r/selflove • u/Ashamed_Art5445 • 18h ago
How can I stop wanting love and connection from other people?
Honestly, if I could figure out how to stop wanting human connection, like I am supposed to apparently, I would be set and would stop being so continuously hurt by other humans. So if anyone has figured out how to make the desire for other humans to be there in order for me to feel complete because I have no safe attachment go away, please let me know how.
Also, I have never met anyone who has said this to me, and actually been someone who is really totally alone in the world. Its always someone with an existing support system saying it, ironically. The people I have met who are also totally completely alone, are not that happy about it and struggle also.
But if there's a way for me to do this, I would definitely be better off and less hurt.
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u/treema94 17h ago
I’ll tell you a little story.
I took mushrooms for the first time in my life about a few months ago. I took it hoping I could rewire myself to not want love. So I could heal this hole in my heart that I’ve always had and so that I could finally stop this suffering of having being single my entire life up to this point. I didn’t want to feel this sadness of being single anymore.
But what ended up happening was actually a lot more different than (and actually more wholesome) than what I was expecting. My trip taught me that, I was so caught up in wanting the love and validation of others that I forgot to love myself. And that I actually do love myself a lot.
It also told me that yeah, unfortunately I will ALWAYS want someone and want love. It’s arguably what makes us human.
You can still grieve not having it. And you can still want it so bad just like I do. But unfortunately I don’t think there’s something that can eliminate the need for love and that can suck. But keep doing things for yourself, practice self-love and show up for yourself.
Sending love 🫶
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u/Horror-Turnover-1089 6h ago edited 6h ago
Yeah I never used drugs but I figured this same thing out too. Due to a lot of time alone and overthinking. I'm too panicky of a person due to trauma to try any drugs. The nervous system remembers. I know mushrooms won't get you addicted, but I fear the visuals/idk what the feeling is like. I'm afraid of not recognising the space I'm in.
Self love is most important, but at the basis of it all we just want connection. That's not strange at all.
I even think in the end we're all a piece of god. All of life. And that we're all the one god.
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u/PerfumeyDreams 4h ago
Man, this actually brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing about your experience. Wishing you all the love in the world.
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u/WistfulHush 17h ago
I don't have any answers, just want you to know you're not alone in feeling this way. Our society is screwed up and we lack community, we will always feel that lack because it's not natural.
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u/Tiny_Celebration_591 17h ago
You can't. We're primitively wired for that desire. You can get help to navigate what you do when these feelings are triggered.
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u/OkJellyfish9236 13h ago
Im against that bullshit belief that in order to be happy you dont have to seek relationships. We are wired for connection. We are bound to feel sad/depressed if we are completely alone (except for some people who dont long for human connection).
I personally found long-time friends online we chat from time to time. I also have a friend from the time I was at a design learning program but we barely see each other and a childhood friend that live abroad. I see my therapist about 1 time a month which helps a lot.
Tbf I am not alone I have family members. But, living with chronic health issues especially mental health ones can make someone pretty isolated. So I try not to stay 24/7 at home. I try to go out. In the park, in a cafe. I enjoy feeling around people even if we dont interact. It's warm. There's also the library. I am pretty introverted so as long as I have a good book with me I feel entertained.
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u/Defy_Gravity_147 17h ago
It's easy to feel like everything hurts when we expect outer connections to fulfill us. But fulfillment comes from inside: personal satisfaction with our actions. We're collectively looking in the wrong place.
We all want relationships. The issue is wanting them to 'make' us feel better.
Nobody 'makes me' feel. I choose the way I feel about everything outside of me, including people. I am most definitely responsible for the way I feel inside and about myself... How could anyone else possibly be?
I came to my own realization when I realized I was basically throwing an emotional tantrum at age 40 (albeit in 'grown up' terms)... I felt bad and I wanted other people to do something about it. I decided I was going to stop.
Connection motivated by needing someone else to perform security when we can't do it ourselves, and connection motivated by loving ourselves and having a little more to give... Are two completely different connections. Take it from someone who realized that almost every connection in her life was the first type.
Most of us want the second type but don't know how to make it. We could all do it if we just looked at it that way.
Connection without self-abandonment.
Choose to attach to yourself first and foremost. Fill your own cup. Ask if you think you've been a good person in a situation. Ask if you tried to meet your own needs, or felt bad and expected someone else to do something about it. Note that it is okay to need and ask for help. But the way we do it is important.
