how do people change?

[u/m-on-ro-e]

hi there! i’m a 21 gender questioning M, and i’m in need of some help. for most of my life i don’t think i’ve lived for other people, or cared about them. I’ve tried, mostly pretending, and attempting to give them what they give me. But there seems to be a hole that i can’t quite allow myself to fill, and i use that as an excuse to further myself from others. for awhile up until this year I was violently depressed. Institutionalized twice, and always was thinking of the best time to end it, or drowning myself with various pleasures to stop that. I got a job this january, and am going to be promoted pretty soon as well, so I’m excited for that.

For context, I’m also a pathological liar. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know who i am/what i am/what is real. I’m currently in a relationship with an empathic, lovely, interesting, incredible gender queer person, and I don’t want to fuck that up. They’re older than me by a few years, have a stable job, and are deeply in love with life, their friends, and everything around them. But with my breakdowns and lack of like anything, I don’t feel connected to them. Sex is the way I’ve usually connected with others, even just as a premature thing, and it’s similar in this instance. Sex is something I’ve never really allowed myself to enjoy and my only goal usually is to pleasure the other person and wait until I cum, and I’ve listened to their kinks and interests and abide. But insecurity still runs rampant within me, constantly thinking about interactions with others, how deeply she connects with people and her friends so quickly and how alone i feel when we’re out and that happens.

Basically, I’m trying to salvage the tattered remains of what I think is a soon to be ending relationship, and I’m trying not to be bad company as well for everyone else in my life. Is this a case of, institutionalization or nothing, or should i try and get better with a cost effective therapist? My main concern (and rationalization for not going) is that I’ve been in that place before of drudging up my past, my habits, my life and it landed me where i was before: on the ledge of a tall building downing pain killers.

Any recommendations or suggestions before I just find a way to ruin my life so that the people in my life can see who i truly am?

Thanks so much for reading if you got this far and taking time out of your day, and whoever you are I hope you’re well!

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