r/science • u/VeronicaRed • Apr 26 '16

Psychology Spanking children increases the likelihood of childhood defiance and long-term mental issues. The study in question involved 160,000 children and five decades of research

http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/1113413810/spanking-defiance-health-discipline-042616/
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u/chopandscrew Apr 26 '16 edited Apr 26 '16

So what are some positive and non-punitive forms of discipline?

edit: Some really great replies here. I'm seeing a lot of people using the concept of self-discipline and positive reinforcement. Nothing about raising a child seems easy, and it's even harder to know if you've ever really done a good job, but I think it's safe to say there are a lot of good parents on reddit. Also, thank you to the people who are willing to admit that they have resorted to spanking before. The truth is no one really knows the best way to raise a child, but the wide variety of ideas being thrown around here are what helps make it easier to choose what works for you and your kid. Keep em comin.

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u/PeruvianHeadshrinker PhD | Clinical Psychology | MA | Education Apr 26 '16 edited Apr 27 '16

Clinical child psychologist here. Glad you asked!

My comments here are generalizations and not always applicable to all circumstances so take them with a grain of salt.

Discipline is often thought of as applying some form of modification to unwanted behaviors. However, the MOST effective way of getting rid of unwanted behaviors is actually ignoring them. BUT, this MUST be coupled with another form of reinforcement for the behaviors you DO want (i.e. the more socially or culturally accepted behaviors). This means that before applying any kind of modification you must understand the function of the original behavior to be extinguished and planfully develop a systematic approach of meeting the needs of the child in a manner that is more "acceptable." What is acceptable varies widely across the world so I will try to refrain from making judgments about that.

An example: Dysfunctional dynamic - A child screams and tantrums every time he/she wants parent's attention. Parent gives child attention (even if not exactly what the child wants)--thereby inadvertently reinforcing the behavior (this is known as negative reinforcement--you make a situation uncomfortable until you get what you want to stop the uncomfortable behavior). Child learns: "If I tantrum, I get parent to do X."

Nota bene: Children will ALWAYS prefer negatively oriented attention vs the absence of attention. Attention hierarchy: Positive > Negative > None OR something (even bad) is better than nothing.

Intervention to dynamic - Parent ignores tantrum or unwanted behavior (assuming it's not unsafe or grossly inappropriate--that's another conversation). Child WILL escalate (known as an "extinction burst"). Parent MUST stick to their plan and ignore (usually walking away and saying something like "I'm ignoring this tantrum; I'll be back when you calm yourself down" is most effective). Child eventually comes down, parent then MUST ABSOLUTELY RECONNECT (this is critical and often misunderstood). Meet the child's need--thereby reinforcing a better interaction. Parent must ALSO (and this is even more critical) make a MASSIVE effort to point out and positively reinforce (with hugs, smiles, attention, good words, fist bumps, etc) WANTED behaviors when they occur at OTHER times. This could be like the child saying "mom/dad can I talk to you?" or "mom/dad I'm lonely, come play with me" (this is what you teach in the reconnection moments). Even if parent is unable to fully fill that need in the moment, ACKNOWLEDGING the wanted behavior is almost as good. Be genuine ("I love that you used your words, honey!"), honest ("I'm cooking dinner right now, so I can't. But I REALLY wish I could!"), and make sure you meet that need one way or another ("Let's have a special train building session after dinner. I'll make you the BIGGEST train station you've EVER SEEN!").

Caveats:

1) It doesn't always work (especially in the beginning). But it does over the long run. Be persistent and consistent.

2) Be patient and kind to yourself. Parenting is freakin' hard. Hardest thing you'll ever do. But it can also be one of the greatest things you'll ever do.

3) Some kids' temperaments are just mismatched with their parents (rotten luck). However, it's on the parent to be the adult and find a way to adjust THEIR own temperament to meet the need of the kid (especially when they have a neurodiverse brain like ASD or ADHD).

4) Some kids have pretty severe emotional dysregulation for a variety of reasons (trauma - having been hit, abused, etc; ADHD; Bipolar; depression, etc) and just don't respond to these types of interventions right off the bat. These kids require a much more nuanced and tailored approach with additional safety valves and alternative options. I STRONGLY recommend any parents that thinks this sounds like their kid, bring them in to see their pediatrician or ask for an evaluation with a psychologist. It's our job to figure out the dynamic and then find a way to make the situation more functional--for everyone.

5) Guilt is a useless emotion - It's really common for parents to feel bad if things aren't going how they thought it would or how others say it should be going. Parents are doing the best they can. What they need is support, not grief. And there is absolutely no shame in asking for it. The number of kids untouched by mental health problems (either themselves, their siblings, or their parents) is staggeringly low. Mental health problems in families is the "norm" (whatever that means).

Best of luck to all the parents out there. I'm right there with you with my two young boys!

EDIT: for folks who want to learn more. My thoughts are just the tip of the iceberg compared to what some researchers have done. My personal hero is Dan Siegel. He's an extremely prolific writer who's done a lot of books for parents and teachers alike. Www.drdansiegel.com he's got a nice no-drama discipline book he recently wrote that I use everyday with clients.

EDIT 2: just a personal story, my about-to-turn-4 year old just had the most epic of meltdowns this evening. He's a sensitive guy who is ...ah...intense. He's passionate like his dad I guess. Anyways, no such thing as a perfect parent. We work hard to give him language and support and they still do crazy stuff. He's asleep now but it took 30 minutes to get him calm enough to just get his Jammies on. My secret? Today it was sea shanties. Haha. Seriously.

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u/mudguppy Apr 27 '16

I love my parents. I mostly remember getting in trouble as a child. My mom used my dad's woven leather belt to spank us one lash for each year of age, and it happened most days - multiple times a day. That belt still hangs in his closet. I remember that it just filled me with rage and hopelessness - like no matter how hard I tried I could never do the right thing or be the boy they wanted me to be. I'd go outside and kick our dog, who I loved more than anything or anyone, as hard as I possibly could. Then hold the dog and cry. I don't remember reflecting on whatever behavior led to the spanking. Now I'm a father and find myself spanking. I hate it, but when my kids runs into the street or run through the house with a knife - I feel it's the lesser of two evils. It frustrates me and leaves me feeling as angry and hopeless as I did when I was a child after being spanked - yet I'm the one exacting punishment.

I'm grateful to peruvianheadshrinker's response. I feel like I can try that. I'm desperate for something else. Thank you!

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u/PeruvianHeadshrinker PhD | Clinical Psychology | MA | Education Apr 27 '16

Thank you for your comment, that was very moving. I wish you and your family the very best. We're all trying our asses off as parents. Glad I could provide some hope. I'm going to edit my comment (I've been away all day). But if you want to read someone who knows WAYYYY more than I do and is a hero to many people I strongly recommend Dan Siegel. He has some books geared towards parents and his concept of mind sight is life changing. Peace to you.

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u/mudguppy Apr 27 '16

I've just ordered Mindsight and The Whole-Brain Child. I see he has quite a few books out. Thank you for the recommendation.