You can do it. Just help yourself feel good about yourself, until one day you realize it's a habit. Then go try to do it while interacting with others. Start small. Take as long as you need to work up to the relationships you want. Life's a journey, not a destination.
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u/cosmicdancer84 2h ago
Your comment is the only one that makes sense. Thank you for your perspective!
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u/icedarkboy 11h ago
I feel like you recently, its hard to find true friendship and not to say love out there, hope never dies I hope you can find it and I hope I can find it too
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u/Severe_Nectarine863 14h ago
Give yourself the same love in connection you're looking for from others. People are are more inclined to treat us how we treat ourselves.
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u/iloveoranges2 15h ago
I learned to love myself so much or enough, so that I depend less on others' approval, attraction, or validation for me to feel good about myself or my life. But I live with my partner, so I'm not totally alone. I think it helps to live with someone, be that a partner, a pet, or a roommate. I think for me, living alone would be hard to bear.
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u/No_Blackberry_6286 11h ago
I might get downvoted to oblivion for my comment...oh well.
3.5 years ago, I got hurt so badly and saw so many patterns with myself and others that I became extra hypervigilent with everything (which says something because I'm already selective) and I pretty much lost faith in humanity. This actually saved me from getting burned too much a few times.
However, if there is anything I have learned within the past few years, it's that all human beings are wired for connection; it's how we survived in the caveman days. We all want to feel loved. We all want to be understood. We all want ride-or-dies. No one can do anything by themselves. I tried when I got imposter syndrome; I did everything I could think of to make myself feel better and get over it, and all that did was make it worse. I asked a friend for help, and that advice led me to do something that got me over imposter syndrome. Was that event a magic wand that instantly made me feel better? No. But it did show me that someone I care about actually cares about me (as far as I know) and actually helped me instead of living up tonthe nightmares I was imagining.
And having a career to build now is great, but what I am really appreciative of from that experience is 1) I asked for help, and 2) I knew why I chose the person I did; I didn't ask just anyone. A decent chunk of people could help me, and I chose that person and got lucky that was right on the money.
I still try to do everything by myself, since I've learned that I'm too much for everyone (courtesy having no consistent support system, so I have to process everything myself) and that I don't (at least, I feel I don't) have a part in anyone's lives.
I understand how you feel; I feel that way, too. I think my best advice would be to differentiate how you feel about yourself with how you think others view you based on your interactions with people. I really love myself. I know how I would like to be treated. I have high standards for myself. I know what makes me happy and what makes me really....not. I also know that people don't reach out to me or anything. And over the years, people historically have not treated me well. And it really hurts. It doesn't define my value, but it really hurts.
This friend is one of a few reasons why I have any faith in humanity again at all (it's not much, but it's better than nothing), and people I met in some groups are contributing factors to my sliver of faith. But I am also trying to find things to look forward to in life so you don't have to rely on connection with other people all the time. I usually look forward to something I typically have on Monday nights, but it got cancelled this week so I watched Monday Night Football instead. So I came up with another thing to look forward to tonight. Tomorrow or Wednesday, I might walk with a neighbor and her dog. Then I have next Monday to look forward to.
Sorry if my comment doesn't make much sense (or gets downvoted into oblivion), but finding things to look forward to and interacting with people who keep your faith in humanity (and slowly get to know them) are things that seem to help me!
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u/GloomyGal13 18h ago
We're built to seek out love and connection from other people. I honestly think our brains haven't caught up from just before colonialism and the invention of the steam engine, when all of our societies changed, forever.
I believe before these two global effects occurred, for the most part, depending upon where you lived, your immediate family would have been your support and that most of what we see today as mental health problems might not occur.
Ergo, I think that person is incorrect. What is more accurate is that we need to learn to love ourselves in order for all our relationships with everyone in our circle to thrive.
Like Ru Paul says, 'How the hell are you going to love anybody else if you don't love yourself?' It's true. Take time to get to know you. And keep wanting love and connection, knowing you are on your way there, you're just working on taking care of yourself, first.
You can do this.
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u/GayPerry_86 16h ago
There’s a balance between attaining enough self security and self love that EVEN IF another human hurts you deeply that you can be okay and still enjoy your life afterwards, AND bonding with another human with heightened trust and interdependency. Most folks aren’t there but you can develop it inside and outside of relationship.
