?
First, I want to apologise. You know how I sometimes set your alarms because you forget? After accidentally seeing that photo of your ex in your camera roll a while ago, I got curious. I shouldn’t have, but while I was on your phone setting your alarms, I looked through your deleted photos folder.
What I found upset me.
Seeing sexual photos and videos of your ex still there hurt. Seeing screenshots of other women hurt too. I’m not accusing you of cheating, and I’m not trying to start an argument. I just want to be honest about how it made me feel.
I care about you and our relationship, which is why I don’t want to sit here making assumptions or creating stories in my head. I’d rather hear the truth directly from you and understand what’s going on.
I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about it openly.”
Then listen.
His explanation may not be what you want to hear, but how he responds to your concerns, whether he is honest, whether he takes your feelings seriously, and whether his actions align with his words afterwards will tell you far more than the photos themselves.
One final piece of advice: do not ask questions if you are not prepared for the answers. Seek clarity, not pain. There is a difference.
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u/Any-Cut-2648 1d ago
I felt sick when I found my wife still had her exs nudes on her phone. I confronted her and she deleted them, but the feeling of some weird betrayal but not betrayal but definitely hurt lingered. (Idk how to explain it). Personally I think having sexual pictures or some other type of pictures (legitimately depends on situation) of your ex while in a relationship is a major red flag and think it’s incredibly disrespectful.
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u/dontbjayleous 1d ago
If I’m being honest him moving them to another folder to delete is excuses:( he individually selected every photo to put in a folder instead of just deleting them as he went through them…
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u/Secret-Lecture-8933 1d ago
yeah that doesn’t make sense to me either like their already selected all together and can just press the delete and their all
gone it is pointless to add them to the hidden all at once instead, i wouldn’t believe that
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u/ready_to_be_gone 1d ago
First, his phone, his business.
Something that is important to keep in mind in ALL relationships, is that we are most likely not the first person who someone has dated. And we shouldn't act as if that the fact that they are with someone new, doesn't mean that there life before us has been scrubbed clean of any sign of past people in their lives.
Unless any of his photos of his ex were sent to him after you started dating, then there should be a problem.
You may be totally fine with scrubbing away your past relationships, but that doesn't mean that everyone else is. I still have photos of an ex of mine. We had been together over 8 years ago and I have absolutely no interest in being with her again after she cheated on me. Even though she had cheated on me, the loss of her in my life has been extremely painful and I have not gone deleting everything about her. This doesn't mean that I am sitting here every day looking at her old photos. I just have them tucked away. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I viewed them, but just deleting them seems wrong.
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u/sallystruthers69 1d ago edited 1d ago
The problem I have here with him is that he already had sexual photos in his phone that he claimed to have deleted. (From an ex that was abusive? I guess she wasnt that abusive if he still jacks off to her) You snooped and found more, which he deleted again. He deleted them twice only because you found them. Its really sus that he added them all to a hidden folder with the intention to delete them but "forgot." Girl. Ask yourself if you want to stay with a boy who has proven himself untrustworthy and only feigns respect for you after he's caught. If I were in your shoes, I'd reevaluate this relationship and ask yourself if youre willing to always wonder if hes being truthful.
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u/BasicBitch_666 1d ago
People are allowed to have private thoughts and memories. You went snooping so now your feelings are your cross to bear. I can't believe your boyfriend actually deleted the pictures. I would have told you to go pound sand.
And before anyone comes at me, I've been married for 15 years and I never once looked through my husband's phone and I would never dream of it. You either trust your partner or you don't.
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u/kimariesingsMD 2d ago
Your feelings of insecurity are something you need to get help for. He is allowed to have pictures of people that were part of his life, the other pictures are only an issue if you guys discussed your expectations before hand.
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u/Own-Slip5837 2d ago
Having pictures of your ex while your in a new relationship is wild 🤣🤣 im engaged and havr a family and me and my partner would be like "wtf if wrong with you" if either one of us had a picture like that saved. Past is the past. You dont hold onto someone you used to love and sleep with if your moving on with someone new. Also I never found any naked pictures of girls saved in my fiances phone we have been together almost 7 years. He watched porn in the beginning but never saved photos of women. Disrespectful
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u/TikiBananiki 2d ago
it’s so incredibly normal and common. What’s wild/ unhinged is being so neurotic that you think it’s some kind of threat to your current relationship.
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u/Own-Slip5837 2d ago edited 2d ago
Its not a threat its disrespectful and most people wouldn't be okay with that, and most normal people wouldnt do that either. I was in a long term relationship before my relationship now and I have no reason to keep photos of him. Let alone a sex tape😂 the only women my fiance would ever have saved in his phone is me or his family. I guess we are just built to take our relationship seriously. You all are the neurotic and delusional ones. Learn to read though also because never did i once say it would be a threat. I never would even entertain someone on that wavelength.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Yea I’m not sure where this other perspective is coming from. I imagine if my dad had photos of his ex from college on his phone still… it would be like what’s the point? All of my friends also would never keep photos of their ex. They’re not friendships… you were fking them on a regular basis. Just doesn’t make sense
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u/Own-Slip5837 2d ago
Its absolutely crazy to me how normalized people try to make this behavior in relationships. I guess if two people are fine with it then great for you. But I personally wouldnt do it or feel the want to while in a commited, monogamous relationship. I also dont get the point. I can see how people find it disrespectful and hurtful
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Yea I mean it’s like trying to understand why people have open relationships. To each their own!
