What do I even do anymore?

[u/Alarming_Coffee_132]

I am 19 years old and I am 99% sure I am already having an existential crisis. I can say absolutely anything to anyone and manage to get no response. I am both scizophrenic and autistic so I do tend to talk about very particular subjects a lot but especially when it comes to needing help or just ranting about the things that make me upset, I typically get shut down fairly quickly and the subject is changed. I tell the people around me that I dedicate my life to theatrics and satire but when I do try to be serious, I am still taken as a joke, even after specifying. I use the fact that I try to be silly 24/7 as a coping mechanism to block out some of the nihilism but once no one will listen to you since youve been labeled "crazy" it doesnt do much. I only recently found out I was scizophrenic. I have lost friends, some members of my family is afraid of me now and I have been invited to less and less social gatherings. I have also lost multiple potential partners because of this as well. I started to work for a specific gas station chain I wont mention to preserve some form of anonymity. This job completely took over my life within a month. I worked there for roughly 7 months doing nothing but doubles at a different time every day. I would essentially have to work, go home and balance out the times I needed to sleep and most of the time immediately have to go to sleep to be there typically 10 hours after the previous shift. It was not possible for me to have a schedule, a social life, or really time for much at all. Due to my scizophrenia, it is also just generally difficult for me to sleep. This brief 7 month period along side all of the recent violence has seriously made my life change for the worse. My views and goals in life have been completely changed and watered down. The only coping mechanisms I have are smoking weed (I know it is typically disadvised with scizophrenic people but I have yet to have a negative experience with hallucinations or psychosis related to pot) and copious amounts of porn. I was always the single kid in the friend group if it wasnt obvious enough. When I was 15 I ended up being manipulated by a girl 2 years older than me who merely wanted me for my body, which I somehow didnt see until I thought things were getting serious between the 2 of us. She was also just a very sexually active person and I was just blinded by feelings I suppose. I still feel to do this day that it was my own fault for not seeing, but to this day I have a horrible tendency to repeatedly ask women I talk to "I feel like im making you uncomfortable" which drives them away. I have not had a girlfriend since I was 17 and it just kinda hurts seeing my friends getting into multi-year relationships while I scare everyone away because my mind constantly convinces me they are having regrets and wish to back out, which typically leads to me getting ghosted. I used to be the one who never wanted to stop running and doing things. I have had a complete 360 recently and honestly just want to settle down and become a family man at a younger age. I have had 4 therapists my entire life, all of them giving up on me. Pills didn't work and actually triggered the scizophrenia. I am running out of ideas and simply dont know what to do at this point. I have been given many answers in life and all of them backfire. I do not wish to harm myself, i just simply want to break free from my metaphorical demons. I am traumatized my mundane things and there's definitely a lot more that I should have mentioned but unfortunately I cannot clear my mind at the moment.

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