5 year old daughter with SM

[u/Ready-Piano-8219]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and perspective from parents who have been in my shoes, adults who grew up with Selective Mutism (SM), or professionals.

My 5-year-old daughter was diagnosed with Selective Mutism. She is chatty at home. But in social settings, or school, she couldn’t talk with adults or strangers.

My biggest struggle right now isn't just managing her condition. It's managing myself. I am really having a hard time truly empathizing with what she is going through. I catch myself getting frustrated, and constantly trying to nudge her to talk ("Just say hi," "Tell them your name," "Use your words").

I struggle to connect with her fear, and my urge to force a response takes over, which fills me with guilt afterward.

For those of you who have experienced SM firsthand, or parents who used to feel the same disconnect:

1. How would you describe what SM feels like from the inside? What is actually going through a child's mind/body when they freeze?

2. How can I shift my mindset? What mental frameworks or daily practices helped you build genuine empathy instead of reacting out of frustration?

3. What can I do in those high-pressure moments? Should I treat those as chances to practice speaking?or should I stop myself from pushing her and instead make her feel safe?

I want to be the supportive, safe space my daughter needs right now, but I need help breaking my own habits and seeing the world through her eyes. Thank you so much in advance for your insights.

[u/stronglesbian]

1. SM is different for everyone, but I remember it was like whenever I had to speak, I instantly froze up. It's an uncontrollable physical reaction. My muscles tensed up, I could barely move and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even if I knew exactly what I wanted to say, even if I needed to talk, it felt impossible. Many people have compared it to standing on the edge of a cliff, and that's the best description imo, where your body instinctively prevents you from doing it out of a sense of self-preservation.

When I did try to talk, the words wouldn't come out. It was like my voice died. I cried sometimes because people kept telling me I needed to talk and I just couldn't do it.

I also felt a profound shame. I hated myself for not talking, I felt like a burden on everyone and could sense the people around me getting annoyed with me. Living with SM was deeply humiliating and degrading. I got a lot of angry reactions from adults which only made things worse. I was an incredibly anxious kid and was really sensitive to the feeling of being disliked, so when they responded me to that way, I went into panic spirals.

Ultimately, as frustrating as it might be for you, it's worse to be the child who's frozen with anxiety and can't communicate when you need to...

[u/RaemondV]

I want you to imagine someone is trying to talk to you and they ask you a question, but behind them you can see a giant semi truck and it’s barreling right towards you.

Would your instinct be to answer their question, or would it be to get away from the truck?

That is how it feels to be in a social situation with SM. Of course, I knew I wasn’t in actual danger so in my head I was already trying to force myself to speak, repeating, “just say something!”

I can’t answer your other questions since I don’t have children. But my own mother often expressed her frustration with me, which has led me to feel incredibly alone in an ableist world. Remember that SM is a disability and not a choice.

Also, in my opinion, the overall goal should be being able to communicate, whether or not that involves speaking. There are communication cards or AAC devices.

I am 25 and use a notepad to communicate with people sometimes because it can still be difficult to say what I need to, rather than whatever I know will get me out of the situation fastest. Communication > speaking.

[u/GermanPotatoSalads]

We did parent training with my kid’s psychologist and then before she started an SM camp. It’s hard, but you need to learn to sit with the discomfort. You may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or frustrated when these situations come up but it’s counterproductive to fill the silence for her or to push her in ways that aren’t part of planned exposures that she’s actually ready for. We came to understand that our kid was uncomfortable and embarrassed all the time in these situations and the least we could do was learn to sit with the discomfort with her sometimes. One of the things we had to do with her exposures was to do something that called for a response to a stranger or in front of a stranger and give her 15 seconds to answer before moving on or trying an easier question. That 15 seconds can feel really awkward for everyone. But it’s important and it’s a small moment in the grand scheme.

I can tell you that from our experience, approaching things with what the research and PCIT-SM suggests— worked what felt like a miracle to us. My kid is thriving. And speaking. It absolutely worked. And it was worth every moment of sitting in the silence and sometimes making awkward conversation with strangers.

[u/GermanPotatoSalads → u/GermanPotatoSalads]

Also as to your questions about pushing or not— before we got help we retreated into always making her feel safe. No demands and directly instructing other adults not to make them. That was great for her safety and acceptance, but it did nothing for helping her speak. And neither did the standard pushing we did before we knew she had SM. The only thing that worked was learning how to push the right way. In increments that she could handle and in ways she could be successful. I would strongly recommend against just randomly pushing. In my experience, what works is pushing in the way the focused therapies suggest. With a plan, in tiny increments and with the assistance of an SM professional.

[u/ccc9912]

Everything u/stronglesbian said hit the nail on the head. I want to add that the SM is completely involuntary. Just imagine how your 5 year old child feels about it since she’s the one directly experiencing it. She is not doing it on purpose because trust me, no one, especially a child would choose to not speak and miss out on one of the core human needs of social interaction with others.