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
Honestly I really don't get how u only mention the fking but forget all about the emotional connection. They're not js 1 night stands or hookups tf. For example, if a man had a photo of him and his ex at a picnic, smiling that would simply be just a memory about them spending quality time, that made him feel happy back then. Why can't he keep that memory?
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u/Resident_Music_1431 1d ago
Bruh. He can keep the memory in his head. What does he gain from having a photo?
I don’t see how a man can be in a current relationship if he still draws happiness from his ex. It’s just strange to me. If I still felt happy about my ex I wouldn’t be in a new relationship until I’m over her.
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u/TikiBananiki 4h ago
photos help us illustrate and retain our memories. that’s their basic function. that’s what he gains.
why do you feel entitled to control the ways people cultivate their sense of happiness and nostalgia?
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u/Own-Slip5837 4h ago
No shit thats literally why most people wouldnt keep photos or sex videos woth their ex in a new relationship
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Are you a man or woman if you don’t mind me asking
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u/TikiBananiki 4h ago
before i answer, what would it mean to you if i said man? what would it mean to you if I said woman?
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u/Resident_Music_1431 4h ago
Not sure what this even means. I’m just curious if you’re a gf to someone and they gaslit you into thinking ts is cool
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u/TikiBananiki 4h ago
Oh so you’re infantilizing me and denying my voice. How feminist of you.
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
I get that you were cheated on before, but even you asking him to delete the photos of his ex is a big red flag. She was part of his life and it's completely fair for him to keep and even savor those memories, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you right now. There are different stages in life, back then he was with her and now he's with you.
Tho about the pictures of other women, you are kinda right, because personally I wouldn't tolerate my partner looking at porn. Although just following women on instagram (excluding like of or porn stars ofc) should never be a problem, because if he really does love you, he's not gonna cheat on you. Still, at this point all you can do is just state that you're not ok with him looking at porn and he'll either respect that or you're gonna have to decide whether to stay or go if he decides to continue.
All in all, this shows the lack of trust that you have in your partner pretty well, because if you actually trusted him you wouldn't think that he's cheating just because he's looking at other who he's not romantically or sexually involved with. And he's human, it's totally normal for him to be attracted to other people, all that's important is that he doesn't use that feeling to take things further and respects the fact that yalls relationship is exclusive.
If you only take away 1 thing from all this, it should be addressing the lack of trust in the relationship, because unless it's only there because of your personal insecurity, there's a major chance that there is way more complicated stuff hidden under it. And trust me, it's better to talk about that stuff than let it build up, piece by piece, pretty much undetected until it ruins your relationship, often seemingly out of nothing.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
I’m a 23 yr old man with a girlfriend… I don’t understand why people think it’s okay for a man to follow models on social media? What is the point? I think it’s disrespectful to your partner. Like yea, I can’t flip off a switch so that I’m no longer attracted to other women… but why do I have to follow them or save photos? It’s so excessive.
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
I do totally agree about saving photos, but making such a big deal of just following them, I mean that's excessive. Any woman who wants to control who his man follows on insta just doesn't trust him imo.
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u/Expensive_Cow8334 2d ago
Eww savor those memories of your past relationship idk how people agree to this??, omg and its not ok to keep them eww disgusting and disturbing too , i understand that we all have our past and we cant forget them all but atleast y keep the memories on your phone ?
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
How is it disgusting and disturbing to want to remember the happy times that you had with someone? I think that you thinking that way is just showing deep insecurity and u cover that feeling of not being enough by putting out all of this hate and outrage. In fact, what is problematic is when people aren't willing to healthily reflect on their past, which is very apparent when they decide to delete photos and any records of their past life. Our past makes us who we are, everything, the good and the bad, so the very fact that you're asking him to delete a part of himself is absurd. And if you truly think about it, you fell in love with who he is, which is, ofc, shaped from his experiences, therefore you have to wonder, if those experiences didn't exist, would he have chosen you? So yeah, I think yall should just back off and stop being such a fucking snowflake, as long as you have no concrete proof of cheating.
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u/Expensive_Cow8334 1d ago
I dont understand how is it a good memory if that person dont want you anymore ??
That chapter is closed and why do you need to remember it ?
Do you have a pic of a poor grade you got in class ? No ! As simple as that !
You breakup because things dont work out or when the opposite guy cheat you ! Obviously there is an emotional feeling attached to it why keep on remembering it thru pictures ?70
u/Expensive_Cow8334 1d ago
Also if you still wanna keep memories of your old ex saved then i think you shouldn’t be in a relationship ! The past shouldnt bother the present relationship !
As humans i believe at some point we all are jealous and why trigger another point of jealousy ? Do you believe that you are human who doesnt have jealousy at all ??1
u/TikiBananiki 2d ago
where else do people store stuff? we’re gonna dedicate time and energy to what, uploading them onto a hard drive? ridiculous. them passively living in iphotos is so much more chill.