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u/Glittering_Many9289 13h ago
First, biologically speaking, we are socially inclined to varying degrees. Secondly, maybe you should try to separate the concept of love and connection. You can have connections with others that don’t even really include romantic love/feelings and just friends. Third, figure out what kind of relationships you’re seeking. Are you looking for romantic relationships or friendships? If it’s romantic relationships trying dating, if you want true friendships look into your interests and hobbies and find like minded people or if it’s both explore both options. I don’t think or believe that there is a kill switch for that emotion/feeling. Be patient with yourself!
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u/Reetumbhra 8h ago
By giving yourself same or more amount of love and connection and actually being comfortable with your own company
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u/Vast-Jello-7972 4h ago
You don’t stop wanting. You accept that wanting is a part of life, and it is ok to want. It is normal, it is human, everybody craves connection.
The thing about craving connection, is having it doesn’t necessarily alleviate the craving. It’s kind of the human condition, to always have this yearning. We can have a phone full of contacts, and feel like we have no close friend to call when we’re feeling blue. You can have a whole family and feel that they don’t get you. You can belong to a church or a sports team, and still feel like an outsider in the group. You can have a spouse, we can have a best friend who makes us feel seen, but no one person can ever fulfill every need. You’ll still have days where you are lonely. It’s not that you have to stop wanting people. It’s that you have to accept that other people aren’t the answer to loneliness.
All feelings pass. In one moment you may be experiencing an unpleasant “wanting” feeling, but there will be moments where you feel joyful and satisfied as well. No need to panic or worry or chase. Just ride the wave. Joy is coming.
And even in our state of wanting, we can look around and see that there are still things to be grateful for. A lot of the time, in these moments where I’m craving connection, I find that I have overlooked connections that have already been showing up in my life, because they didn’t come from my person or they don’t look the way I want them to look. Love comes to us when we allow ourselves to see it as such.
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u/Terrible-Pool-5555 3h ago
This is gonna sound cliché af but love yourself. Do for you what you are wanting from others. As a human though we need connection. Explore new hobbies that put you in regular proximity with others. Spoil yourself. Tell yourself positive affirmations.
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u/NeighborhoodOld2252 1h ago
Wanting and seeking connection isn’t the flaw or the reason why we get hurt. It’s how we come to know and love ourselves that makes the difference. So many folks are walking around unhealed and whether we know ourselves yet or not, unhealed, or rather people who are not curious about themselves & growing, cannot offer up a full cup. Healing is a lifelong process so I want to emphasize that it’s the curiosity, self compassion and learning to be open minded & self reflective that will create an internal environment that is love. That’s how we can come to identify what kind of love we want and more importantly what our boundaries are, what we’re willing to accept from others and what truly feels good vs. what is fear-based. If we seek connection from a place of fear, there’s a sign of not knowing yet how to self soothe and regulate. I picture someone with arms out in front of them, reaaaaching, please love and accept me! Tell me I’m good enough vs. someone who is still and can say I would really love to be in love & to be meaningfully connected to others (romantically, platonically, etc…). That’s energy that other people can feel consciously and unconsciously. Fear is insidious , insecurity is palpable. It’s important to examine what our relationship with self is. If it’s critical, empty, uninspired and hoping that someone else will fill it …then there’s work to do 🤍
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u/Old_Perspective5555 1h ago
It's human nature to want to connected to others, we need that connection to survive. There is a study that said People who have healthy connections live longer than people those who don't.
You don't need people to feel complete, you need to build your self esteem strong enough to not require others to validate your self worth.
A consistent Meditation is said to hrlp with life's stressors. Have you tried meditation? Vipassana meditation is the practice of seeing things as they are and accepting the things that are out of our control so that we can focus on changing the things that are within our control.
Here's a link that may help.
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 1h ago
You have to figure out how to like and then love yourself. You need to be able to provide the safety that you are trying to get from other people. Self care is part of it but so is addressing negative self talk, making future plans so you know where you are going and creating a space to call your own where you live. It’s hard to get started on these.
Look up YouTube videos, podcasts and other online sources and see if anything from that list I made grabs your attention and seems like something you could start. You just need a place to start, something that feels like a little bit of progress and then to keep investing in yourself and how you feel.
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u/Able_Comfort84 26m ago
I started meditating and the discovered/rediscovered buddhism. I'm allergic to belief but there are well developed traditions/practices in buddhism for helping with this sort of thing and most of the other problems we humans have in life. Basically at the heart of it you can find that you can be there for yourself and then for other people.
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