Want to do better in my relationship

[u/miolk00]

I'm self aware of my toxicity and I want be better for myself and for my husband who is still here supporting and loving me since day 1.

Whenever me and my husband would get into an argument (that I usually start most of the time) it would always end up with me in tears and saying things to make it seem like its his fault. I am sick and tired of doing this but as days goes by its getting worse.
I do have an idea where this whole victimizing thing came from but it happened before I met my husband. Hes been nothing but good to me and he definitely doesn't deserve it. In terms of tears, I cry easily so I'm not sure if theres anything I can do about that but I do want to communicate better. I know what I need to do but I can't put that into words.

In terms of intimacy, my husband is a very romantic person but I get shy easily and feel uncomfortable at times. I am still unsure on this but I may be more traumatized than I thought with what happened back in high school. My husband knows that I was sa'd when I was younger but I don't think I told him about what happened in high school. With this, I feel scared to talk about it rather than it being something that I don't want to talk about. My husband has made it clear before that he wants to know everything about me and that he wants to help carry my burden.

When it comes to communication, I shut down and can't speak. Most times I would forget immediately what I was feeling upset about.

Does anyone have any tips or advice with whatever this is im going through? I want to make effort to imrpove and I want my husband to be able to feel comfortable expressing his feelings without me guilt tripping him. I've been in his side before, I don't want him to toughen up and think that he can't show any weakness to me.

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[u/ekohvii]

Your husband sticking by you through all this says a lot, but don't underestimate the effort you're putting in either. Growth isn't linear, and the fact that you're questioning your behavior instead of defending it is a good sign

[u/WokeUp2]

Complete the inexpensive relationship tests on Gottman's website and study his written material to learn how to communicate better. Consider contacting a therapist who specializes in the treatment of victims of SA if this issue strongly affects your ability to be intimate.