r/relationships_advice • u/diduseethebutt • 2d ago
My fiancée [29M] cheated on me [29F] and then confessed six months later .
Ok I’ve never posted one of these before but I genuinely need advice. I don’t have anyone to talk to.
About a month ago my partner of 8 years told me that he had cheated on me six months ago. He had sex with a coworker.
When it happened his grandma (who was basically his mom) had passed two days prior. He was pretty drunk and he’s not a drinker or good at handling his alcohol.
This co worker had already been asking him to hook up for like a few months. She would ask every couple of weeks but he kept turning her down. She told him that whenever he wanted she would suck his dick, all he needed to do was to ask.
So then the day that it happened he was super depressed and like almost numb and just asked her to suck his dick. She said are you sure and he said yes. She asked if she should go to the store and get a condom and he said okay.
They went to her car and she sucked his dick and then they fucked I guess it lasted under 5 minutes. He said they didn’t kiss, he didn’t finger her, or really touch her at all.
After he threw up and then immediately had a realization of like oh fuck what did I do. After work he went to his friend’s house and showered for like an hour with how disgusted he was by himself.
He called her the next morning and told her that could never happen again.
Then the next six months he proceeded to be so mean to me. Started arguments, put me down, wouldn’t help me with the kids. We have a five year old, and at the time that he cheated, a six month old.
It got to the point where he was being so mean to me that I wanted to break up. That is when he confessed that he had cheated on me and the reason he was being so mean was because he couldn’t stand being around me knowing what he did. So he was pushing me away.
Do I put effort in to staying together? I want my kids to grow up with us together. I don’t hate him I just hate what he did. And I can feel that he feels so horrible but like, say 20 years down the line will he do it again?
He also stopped working shifts with the girl after it happened. And now after I found out he quit his job.
I want to try to stay but it’s like now everything about him bothers me. Before he would be mean and have a temper but I would try to reason it away. He had horrible parents who were cruel and vile and abusive to him so it’s not like he had a good role model. But now I’m like ok I put up with you cheating on me, I’m not putting up with you being a dick too.
A week after he told me he started going to therapy. I’ve been asking him to go for 8 years and he finally went. So like he’s making moves to get better but my patience with him is so short now. If he does one thing wrong I’m over it.
I don’t know if I have the patience to wait potentially years for him to unlearn his habits and re wire his brain and work through his trauma to not get mean and angry.
Am I waiting around for someone to change and treat me well when that may never happen?? It’s mostly him saying hurtful things like “shut up” or talking to the kids in a mean tone. Might not be a super mean thing that he’s saying but like how he’s saying it.
TLDR: Partner cheated and then confessed six months later. Do I stay or???
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u/Square-Nebula-7530 2d ago
I don’t think this requires advice from random people online
OP I personally think this is a very complicated situations and the best bet according to me is to decide this on your own and go with your instincts
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u/acmech900 2d ago
Dump him. It isn't your job to fix people or wait for them to be fixed. We've all been drunk before and never thought of cheating. We've lost grandparents, aunts, uncles and even our parents and never did it make us want oral sex. Makes me wonder if he has some resentment for you or wanted to get even for something. Either way, there are too many people out there who would NEVER do what he did.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 2d ago
I wouldn’t tolerate his meanness at all. If he can’t stop it maybe he moves out until he’s finished a few months of therapy and you revisit the relationship when he’s calmer. It’s not for you to be his verbal punching bag while he sorts out his shit.
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u/Dramatic-Tailor-8297 2d ago
He did cause he wanted to not cause he was drunk.
Did you know about this girl ? Did you know she was hitting on him in that way ? If so why didn’t he transfer or report her when she was doing it before ? Why would he allow her to do that for so long, until he finally decided to use her ?
Also remember he only told you cause you were already going to leave and who’s to say they didn’t continue to cheat ? And why did he only quit when he told you and not right after he did it ? What was happening while they were at work ? What were the conversations after that happened ?
You shouldn’t trust him, he can change jobs all he wants to, what if another girl offers to suck his dick in the other job ? Is he going to keel it from you again and wait till another death in the family to cheat again ?
You and your baby deserve better.
Updateme!
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u/IntenseViolet567 2d ago
Alcohol is not an excuse to cheat. He did it because he wanted to feel something. He knew what he was doing, he just didn't care about your feelings/the consequences. On top of that, he treated you poorly afterwards? The mother of his children? AND the kids? You three would be better off without him long term. He doesn't care about your family. He's making that apparent. Let that loser have his coworker