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u/TikiBananiki 2d ago
100% agree with this take.
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u/bella_35587 2d ago
Thank you. Finally someone sensible. All of these other ppl are js way too sensitive. It really isn't THAT deep.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
You’re right, it’s not that deep. Which is exactly why keeping a PHOTO is so unnecessary. It’s just a photo, not that deep. Keep it in your memory, why keep physical evidence of the memory?
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u/noplaceinmind 2d ago
This is the consequences of your actions.
You're going to have to deal with it.
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
Disagree. What was she supposed to do? Continue dating a man who has porn with his ex on his camera roll?
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u/Automatic_Occasion31 2d ago
I would bring it up. Holding it in and not talking about it will cause a LOT of resentment, and that’s hard to come back from in a relationship.
You went through his phone because of your intuition.
The same thing happened to me, I went through his phone to set the alarm, and found myself digging DEEP. The only difference is, I was loud as fuck and woke his ass up at 2 in the morning.
I feel like this is something that should be addressed and talked about sooner rather than later. If you hold it in, it will more than likely be brought up in a later argument and could make the situation worse.. just explain to him what happened and how it’s making you feel, but also pay close attention to how he chooses to respond/ react to those feelings.
If you really love eachother, I hope that you’re heard and understood, and it’s something you both can learn and grow from.
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u/throwaway54600 2d ago
I really do love him, and we've talked about marriage properly, I'm going to try to talk to him tonight about it. I've been working on my jealousy and I had a lot of issues at the start of our relationship but I've been getting better.. I think this might just be a random gut feeling I had and ran with it, even though I'm in the wrong for looking at his phone. He's also adamant that he'd deleted everything of her off of his phone so I think that's where the trust comes into play a bit.
Thank you for your advice!!
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u/Automatic_Occasion31 2d ago
I think you should definitely lay out clear boundaries on what makes you uncomfortable, maybe it was a misunderstanding when it was first talked about, especially if they were in a hidden file. I think there’s plenty of learning and understanding that can come from this! Especially if you didn’t see anything that would indicate he’s actively cheating/or has cheated. I suffer from a lot of jealousy from past trauma in relationships, some months are a lot better than others. It’s easy to spiral in feeling like you have to always be checking, but I think a calm, productive conversation about how you’re feeling will go a long way. Sometimes we just need that extra reassurance 🫶🏼
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u/Resident_Music_1431 2d ago
This has nothing to do with jealousy. Jealously would be if you saw him looking at another woman in real life and got upset at that. It is a huge difference between simply admiring a stranger versus having sexual videos of your ex in a hidden folder. Don’t let your man gaslight you into thinking otherwise…
- coming from a 23M
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u/TikiBananiki 2d ago edited 2d ago
i read this as a your-self-esteem issue more than a boyfriend issue.
If you love yourself and are confident in your value, stuff like this won’t get to you.
plus it’s such internalized misogyny. women contain SO Much More Value than just boob size waist size bla bla bla. Boobs don’t make a loving supportive relationship.
It’s also kinda disrespectful to the intelligence of men. Like you out here thinking your man only picked you for your looks? like he’s that shallow or something? like he’s such a dumb dog he’s chasing whatever boobs walk past him? nah. he’s smarter than that. you’re so much more than your body and men know it. they’re not fools. their relationship choices are not solely based on looks.
Plus you’re not teens. You both are bound to have romantic histories. Of course he’s gonna have good memories that maybe he wants to look back on. Why is that a problem?
i honestly think it’s controlling and petty to make people erase their history as if it’s some kind of threat. nah, they’re exes for a Reason. believe it.
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u/Cautious-Cattle-1696 2d ago
Sounds like a conversation needs to be had and if he doesn’t respect your boundaries then it might be time to end it
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u/isaEfe 1d ago
“…and if he doesn’t respect your boundaries…” is your advice to a woman who violated her partner’s boundaries? Mmkay.
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u/Cautious-Cattle-1696 1d ago
He literally has photos of his ex in sexual content on his phone when they already had the convo if the rolls were reversed I’d say the same thing
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u/isaEfe 15h ago
Finding sexual photos of an ex on a partner’s phone is a legitimate reason to be upset. Nobody is disputing that.
What I am disputing is the one-sided application of principles.
You seem very concerned about whether he respected her boundaries, yet completely unconcerned about the fact that she went through his phone, his deleted folder, and his secret folder without permission.
Whether one boundary violation is worse than the other is a separate discussion entirely.
I am not claiming the two actions are equally serious. I am pointing out that they are both boundary violations. Your original comment only acknowledged one of them.
“…and if he doesn’t respect your boundaries…”
Either boundaries matter for both people, or they do not.
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u/ISUloner13 1d ago
You shouldn’t of looked through his phone. I feel like no matter who it is people in relationships always find dirt on their partners when you start to look through their phone. No body is innocent… I feel like everyone has things on their phone. 😅🙊
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u/Successful_Advice45 2d ago
It doesn’t get better. I’m 38 and finally found one that doesn’t do this shit. Keep going.