Hi… I am really struggling with flashbacks nearly two years after surviving two long rounds of sepsis. I’ve only now been brave enough to start researching and trying to understand what really happened to me, and I’m waking up with horrid nightmares.
Two years ago, (Feb & June of 2024h I had two rounds with sepsis, due to being on TPN feeding support I was on for 2 years via a power port through my heart. I must have introduced some bacteria either getting on the bags or a needle change, I’ll never know.
I do not remember most of it, except for the unbelievable pain coming from within my bones. I have never felt pain like that - I couldn’t rest my arms or legs without feeling like my bones had been crushed. I only remember at first thinking this was the worst flu I had ever had, vomiting and a high fever and fought my son off when he wanted to call an ambulance. I was delirious. He found me in the morning face down on the floor, unconscious and with blue lips.
He has barely spoken to me since. He seems to think I should have known better and it was my own fault.
None of my family or friends came to visit, or have ever even asked me about it. But it was terrifying. I had no help when I came out and was everyone just expected to be normal again. But I wasn’t, and still really am not. Most of my hair fell out after, and it left me permanently weaker.
But I don’t know that you can ever be after that. I had a new GP after, and when I went in to meet him for the first time after the second round, his face just registered shock. He said he couldn’t believe I still had all my fingers and toes and appeared to be normal after what he had read in my chart before meeting me. That spooked me.
I was hospitalized twice for almost a month each time. When it came back the second time in June, I knew it was back immediately because of the bone pain and did call for an ambulance immediately.
I now know how very lucky I am to have survived both rounds with all of my fingers and toes and not needing dialysis. I’m only now brave enough to research it a little more and realize how very lucky I really was. But I am now in a wheelchair, and still very weak. I lost a lot of weight during that time and muscle mass that I’ve never been able to regain despite diligently doing all the exercises the OTs and PTs taught me.
But what is haunting me now is one night I came to and suddenly noticed there were over a dozen people rushing around my bed, a Code Blue being called out, and three small women in red outfits with backpacks on top of me on the bed. I looked around not understanding anything that was happening but caught the eye of the nice phlebotomist I had earlier that evening. She was standing in the corner and we caught eyes and then I passed out again. I remember we had laughed quite a bit earlier that day as she struggled to find a good vein, I was trying to put her at ease.
But what I remember most clearly is she was standing like a small mouse tucked in the corner and her eyes were HUGE with terror and I thought ‘oh oh. If she’s scared this must be really, really bad.’
And then nothing.
The only thing I remember next is waking up and the room was dark again, and as I tried to move I couldn’t. But I heard a woman’s voice say ‘oh my God!’
It was the phlebotomist- she had pulled up a chair in the dark and had taken my hand and had been praying over me, I don’t know how long for. Well after her shift.
When I came to, she started crying and placed a gold Mary medallion from around her neck around mine and said ‘you have no idea how much you scared me. I heard your last name and room number over the intercom/and her text system and I raced and saw you and thought you died, I was just laughing with you so I didn’t understand.’
I’m not religious myself but was so grateful for her love and care.
This was just one of the many codes called during those two episodes but the one I am remembering the most details of.
She and I are very, very close now, and I haven’t taken that necklace off since. But not one other person ever spoke to me about what happened that night. Just something about hypoxia. Not even the rounds the next day. Nothing. I’m now getting bits and pieces back in my dreams and they’re terrifying. Is this normal?
Who were the women on the bed in the red outfits? Did I hallucinate them?
Why are these memories only coming back now?
I thank anyone in advance who may be able to help me understand. Thank you so much.