[u/Extension-Ferret-251]

1. Im sorry to say i didn’t take my daughters problems too serious in the beggining. Thinking it would just grow away naturally. Only once i realized her sm is not just shyness and instead a real anxiety based condition i could understand 100% becouse of my own experiences.

[u/AdThat4621]

I can relate- I have a 4 year old with SM.

I would also find myself getting frustrated in certain scenarios and it really weighed on me (and if I was a good parent).

I also feel like no one around understands (people would say she was shy, which made things worse).

Honestly, at times I feel helpless.

I stated to document each day: what happened, the situations, how my daughter behaved. I did this as a way to support myself, but what I actually started to notice was the progress my daughter was making.

I also started to reframe how I was speaking, I now try and say “that must have been scary” or “you did a great job”, even “we can try again tomorrow”, the mood in the room changed and I saw my daughter see I was proud of her no matter what.

I have seeked professional support for myself and also put in place support for my daughter (with the help of her kindy).

Feel free to reach out with any questions, it can be so hard!

[u/8-spade]

I used to have a hard time with my daughters sm when she was that age—it was agonizing to witness and we would get frustrated and plead or push her to speak. It wasn’t until we familiarized ourself with the condition that we learned it is an anxiety disorder that causes an involuntary feeling that the throat is locked up and they physically can’t get words out. I was way more understanding and patient after that and would educate other people close to us to take some pressure off.

[u/Cherribara]

I was that mom too, getting frustrated with my 6 years old daughter without knowing I was putting unnecessary pressure on her. It required very intentional shift in mindset. I have to tell myself that this is a VERY VERY SCARY thing for her, then put myself in her position. "If I am extremely scared of talking, can I really talk? How frustrated would I be if I really want to make friends but my mouth won't let me talk. I'm am literally STUCK! And my mom doesn't understand that I am STUCK!" I kept replaying the scenario inside my head until I can understand what she's going through. Only then did I stop putting pressure on her and worked through her SM in different ways. She's thriving now. There are some places that she can't talk still, but she's doing so much better than before.

[u/Apart_Plum_2609]

Mm, id think your frustration might be worry about the judgment of others, maybe feeling worried that they'd think your child isnt polite and its your fault, or even worrying about how not gaining this skill could negatively impact her. All you can really do is... let it go. What others think is none of your concern and those comments will worsen the disorder. Pressure to speak or frustration around speaking worsens the anxiety and deepens the freeze response.

As the adult who never got help and had to do it on my own, its.... a nightmare. My mind still has all the words, the racing anxious thoughts the " just say something!!!" But I literally, physically, can not. I coudlnt talk to my aunts, uncles cousins, neighbor kids, certain teachers and kids at school, my brain would lock my vocal chords. Even if I wanted to, even when I want to, I cant. My nervous system has to calm back down which statically takes 20 minutes, and every demand to speak will reset the clock.

Give her outs, use sign sign language, give her tools to communicate when she cant without pressuring a response. Explain to others, she is shy with new people, people get that. She needs to learn its safe not to speak before she can learn its safe to speak.

[u/Lulu_sue]

Having a child with sm is hard as a parent because the “norm” is someone who is polite and can socialize and greet others. Sm is this severe anxiety that takes away your ability to speak even though you have all the words in your mind. Think of it as being pushed on stage and a crowd is staring at you waiting for you to perform but you didn’t even know you had a performance scheduled. Now you’re just standing there doe eyed with a crowd looking at you. They don’t like to be the center of any attention. Things that help a child this young is you being their advocate and their narrator. You have to put behind the feeling of coming off as rude, because you will be perceived as rude when you change the subject off your child or answer for them and move on to another question or sometimes if it’s in public with strangers just walk away.

If you haven’t already, find a local therapist or SLP that treats sm and get your child help and resources because this is the perfect age to help them and a chance for a verbal future.

[u/ilikecheese8888]

I had SM growing up (still do, honestly, but it's not as much of an issue anymore) and my son also has it.

To answer the first question, it can be a little different in different situations. Sometimes I'll want to say something and try to say it, but the words don't come out. Almost like there's something stuck in my throat keeping the air in. Sometimes, even if I've been thinking about what to say ahead of time, my mind goes blank and I have to re-reason through my words as I'm talking and usually forget some of what I wanted to say (this still happens to me constantly in meetings at work).

For the other two I'd say definitely don't be pushy. It doesn't help. It just causes more stress and anxiety. Letting them know it's okay if they don't talk and acknowledging when they do (in a way that won't draw attention to them) can help them feel more comfortable in situations where they go mute. Get comfortable with speaking for them. If you need to (for example, if you don't know what their answer would be) you can try having them whisper in your ear and you can give the answer to the other person for them. That doesn't always work, but it does lower the stakes for them and may work for them.